I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried

This SVH reader of the month essay was so eloquently written by Jamie, who was kind of an unfortunate looking tween (I am sure she is totally fine now). Some of it has to do with the fan bangs- you know, one edge is totally straight up in the air and as it moves across your head, it gets gradually lower. I really wish she had given this to her English teacher before she submitted it.

Sweet Valley books are extraordinary. I like reading them because they cause suspense and are very emotional. I have read them since I was in third grade, and they have grown on me. And when I have children, I plan to give my books to them to read. [Someone call Child Protection Services] And I hope they pass them down too.

Sweet Valley books aren’t just stories, they are lessons in life. They actually helped me to know what to expect for junior high before I got there. [Yikes! Does your junior high pimp out its students for charity?] The books are so realistic, and they make you feel like you are actually there. When Jessica and Elizabeth go on vacations, I go with them and feel their experiences and tragedies. They also help me understand other people’s morals. [....?]

Sweet Valley books are my best friends. [I want to make fun of this, but my books were my best friends growing up. And...sometimes they still are.] Jessica and Elizabeth are like the sisters I never had. But what I am really trying to say is that Sweet Valley books aren’t just a series of books, they are a legend of reading. They are what gave this era a great series of books. They are the best and surpass all others, and I hope they grow into infinity.

Infinity, like they just keep going on and on in the series? Or infinitively present? Jamie, you are too deep for me.

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24 comments

  1. maybeimamazed02 · March 10, 2008

    Ho-ly crap. I think I actually remember this one! It was the “vacations and morals” stuff that stuck with me, strange as that is.

    ihatewheat, my books were and sometimes still are my best friends too. :)

    I always thought about submitting a Reader of the Month essay but never did. Thank God. Although I would have written a hell of a lot better than this chick, I shudder to think of my 80′s perm and poofy bangs of yesteryear being foisted upon the modern world. Someone would probably make fun of me on their blog, and rightfully so.

  2. Lila's Maid · March 10, 2008

    ::: washing eyes out with soap :::

  3. Stacey · March 10, 2008

    Which book was this in? I want to check it out?????

  4. Magpie · March 10, 2008

    Oh. My. God.

    I’m so grateful that I never wrote something like this. Imagine stumbling across a blog like this twenty years later and having your humiliation come back to haunt you…

  5. Laura @ Hungry And Frozen · March 10, 2008

    “they are a legend of reading.”

    I’m still trying to figure out what she means by that. Bless her…

  6. greer · March 10, 2008

    That was so moving and beautiful. I hope her love of sweet valley continued into infinity.

  7. nichole · March 10, 2008

    Jessica and Elizabeth are like the sisters I never had? An attention whore and a condescending know-it-all…yeah, that’s what I alway hoped for my siblings.

    I can’t laugh at the books as my friends either as my personal library has essentially moved all around the country with me (mom wouldn’t let me keep them at her house). To quote Mr. Bennet – They’ve been my constant companion these many years.

  8. Amber Tan · March 10, 2008

    “I have read them since I was in third grade”

    Quite possibly the root of this girl’s problem…

    “[Yikes! Does your junior high pimp out its students for charity?]”

    Only when the Bake Sale doesn’t bring in enough $$… ;)

    ““they are a legend of reading.”

    I’m still trying to figure out what she means by that. Bless her…”

    Hee, Laura! I’m wondering about this too. Although “They are what gave this era a great series of books” is almost as priceless.

    “To quote Mr. Bennet – They’ve been my constant companion these many years.”

    Amen, Nichole, amen. :)

  9. Kelly · March 10, 2008

    “[Someone call Child Protection Services]”

    LOL

  10. Alicia · March 10, 2008

    She’s right, though. Sweet Valley books ARE realistic. A serial killer who looked exactly like me tried to steal my sister’s identity just yesterday.

  11. Amber Tan · March 10, 2008

    “She’s right, though. Sweet Valley books ARE realistic. A serial killer who looked exactly like me tried to steal my sister’s identity just yesterday.”

    Hee, Alicia! Did the serial killer happen to be suffering from a touch of the scoliosis? ;)

  12. Alicia · March 10, 2008

    Ohmigod, there’s another Alicia! I wouldn’t find this half as funny if you weren’t talking about identity stealing.. with the same name as me..

    I KNEW Sweet Valley would prove to be realistic someday!

  13. Laurie Anne · March 10, 2008

    Wow, I definitely remember reading this–that is crazy! Thanks for the trip down memory lane :)

  14. Kellie · March 10, 2008

    Oh the poor girl. I loved the books as much as she did, so I’ve got no snark ;)

  15. Alicia E. · March 10, 2008

    Ha, I didn’t know there was another Alicia, either! How appropriate. I’ll use an initial from now on, so you’ll know I’m not stealing your identity.

    “Hee, Alicia! Did the serial killer happen to be suffering from a touch of the scoliosis?”

    As a matter of fact, she did!

  16. NIUiceprincess · March 10, 2008

    Did you google her and see what she is up to now?

  17. Alicia · March 10, 2008

    I appreciate it!
    Now if only I had proof you weren’t a serial killer… ;)

  18. Stacy · March 10, 2008

    I’d hate to see what the ‘loser’ essays were like…

  19. Dwanollah · March 10, 2008

    I want to know how they chose the winners. I’ll bet they just picked the shortest ones. Essays, that is, not readers.

  20. ihatewheat · March 10, 2008

    I did google her, found nothing. Thank god for her.

  21. Enidrollins · March 10, 2008

    Maybe this Jamie is now ghost-writing the ‘A-List’ series. I wonder if she has kids. Did she pass them on? If she had kids, did she have them after being knocked up after drinking booze from a paper cup with her SO? ;)

  22. Naomi · March 10, 2008

    Please, more of these “readers of the month’ and your responses to them. I couldn’t stop laughing when I read them.

  23. Cara Walker · March 10, 2008

    The SVT ones are ridiculous, too. Funny, at the time I really, really wanted to be a Reader of the Month, but couldn’t enter because I wasn’t an American Citizen. A blessing now, though!

  24. Leigh · March 10, 2008

    Yes more reader of the month recaps would be great!! :D
    There was the funniest one ever in a SVK book. Im 96% sure it was “Bossy Steven” but I could be wrong.
    It was twin girls named… (what do you know!) Elizabeth and Jessica! And I remember they had 29 cows on their farm. Hooray.

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