Monthly Archives: January 2008

It’s like when Todd moved to Vermont

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I have gotten a large load of new readers, thanks to some linking, but I wanted to say please hang on even if you don’t see postings! I will be traveling for the next two weeks and won’t be posting…but please stay tuned because I will be back! I brought lots of YA books in my suitcase (I am too ashamed to read them on the plane).

First stop is Vegas, and I was thinking how great it would be to have an SVH themed resort/casino. The guest rooms would either have brown walls and a pigsty (the Jessica) or neat with a complimentary tyepwriter (the Elizabeth). If you are a high roller, you can stay in the Patmas Estate room or the Flowler Crest room, complete with servants you can abuse. The restaurants, duh, would be recreations of the Dairi Burger and Casey’s with the Box Tree Cafe as the one you need reservations for. What else? you’d of course have the Beach Disco Nightclub and Kelly’s bar. Every hour on the hour cheerleaders perform at the front lobby and do triple herkies. At thehotel spa, some crazed woman will try to steal your face. I think the hotel would probably have a weight limit to stay there, and there would be a quota of only one person per non-white identity allowed in the hotel at one time. Someone stop me! I’m on a roll!

The Vampire Diaries! Republished!

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I was wandering aimlessly through Barnes and Nobles and noticed that the Vampire Diaries are being re-released. I totally forgot about these until that moment and I almost wet my pants with joy. I don’t remember the exact details but I know some Jessica-esque gal has a torrid affair with a vampire and then his twin brother tries to steal her away. Or something. I just remember them being suuuper sexual without actually containing sex. L.J. Smith also wrote The Secret Circle Series and oh my god those were awesome too. I used to have a thing for vampires…oh hell, I still think vampires are kind of hot. The Vampire Lestat totally did it for me…except when he turned his mom into a vampire and they kind of made out. Anyway, each new book contains two of the old books. I snatched ‘em up and totally will be reporting back.

Old cover:

New sooooper sensual sexy cover:

Pen Pals #3, P.S. Forget It!

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Why do these girls even put up with Palmer’s bullshit? So Palmer finally has Simmie for a pen pal, and Lisa mentions that he’s kind of a dumbass. Palmer gets her tweed slacks in a twist.

Mysteriously, Rob, Lisa’s pen pal, says he has to be away for a bit and won’t be able to write for a while. Palmer convinces her that it’s because Rob’s an ass. Finally, Lisa starts getting mushy love letters from Rob asking her to meet him somewhere. One is to go into town where he doesn’t show up, and the next one is to meet him at the boat house and he doesn’t show up, but Simmie does. it turns out that the kids at Ardsley boys school are pledging secret societies, and Simmie is pledging to be a part of the Hydraulic Dudes, so one of his tasks was to humiliate one of his roommates. If it is so secret, how come everyone knows?

Lisa finds out that Rob is really in the hospital and has an absolute shit fit, and tries to sneak out to go visit him, but their housemother Maggie Grayson finds her and feeds her cookies and enables her by not turning her in. Wouldn’t it fucking suck to be a housemother?

Finally, the school is having a Strawberry Pancake Breakfast and inviting the Ardsley boys. A Strawberry Pancake Breakfast sounds like fricking heaven to me. Maybe it’s just because I am starving right now. Simmie is dressed like Pee Wee Herman as one of his hazing sites, and Palmer is peeved to be seen with them. Lisa and Rob make lovey-dovey and he asks her to wear his pin. And Palmer gets away with her shit, yet again.

Lisa and Rob are actually a cute couple. I know, why not the snark? They seem to be pretty into each other and actually know about each other’s interests and seem to be genuinely interested in each other’s personalities. Rob is a cutie. Gross, he’s thirteen! But I’ll bet Logan Bruno couldn’t hold a torch to him.

Oh wow, chock full of outfit-y goodness. First, the cover: Lisa’s green outfit? Fantastic. And her layered scrunch socks and Bass boat shoes rock my world. Did anyone have shoes like that? You wouldn’t tie them normally, you would make little twists at the ends and have them stick out. You feel me?

For her fake date, Lisa wears mutiple colored t-shirts (?) with striped bike pants. For the breakfast, Shanon wears long, oversized Hawaiin-print shorts and a bright red sleeveless T-shirt from Lisa. Lisa borrows a silky, knee-length scarlet shirt and a pair of snug-fitting white leggings. Oh, the nineties.

Help out Tiny Pants!

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Kate is writing a column for The Oracle, er, doing sociology research. Please help her out by volunteering to share your experiences. Please contact Kate directly.

My name is Kate (I’ve commented on this site before under the name tiny pants) and I’m a graduate student in the sociology department at the University of California, San Diego. I am currently working on a project about young adult series novels for girls, and I would love to interview users from this site about their experiences and thoughts about reading these books. I can interview you via email, Gmail IM, phone, or (if you’re in Southern California) in person — whatever is easiest for you! For more info, please email me at tinypantswood [at] gmail [dot] com.

You could cut the sexual tension between Todd and Ken with a knife, or #114 “V” for Victory

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I am doing this after watching Bring It On: In It to Win It on ABC Family this weekend. It was SO Sweet Valley High. Although it was very difficult for me to tell all the blond girls apart. The VERY blond girl was Jessica, and the other blond from California was so Eizabeth. And they stole the plot from this book. Although, I guess there is a finite amount of cheerleader plots one can think of. Anyway, it was often. Not only was there a cheer-off, but there was an honest-to-god cheer rumble. No joke.

Previously, Jessica quit the squad because Heather Mallone was a beotch, and then Jessica formed her own quad but then the squads combined and they won the state championships after most of the girls learned backflips within a span of a week. And Todd and Ken found out that Liz had an affair with Ken, so none of the four are speaking to each other.

So SVH has a huge sendoff for the team, which included the whole school at yet another pep rally with the marching band (SVH has a marching band?) and all the MEN’S sports teams sending them off. There is a big parade to lead them out to their bus where they will head to Yosemite for the competition. Who is driving the bus? Why aren’t they going with a chaperone? These kids are minors. They could have easily had Mr. Collins. I am sure he would love to be in the middle of a cheerleading competition. They also painted the bus. So they own it? The lowly copy editor who reviewed this book never caught these things?

So they get to the competition and are sharing a bunk with a team from Alabama, which you know talk in exaggerated accents and walk around with haystalks in their mouths. Because they’re not from California. There’s tons of combinations and cheerleading terminology are thrown around, and I’m convinced half of it is fake. Jess and Heath fight about what cheers they should do, because apparently at a National competition, you can do that last minute. Reason #345 that this teams needs ADULT SUPERVISION.

Heather’s old team is there, and the new captain Marissa James is an ass. Heather seems threatened by her and suddenly starts fucking up during the competition. Obvs because Marissa is blackmailing her to do so. So we are left with what Heather is trying to hide. I was thinking a coke habit or a lesbian love affair. Jessica boots her off the team (again, can you do this at a National Competition?) but Liz is all in a huff and gets sexually aroused about follow rules exactly, so she makes her put Heather on the squad. It turns out Heather cheated on a math test to be a part of the squad. Yea, that’s the big secret. The gals come through in the end and come in second overall.

Now that that is out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF. Ken and Todd approach each other in the hallway and start to have words with each other. They get into a physical altercation, and Bruce walks by and says “hey, the Wakefield twins are not worth it”. Bruce, stop making me want to make out with you. So Todd and Ken jump him. There’s a lot of boys rolling around on each other, and it’s mega-gay. So the boys make up and realize what they really want are their girlfriends back. You know what this calls for..ROAD TRIP!

They head out and plan to surprise the girls at Yosemite. They pass Winston on the way and drag him along, although he really doesn’t want to go. They get there and there are no boys allowed inside. I am surprised that Jessica agreed to go. So as they turn around to drive back the six hours they came, they HAPPEN to stumble upon a cheerleading uniform store. What are the odds? So they decide to get costumes and go in drag to get into the competition.

Okay, Which commences my biggest pet peeves ever– men dressing in drag and acting “feminine” for comedy. I am not talking about an actual drag show, but taking supposed “manly men” and making them act “gay” or “girly” with the punchline being acting this way is so stupid and ridiculous because the irony being that “real” men don’t do this. When men act “like women” they usually act really dumb, shallow, week and stupid, which is pretty sexist. I am not sure if I am explaining it well. but the end result is some massive transphobia and homophobia. Like men who act “feminine” are ones to be laughed at. Also, several people are killed and tortured and ridiculed each year fro acting or appearing different from the gender they are “supposed” to act like, so no, it’s not really that funny to me.

However, this is the most personality that Ken has shown-ever. Even when he was blind for a while. I just really need to quote this verbatim.

“Ken!” called Todd. “Can I borrow your blue eyeshadow?”

“Coming!” Ken called in a falsetto voice. A moment later he sashayed into the bathroom like a runway model, adorned in a classic cheerleader costume. “How do I look, dah-lings?” Ken drawled, his hands on his hips. He pirouetted slowly, pausing to exhibit the cheerleading costume from a variety of angles…Ken whirled in a circle, displaying the flare of his skirt.

Todd put his fingers to his lips and let out an approving whistle.

“Hubba hubba!” said Winston, twisting around to watch the show.

“I always know you’d make a great girl,” said Todd with a grin.

Here’s your eyeshadow, honey,” said Ken, batting his eyelashes at Todd, “but make sure to return it.”

Ugh. See what I mean? Furthermore, I think that Ken and Todd have been dying to do this and flirt with each other, but haven’t had an excuse.

So they sneak into the competition and apparently all the officials are idiots and believe they are women, but everyone else knows that they are men and think it’s a big joke. Jessica gets onstage and makes them do a routine, which includes a lot of “gay” type dancing and “flitting around” which makes me ill. I can’t even talk about it. By being onstage, the guys realize that Marissa’s team slicked the stage with baby oil so SVH would fuck up. Thus, her team is disqualified.

Finally, I HAVE to share all the dumb cheerleading stuff. Could the ghostwriter PLEASE do some research?

There are some triple herkies, Y-split, a “funky monkey” routine where they wear sunglasses and try to act like gangsta rappers, a cheer where they spell “R-O-W-D-I-E” (isn’t it”rowdy”), of course the twin factor “mirror-imaging” .

This was one of the most unbelievable plots ever. And that is saying a lot.

Grade: A

a few hours of your life you will never get back

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Reader Kate directed me to the ABC Family site where you can watch several episodes of the SVH tv show for free (click on “Watch” and then scroll down. Seriously, I can barely sit through five minutes of each one. First off, because I can never tell the male characters apart (‘cept for Winston, obvi). And I can’t tell if it is supposed to be a comedy or drama or both. It loses the kitsch of the books and just makes it…kind of sad. Furthermore, I think they try to use storyline from the books but change it a little, so why bother? The one I tried to watch was based on In Love With the Enemy Gang Wars, but with Christian Gorman as a rival basketball player. Or something. Jessica’s horrid bangs were too distracting. To me, the twins look like porn star rejects.

Also, there was a pretty funny Judy Blume reference on the new episode of Reno 911! this week. Fyi.

Good lord, the BSC has gone to shit

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I’ve pretty purposefully chosen not to do BSC books on this site for the sake of time and because there are already several good sites out there for it. But, I managed to get this one for 99 cents at a used book store. And you know what? I want my money back.

So I never read the mysteries when I was into the BSC, and now I know why. I never cared about the mysteries, I was more interested in the boys, the ballet dancing, and the diabetes. But this…was the most horrendous piece of literature I have ever read. Wtf? I know at this point Anne M.’s ghostwriters were pooping out BSC books like crazy but seriously, was she still okay with putting her name on this?

I could probably make a better cover using Windows paint. And the caption “It’s a mystery with nine lives.” What does that even meeeeeeaaan? So the plot, I guess, is that there is an old house in Kristy’s neighborhood that is burglarized by the titular cat burglar, who draws a cat on the mailbox at every crime scene as his “calling card”. Kristy and her frenemy Cary Reitlin are there at the time and investigate more. The house belongs to Reinhard Golem, some pervy old guy who invites the kids in and actually calls Kristy several times later to ask her to help solve the mystery. What is that about? Krsity also brags that she and the club are really good at solving crimes around the neighborhood so the old guy who owns the house that was burlgarized enlists them in helping them solve the mystery. I know…so stupid.Turns out he was the one planning the whole thing and also tried to use the kids to try and frame a local police officer. He also holds the kids hostage for a bit. It actually turns out that Kristy and company actually made the situation WORSE by being involved, but they still get a fucking key to the city of Stoneybrook for helping out.

This didn’t even read like a BSC book, the emotions were so detached and the story was stupid. I have to go back and read Logan Likes Mary Anne to rekindle my BSC luv. We get all the secriptions of the club at the beginning, but they are BARELY in it, so what’s the point? Also, along with their useless BSC notebook, they also have a mystery notebook where they keep track of clues of all the mysteries they are working on. I KNOW! SO FUCKING STOOOPID!

Oh, Ranheim calls Kristy at home to chat about the clues. Can her parents please monitor their phone calls? Or are they too busy rolling around in Watson’s millions and adopting Vietnamese babies?

They work with Seargant Johnson who they know well and is their friend. That is so inappropriate. I don’t care how good someone is with kids, when an adult is friends with a kid they are not related to, it’s just WEIRD and INAPPROPRIATE. In fact, when he thinks he is being framed, he shows up at Kristy’s house to ask for help. If you need a thirteen year old’s help with this, he should NOT be carrying a gun or a badge.

Also, Andrew, Kristy’s little stepbrother, now lives with his mother. What happened there?

Of course, there are the obligatory chapters on their babysitting exploits. Charlotte Johannsen decides to go all Harriet the Spy and spy on the people in her neighborhood. And her sitters not only let her, but go with her! Even after acknowledging that in Harriet the whole thing blows up in her face! So I don’t have to tell you what happens…that Charotte’s friends get mad at her for spying on them.

I never read the ones where Abby showed up, but I gotta tell ya, she doesn’t seem all that bright. And kind of annoying.

Viva la original BSC!

Seriously, the mysteries SUCK.

vomtastic

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Thanks to all of you that asked, I decided to name my cat Regina Morrow. Because of the heart murmur, and get this…I can’t believe I didn’t make the connection before…she has a gray face with a little bit of a white spot under her nose…like she has just snorted cocaine! It was just too perfect!

I started reading Rosa’s Lie, but I had to share this reader of the month. I think she thought that she was writing a Sweet Valley Saga. You ready?

As I curl up in front of the blue-gray woodstove on a chilly winter night or lie on my bed under the ceiling fan on a hot, lazy day, I drift over to another place. [Does it matter what the color of the woodstove is? Seriously.]
Francine Pascal can take an ordinary situation and elaborate it into an introguing novel. The printed lines in her books provide a perfect mental picture of Sweet Valley and its inhabitants. I am transported into the California dream. [The California WASP dream, that is.]

I escape from my worries and pressures to Jessica’s exciting schemes [sociopathy] and Elizabeth’s continuous rescues of her sister [doormattopathy] and her drive to do better.

Francine’s books furnish me with dreams and an attitude to do my best [i.e., be really thin and blond]. After finishing a book I feel relaxed and ready to tackle the obstacles in my life [if those obstacles include winning a cheerleading competition and/or escaping a deranged kidnapper].

I feel Francine’s books not only provide pleasurable liesure time but also give me insights on how to live my life.

That was from Becky, and when I googled her full name, got nothing. If you are not googable, you are nothing.

Sam almost moves to Japan to be a hooker, or Sunset Island #7, Sunset Heat

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These stupid covers! Sam has a hat and a cane, I guess because she is a dancer. But, she’s not a minstrel dancer or anything- she does mostly modern dance and hip hop. What gives? And the boys on the cover, I can only assume are Presley and Kurt. Pres is wearing his boxers, I think. And they are way hiked up. As for Kurt, I think this is when I learned the concept of a “treasure trail”.

So the gals are back on the Island, and Sam is still contemplating her life after leaving Kansas State. And Becky and Allie the slut twins, have changed. Allie now dresses like a nun and is a rip off of Winona Ryder’s character in Mermaids.

Sam meets a new friend Marina, who is a dancer also. They go out to a club (apparently Sunset Island is also home to many nightclubs) and randomly there is a scout or a dance company who offers them jobs on the spot, in Japan. Marina goes right away and Sam still thinks about it for a bit.

To get a passport, she keeps asking her parents for her birth certificate. They are hesitant to send it…because Sam is ADOPTED! And they were never planning on telling her, which is kind of shitty. So that makes Sam want to run away to Japan even more, but then she gets a call from Marina telling her that the whole thing is a sham, and is really an international prostitution ring. Yikes! Sam gets megabucks Emma to pay for Marina’s flight home.

Oh, and lots of stupid flirting with Presley Travis, who only talks in bad Southern cliches.

Heh. The twins call each other “slimey slut lizards”. I’ll have to use that one.

I think this book also has the debut of Lord Whitehead and the Zit Men, which is Ian Templeton (the kid Carrie takes care of)’s band, who plays industrial music. Literally. They bang on washing machines along to the beat of popular music. Kind of cutting edge.

This is also the summer that lasts about 10 years, aka about thirty books.

Seriously, if you haven’t you should start reading these. I have been enjoying them more at age thirty than I did at thirteen. But then again, I’m kind of bizarre.

The Bloods and the Crips have nothing on SVH and Palisades; or In Love With the Enemy, #120

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As I was reading every word of this, I felt like this book was written to be ridiculed. Like the ghostwriters were giving me a big wink with every inane pararaph. Yes, I know this was written in 1998, but let’s just pretend that they came into the future and knew I would one day be embarking on this project. Also, this convinced me that the ghostwriters were about 67 years old, from another country, or raised in a cave by wolves because their depictions of teenagers and high school is so fucking off-base.

Oh my god. Head spinning. So much to cover. So, the book opens at the big Palisades v. SVH football game. (Isn’t every one of their games the big game?) and Jessica is leading the cheerleaders in a super-amazing, awesome routine. Ready for this? It’s a rap routine and Amy puts on a backwards baseball cap and they point their fingers at the audience like “rappers”. WTF???? So bad I cringed when I read that. I think Heather stole this routine from the East Compton Clovers.

Well, Greg McMullen, a Palisades player, knocks Ken over and he gets all huffy about it. Isn’t that what football is? Get over yourself, pretty boy. After the game Greg and his neanderthalls rough Ken up in the parking lot.

Meanwhile, Jessica and her witches are at the beach during a surf competition, and the winner of the contest gets a trip to Hawaii and a tv interview. So Jessica decides she has to win the trip and be on tv, so SHE DECIDES SHE WILL WIN THE SURF CONTEST. Lucky we have Lila who reminds Jessica that she is a stupid egomaniac. Rosie Shaw, the top female surger totally overhears this and laughs at Jess. I like this Rosie. Can we get a spin-off series please?

So Jess gets up at five every day to try surfing. Luckily, a hunk from the beach is there to help her and of course falls for her instantly. His name is Christian Gorman. He could be Jewish, no? Except for the first name. Of course.

h, backtrack a little. At the aformentioned game, Liz and Enid meet Marla and Caitlin, who are the editors for the Palisades newspaper. They decide they need to out-nerd each other and collaborate on an event that will foster teamwork between the schools. So they wrack their brains and come up with….I’ll let you guess what the event is…haven’t figured it out yet?…. a DANCE. Because they NEVER have the idea to do that. And, it must be a Friday coming up. Also, don’t they need permission from the school? Of course not, when Chrome Dome bends over and takes it in the ass whenever a Wakefield wants something. I’ll bet Mr. Collins will be there.

Meanwhile,the two schools start to prank each other, which includes stringing toilet paper all over Ken’s lawn, spray-painting the foo0tball field, and other hardcore gangsta stuff. It reminded me of the East-West Coast rap wars.

Bruce, Ronnie Edwards, Ken, Todd and others go really hardcore and show up in school wearing jean jackets and sunglasses. WATCH OUT! They may start…breaking out in song! To save money, I am surprised Bruce didn’t pull out his Club X leather jackets. Also, I wonder if they are also wearing jeans? Because that would be horrifying, a jean jacket with jeans, which I call a jean tuxedo. It’s a big no-no.

Liz is all pissy that Todd is involved and that Todd is thinking for himself, and Jess actually doesn’t care what Ken is doing because she is ducking face with her mysterious surf teacher. He doesn’t tell her anything about himself and that unbalance of power in the relationship only makes Jess want him more. They exchange I love you’s after two days together.

So the rumor is that a big throwdown is going to happen at the upcoming dance, which is now a masquerade ball and will take place at an abandoned warehouse. This sounds more like a rave to me…where are the glowsticks? Also, who is funding this? Liz and Enid and Caitlin and Marla consider cancelling it, but it turns out the rumble will happen anyway, so they figure it is better to have people around. I don’t even know why Enid is involved, it just seems she is doing it because Liz is. Enid needs to go back to crystal meth, she was way more interesting then.

So the dance happens and the SVH gang heads out back to start the rumble with the Palisades guys, who are in leather jackets and sunglasses. They start to fight and it like West Side Story, although more like the the Gap commercials than the real thing. Ken goes down and Jessica runs out to see….that the gang leader is none other than Christian Gorman! Gasp! Then she passes out for some reason. Cliffhanger!!!!

Grade: A+ for being a complete parody of itself.

At the dance Bruce tells Jessica she looks like a bruise because she is wearing blue and black. Love that Bruce.

Liz and Enid meet Caitline and Marla over brunch at a swanky place. Now, I brunched all the time when I lived in NY, but what teenagers do this? Liz is a fucking grandma.

need your help

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I just got a cat- I’ve actually already had her for a couple of months, but I was fostering her, but now I am officially adopting her. I need a name for her, because the name she was given in the shelter is fucking stupid. I really want to name her after a YA book character. Any thoughts? I was thinking Lila Fowler or Bruce Patman. Her name doesn’t have to be female. She’s really vocal and an attention whore. And one of her eyes permanently faces outward, like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys. Thoughts?

For those of you into (mostly indie) music, here are my top albums of 2007. Feel free to disagree. For those of you that like the Magnetic Fields, there is a song on ther fantastic new album called “California Girls” and it totally could have been written about Sweet Valley. Check it out. I think it will be released in February.

Radar Magazine (if you don’t already read it, you should, it’s fantastic) has a quiz to determine what current young adult novel is for you.

And finally, a question: Was Winston ever on any SVH cover?

more big girl books!

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Believe it or not, I do find the time to read some age- appropriate books. I read a few lately that may be of interest to this commuity.

I love James St. James. His memoir Disco Bloodbath was entertaining but wasn’t exactly a literary feat, so I was skeptical about his first fiction novel. The main character, no doubt based on the author, is an extremely flamboyantly gay teenager who is beginning school at an ultra-conservative, WASPY, private school. Basically Sweet Valley High. The observations and interactions are of course wuite entertaining, but he is violently harassed, which, not too funny, but it addressed, albeit satirically. Finally he befriends the popular boy in school, who it turns out has a touch of the gay. Billy’s perceptions of the ultra-white, ultra-perfect schoolmates are pretty dead-on. Kind of turns the idea of SVH on its head. I don’t usually laugh out loud while reading.

Mortified is a collection of writings, memoirs, letters, etc. from various people’s teenage years. Mostly people’s exerpts from their journals. Since a lot of you enjoy reminiscing (and cringing) about our pre-teen years, this is more cringe material. Again, incredibly hilarious and also a little but sad. The best ones are one miserable boy’s correspondence with his parents from camp, some embrassing Duran Duran fan fiction, and unsent love letters. I think this is also based on a stage show.

Paul Feig’s Superstud is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. He recalls all the awkward points of childhood and dating with excruciating detail. Also, he gives a complete minute-by-minute play-by-play of when he lost his virginity, and it’s less vulgar and more hysterical, because he writes what everyone thinks but usually doesn’t write about. Hilarious. And kind of touching.

Blake Nelson is also a great writer. His books are set in high school, but his writing is pretty astute and appealing to adult readers. His novel Girl was basically my autobiography. Well, not really, but maybe a little.

A canning factory in SoCal

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Okay, I have forgot that I was doing this book in parts and half forgot on purpose because it was pretty boring. Okay, let’s get this done.

Helena and William’s baby dies suddenly, and Helena cannot have anymore children. Coincidentally, William’s new junior executive on Wall Street, Reginald looks very much like William, but somes from a poor family. Suprise! He’s really their son! They were switched at birth at the hospital. What are the odds? Just about as likely as their ancestors almost marrying each other at least eight times.

Then Katherine (the actress)’s daughter Cassandra becomes a doctor for the troops in World War II, but miscarries after she finds that her husband has been killed in battle. What’s with the dead babies storylines? Then she marries his bff Paul and they have a daughter Marie (Bruce’s mother).

Reginald has Henry Patman, which is Bruce’s father, who is engaged to Marie Vanderhorn but she finds out she has leaukemia and breaks it off with Henry because she is so selfless and wants him to live his life to the fullest! No regrets! So Henry goes off and canoodles with Alice at SVU and after she leaves him for Ned, Henry and Marie reunite and begat Bruce. Henry proclaims that the name Bruce sounds like “a strong , successful guy who knows what he wants.” a.k.a “date rapist”.

Meanwhile, this does not explain why Marie is a cold bitch towards Roger Barrett or why Henry wants to leave her. But it does answer a few of our burning questions. It does mention that Sweet Valley is outside LA and that SVU was once called Southern Calforinia University and is actually several miles outside Sweet Valley.

Sleepover Friends #6, Kate’s Camp-Out

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You know, sometimes it’s just really hard to be snarky, because the SFs books are sometimes quite endearing. This time Kate’s family takes the fab four to a lake cabin. Again, with the parents taking their kid’s friends with them. Did anyone ever get so lucky to mooch off their friend’s family vacations. What’s more is that Kate’s dad is all, why don’t you girls have the whole upstairs? The rest of the fam will sleep crammed together downstairs. Whatever.

So, they tell ghost stories, pull pranks on the neighbors kids, hold seances, and solve a crime. Yes, all in about 50 pages. The only thing snark-worthy about this one is after they all sit by the lake eating bagels and cream cheese for breakfast. Lauren suggests a hike and Stephanie gets up and says “I could stand to walk off this breakfast, before it collects on my hips”. Hon, you’re in fifth grade!

Also, the girls look different from cover to cover. And is that Steph with a BLUE nightgown?

The one that is a big commercial for a Ouiji Board or Super Thriller: Deadly Summer

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I have been reluctant to do a Super Thriller, because I remember them being tedious and quite frankly, not all that scary. I was RIGHT!

The timeline of this one is blowing my mind! So it’s summer, AGAIN. But Liz is dating Jeffrey, in the summer. But didn’t Todd move back to SV before the end of the school year? Was this before or after they spent the summer in Malibu? Or after the big bike trip? My head is exploding! Also, the twins are interning at the Sweet Valley News. Why would Jessica even want to do that? And wouldn’t she get fired during her first day? Also, what the hell really happens in Sweet Valley? But the office is always bustling like it’s the Daily Planet or something.

The first half of the book doesn’t have much thrill in it. Elizabeth chided Lila for believing in a Ouji board, and Lila was pissed and plans to get back at Liz for being a condescending asshole. You and me both, Li. She and Jess plan to trick Liz into making her scared of the Ouji board by haing it predict things that will actually happen. The big Endless Summer concert is postponed, and they lead her to believe that the Ouji predicted it. Then Jess reads one of Jeffreys letters to Liz and has it predict that. Soon Liz is believing it and getting freaked out and Lila is loving every moment of it. And so am I- Liz being made the fool is okay in my book.

They also trick Liz into believing that Bruce is dying of an unnamed illness, so of course Liz is going to jump in and comfort him and act like Mother Teresa because she can’t resist “saving” someone. Bruce finds out about Jessica and Lila’s plan, and totally hams it up to manipulate Liz into fooling around with him. He’s actually a little bit hilarious. Liz seems to forget the whole coma-forced-intercourse thing. Jeffrey finally arrives home and is super jealous that Bruce and Liz are spending time together. (Jeffrey had been working as a camp counselor in San Francisco. I think that means he was camping it up in San Francisco, if you know what I mean. Wink. ) The folks who wrote Almost Married should have read the other books first to realize that the Liz/Bruce romance thing had already been done.

Okay, we finally get the the Super Thriller part. Some guy is an escaped from a mental insitution. When he was in high school about 10 years ago, he was in love with a pretty cheerleader who snubbed him so he kidnapped her for a while.

If you do not see exactly where this is going, then you are a moron.

He is also planting fake bombs everywhere, sending SVH into a panic. Liz is also getting prank phone calls. Yawn.

Liz is also doing some baby sitting for Elsa Bennett. One night when she is there a strange guy stops by, looking for Elsa, claiming that he is an old friend, and that Liz “looks like someone he used to know”.

Oh, this is the best: it’s the middle of the summer, and the cheerleaders hold a pep rally at SVH to “get the school back in the team spirit”. Is this legal to have a school event during the summer? Can these people take a fucking break from SVH and get away?

Okay, I’ll admit that I totally skimmed the rest: This crazy guy, Donald, who is Elsa’s brother,takes Liz, Bruce, and Jeffrey hostage at the stadium and threatens to set off a bomb. Becauase Liz looks like the pretty girl that snubbed him. It’s just the curse of being beautiful! Bruce saves the day by grabbing the bomb and running off with it and it explodes. He emerges with like soot on him and a singed collar. It is like in the cartoons, where something explodes. Was the bomb made by ACME? Whatever.

Liz has been kidnapped/held hostage like eighteen times. How does she not have PTSD?

Super thriller my ass.

Grade: F