Monthly Archives: March 2008

Perfect size 4

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Thanks to all of you that emailed this to me; Gawker posted a press release about the updating and rereleasing of the series and the changes that will be made to update it. They proudly display the fact that the twins are now a “perfect size 4″ instead of a “perfect size 6″. Right now I barely have the energy to get enraged because it’s not like I am surprised. But I think you all know how I feel.

The other dumb thing are the other updates. Who cares what car they drive. Are they going to have cell phones and email? If they did, you can imagine how many misunderstandings would have been avoided, and the twins could cheat on their boyfriends even more. Wtf is with Liz’s Gossip-Girl esque blog? Is that something St. Liz would really do?

Don’t get me started. Discuss amongst yourselves.

p.s thanks to whoever posted the link here on this entry because it got a lot of new visitors here. Welcome!

p.p.s. I was loving the discussion on an earlier post about modern, postive YA books, so I created a new “forum” under The DB book club. That was a commenter’s idea, so thank you.

The Gangs of Sweet Valley, or #121 The High School Wars

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I cannot tell a lie. I had to skim this one. I had to do this so I wouldn’t gouge my eyes out. Dreadful. Ok, remember all the gang stuff that started because someone insulted Ken? And Jessica fell madly and deeply in love like she’s never felt before and with the most gorgeous guy she’s ever seen? Yea, that happened. He’s the rival Palisades gang leader.

So really I’ll just say there’s lots of drama and Jess and Christian Gorman act like they are Romeo and Juliet.They’ve known each other a week, don’t even know anything about each other, and constantly talk about how they love each other. Let’s call it what it is, they are teenagers in lust. Oh, and Ken finds out when he catches them on a “real date”. That’s what the cover depicts. Ken is coming out of a restaurant, not a restroom. Jessica lies to the police about the brawl. And Todd gets arrested for beating the crap out of the Palisades guys. Liz blames the whole drama on herself.

Yeesh, so after the big warehouse dance brawl (which was really some skinny white guys throwing some punches at each other) Chrome Dome calls an assembly. He forbades anyone from wearing school colors or SVH paraphanelia. What if Liz wants to wear her “Oracle” press pass? Is that forbaden now? Wow, my father can relate. He taught at an inner-city school for 30 years where he watched gang fights going on in the hallways and he has had to confiscate razor blades from his students. I should totally tell him to read this, he could relate. The principal is putting together a task force of students to help assuage all the violence. Task force? Liz just had an orgasm. The task force is useless, duh. But it is like a halfway home for forgotten characters. Jade Wu and David Prentiss are on it, and off course, Jade is described as “exotic” and “almond-eyed”. Oh, and A.J. Morgan! He’s there too! He lives! It’s amazing when one of Jessica’s boyfriends gets out alive. I wonder why Jeffrey French is not there too.
Ken has a cell phone! They call Jessica from his car because she is afraid she drowned at the beach while surfing. “Drowned in Christian’s pool of love” is more like it.

Jessica and Christian spend much of their time on an infaltable mattress in the back of his van. Classy.

Todd lives at 1010 Country Club Drive, in case you were wondering. And lives in a mansion. Wtf, he’s rich now?

Yea so…these middle books in the trilogies blow. Just the same scene over and over again. But some good quotes:

“Jessica had kissed plenty of boys, and she’d been in love, seriously in love- but she’s never felt quite like this. It’s like we’ve always known each other somehow, and at the same time it’s so exciting , and brand-new, she thought, gazing deep into Christian’s soulful blue eyes. Like we’re meant to be together. He’s my destiny.” We’ve NEVER heard this before.

Todd calls Liz out on her shit and says “she’s …writing holier-than-thou editorials and campaigning for the Nobel Peach Prize.” Ha! Todd’s been reading this site.

We’re left with the cliffhanger, will the schools ever put their rivalry behind them? What will become of Christian and Jessica? I may never know because I don’t know if I can bear to read the next one in the series. Except that I do know what happens.

Grade: F

Beautiful Girls Play Ugly Games

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I saw this on another community. It’s the release books for #3 and #4.

Uggghhhhrrr! Why oh why? You already know my thoughts on this. And what is with the #3? Is that Bruce in the background. And the caption “sometimes beautiful girls play ugly games”. Obvs, they mean the twins because that is when Robin Wilson is a fat pig. Who do the twins look like? I think a little bit like Claire from Lost. But not particularly attractive. Kind of like most blonde college girls.

EDITED: I didn’t know this was an actual actress, thanks to those that identified her as Levin Rambin. I looked her up, and she could totally play the twins in a split-screen-Parent-trap sort of thing.

Elizabeth:

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Jessica:

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Sunset Island has poor people too, or Sunset Island #8, Sunset Promises

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I don’t know if you can see it, but in the bottom inset, the guy to Carrie’s left (in the sailor hat (?) is a bit stocky and I like that. I don’t know what my twelve year old self thought of him at the time. At that age my idea of male perfection was the Nelson twins. That explains a lot. I’m surprised I’m not a lesbian, because I loved feminine looking guys (Sebastian Bach, pre-bloat Bret Michaels, etc etc)

In Sunset Island, you know what kind of plot you are getting depending on the narrator. With Emma, it’s always about being a poor little rich girl and breaking up and making up with Kurt; with Sam it’s always about being an attention whore and not having sex; with Carrie it’s always some social justice issue. And her hottie rockstar boyf, Billy.

Ahhhhhh!!!! Mention of the perfect size six! What is it with that number? Carrie is self-c0nscious because she is “curvaceous” and not a size six like Sam or Emma. Carrie is maybe a size 10. The horror! I am getting so sick of writing size 6 in this blog.

So anyway, some plot. Carrie meets an old rich Ms. Spencer-Ramsey at the Winterhaven estate. She finds out that Carrie is a photographer, and asks her to help her with a book project (probably to end up as a bargain coffee table book). She wants preety pics of Sunset Island, and as Carrie goes to take them, she realizes that Sunset Island has poor people who are ignored by the rich, seasonal beach-house renters that she and her friends work for. Of course Kurt, poster-child for the working class, shows her the way. Ms. S-R wants to hear nothing of it, but Carrie displays the pics of the shacks at her gallery opening anyway. And then some protest group shows up. And Carrie and the gang save the poor people from a flood. I don’t know. And then…I am not sure what happens because in the next book they are off at the beach club again.

Ian Templeton’s Lord Whitehead and the Zitmen continue to grow musically as a band. They actually mention doing covers of David Bowie’s “Suffragette City” or a Dead Kennedeys song! I’m impressed that this was even mentioned in the same book with a band called Flirting with Danger!

Stop with the social consciousness, Cherie, and more clothes shopping and boyfriends. Sheesh!

The one where Jessica wins the fashion show and the boy or #49 playing for keeps

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So this one really bothered me. I mean, all of them bothered me, but this one had my head spinning.

A.J. is cute, for a SVH boy. His hair needs some layering and less feathering. Also, I was promised that he was a redhead. So I was thinking Prince Harry redhead, so I am let down. Also love the matching bland-colored shirts. Jessica needs a better bra.

So after the Slam Book fiasco was resolved, A.J. Morgan and Jessica are dating. But Jessica is putting on the pretense that she is shy, quiet, and studious…like Liz. Everyone is telling her to be herself, but she knows that A.J. doesn’t like obnoxious borderline cases like the real Jessica, and she wants to keep him. I don’t even know why they are dating, because she acts a fool all the time. She reads him bad poetry and tries to talk about wordly things. They even go to a Save the Whales meeting.

Meanwhile, some rich girl Pamela who goes to a private school is trying to steal A.J. A.J. totally wants to bone her, but is trying not to cheat on Jessica. He enjoys Jessica’s seriousness, but is really torn up because he’s a teenage boy and wants to pork a girl. So he is kind of attracted to Pamela.

Meanwhile Lisette’s (you know, the super classy store in the mall) is having a fashion show contest, and the winner gets a custom-designed wardrobe. How does this help the store? Publicity, I guess? Everyone and their mother kisses Jessica’s ass and tells her she would obvs win this thing (ugh) but she thinks A.J. wouldn’t approve. After an awkward double date with A.J., Jeffrey and Liz, she decides to enter. Jessica, honey, it was probably awkward because Jeff is a closet case, not because of you.

So Pamela chick enters the contest, and tries to trip up Jessica by ruining her outfits. The show was ultimate cheese. Pam rips the back of one of Jess’ dresses, so instead of turning around, Jessica “dances” backwards. Also, she models a denim dress that zippers up the sides (classy) but Pam jams the zippers, so Jess belts the dress with it open on both sides. Gross. Finally, she and Pam have a shrieking fight that the audience overhears, and A.J. realizes that Jess is a firecracker and they live happily ever after. And Jess wins a wardrobe of cheap mall attire.

Okaaaayyyyy, so you think the message here is that you should never compromise who you are to get a boy right? Don’t think so fast. Well, you shouldn’t change yourself if you are already shallow, superficial and slutty. So on the one hand we are getting the message that Jessica should be herself, but on the other hand her “act” of being smart and serious is not going to get the guy. Being a superficial, flirtatious slut is what gets the guy. See the twisted logic? This kills me. It’s like Francine was almost on a roll with sending an important message, but then fucks it up with her deluded superficial bullshit.

Other thoughts:

Why the hell doesn’t A.J. hear old stories about Jessica? He doesn’t seem to have any friends. They could give him some general-friends like Aaron Dallas and Tom McKay (when he was straight). Also, I don’t really get what is special about him. He seems rather boring. He makes Todd look exciting, and that is saying something. He’s outdoorsy, we’re told, but whatever.

Elizabeth feels bad that Jessica has to pretend and wants her to be her true self. She “misses the scheming, manipulative Jessica”. And I quote. Wha? She really misses the Jessica that steals her boyfriends and calls people fat? I hate the Wakefield family.

Pamela is a total vixen. She lures A.J. to her house- and get this- one of the straps of her sundress slides down. This is the closest we get to talking about sex since the Bruce-Liz-amnesia thing.

Amy Sutton doesn’t enter the fashion show because she thinks she’s too fat. She has to sit on Lila’s lap in the Fiat and Lila complains how much she weighs. Great friends.

When Jessica enters the fashion contest, the salesperson asks her size and Jess is all “size 6, duh”. As if the salesperson is supposed to have read the series.

Grade: D

Where are all the poor, ugly, awkward girls?

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I was in Barnes and Noble and accidentally on purpose wandered into the young adult section and I noticed that most of the featured books were about Vampires and/or rich kids. (Yes, I know I need to read Twilight.)

Apparently, these are the series that are all the rage.

Gossip Girl: obvs, you probably know about these. Rich kids on the Upper East Side of Manhattan spend their parents money and sleep with each other’s boyfriends.

A-List: Rich kids in Beverly Hills

The Clique Series: Rich kids at a private day school

The Private Series: rich kids at a private boarding school

Anyone see a pattern? What happened to the underdogs? The awkward girls? The Margarets and the Kathleens? Why the sudden fascination with rich, vapid, and materialistic? Where success is defined as cutting other girls down and bullying? And snagging the rich popular guy? I know that this stuff can be fun to read about as a guilty pleasure. And of course, as always, it’s always great to have girls read, but the girls who are probably into reading don’t need to have these messages hammered into their minds. I guess I have kind of accepted the fact that other forms of media are totally corrupted for young girls (uh, who HASN’T been sucked into a marathon of The Hills) but leave literature alone! Let that be a place where girls can get positive messages!

These make Jessica Wakefield seem like Gidget.

The Girls of Canby Hall: Roommates

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I’ve gotten lots of a requests for this one, and I aim to please…

I never read this series as a young gal, so understand that I have no reference to how this would have affected me. But I wish I had, because here’s a series about some seemingly real and likeable characters. Sorry, hard to snark! And you all know how I feel about boarding schools. When I was younger, I saw it as some magical place where if I ever got the chance to go to I would suddenly come into my own, get involved, and be somebody. The idea of living on my own with a whole bunch of students my own age was such a draw for me. Funny, my first college dorm experience was less than desireable and I was so unprepared to manage the things that went with it. My obsession with boarding schools continued through college and I actually had the chance to work at Phillips Academy for a while. I loved it sooooo much and I think just working there for the short time I did just gave me the taste of what I needed about it. I did lots of sitting out in the quad talking about intellectual things and guiding the minds of some bright, rich students. But I’m over that and I am not so interested in furthering the lives of already privileged students. And, since reading Prep, I realize that boarding school would have been a NIGHTMARE for me. [And, I can't say this enough, but READ PREP IMMEDIATELY. It's genius.]

Anyway, enough about me! Back to the book! So three gals are transferring their sophomore year to Canby Hall, a private girls’ boarding school.

Dana: the cool girl from New York City. You know what? She is pretty cool. She’s got the New York vibe without being over the top and is not the kind of person won’t shut up about being cool and sophisticated because she’s from New York [cough]StaceyMcGill[cough].

Faith: is Black and from Washington DC (yay for someone recognizing that DC is primarily Black and not just home to congresspeople and young white professionals]. She is a bit tough at the beginning and has her guard up, most likely to protect herself from the racism she’ll get from a prep school. I actually like how the author and the characters acknowledge her blackness and acknowledge that racism and recognize her identity, and not be like, oh and by the way, she’s black. [cough]JessiRamsey[cough]

Shelley: annoyed the crap out of me. She’s from a southern town and spent the whole book homesick and sulking around. But, she comes around in the end and ends up coming back after Christmas break.

When the girls first get there they start hating each other after some miscommunications and its super tense. Dana goes out and joins chorus and gains some confidence to go to mixers and stuff. She meets and gets involved with some Don Juan and there’s some drama with that. (Conveniently, there is an all boys’ school at the next town over.) The nice thing about their dating is not some gooey talking and unrealistic dating but they actually talk to each other and get to know each other. Imagine that? Talking to the boy you are dating about interesting things!

Faith mostly does schoolwork but befriends a girls named Casey, who is kind of a troublemaker and a smartass. She is that way because she has pretty crappy parents who ignore her. One night she almost runs away and Faith goes out and convinces her to come back home, but they have to sneak back in and she takes the heat for it, but it all works out.

They get through their misunderstanding and are helped by their housemother Alison, who is the funky young person who always has the answer to everyone’s problems. Imagine Elizabeth Wakefield all grown up. I don’t know if Allison is also a teacher there, but what a shitty job to be available at all hours to some preteen girls.

Kudos to the writer of this series: the girls have crushes and stuff, but they are pretty focused on school and are written as smart and independent. And they truly do seem to have a friendship that seems fun.

Okay, so I have to insert some snark in here about the cover. I know it is 1983, but their clothes- Yeesh! Dana is supposed to be hip, but what the hell is she wearing? A prairie shirt and baby-poo-green pants? [I seriously think American Apparel clothes are based on clothing from YA covers.] Faith looks about 47 years old. [but the mock turtleneck is back!] Shelley is normally dressed, but her face makes her look like she has a case of the crazies. Plus, she is described as being a bit chubby. If that’s chubby, then we’re doomed.

I’ve had a hard time finding these, but I wouldn’t mind reading a couple more.

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried

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This SVH reader of the month essay was so eloquently written by Jamie, who was kind of an unfortunate looking tween (I am sure she is totally fine now). Some of it has to do with the fan bangs- you know, one edge is totally straight up in the air and as it moves across your head, it gets gradually lower. I really wish she had given this to her English teacher before she submitted it.

Sweet Valley books are extraordinary. I like reading them because they cause suspense and are very emotional. I have read them since I was in third grade, and they have grown on me. And when I have children, I plan to give my books to them to read. [Someone call Child Protection Services] And I hope they pass them down too.

Sweet Valley books aren’t just stories, they are lessons in life. They actually helped me to know what to expect for junior high before I got there. [Yikes! Does your junior high pimp out its students for charity?] The books are so realistic, and they make you feel like you are actually there. When Jessica and Elizabeth go on vacations, I go with them and feel their experiences and tragedies. They also help me understand other people’s morals. [....?]

Sweet Valley books are my best friends. [I want to make fun of this, but my books were my best friends growing up. And...sometimes they still are.] Jessica and Elizabeth are like the sisters I never had. But what I am really trying to say is that Sweet Valley books aren’t just a series of books, they are a legend of reading. They are what gave this era a great series of books. They are the best and surpass all others, and I hope they grow into infinity.

Infinity, like they just keep going on and on in the series? Or infinitively present? Jamie, you are too deep for me.

I’m trying this out

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A friend gave me this idea and I’m going to go with it-

We were thinking of our favorite YA covers and how bad they are, so why not have an hommage? Here is a place to talk about the most craptastic covers. Even better…if you want to RECREATE a cover, please submit a pic of yourself doing it, and I’ll post it. It could be a gas.

A fantastic source for SV covers from all series is here. Of course, there is always Amazon, google image searches, and the site fantastic fiction, which seems to preserve a lot of out of print covers.

I’m posting this as a header under Cover Girls so start the convo over there!

Boxing Helena 2: This time it’s personal; or #13 Kidnapped!

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Kidnapped! With an exclamation point! It’s scary! Firstly, the cover never happened in the book. Liz was abducted from her car and the guy came at her head on with a chloroform-soaked rag. But I am getting ahead of myself. Check out Liz’s arm and hand. It’s freakishly huge.

The theme of this book is that the Wakefield twins are so gorgeous and so desireable that it isactually dangerous for them. Like, people would commit crimes to be with them. It’s like the opposite of a hate crime! Someone pass some laws!

Carl is a loser orderly in the hospital who develops the hots for Liz and decides that he is going to kidnap her because he is in love with her and if he keeps her prisoner, she will learn to love him. When has that ever worked? Okay, maybe once. He keeps her in his loser apartment. Because he’s not a blond surfer and married, he needs to live in complete filth and exile. He feeds Liz frozen pancakes, and she’s really judgemental about it. She tries to talk him out of it, but Liz, this is one situation you can’t counsel/condescend your way out of! Cue the music. I don’t mean to be harsh here, but I think most women’s fear about being abducted by a strange man is some fear of sexual assult. Of course that is never brought up here. Especially after being abducted by a man that is obsessively in love with you? One thing is that Liz has to be freed so she can go to the bathroom. THAT’S THE FIRST TIME ANY CHARACTER HAS ACTUALLY EXPRESSED AN URGE TO URINATE! It’s a miracle. The never mention bodily functions. Except when Jess poisoned her family with her cooking.

Jess lets many hours go by because she is do busy rubbing her genitals up against Nicholas Morrow at his party. The Morrows just moved to town and they are throwing a party. Jess is at home getting ready and is wearing a new dress that “leaves little to the imagination”. Doesn’t she always dress like that? And what does that even mean? Her vagina is showing? She asks Steven to zip her up, who comes out of the shower in a towel to help her. Scuse me what? This gives ghostwriter an opportunity to launch into the perfect-size-6-aqua-eyes-tanned-body description, using Steven’s view as a device to mention it. What? WEIRD! Also, Steven, please go back your dorm for once. Your parents are working extra hours to afford it.

So they get to the Morrow’s house, and the place is so over the top dripping with money it’s like an epi of Cribs. You know, like the one where mariah Carey is drunk and changes outfits about five times. I thought the Morrows were modest: “Flanking the main entrance were twin rows of neatly manicured cypress trees, all planted in huge brass urns. In the center of the circular drive were three pure-white marble fountains that sprayed mists of water into the crisp white air.” Basically, the Bellagio hotel. Furthermore, they have a Ferrari.

Also, Jessica is all judgy when she meets Regina and concludes she is a drunk (not knowing she is deaf). After she finds out, her first thought is gee, I hope Nicholas isn’t deaf! Oh Jess, you never disappoint. Todd is at the party and is all worried about where Liz is, and Jessica only being Jessica lies and says Liz is on her way so she can continue to dry hump Nicholas’ leg. He is so pissed he pushes her into the pool. NOYCE!

Oh, there’s this whole thing where Max Dellon is implicated, snoresville, but he and Jess go to the hospital and Carl thinks its Jessica who escaped from his creepy house and implicates himself. My question is: did he not know they were identical twins? Wasn’t he stalking Liz like crazy when she worked there?

After Liz is rescued, they all have a fucking pancake breakfast at the Wakefields and everyone is ok, making kidnapping jokes. Ok, kidnapping, coma…why isn’t this gal in therapy? Finally Nicholas stops by and of course when he sees Liz is love at first sight. I don’t know why, he’s already seen Jessica and aren’t they supposed to be absolutely identical? Maybe he was attracted to Liz’s barettes and sensible cardigan.

I need to share some direct quotes because I can’t do it justice with a summary:

[Cara] knew that Jessica was like the Royal Canadian Mounted Police- she always got her man.

[Nicholas] was blessed with a full head of black, wavy hair, which he wore swept back off his face, the waves falling in perfect layers down to the nape of his neck. From his piercing, deep-set, emerald green eyes to the cleft in his chin he had a face that would make any male model burn with envy. Nicholas?