Monthly Archives: April 2008

Sweet Valley Couture

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I don’t want to knock it too much, but wtf is up with the Newport News catalog? Yes, yes, so maybe I do own a tunic or two from them, but it seems very stuck in the eighties, and not in a retro kind of way. Like they still promote embroidered jeans as their essential piece. Also, it seems like they looted Lisette’s and Foxy Mama after the Sweet Valley earthquake destroyed the mall and decided to start a mailorder business. I think every line of clothes should be named after an SVH character.

The LIZ collection

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The JESSICA collection

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Featuring the Jessa Fields line:

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The LILA collection

Daddy Fowler totally brought back this suit from Paris (only Lila would wear a belt on the beach):
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On clearance:

The OLIVIA look:

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LYNNE HENRY look:

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Invisible Lissa

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Taking a little snark break to remember an oldie but goodie. Man, I must have read this book hundreds of times. It reminded me a lot of Nothing’s Fair in Fifth Grade. The main character, Lissa, was only in fifth grade but had a pretty strong voice and seemed so grown up to me. I can totally remember the plot like I just read it yesterday.

There’s this bitchy popular girl named Debra who always needs to be the center of attention (a Jessica Wakefield in-training, if you will). She creates a cheerleading team for their school’s soccer team. Lissa is not asked to join, and takes her little brother to the soccer game. He ends up humiliating the cheerleaders, and Debrea decides she has it out for Lissa.

So Debra creates a super-exclusive club called FUNCHY and invites everyone but Lissa. Lissa finally infiltrates and finds out the secret- that the club really means fun lunches, where people share lunch- and calls bullshit on Debra and makes others see what a little snot she is. I remember the ending being where al Debra’s club starts leaving and she has a little hissy fit.

The plot was more about remaining true to yourself and your friends, not doing things just because others are doing it, and the importance of family. Fuzzy hugs and rainbows!

Caitlin: a teaser

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I just finished the first book in the Caitlin series and omgf, what a doozie. I haven’t had time yet to do a review but I HAD to post the back cover description. Make sure you have an empty stomach.

Caitlin. Beautiful. Dazzling. Charming. Outrageous. Rich. Unfrorgettable. And very, very clever.

To everyone at her exclusive boarding school, she seems to have it all. But there is a secret need that haunts her life.

A need for love.

And only one boy can make her forget her cold home life can fullfill her need for love: handsome, sensitive Jed Michaels. Jed, who has already given his heart to another girl.

Still, headstrong Caitlin is determined to win him for herself, one way or another. But then a tragedy occurs, a terrible event that has such far-reaching consequences that not even the incomparable Caitlin can deal with them….

Loving is the first in a series about the stubborn, raven-haired beauty, Caitlin. There’s never been a heroine like her.

Ihatewheat. Sick to her stomach. Repulsed. Rolling her eyes. And very, very ready to tear this book a new one.

Bill Chase: just a fool in love or #8 Heartbreaker

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I’ve decided to go old school and go back to the early numbers I haven’t recapped yet. Before I rip into the content, this might be one of the best (worst) covers ever. Firstly, it looks like they took Jessica’s head from the Double Love cover and glued it on another body. And that two-tone bikini! Straight out of the Newport News catalog! Bill looks big, dopey and scary. I know Jessica is supposed to be slender, but he looks out of proportion. He’s trying to impress Jess with his armpit aroma. Also, is there a Sweet Valley Surf club? Methinks not. Finally, the awesome part. It looks like cover model was William Zabka, famous for playing the high school asshole in classic teen movies. You know, the blond ringleader of Cobra Kai. Hit it, Joe Esposito!

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And now for the er,um…plot. Hit it, Mariah! At the end of the last book, Bill was in love with Elizabeth, but while Elizabeth was in her coma-induced slut mission, Jessica tricked Bill into going out with her and made him fall in love with her. Don’t question, just go with it. So now Bill and Jessica have the lead in a school play and he is hopelessly in love with her and she eats it up. But has no real interest in him and strings him along. Why is she doing this? “I’m only getting him back for ignoring me in the beginning.” Let’s all say it in unison: Jessica is a SOCIOPATH! Ugh. And Bill likes her because Jessica looks like his old girlfriend Julianne who died tragically a few years back. Boo-fucking-hoo.

However, DeeDee Gordon is also in love with Bill, but he sees her as just a friend, and someone who he is teaching to surf. You know that DeeDee is a fucking loser because she has brown hair and freckles. Finally Bill realizes that Jess is a douchebag maniac and realizes that the very thing he is looking for is something he can’t see. And she is just fine being second choice. Hit it, Vanessa!

Oh, DeeDee’s dad is a famous movie producer and he is bringing his producer friend to the play to scout some talent. Pshaaahhhh! Jessica of course thinks they mean her but really they want to nake Bill is a star, but he’s not sure he wants the moviestar life. “Come on” the producer says. “I can get your great roles in The Karate Kid one AND two, plus a featured role on Just One of the Guys.”

As much as Francine depicts the girls horribly in these books, she’s not really too keen on the men. The boys in these books are seriously interchangeable, and have no distinguishable personalities and are really just playthings of the girls. When they do have distinctive personalities, it’s to be a misogynist asshole (Bruce) or a nerdy loser (Winston). The only way to tell the guys apart is which sport they play.

The other dreadful plotline is that Liz is jealous of an old girlfriend of Todd’s that transfers to SVH and they fight about it and Liz gets all insecure until Todd has to profess how perfect she is and how in love he is with her before she feels better. VOMIT. Did they really get this annoying so early? The gal is Patsy Webber, who could be a supermodel, apparently. “Patsy looked too sophisticated to be in high school. She was wearing a straw-slim skirt belted with a wide leather sash around her tiny waist and delicate high heels. Her coppery-red hair was cut fashionable short in back, with a tumble of curls that dipped over her forehead. A pair of slanted green eyes regarded Elizabeth with friendly interest.” First of all, that haircut sounds dreadful. Second of all, she’s dressed like a hooker at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.

This one was so quote-tastic, so here we go:

When Jessica sees Bill and DeeDee at the beach together, she determinedly set off down the beach. Aware of the stares she was getting in her bronze, wet-look bikini, she added a slight swing to her hips, for the benefit of the male audience. Ugh. What’s wet-look? That must be an eighties thing.

Oh also, Jessica orders a cheeseburger, double fries, and chocolate milkshake at the DB, but is scared that it may make her breakout. Remember when people thought acne was caused by junk food? Oh, the eighties.

“You’re in love with Liz, and she’s Jessica’s twin,” Bill defended weakly. “Jessica’s not Liz,” Todd said. “They may look alike, but that’s where the similarity ends.” Has Todd been reading the other books?

Lois Waller has nothing to do with this plot, but they had to have her make an appearance so that they can ridicule her. The nerd brigade (Olivia, Enid, and Lois) roll up into the parking lot and Lois is “always trying so hard to impress people and be the center of things.” And Jessica ISN’T? “Please, spare me the cracks about being blind,” Lois chimed in, blinking behind the thick glasses she wore. They were always slipping down her nose, no matter how often she poked them back into place. “I can’t even find my way out of the shower without my glasses!” Heh! O misfortune for not being blond, size six and blessed with aqua-marine eyes with perfect 20/20 vision! Is there even a book in the series where Lois gets some plotline? Or is she just there as a cautionary tale of what happens when you are not a Wakefield?

There’s an actual mention of sophomore year! The neverending junior year time continuum explodes!

The plot of the play they are in is: “Deanie tries to commit suicide by drowning herself and afterward, her boyfriend, Bud, feels so guilty he can hardly live with himself.” A little heavy for high school? Wtf, school board?

I think this ghostwriter is still bitter that she did not score a job writing harlequin romances and is taking one last shot at impressing them:

“Bill…” DeeDee murmed weakly. She was stopped from saying anymore by the warm, gentle pressure of Bill’s lips against hers. DeeDee forgot that she was half drowned and shivering from the cold. She forgot that her head was throbbing as if she’s charged straight into a brick wall. The only thing she was aware of was the wet, salty warmth of Bill’s kiss. Heat flooded through her. Her frozen toes and fingers tingles as they thawed. She sighed-a long, shuddery sigh- as Bill gathered her to him in a sandy embrace. With her cheek pressed to his strong chest, she could hear the steady hammering of his heart. A strange, floaty feeling crept over her. None of what was happening seemed real somehow. Was she dreaming it? His lips were moving over her hair, gently brushing agaist her cheek. His mouth closed over hers once again. At that moment they were caught in a sudden surge of white water. It swirled around them, sending up fans of foamy spray. DeeDee forgot how threatening the sea had seemed such a short while agao. Now the water felt teasing and delicious as it fizzed over her body, mingling with the salty taste of Bill’s kiss.

I’ve been reading A Conderacy of Dunces, and for one, wondering why I never read it before now, and two, have taken to having Ignatius J. Reillyesque outburts as I read SVH books. My thought about reading the above passage was “can I believe this revolting offense to literature? What an abortion to the eyes!”

Sixth Grade Sleepover

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I didn’t reread this one, but it totally popped into my mind. I got it from those book order catalogs that you would get in school. The other kids would get the sticker posters and the Dynamite magazines, but I would get a shitload of books. Because my parents were good like that. This was one. The sixth grade were having a sleepover (dur) and the main character is anxious about it because she is deathly afraid of the dark and doesn’t want anyone to know about it. Not going is apparently not an option, besides, why miss out on all the fun? She and her best friend go shopping for new pajamas, which they described in detail, which is a requirement for mentioning any clothes in a YA book. And then she goes to the sleepover and does ok, but spends half the night in the bathroom. I know there were other people to help her through it and she triumphs in the end.

I thought the idea of a school sleepover was fantastic, and I got my wish in eight grade when my jr high had an Awake-a-thon, where we all stayed awake for a whole night in the gym for charity. I don’t know whose bright idea that was, it is not really healthy for kids to stay up all night. I remember mostly dancing to Paula Abdul on someone’s boom box to pass the time. I came home and fell asleep in my breakfast, head first, just like on tv.

Welcome to Enid’s pity party.

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I actually like the way Enid is depicted here. I like her full (healthy) face and think she looks pretty. Don’t love the hairstyle and the pink/green outfit combo, but you win some and lose some.

I decided to read this one because Enid is so often depicted as Elizabeth’s “yes” girl that I have been lying awake at night wondering what ENID’s hopes and dreams are. Well, the twins have their own chapters from their POV in this one. Enid can’t even get a whole book to herself!

Magically, it is Christmastime again. Not to be mistaken with the MS hoax or the psycho killer Christmases, mind you. Liz is fucking moping around because Todd is going to Vermont for the break. GET OVER IT. Really. She’s like so depressed about it and mopes the entire time. He’ll be gone for about 8 days. Liz, why don’t you cheat on him, that always seems to make you feel better.

So Liz is depressed so Enid of course feels it is her personal duty to be there for Liz and drop everything to make her feel better. Enid gushes how luuuuucky she is to be friends with Liz, because “she was warm and friendly and everyone at school likes her”. Once, when Enid was a raging alcoholic wildchild, she would never DESERVE the friendship of someone like Liz. Enid got high freshman year and drove around with a guy named Brian and they killed a kid. Yet another thinly veiled reason to scare kids off alcohol and drugs.

Oh barf: “Enid didn’t have a boyfriend at the moment. Recently she broke up with Hugh Grayson. It would be fun to go shopping, see movies, and just hang out with Elizabeth. Romance was special, but so was best-friendship.” Seriously, Enid has a really unhealthy obsession with Elizabeth. For her Christmas present, Enid buys her a silk, heart-shaped box. Um.

What else is going on in pathetic Enid’s life: oh yea, her parents are divorced, and her father is coming into to town but her mother is bad mouthing her father to Enid. Enid meets him at his hotel, and realizes he is already drunk before noon. She calls him out on it and tells him his drinking is out of control, he tells her “I remember a time when you enjoyed a drink or two.” BAM! HE WENT THERE!

Also, Enid has been hanging out with Jeffrey French, but it seems all he wants to do is talk about Elizabeth. Elizabeth, being the egomaniac she is, brings cookies to Jeffrey on Xmas Eve, and further torments him so he can still be in love with her. HATE. LIZ. SO. MUCH. Enid’s pissed because she came over to Jeffrey’s in her very special Xmas outfit, which consisted of “a white turtleneck, swingy red skirt, and green headband.” Welcome to third grade, Enid. And her present to Jeffrey, a quart of ice cream (wtf? Please don’t ask.) Enid finally starts to get mad at Elizabeth for always having to be the center of attention and making it all about her.

Furthermore, she sees Jeffrey and Liz together at the Xmas party, so she finally gets some ovaries and gets mad at Liz, and goes of with her friend Brian, a guy from her “wild past”. They get high and drunk at Miller’s point.  Jess meets a guy at the party and five minutes later she drags him to Miller’s point- and she calls people a slut? She sees Enid all sloshed and immediately runs back to the party to gossip about it. When she gets back everyone calls her a fucking idiot for not helping Enid. Hah hah. Also, why in the holy hell are these kids so uptight about alcohol and drugs? It’s one of the most unbelievable aspects of the books.

Enid and Brian go for a joyride and then drive off and Brian flips the car. Luckily, Enid’s father gets there just in time to save them from the exploding car! Plus, he’s cured! He’s going to rehab! Everything is perfect! It’s the miracle of Christmas!

So Jeffrey is suddenly over Liz, he and Liz have a hearty chuckly over their painful breakup, and he realizes that he maybe does like Enid, but Enid actually grows bigger ovaries and decides she doesn’t just want to be Jeffrey’s alternative to Liz. So it ends with their relationship up in the air. Hundred bucks says their realtionship is never mentioned again.

Enid really needs to get a new idenity other than Liz’s best friend. Actually, Enid with a substance abuse problem is waaaayyyy more interesting than Enid the sycophant.

the allure of the super special

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Nothing excited me more in my YA series reading that a super special. I didn’t even imagine they could exist until my mother brought home the Baby Sitters on Board from the BSC where they all go on a cruise and then to Disney World. How timely! It was only a few months before my family was planning to pack up the station wagon and make the 27 hour drive to orlando. I even tried keeping a trip diary like the baby-sitters did, but I stopped when entries consisted of “drove for hours. Ate at Denny’s. Again.”

Since then, I would eagerly await the super special. Why was it so special? Having all your favorite characters interact in a new and complex location with new, even more unbelievable scenario. After some reflection, it seems that the Super Special (sometimes coined “super edition”) always followed a certain canon.

  • plot involved a vacation or a trip
  • a romantic fling occurred, and the object of said fling was usually never mentioned again
  • there were some fantasy or supernatural elements occurring
  • a mystery or crime is committed and the characters solve it
  • the activities in the plot occurred in a weird, physics-defying timeline that never fit with the “real” timeline and somehow did not “really” happen during the series. Think of how many Spring breaks the SVHs had, or how many summers after eighth grade the BSC had.
  • often highlighted a summertime or Christmastime (never hannukah!)
  • often told from multiple character’s perspectives

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The aforementioned Super Special where inexplicably the Pikes and Watson take their families on vacation together, and bring along extra teen girls with them. Dram! Intrigue! Romance! One big commercial for Disneyworld!

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This one was so craptastic it was like Hemingway. The kids go on a school trip to a fantasy amusement park and Liz hits her head (or falls off a motorcycle or something) and imagines a scenario where she is fighting witches, goblins, and wizards. Wtf.

Of course, all the trips the twins take where they make a big splash wherever they go.

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Then there is an altogether different subset of super specials- the CAMP ones. Growing up, I felt the same way about camp that I did about boarding schools. It was a time for mischief, growing up, and boyfriends. [It is no surprise that several of my favorite movies are The Parent Trap, Wet Hot American Summer, Little Darlings, and Camp Cucamunga. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you've actually seen the last one I mentioned.] I was too chicken and prissy to ever want to go to a sleepaway camp. However, I was a day camp counselor for five summers of my life- god knows why. I was always the one who stayed and watched all the kids while all the other counselors ran off and smoked pot in the woods. Guess who had a more fun summer? Them.

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The BSC Camp Mohawk one changed my life- I longed for the day when I could gather up enough friends to stand around and do a kickline and laugh. This is still a goal of mine. Maryanne but a melon under her pillow and went to sneak off to meet Logan. Jess and Mal were too young to be CITs so they anointed themselves as “junior CITs” and made armands for themselves and talking is a secret language or something and then wondered why their bunkmates hated them.

Steph’s Big Binge Fest: Sleepover Friends #15 Stephanie’s Big Story

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Sleepover Friends is like food and outfit porn for kids. I mean that in a really not sexual way. That’s really the basis for most of them.

The fifth grade is putting together a newspaper for their class. They act like it will be the Wall Street Journal, and not some dinky two-sided xerox that you know it really will be. They all conveniently get jobs that fit their one -dimensional personalties. Lauren will be the restaurant reviewer. Kate will write the advice column (although her identity is a secret), Patti is the editor in chief, and Stephanie will right the “society column. BWAH! Like she will be on the fifth grade party circuit. Well, I eat my words because apparently this school has lots of parties.

Everywhere Steph shows up, Karla Stamos is there, and you know she is a drip because she wears brown and doesn’t have a super-exclusive annoying clique that names themselves. Steph is mad that Karla always has the inside scoop because her aunt and uncle own the party supply store where everyone in Riverhurst goes to get their supplies.

We also get a gastro-sickening account of everything that Lauren has to eat for her review: pizza, pasta, Chinese food, burgers, fries…all in one day.

Barf.

There is a big fight among them for some reason too stupid to get into and they plot to get Stephanie talking to them again while fake-inviting her to a party to cover that they cooked up pretending that their lines got crossed on Stephanie’s wireless phone (this is 1990, cordless phones were like iphones back then).

The girls are spending their first sleepover in Stephanie’s “apartment” that her whipped parents built for her. Then again, they may be smarter than you think because they don’t have to hear her screeching once a month at the sleepovers. I wish I had a place like that. I sometimes think about how my teen life would be different if my parent’s house had a finished basement. When I was at my friends’ houses, all the good stuff happened down there.

The artist on the cover is a genius, because she has captured all of them in poses that totally describe exactly what their roles are.

I’m an SVH purist.

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Hey all, I’ve been getting some questions about my opinions about the released versions of the books. Love that you value my opinion! However, I will not be reading nor recapping these versions. My reasons and motivations for this blog are to relive the books that I read in the past and to reflect on those and I want to concentrate on the originals as they were. I think you already know my strong feelings against the rerelease of the books because (a)it is a totally dumb idea and the updates are ridiculous and unbelievable (even moreso than the plotlines in the original!) and (b) there is much better literature that should get the effort to be marketed to teens and (c) the motivation seems purely monetary for Random House.

However, it is clearly a great topic of interest to many of you and quite frankly my reasons for continuuing to do recaps is because of the support I’ve received on this blog. So, I’ve set up a place over here for you all to discuss it and post your own recaps. Please don’t take it personally if I do not join in!

Also, be sure to add your best SVH book never written.

Dear Diary: I’m boring

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Sorry all, I gave this a try and I had to stop. It was too horrid. It’s like DVD extras; sometimes you watch the deleted scenes of a movie and you think, wow, there was a reason those scenes were deleted. Do we really need to rehash some of the Saint Elzabeth moments? his is Elizabeth’s secret diary volume three, which means it takes place over bookslike 60-80 or something.

You’d think that hearing about Elizabeth in first person point of view would give more insight into her character but it gives us the insight that she is as boring and condescending as we thought she was. She also constantly refers to Diary by name, like “Diary, you wouldn’t believe what happened today!” Gross.

The infurating thing is that Elizabeth meets Sam first and they have a fling. It’s love at first sight of course, so I am sure he is just as happy with Jessica. This, of course, does not fit in any other plot line, because Liz never again mentions any other times her romantic feelings for Sam, not even when she, um, I don’t know, drives drunk and kills him.

What is that house in the background? is that guy supposed to be Sam? Liz looks like Lauren Conrad. Please shoot me for knowing who Lauren Conrad is.

Nothing’s Fair in Fifth Grade

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OMG, CLASSIC! I read the shit out this one. Rereading it, it still held up as a good book. Although thinking about it, it is a little bit of a ripoff of Blubber. Barthe is one of those children’s authors that does a great job of writing from a children’s perspective without being condescending or childish, if that makes sense. She doesn’t need to launch into a lot of background about characters, but builds the characters based on dialogue and action.

Jenny is the main character, and she has two best friends, Diane and Sharon. Diane is a sassypants and is a bit cranky and mouths off to adults and tends to be moody. In other words, she rules. Sharon is kind of an ass and she and Jenny are not always on good terms because Sharon always talks about what her mother thinks.

Elsie is the new girl at school, and everyone is horrified because she is really fat. The way they describe it, they probably mean morbidly obese. (Although she barely looks chubby on the cover.) She is also unfriendly and steals food from other people. She is on a strict diet and the principal and the teacher talk about it in front of the whole class which was totally asinine. Elsie is also mean and standoffish and immediately she starts getting made fun of. Soon people’s lunch money gets stolen and Jenny catches Elsie buying junk food with it because she is not allowed to have money of her own.

One day in front of the class Elsie’s pants fall down and she runs to the bathroom. Jenny, taking the high road, goes and comforts her and tries to realize that something else is going on with Elsie because she seems so unhealthy. Jenny has Elsie tutor her in math to earn back the money she stole.

We learn that Elsie eats because her home life sucks. Her parents got divorced and her mother kind of ignores her and favors her other sister. I think it is Emily’s stepmother Karen in a former life. Jenny convinces Sharon and Diane to befriend Elsie too, and they hang out and have fun because it turns out Elsie is cool and one of the smarter kids in the class.

One afternoon, they decide to hitchhike to a carnival and they get on a flatbed truck and in a fit of panic jump off at a red light but accidentally leave Elsie’s little sister on the trunk. They have to call the police and Elsie is pretty sure her mom will flip out and send her away to boarding school or something. But Jenny has her mom call Elsie’s mom to talk to her but Elsie’s mom is a total Scorpian Woman.

Finally their teacher talks to Elsie’s mom and she gets to stay and all is well in friendship land. The last scene of the book, Elsie proclaims that she can actually see her feet for the first time in a long time because she’s losing weight.

I know there are a couple of sequels dealing with Elsie, and it turns into all about boyfriends and such. As most YA novels do. Blah.

Seriously, this one was frakking awesome.

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Again, kidnapping warrants an exclamation point. And high wasted jeans. I am not sure what the cover is supposed to depict. Is the guy on the right supposed to be Adam Marvel? And that would make the one on the left Sam? If so, I am thoroughly disappointed.

AWESOME! Cults are like my third favorite cultural phenomenon, after serial killers and child beauty pageants. Sweet Valley is home to vampires, rapists, bombers and killers, so why not a cult?

We open with Jessica being grounded for failing math by Nalice (that’s short for Ned and Alice, I just coined it) and my god! Life isn’t fair! She has to say home and study! And her friends are out doing things without her! Of course if she is grounded then the world should stop. I’m surprised school isn’t canceled. Amy and Lila and the gang actually seem like they are having a great time. They have a super-mega weekend where they have a sleepover Friday night, a party Saturday night, and then a BBQ on Sunday afternoon. Ah, to be that social- I miss my early 20s. I am sure they are glad that Jessica is not around, for once. I’ll bet Lila is pretty fun when Jessica is not around. To top it all off, her boyf Sam is being a total jerk-off. He is riding in a huge race, which has been planned forever, and is totally his passion, but how DARE he not cancel because Jessica wants to go to the DB and show off her new outfit! What an ASSHOLE!

I am not sure if the writers want us to feel bad for Jessica or if they want the readers to see what a brat she is. I don’t think they are doing a great job of either.

Jessica is at the mall and sees two girls shopping together and breaks down because it reminds her when she used to have friends! Oh the agony! Some guy sees her crying and invites her to the Good Friends house, where people are generally characterized by their bad fashion: “The members of the good friends were, in looks at least, a pretty dowdy bunch. The boys mostly wore faded jeans and old plaid shirts. The girls wore clothes that hadn’t been in fashionable in at least a year. There was only one blonde in the room, and she didn’t even have a tan.”

Jessica decides to go and notices that the house is in a pretty bad neighbrohood, probably by Tricia Martin’s house. The house seems like every liberal-recent-college-grad group house in Mount Pleasant in Washington, DC, so if this is a cult, I am guilty. Jessica is all judgy of the people there, but of course is convinced when she meets Adam Marvel, their leader. Of course, he is the most gorgeous! guy! she’s Ever! Seen! and he totally plays into her narcissism.

Jessica gets sucked in and in typical Jessica fashion, she totally throws herself into it, dressing like, well, Liz, and spouting Good Friends rhetoric, which consists “being good” and not frivilous. It’s pretty fucking hilarious. “The Good Friends are good friends to everyone. Don’t forget that . Instead of shrinking inside of themselves, they reach out and help. Helping others is the only way we can help ourselves.” Isn’t that the girl scout mission statement? At the dinner table Ned talks about a case he is working on, involving a young teen who has been kidnapped by a local cult. Jeez, what the hell kind of superhero lawyer is Ned? He does family law, criminal law, propoerty law and now does investigative work?

Honestly, the cult doesn’t seem all that culty, most of what they do is collect money for “charity” in malls and shopping centers. Jessica gets a clue that Adam is evil when he dips into the charity money to buy groceries for the house. That makes the cult evil? Maybe if they were sacrificing children in the basement I would believe it, but dipping in to keep the cult running…that makes sense to me! You have to spend money to make money right? Wow, you’d think I have an M.B.A.

Liz infiltrates the group and pretends to be Jessica to see what the cult does and finds the cult to be…incredibly boring.

Liz confront Jess aboutn the cult, but lets Jessica continue, as long as nothing dangerous happens, but then Adam decides he wants the cult to leave SV, Jessica decides to go with them (jeez, how many times has Jessica run away? Do your homework, ghostwriters!) and Liz and Todd save the day! Turns out someone in the cult was really an undercover reporter and Adam found out so they tied her up and were going to skip town. It also turns out that Adam Marvel has been setting up Good Friends cults all over the country. Hey, he’s franchsing! Can’t blame a guy for using good business acumen.

Jessica is reprogrammed in about five minutes and the Wakefield fam all have a big laugh about it.

Someone should hook up Carl the Orderly with the Good Friends group- seems like he could use the company.

Oh and yes, the most boring subplot ever. Todd and Liz join the school’s bowling team. Except that there is not even any scenes at the bowling alley. Justin Silver (a Jew?), the coach, has the hots for Liz because obviously the twins are so gorgeous no one can resist them. Liz tries to act like she is offended but in reality she acts like a total cock tease because she loves the attention. Todd gets angry or something, and then she tells Justin to back off, and that’s it, if you could even call it a subplot.

Great quote:

“I mean, what if they have a crazy nickname for Jessica? These people do that a lot. You know, they might call her Shaheena or Bright Star or something.” Todd can be funny, on occasion.

Grade: A+

What’s your favorite cult? I am a fan of the Manson family, but am also preferable to the Blanetologists.