Say Goodbye…to Elizatodd

Elizatodd is their celeb couple name…like Brangelina.

Anyhoo.

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Someone pointed out here that Todd looks like a young Paul Gleason. I’m feelin’ that. So the plot, if you could call it that, involves Todd’s family moving to Vermont and Liz being all fucking dramatic about it. She mopes around and spends all her time writing to Todd and Jessica is sick of her pity party, so tells Todd that he needs to break up with her. And she convinces Nicholas Morrow to make a play for Liz again. Liz, thinking that Todd forgot about her, uses Nicholas as a rebound because she’s self-absorbed like that. Todd decides to fly back for the weekend to surprise Liz but he sees her with NicMo and gets mad. Jeebus, Todd is only in this book for like 10 pages but he and Liz still manage to have a fight.

The think that baffled me most was that Liz WROTE A LETTER TO TODD EVERY DAY. I mean, there are people I write to everyday whether it be chatting online or emailing, but what the hell can you write about everyday? Luckily, my book came with deleted chapters and luckily one of Elizabeth’s daily letters was included!

Dearest Todd,

I hope you got my previous letters. Just in case, I thought I’d let you know how my day went. It’s like you are here with me! It’s as if you were with me throughout the night, and we were not having sex.

So I woke up this morning and took a shower. I didn’t use the toilet because I have no genitals. Omg! And I wanted to wear my polka dot shirt and I almost couldn’t find my polka dotted barettes. When I got downstairs, Mom was just finished making us breakfast, which were pancakes, waffles, bacon, danishes, scrambled eggs, omlets, hash browns, toast with butter. It was so good! I had three helpings. Then she went off to her very important interior design job.

On my way to school I passed a homeless person. After I called the police to chase him out of Sweet Valley, I talked to him about the importance of job skills and pension plans. When I got to school suddenly it was lunch period. I guess classes were canceled again today. I had a sloppy joe, a milkshake, french fries, dorritos and cheesecake. Lois Waller had a salad, but I think she had croutons on it. Omg! I was so ashamed for her. I decided that I would put together a powerpoint presentation for her about the danger of carbs.

I started to talk to her but I realized that Winston had set up his A/V equipment and was starting his stand-up routine, right in the lunchroom! He is so funny. He spent about the first 40 minutes making puns and then the rest of the time doing impressions of the teachers and various shadow puppets.

Gee, classes were canceled again this afternoon so I decided to go to The Oracle office to work on some stuff. Mr. Collins was there and he is so sweet! He knows that I’ve been upset so he surprised me by hiding in the stall in the girls room and when I came in, he jumped out and surprised me!

When I got home, even thought it was Jessica’s turn to make dinner, she called me all upset so of course I just did it for her. She was too busy hatching a scheme with Lila to ruin some poor girl’s life. Oh, that Jessica, she’s so funny. Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.

Then when I was making dinner, I started peeling the potatoes and saw that they were kind of round, which reminded me of basketballs, which reminded me that you play basketball, then it reminded me of you!!!! And then all my snot and tears seeped into the stew. I decided to serve it anyway and when my family ate it, they were so moved they started crying. My Dad, who, as you know, is a big important lawyer is dealing with a huge case. It involves a huge double murder triple rape homicide, including cults and murderous long lost twins. You know, the usual for Sweet Valley. He was really having trouble with the argument, but I helped him out and wrote his deposition. He kissed me on the forehead and said “what would I do without you honey?” As he leaned over to kiss me, I noticed his strong, muscular chest.

After that I went into my room and wrote some poetry and some letters to Chrome Dome about some ideas about educational leadership theory. Then I just laid in bed and thought of you! I can’t wait to hear about YOUR day. I feel so bad for you that you don’t live in Southern California. Anyone who don’t live here is so unlucky. I love you so much and think of your husky voice and crinkly brown eyes, and the way you don’t have sex with me.

xoxoxoxoxo

Liz

Kristy cures autism!

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I am continuuing to remember my favorite BSC books, this being one of them. The basic plot? Kristy gets a regular sitting job (they get like thousands of regular sitting jobs that last exactly one book) for Susan, who is autistic. Kristy tries to make Susan “normal” so her mother won’t send her away to a specialized school. Finally, Susan does go away. Probably for the better. Who is Kristy to deny her a good education and the attention she needs? Kristy is such a fucking egomaniac.

That leads me to something else: who in their right mind would leave their severely autistic child in the hands of a thirteen year old? From what I remember, Susan doesn’t even communicate.

This book sparked my keen interest in autism as a subject. I think because this book didn’t exactly explain autism very well. Firstly, it led me to believe that all individuals with autism have some like special super power (i.e. Susan playing any piece on the piano by heart). Also, it described Susan as being “inside herself in her own world” which I guess could be an accurate description, but I took it too literally. As in, while she is walking around Stoneybrook, her mind was in another dimension and she was talking with magical elves and dragons. I mean, she may very well be, but I couldn’t really comprehend it. After that, my mother rented Rain Man for me, which I think was my first R-rated movie. Then I did a whole research paper on autism for school and got acolades and shit. Thanks, Baby-Sitters Club!

One other thing that I kind of remember about this one was that Kristy was surprised that Susan was so pretty. As if being differently-abled automatically disqualifies you from being good-looking. And she took Susan to hang out with the other kids and tried to get her to act “normal” but she just did “weird” things.

In my work now I work with some individuals with varying levels of autism and when I work with them I still sometimes think about Susan! Goddam you BSC!

Kristy has a very “you are so fucking pathetic so I need to butt in and help you change your life” look that reminds us of a certain blond twin.

Modeling = success

I can’t find pictures of the cover anywhere, but does Palm Beach Prep series ring a bell? I have the first three books. It’s about gals at a swanky girls prep school.

Quinn is the spunky, rock and roll scholarship kid from the wrong side of town.

Alicia is the spunky Latina, so of course she is fiery and breaks out into Spanish.

Nicole is the boring rich girl who gets turned on by riding a horse. Literally.

Esme is the blond beautiful ditsy model.

They’re all so different, but what they have in common is each other! Gag. Actually, it wasn’t so bad. In the first book, Quinn moves to town and makes enemies with Cara Knowles, who accuses her of stealing a watch. The other gals prove her innocense and become besties.

Book #2, Sealed With A Kiss, is one of my all-time favorites. Esme gets a modeling job where she models with a sixteen year old guy. They start secretly dating (um, she’s twelve, remember) and she pretends she’s sixteen. She hides it from her friends until they go to makeout point and he tries to touch her boobs. She gets upset and the gals help her break up with him. I’m gonna share something now….ready?…this book inspired my own foray into writing teen fiction. Well, this and the Hot Looks Dolls.

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Each one was from a different country! Of course the Black doll was from Africa, obvs. My favorite was Chelsea, the British girl with the crimped hair. Anyhoo….

My “novel” was about a group of models who are payed by an agency to take a cruise and do a catalog shoot. There are the bitchy ones, the cool ones, and the nerdy ones (yes, nerdy models). One has a romance and the others just kind of tried on different clothes. Half the writing were detailed descriptions of outfits (I learned from the best- AMM). There. I admit it. God, it was horrible. Some of it was illustrated by me and I also went through catalogs and YM magazine and cut out pictures of the models to represent them. Oh the shame! Sorry, I trashed it long ago because I had a fear that I would be killed in a freak accident and someone would go through my belongings and find it.

Back to Palm Beach Prep for a sec. The third book was about Alicia running for president against Cara Knowles, but I did not reread it. These were well-written, and aside from the modeling business, the girls had real friendship and had fun hanging out together.

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These books did feed my obsession with all things wealthy. Between these books and Pen Pal’s Palmer being from Palm Beach, I flipped out when my grandparents moved from New York to Palm Beach. Actually, it was Palm Beach County, but then I didn’t know the difference. When we went down to visit, I had a surprise. What I thought I would be seeing is their new palm-tree lined mansion, but what I got was a small condo in an over-55 community. Very quaint, but not what I thought.

Anyone read these? Please say yes so I won’t feel crazy.

Speaking of models, I was uber-model obsessed when I was younger. Modeling apparently was the most awesome and highest-reaching level of success in life. Luckily, pop culture cashed in on that. I watched House of Style on MTV religiously and learned how to make my hair into dreadlocks using a teasing comb, aquanet, and a hairdryer. And what was with the modeling shows? A concept I thought was awesome was the idea of several models living under one roof trying to make it….and tah-dah! Living Dolls, starring David Moscow, Leah Remini and Halle Berry.

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The same exact concept was used but as a drama instead of sitcom for the awesome Models, Inc. Lots of pool-pushing, identical twin madness and backstabbing. Although the women didn’t really look like actual models. Oh well.

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One more confession: I totally watched all of the show 8th and Ocean when it was on MTV. Same concept- models all living together. And oh the hardships!  Although it was pretty harsh when one agent kept telling this one model that she shouldn’t come in until her skin cleared up. Ouch.

The New Elizabeth

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I know you all wanted me to make this into a dramatic reading, but I really, that won’t help me express how goddam ridiculous and loop-holed this is.

Firstly, I don’t think the ghostwriters even keep up with the series. Pretty much there was a “New Jessica” book, and this one is about Elizabeth learning to surf, and later on, when Jessica wants to learn to surf, it isn’t even mentioned.

Ok, so Liz is finally tired of everyone saying she is predictable and boring. Doesn’t this happen like every third book? And isn’t she all smug about it all the time? So, instead of maybe, say, getting a little tipsy at a party like many a teenager would do to prove their wildness, she decides to learn to surf. Uh, okay.

Well, CONVENIENTLY at the Big Mesa Surf Club, a few friends are betting some guy Sean that he can turn the first person that walks in the club to be a champion surfer. CONVENIENTLY Liz is the one that walks in. CONVENIENTLY Liz is so amazing he can’t help but fall in love with her. CONVENIENTLY Liz neglects to mention she has a boyfriend because she is an egomaniac who loves the attention. CONVENIENTLY Liz has amazing skills that allow her to surf like a pro within a month. Like how she can suddenly do flips and cartwheels.

Liz tells everyone that she is spending her time doing some dorky extra credit science project on the beach, and they all believe her, but Todd suspects she is cheating and gets all mad. I’m fucking falling asleep thinking about it. Liz is of course about the win the big surfing competition, but she throws the win to some girl Laurie, who is secretly in love with Sean and only when she wins a surf competition will Sean he pay attention to her. Wow, Liz being a champion surfer but also can’t resist helping the poor and pathetic. CONVENIENTLY she never speaks to Shaun again, because he is never mentioned again. I guess because she didn’t need him anymore because she was done with surfing. She can go back to playing scrabble on Saturdays with Todd (which she does in this book. Hawt.) Liz is so high and mighty but acts so self-centered. She even knows what sciopathic plan Jessica is hatching and just waves it off.

Which is making Caroline Pierce’s life a living hell. Caroline is working at an expensive boutique, and Lila and Jessica go to be difficult and make her wait on them. Finally Caroline gets back at her by managing to trick Jessica into be left in her underwear in the dressing room. Noyce!

Sigh.

So what did we learn? That Elizabeth is pretty much as conniving, manipulating, lying, cheating as Jessica, but at least Jessica is up front about it and doesn’t hide behind some facade as a bookish, well-behaved saint. In a weird way, I can respect Jessica for being honest.

Caitlin, True Love: A Dramatic reading

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Tonight’s dramatic reading of Caitlin: True Love will be performed by:

Megon Fox ………. Caitlin Ryan
Generic Abracrombie Model …………. Jed Michaels
William Zabka …………… Laurence
Anne Ramsey ………….. Regina Ryan
Freddy Highmore …………….. Ian
My Little Pony ……………… Duster
George Hamilton……………… Dr. Westlake

PhotobucketOh Caitlin, thanks for picking me, despite you still being in love with Jed. I know my blond good looks and pleated chinos totally turn you on.

PhotobucketYes, Laurence, you are a nice second choice. Ever since Jed dumped me for admitting that I was the one that poisoned the dean’s son and made him paralyzed, I need a distraction.

PhotobucketGreat. Let’s go dust our mallard duck decoys and be mean to our housekeepers.

—-

PhotobucketJed! Funny running into you here! Can’t we talk?

PhotobucketNo, bitch! ps, I’m distant and aloof.

PhotobucketWhy won’t you talk to meeeeeeeeeeee?

PhotobucketYou’re not who I thought you are. You poison little kids and lie about it.

PhotobucketOh the agony! My only relief is riding my horse Duster.

PhotobucketNeigh.

———–

PhotobucketCaitlin, can I talk to you?

PhotobucketNo, go away! I know that we found out that you are really my father, but I have to deny myself any chance of happiness so I can heighten the drama in my life!

PhotobucketOk. I’ll be back at my super successful medical practice thinking of your mother, who I didn’t even know was pregnant.

PhotobucketHi Caitlin! I am glad you are spending so much time with me! It really is nice that it doesn’t seem like you have an unterior motive or anything.

PhotobucketYes Ian! With the power of my goodness and reformed bitchiness, by god you will walk again!….But I must confess about what I did….I left the shed door open and you as a stupid child went in and ate chemicals, and somehow that made your legs paralyzed. That doesn’t seem to make medical sense, but it happened!

PhotobucketI hate you! Never talk to me again!

———–

PhotobucketYay! I am so excited to be going on this field trip! I am glad that Gradmother allowed the school to use her abandoned mining site for our picnic! Nothing can go wrong!

PhotobucketYea, maybe I can get to first base with you, finally.

PhotobucketSure, why don’t we take a walk and exlore some abandoned tunnels? That seems totally safe and harmless.

PhotobucketOK!………Hey what’s down here?

PhotobucketLaurence, noooo!

PhotobucketHalp! I’m trapped!

PhotobucketLet me help you!

PhotobucketAh, now I’m stuck!

PhotobucketDon’t worry! I’ll save you both!

PhotobucketJed! I thought you hated me!

PhotobucketYes, but now that your life hangs in danger, I can’t live without you!

PhotobucketI love you too Jed!

PhotobucketUm, can someone please save me?

—-

PhotobucketOh Caitlin! For all these years I’ve withheld my love from you! But now I must tell you that I am a bitter old bitch and let’s make this about you!

PhotobucketMy life is perfect! I’m beautiful, raven-haired, and I’ve managed everyone in my life to focus solely on me! What could POSSIBLY go wrong in my future………….

Francine lives!

Several of you sent me this link, so thanks- Francine Pascal appears on This American Life to talk about prom! Ira Glass and Francine- who would have thought? I haven’t listened to it yet. I am scared to hear Francine’ voice. Do we think Francine is wealthy? Her books did sell quite well. Maybe she is living out her dream in a Spanish-tiled mansion with a fountain in the courtyard, like Lila’s.

I totally just realized that The DB just passed its one year birthday! How could I have missed it? Well, I guess I was too busy because Lila threw me a party at her house- her maid served us finger sandwhiches, and the Droids played and wrote a song especially about me. Although I didn’t hear it because I was too busy getting jealous that my boyfriend was writing letters to someone so I pushed him in the pool. Then I went off with Bruce and he touched my boobs. Then some crazy psycho tried to kill me and my boyfriend saved me and we made up by not having sex. It was a crazy night!

I’m also reading The Luxe by Anna Godbersen. Oh my god, I am not sure if they are good or not, but it’s very SVH.

And just throwing it out there, not saying it will definitely happen, just trying to see some interest, but if it were to happen, is anyone interested in a meetup in the Bay area? Leave a comment or email me. Just throwing it out there.

apricot ribbon

Aside from the supernatural element, something that struck me about The Awakening was because it was one of the reasons I never knew what to talk to boys about (and arguably still don’t). Lemme back up.

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So the basic plot: Elena is a beautiful popular blond. She meets and falls in luv with the vampire Stefan, who first notices her because he looks like his long lost love, Katherine. He was in a love triangle with Katherine with his brother Damien, who has shown up in town to make Stefan’s life hell and also to steal Elena to get back at Stefan. Blah blah blah blah vampires schmampires. Katherine tried to convince them that the three of them could be in a realtionship together until the end of time, but the brothers weren’t into the whole poyamorous thang.

It’s really hard for me to root for a heroine who is beautiful and popular. Of COURSE she is going to get the guy. maybe I am bitter, but I always prefered protagonists who were a bit on the awkward or underdog side. Actually, when Stefan first shows up in town, she asks him out but he declines and she is DEVASTATED. Like, can’t even show her face in school. Calm down, bitch, it’s called humility. But then of course she finds out later that Stefan really DID love her from the start, even before talking to her. Therefore, reinforcing that looks matter the most. He stole an apricot ribbon she wore in her hair and fondles it every night.

Elena has two best friends, Bonnie and Meredith, who seem to exist purely to be involved in Elena’s life. They come to Elena’s rescue after the aformentioned humiliation and conversations revolve around Elena’s life. None of them seem to have drama or interests. I wonder if they get sick of always talking about Elena or appearing only when Elena needs friendship. I’m often the role of the sidekick friends, so this stuck out for me.

They all live in Fells Church, Virginia. Is that supposed to be Falls Church? Nice disguising of the town, LJ.

Stefan is basically Eurotrash. He wears a leather jacket, big singlasses, and wears designer Italian shoes and drives a Ferrari. How very mid-nineties attractive. So he and Elena are so PASSIONATE about each other. THey rarely talk about anything, just spend time together and be PASSIONATE. This irked me then and irked me now. He’s a vampire! She could ask him about that, she could talk about current times, but no, they just gaze into each other’s eyes. Since books were my guide to socialness, I needed HINTS on how to talk to boys.

There’s an incident in a graveyard where some boys were traumatized by Damien but Stefan saves them, but Stefan in implicated, then at their haunted house at school, a teacher is killed by Damien and again it is pinne on Elena.

Basically, nothing much happens in he book except the PASSION.

I remember the following three books getting better…I think?