Monthly Archives: December 2007

Deep dish pizza with peppers, mushrooms and onions, or Taffy Sinclair and the Romance Machine Disaster

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I read the shit out of this one when I was younger. I don’t know what I enjoyed so much. Maybe it was the sexual tension between Jana and Randy Kirwan.

I couldn’t find a pic of the cover, which is too bad because Randy Kirwan looks great. He is wearing a members only jacket, rully tight jeans, and his hair is slicked back.

At the end of the last book, whichever it was, Randy asks Jana out on a date to hang out and get pizza after his football game. (The elementary school has a football team, I guess). Jana is of course super excited, proabably more so because of all the attention she is getting from the other kids more than going out with Randy. So they go out and the date is pretty cute I guess. They talk about stuff they like to do for fun and about school. Taffy is super jealous and glares at them the whole time. ‘Sokay, Taff, you’re better than that! Pay no mind to Jana!

So the next day at school, Wiggins (the teacher) announces that they are starting a unit on computers. Ah, the eighties! I remember when we did our unit on computers. I loaded a cassette for eight hours into the computer so I could get a green screen and write my name. Okay, so a major pet peeve of mine is misrepresenting computers and technology. Like in a movie where the screen flashes and has unrealistic commands. [See Mission Imposible  for the most egregious violation. Enter "jam security sytem" and then press "enter".] “For this experiment, you will each fill out a questionnaire about things you like and dislike. Then I will feed your answers into the big computer in the principal’s office . This afternoon, right after lunch, you will each get a personal reply from the computer. It will tell you which boy and which girl in this class you have the most in common with.”

First of all,

How is this allowed? A teacher pimping out their sixth-grade students to each other?

How in the hell will this work? The kids fill out essay questions and then they are simply fed into the computer? Is there handwriting recognition software? Don’t all the answers need to be coded? I can see if it was clearly scantron, but come on people.

How does this teach kids about computers? I smell a lawsuit from some kid’s parents who are matched up with creepy kids. Of course, you wouldn’t believe the shit schools did in the 80s. In first grade we had to dress up like pilgrims and Indians.

Meanwhile, Jana of course wants to match up with Randy, so she answers the questionnaire based on what Randy’s answers are. Nice. Give up your own interests and just pretend they are what the boy’s is.

Well, Wiggins, don’t say I didn’t warn you:

Most of the girls matched up with Randy, and he gets so embarassed he doesn’t want to say who his girl match it. Everyone gets mad at Jana because the boys follow his lead and won’t tell who their matches are. It’s kind of unfair, but is nice to see Jana get a kick in the ass. So Randy starts getting really conceited about all the attention and Jana gets mad at him for it. She even leads a semi-demonstration with the girls in the class where they stand in the playground and yell “BOYS ARE JERKS! GIRLS ON STRIKE!” Meaning, they go on strike from helping the boys out or lending them paper or pencils. Jana’s a regular Rosie the Riveter.

They go to another football game and Randy gets hurt and Jana gets all concerned and decides to forgive Randy. They sit together and then walk home together, and Randy reveals that he matched up with Jana (uh, obvs because Jana filled out the thing exactly how she thought she should answer) . And then he kisses her. On the lips! The end. Of course, any ending is wrapped up with a kiss, because that is the ultimate happy ending, right? Vomit.

Also, other stuff:

Melanie matched up with Taffy Sinclair for a friend. This is foreshadowing for when they become friends during their modeling class and Taffy teacher her to be bulimic. That one was awesome, I don’t have a copy of that one but I plan to.

Katie Shannon gets “Computer Error #14″ for her boy matchup. Apparently because she’s a feminist and all feminists either hate men or don’t deserve a man. Great.

To the football game, Taffy wears lavendar pants and white rabbit fur coat. Um, glamorous?

I think I knew why I loved this book so much. I wish that I was involved in high drama in elementary school. My life was just not exciting. I mean, I loved school and learning long division, but never this type of drama. Here’s something I can’t believe I am admitting. I used to write “fanfiction” about the popular kids in my class. Meaning, I’d write stories with me and them as the characters, as if we interacted. I recently found these in the attic of my parents’ house and thankfully burned them.

Suicide and kidnapping! by Ann M Martin!

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While Ann M. Martin created her own ghostwriter dynasty with the Baby-Sitters Club, I forget that she was actually a good writer, and wrote some more mature young adult fiction.

Missing Since Monday was intense. If I remember correctly, Maggie’s half-sister is kidnapped and her stepmother kind of blames her a little, but it turns out that she was taken by Maggie’s crazy and estranged mother. They find out because Maggie’s mother calls to ask to meet them, but the police have their phone tapped and follow Maggie when she goes to meet her. When I was a kid I had an irrational fear of being kidnapped. I guess I shouldn’t have flattered myself too much.

My mother brought Slam Book home from me because she assumed it would be like another BSC book. I remember reading this in the sixth grade and shit was it INTENSE. The gals start high school and start a slam book to gain popularity. One of them is a rich bitch, one has such a messed up home life so she is involved in every single school activity. They play a mean joke on the poor, overweight unpopular girl and she gets so upset she kills herself. And they kind of describe it in detail. It really shook me to the core. It is nice to know that Ann does understand that some teenagers go through some serious shit, and don’t just spend their time throwing beauty pageants for little kids in their neighborhoods.

If she wrote some adult books, I would totally read them.

Also, remember Ten Kids, No Pets? This was basically a stand-alone that read like a BSC book. The awesome part was that every chapter was told from the perspective of each of the ten kids. I remember this being great, but it could have been horrific.

I seem to have a touch of the multiple sclerosis, or Super Edition: Special Christmas

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Reeeeediculuuuuuusssss! But, this one reminded me of why I love SVH. As in, truly enjoy it for its own sake. The drama! The intrigue! The scheming!

First of all, I want you to know it took me a lot to do a “Christmas” book. I don’t celebrate it, detest the commercialization of it (I suggest you watch this movie) and am tiring of it being shoved down my throat every year. My current job is the first job I’ve had that has not forced me to take vacation days during the break. Anyway, this is not about me. On with the drahma.

It’s nearing winter vacation, and SVH classes are winding down. In fact, they cancel classes one day to have a Christmas party in the gym. Okay, maybe it is before schools realized the idea of inclusiveness (my elementary school classrooms always had Xmas trees) but canceling classes? They are also doing a secret Santa, and Jessica has her sights set on rubbing her loins on the new German exchange student, Hans. She is convinced that he has her as her SS. but actually he has Lila. Also, Lila and Jessica are competing for the title of Miss Christmastime, which a useless titles sponsored by the town. Probably the same town councilmember that proposes the Miss Teen Sweet Valley. Gross.

Oh, and the Xmas ball is being held at the Patmans. Is everyone invited? All 83 students?

The Wakefields set up their tree and Ned suggests blue and silver decorations. Maybe because he is secretly one of the chosen people? Do the twins even know they are a quarter Jewish? If they found out would the whole school be spreading rumors about it? Would Jessica be kicked off the squad?

Ok, onto the good stuff: the Wakefields find out that Suzanne Devlin is coming to visit again…her last visit was less than good for the frail egos of Sweet Valley. The Wakefield offspring are horrified and they pretend it is because Suzanne was so horrible last time. Really, Liz is mad because Suxanne made a fool of her, Jessica is pissed because someone will potentially out-sociopath her and take the attention away from her. Steven, I am not sure why he is mad. Maybe because Suzanne being around will cause him to spend more time at college, where I’d imagine his parents are paying through the roof for his housing which he is never at.

The Wakefield bunch scheme and scheme…Liz tries calling Suzy to convince her not to come. Jessica plans on…shortsheeting her bed. Steven just sits there and offers no helpful suggestions. Pretty much like always.

Meanwhile Todd is planning a visit home. He will be staying with Ken and the genetically-engineered Matthews family. Firstly, Liz doesn’t blonk an eye at this…considering SHE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH KEN RIGHT AFTER TODD MOVED. Oh, that’s right, they stuck that in after the fact. Liz is nervous about being alone with Todd.

Meanwhile, we get a lil bit from Todd’s perspective, including a flashback to when he was skiing in Killington, Vermont when he ran into Suzy. And one thing led to another and…they took a WALK TOGETHER! I know, totally scandalous. What a whore.

So we also get a brief POV from Alice when she picks up Suzy from the airport. I actually hate when the writers write from the adults’ perspectve. It’s insulting or something. Alice has decided to hide the fact that Suzanne has multiple sclerosis from the twins because Suzanne has asked her to. Of course, the parents in this worls are always at the mercy of the sixteen year olds that tell them what to do. Alice notices that Suzanne looks pale and weak, and that made her look “lovlier than the last time she saw her.” Note to teenage girls: get a serious illness.

Finally, Jessica cooks up a scheme with Aaron Dallas, whom Suzy screwed over last time. Jess makes Aaron invite Suz to a pre-party as his cousin’s house and tells her to meet him there. When, in fact, he will give her the address of a run-down warehouse or something. What? That is the worst they could come up with? Oh yea, this is coming from the twins who once in middle school decided to get back at someone by making them a faulty chair.

So the twins and Suzanne share some champagne before they head out [WAIT, THE TWINS ACTUALLY ARE DRINKING? And they do it like it is no biggie. I am actually kind of proud of them for acting like real teenagers.] Suzanne also takes her new meds and wonders briefly about the interactions. She calls her doctor in NYC to ask him but just leaves a message. Suz heads out in the Fiat and of course passes out while driving and the car flips over or something. She ends up in the hospital and the “look on Todd’s face” was all she needed to know about how he felt about Suzanne, and she is okay with that.

Also, Suzanne’s doctor from New York flies in to see Suzanne. Um, inappropriate much? He also comes to deliver the news that…oh my god, this is the worst plot twist…that she has mono, not MS. Can someone revoke his license immediately? “We’ve been racking our brains all day, and we finally figured out what happened. You see, you had an udetected virus and several months later began to experience a very rare complication from it.” I don’t have a medical degree, but isn’t there a very simple blood test to see if someone has mono? I only know because everytime my nose starts running I am convinced I have mono and demand that my doctor do the test.

So Todd and Suzanne have Liz’s blessing…yea right, like she’s give Todd up that easily.

Oh, and Winston is really Jessica’s secret santa. Yawn. Jessica switches Lila’s Miss Christmastime dress with an elf costume and hilarity ensues. Double yawn.

So many tidbits!

  • Dues for Pi Beta Alpha are seventeen dollars a semester, and Liz complains its too much. YOu know what Liz, then QUIT!
  • Olivia’s secret santa arranged for the swim team to come serenade her in the Dairi Burger wearing only speedos! Hotttt!
  • The Droids were performing at the Beach Disco, and they wrote a song for Todd’s homecoming for him and Liz called “I’ll Wait for You.” Why are the Wakefields in the center of the fucking universe?
  • Aaron Dallas: “Jessica, you should really go into politics. You’re really good at getting people on your side you know that?” Jessica: “What a wonderful way to put it.” Don’t encourage her!
  • When their parents tell the twins about Suzanne’s MS and how she could possibly end up in a wheelchair: “A wheelchair!” Elizabeth exclaimed. As hard as she tried , she couldn’t imagine pretty, vivacious, independent Suzanne trapped in a wheelchair. I know! It is such a tragedy when an attractive person has a disability!

My grade: A++++

p.s. I totally scored at a used book store and got one of the BSC Claifornia Diaries, a Friends Forever book, and other good stuff. Stay tuned.

another oldie but goodie

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Anyone remember this one? It was one of my favorites. I am trying to remember the plot from when I read this about 20 years ago. Two girls are paired together to do community service, and part of it is to read to children. They read a book about a dog giving birth, and I don’t even know what was scandalous about it, they didn’t show the dogs copulating or the actual birth canal or anything, but the teachers of the school were up in arms and it created a big controversy. The girls fought for the kid’s rights to hear the story and it was all mini-activism stuff.

Love is blind or #60, That Fatal Night

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Whoa boy. What an SVH. It’s like a combo of every other SVH story: an accident, a handicap, an unpretty brunette. First of, what the hell was fatal about the night? No one died. Someone was just blinded, temporarily. But I am giving it away.

Jimmy really likes this pose. See exhibits A and B. Can Ken make any other expression?

Amy Sutton is vile. She has her sights set on Ken Mathews and is all up in him during the big game and the after party at her house. Meanwhile, shy Terri has a thang for Ken. We know that Terri is a sad sack of shit because she’s brunette and not a Wakefield. Actually, she seems to have an okay life. She’s a statistician for the football team, and has a solid group of friends including Jennifer Mitchell and John Pfeiffer (okay, so this was BEFORE he was a rapist). But, of course she pines for Ken because of his DYNAMIC personality. So Amy’s party winds down around midnight (wtf? these kids are losers) and situations make it so Ken ends up giving Winston, Maria and Terri a ride home. Terri is in the car alone with Ken, and they say two sentences each and it’s the greatest moment of Terri’s life. Ter, you need to get out more. It’s also raining pretty hard, and Terri asks Ken to wait until the rain stops, but Ken decides to go. On the way he is hit by a drunk driver. (Was it Mr. Martin? He is the official town drunk.)

Who of course notices that Terri is pining during the party and takes it upon herself to go solve her problems for her? I don’t even need to tell you. In fact, Liz is LISTENING outside the bathroom door as Terri is crying.

Liz, Todd and Jess see the accident on their way home. Liz doesn’t seem all that upset considering she supposedly just ended her secret affair with Ken. Oh right, that was added in later, randomly.

He wakes up at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital and it turns out he is blind, His life is over! God forbid you have to live differently-abled! Unless you’re attractive, of course. Amy freaks out and doesn’t want to see him. Ken goes to rehab and its a very Regarding Henry moment. In a month he is perfectly capable of anything and is ready to head back to school. No disrespect, but it prolly takes more than a month…but of course Ken has a magical rehab therapist that changes his life.

Terri wants to visit him while he is in rehab, but can’t decide what to do, so she decides to call Liz Wakefield, who practically wets her pants with the idea of helping Terri. So they go visit Ken at rehab. Later, Terri and Ken hang out and Terri helps him with everything. It’s all At First Sight, except this makes that look Oscar-winning. Ken doesn’t allow himself to feel things for Terri because…I don’t know. It’s not explained. Maybe because Ken is a complex guy. Pshaaaahh right.

So Terri wants to “see” what it is like to be blind, so she blindfolds herself for an hour in her house and stumbles around like a fool. ARGH. I hate this idea that visually impaired people are completely helpless and stumble around. In my work I do workshops on ableism and someone always suggests that we do an exercise where someone blindfolds someone and takes them around for a day, and I LOATHE the idea. Like if you are differently able, you are hopeless and not self-sufficient. What did Terri learn from the exercise? Being blind is HARD. And she appreciated the sound of chirping birds in her backyard, which she took for granted. Terri’s not too bright.

Then she and Ken have a random fight because Terri grows a spine and says she can’t do everything for Ken and then they realize they love each other and Ken takes the bus all by himself to their favorite beach and we get the magical end kiss that always closes a SVH dilemma. Just like Lynne, her self-esteem is restored by that one kiss. Oh, also, Ken starts to see the sunrise which indicated he is getting his sight back. They also never say what causes the blindness. Brain damage? Is it possible to be blind temporarily?

The whole storyline totally reminded me of my favorite Little House episodes. ‘Member when Mary goes blind and she sulks around and her parents are fed up and ship her off to a blind school in the city, where she still acts bratty but with the love and help of Adam Kendall, she takes over and helps run the blind school? The one that catches of fire and kills her baby? And then they have to move the blind school to Walnut Grove and Mrs. Olsen comes with them through the wilderness, hijinks ensue, and she learns to not be a racist? Then Mary thinks she can see light and dark and she thinks she is getting her sight back but she doesn’t? Damn, what a good show.

Oh, back to the point. What is the moral of this one? If you are not blond and beautiful, the only way your love will be requited is if the guy goes blind. Nice.

Here’s my favorite quote: Jessica says, “”I hate to admit it, but seeing Ken around school with his white cane makes me feel kind of strange.” Elizabeth didn’t know how to respond to her sister’s comment. It wasn’t like Jessica to be so insensitive.” Hello ghostwriters! Do you even READ each other’s books?

Grade: B-

next up: the return of Suzy D.

Sweet Valley Chamber of Commerce: not just planning teen beauty pageants

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Loved the discussion on the careers in Sweet Valley, but how about the places/stores/restaurants in Sweet Valley? For a small town, it’s got some weird places. Here’s what I am thinking off the top of my head:

  • The Dairi Burger (doy)
  • Casey’s
  • The mall (includes Lisette’s)
  • The Beach Disco
  • Kelly’s bar
  • The Box Tree Cafe (this totally anoys me, they always go there on nice dates)
  • SV Country Club (the Patmans dwell there)
  • Ingenue Headquarters
  • The office building where Ned’s office is (where Roger Barrett used to scrub toilets)
  • Sweet Valley Beach
  • Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital (where everyone goes when they are in a coma)
  • Civic Center (where the dumb pageants and concerts are held)

Taffy Sinclair, Queen of the Soaps

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Jana’s bratty antics are getting really old. I can’t believe I didn’t see it the first time around. Taff gets a role on Interns and Lovers, a daytime soap, and Jana and the gang are so obviously jealous. She goes to NYC two days a week to film, and when she gets back she is tutored by Mr. Scott, the assistant principal.

Christie has a mad crush on Mr. Scott, so this sends her into a rage. I know she’s a kid, but does she actually think that something can actually happen between them? What an idiot. The gang convinces Jana to write a really mean expose in their sixth-grade newspaper. Somehow, no teacher looks at it before it is published, so everyone reads it and Taffy is so upset she doesn’t come to school for several days. Because Jana and her friends are wretched little witches.

Finally the girls think that Taffy is about the commit suicide. Jana asks Randy to go check on her and that makes Randy believe Jana is caring and he asks her out on a date. Which leads into the next book…

So the bulk of the book is Jana getting addicted to watching soap operas and starts imaging her life is one. It’s kind of funny, mostly to see how dumb Jana is. She convinces her self that she has a twin sister that is living with her Dad. She writes a letter to her father saying she is on her deathbed and he calls Jana’s mom and work and is all, wtf is with your daughter.

Taffy, hang in there. It gets better.

Patmans of Sweet Valley: cross-dressing, oil, and Wellesley

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I found a scan of the inside panel, and I don’t mean to be a perv, but I am interpreting a lot of it in a sexual way. The large picture in the middle is obvs Sophie and her “as you wish” stablehand Henry Patman. From where her eyes are and how he is standing, it looks like he is letting it hang out for her. On the left is our friend James Patman who discovers an oil well on his land, but UPC bar is strategically placed. Looks like he is taking a good pee after holding it in.

Previously on….

We pick up with John Patman, who after losing Katherine, is now a rodeo champion in Texas. He meets a “boy” who seems to win every competition, but turns out to be Samantha Parker, who competes in drag. Well, that could have been an interesting story about her life. They could have mentioned the oppression she received as a result of her gender variance, or the struggles she had. But nope, she takes one look at John Patman and lets down her flowing blond hair and shows off her slender waist and suddenly wants to marry him and fornicate like rabbits with and have lots of babies. Because who can resist a Patman?

Also, this section is written in what I think the ghostwriter thought of as “cowboy” language, and it’s really obnoxious. “She reckoned he was handsome, with his unruly black hair and intense eyes. But she wasn’t about to let him know that. Every cowboy she’d ever met already thought he was the biggest toad in the puddle. They were all conceited as blazes. And she’s be crazier than a peeled rattlesnake to get herself involved with any of them.” Oh, shut up.

Skip ahead a few years, John and Samantha are living out on open land and running out of food and crops. Randomly one day John strikes oil. They get super rich and pop out more children.

Their youngest son, William, is about to graduate from Harvard in 1924. he has a thing for Helena Howard who is a senior at Wellesley, but at first she rejects him because he is a “hick” from Texas and not someone a well-bred girl like her deserves. He’s also “nouveau-riche” because his family just got rich from the oil. Finally she “gives in” and starts to date her. Wow, these Patmans have a way with forcing women into things they don’t want to do, don’t they? He rides into the Wellsley dining hall on one of those old-fashioned bicycle with a marriage proposal for Helena.

Jeez, this one is dragging.

Careers in Sweet Valley

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Someone here or on another site Amber Tan brought up the ridiculous careers that people have in Sweet Valley, considering it’s a small town. Maybe they commute to LA? Anyway, considering it’s a small town, there is a large skew of obscure careers. What I can think of is:

-model (I think 25% of the women here modeled in a former life)
-interior designer (Alice is a successful one, so we are told)
-lawyer
-tv news anchor (Dyan Sutton)
-tv show host (the guy they meet in the hospital while candystriping)
-computer inventor (or whatever George Fowler is)
-socialite (Marie Patman)
-town drunk (Mr. Martin)
-model scout for Ingenue magazine
-teachers (duh)
-construction worker (Jack)
-domestics (Lila and Bruce’s “servants”)
-rock star

What else?

eating disorders, alcoholism and unemployment, oh my! or Sunset Island #6, Sunset Secrets

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These covers are really getting irritated. What is more irritating, Carrie’s jumper or the guy in the short shorts with the parrot? Can you imagine how obnoxious these photo shoots must be?

The gals gear up for another reunion, this time over their spring break. Except they all have secrets. I wonder if that is how they picked the title for this one:

  • Carrie has gained weight during her first year of college, due to stress and her relationship with old boyf Josh. So she becomes bulimic.
  • Emma hates Goucher and is all depressed about rich so becomes an alcoholic (mostly from expensive wine, natch)
  • Sam got fired from her job at Disneyworld and has been waitressing at a Denny’s like establishment and is too embarrassed to tell anyone.

They all plan on heading back to Sunset Island and Graham and Claudia allow the girls to throw a big bash at their mansion while they are not there. Have no idea why, considering Carrie keeps fucking up.
Emma’s daddy buys her a new car out of guilt so she and Sam drive up the Coast together to meet Carrie. They have many madcap adventures and stuff. Blah blah blah.

When they get to Sunset Island, Emma is all mooney with Kurt. Carrie sees Billy and he is dating another gal. This totally broke my thirteen-year-old heart when I read that.

Danny, Sam’s friend from Orlando, comes up with his friend, Kevin.They all have a wild time at the party and decide to go to the beach to watch the sunrise. They are all drunk so Kevin drives. There is a crazy accident and Kevin dies and they all sustain minor injuries, despite being thrown from the car. The fleeting and preciousness of life makes them feel SO ALIVE! They all come clean and admit their secrets to each other. Kevin is forgotten in about 5 pages.

Oh, and all their employers ask them to au pair again next summer. Don’t know why, because at one time or another they all fucked up pretty badly. I feel like this was written to be the last book, but then the series picks up and the second summer lasts about 20 years, and all crazy Sweet Valley High shit happens. In other words, awesome. Like I saud, this stuff needs to be read if you haven’t.

Jimmy’s art

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Reader James pointed out the link to James Mathewuse site, who did all the illustrated covers for the Sweet Valley High and Twins series.

Gotta say, he’s pretty talented for doing realist drawings. He managed to make the twins look like twins and kept the characters similar from cover to cover.

I love the above picture because he’s all, “I have an effing MFA and this is what my life has become?” Probably not, he’s made a good career out of cover art. It doesn’t answer the question if the portraits had human models…it must, right? You can’t pull human faces out of the air and paint them. And did he have some sort of consultant? Or did he come up with Liz’s matching barrettes on his own?

This inspired me to come up with a list of the many cliches of a SVH cover:

  • the lavalieres, of course
  • Liz’s barrettes
  • Jessica’s feathered bangs
  • Jessica in a string bikini
  • “Sears portrait” style (a couple “posing for the cover”)
  • Enid’s ‘fro
  • Liz’s pleated pants
  • Liz’s condescending look to the “minority” or helpless sack of shit that she will save in the book
  • High school guys looking at least 32
  • Liz or Jess’s “o” shaped mouth when they find something shocking or of it’s a super thriller

Another thing about the site- reading comic sans makes me want to go out on a murder spree. Also, that “Roommates” series that he did portraits for? Why haven’t I heard of those? They look pretty awesome.

Update: the SVH junior class has at least 83 students…pretty impressive.

The Wakefields end racism, or #94 Are We in Love?

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I should be careful what I wish for: I’ve complained that SVH does not even touch on issues of race in its WASPY world, and then we get one that touches on it directly and…I wish they just hadn’t even tried.

Some quick backstory: Cheryl Thomas’s Dad and Annie’s Whitman’s mom are getting married, and they just bought the house next to the Wakefields (also, their parents are living together BEFORE THEY ARE MARRIED!!! Oh my. And least someone’s having premarital sex in SV.) Cheryl and her dad moved from New York City. Oh, and also, she’s black. Because you may not infer this from the plot. She has recently become friends with Steven, who still insists on hanging out with high school kids.

Everyone acts overly friendly with Cheryl, I guess to assuage their guilt about their white privilege. And to prove that they are okay with black people. Also to say that some of their best friends are black, I guess. Steven is teaching Cheryl to drive, and one afternoon after a lesson they stop at a cafe and everyone is staring at them and some skinhead guys are giving them dirty looks. It’s pretty awful. They are both so upset that after they leave they take comfort in each other and make out. It was actually pretty horrifying, and it proves to me that SV is about as liberal as 1954 Alabama.

The next morning, both are kind of regretting making out, they are not sure if they really like each other or were in an emotional state. Meanwhile, rumors are all over everywhere that Steven and Cheryl are a couple. Like all the kids at SVH really give a shit about Steven, who doesn’t even go there. Wait, he’s a Wakefield, so every bowel movement is big news. Both Cheryl and Steven both know they are really not into each other, but keep going out to prove a point, and I think Steven feels guilty that he is thinking about Cheryl’s race and wants to convince himself it doesn’t matter to him. It makes him sound shitty, but for real it is actually nice to see an SVH character have an internal dialogue that is actually intriguing and realistic.

So, for the next 70 pages or so, Cheryl and Steven hang out and each want to tell each other they aren’t that into each other but are too afraid to do so or are conveniently interrupted. It goes on forever and it is ridiculous.

Steven doesn’t want to be alone with Cheryl so invites her out to the Beach Disco with his college friends (wait, he has college friends?) and she hits it off with some guy Martin Bell, who is also black. Cheryl plays it off like, I just happen to like him and he also happens to be black. Again, to me, this is totally skirting the issue. I really would have appreciated it more if Cheryl was thinking, “wow, I am a person of color in this incredibly white, ignorant and privileged place, and it is really nice to be with someone who can really understand where I am coming from.” But noooo, it has to totally ignore the issues that she is going through.

So Cheryl and Steven stay together to fight for the cause of interracial couples, as if they were the first ones in Sweet Valley. Hold up- are they really the first? What about Jade Wu and that David guy? Don’t Sandra and Manuel have a West Side Story thing going? So they are really viewing race as a black and white thing here. Argh.

Of course, our friendly residents are not as supportive as the perfect, liberal, and accepting Wakefields. Lila is kind of shitty about the whole thing, More that she is cynical about the whole thing and doesn’t think anyone will ever accept them, so why try? Oh Li, you are making it hard for me to like you. Bruce, surprise, is even worse. He runs into the twins at the mall getting supplies for the cake they are baking for the wedding and is all, “these black and white liaisons are quite the thing these days” and Cheryl and Steven are “making spectacles of themselves” and finally, “make sure the cake is half-chocolate”. Real cute, Bruce.

Finally, Cheryl talks to Mrs. Whitman and tells her she’s proud that she is marrying her father to fight a cause. Mrs. Whitman is all, wtf, that is not why I am getting married. Cheryl finally gets the balls to break up with Steven. And how does she do it? By the toast she gives her parents. She directs it at Steven. Because it’s always about a Wakefield, and no one else. Finally it ends with Cheryl setting up a date with Martin. Who, by the way, likes jazz music. Stereotype much?

I do like Cheryl, because she calls Jessica out on her shit. Jessica is being overly friendly to her, and Cheryl tells Steven it’s because Jessica is trying to prove that she is “okay” with them and not because she is sincere. See, I told you Cheryl was likeable!

Oh yea, secondary storyline: the twins bake the cake for the wedding after some mishaps. Jessica’s samples taste like ass and they make fun of her a lot. Last time someone made fun of Jessica’s cooking, she threw a shit fit and almost ran away to San Fran. Also, Sam, Tod, Liz and Jess hang around together a lot. I thought Todd hated Jess…and I couldn’t help thinking that Sam, you’re days are numbered (the next book is the infamous Jungle Prom.)

Som brief mentions of ugly outfits for the wedding: “Elizabeth had borrowed an outfit from Enid [bleccchhhh]- a pale yellow silk dress, and in her hair she wore a lace bow [she is dressed as me for my second grade school pictures]. Jessica, however, had splurged on a peacok-blue minidress with big black buttons all down the front.” Yarf.

Ugh, that just ended too easily! Suddenly Cheryl’s life is perfect, everyone accepts, blah blah blah. Also, this is infuriating: Cheryl decides how lucky she is to live in Sweet Valley because it is just so beautiful. Yes, I am SURE Cheryl wouldn’t rather have stayed in New York City, where there are actually more interesting people and she is not the only person of color and everyone is always gossiping about her business.

Well, it is good to see Annie’s mom settle down. Back in #10, we were given the impression she was a bit of a drunk and a tramp. Apparently she met Cheryl’s dad on assignment when she was doing a modeling shoot. The models per capita in Sweet Valley is pretty high, doncha think?

Argh! So frustrating! On the one hand, some ghostwriter tries to address issues of race, but then just when they touch on something that could be somewhat deep, it barely discusses the issues realistically. And everything ends well at the end of the book!!! It’s almost like it would have been better not to happen!!!

And how can I leave without making a comment on the cover? Cheryl looks 38. Steven ACTUALLY looks like a sixteen year old boy, although he is actually older. He looks dorkier than he did in earlier books. The whole Sears Portrait covers really bug me. Who are they posing for?

Grade: C

The Patmans of Sweet Valley: Nice shootin’, Tex!

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Previously on the Patman saga…

April 1886. Katherine Richmond is the granddaughter of Vanessa Saxton, who we last saw being randomly assaulted and taken in by men of London. She is also an actress and has just served as an understudy for the lead who had dyspepsia. That means heartburn, but they are trying to make it old-fashioned sounding. So, she gets asks to join the Royal Shakespeare Company who will be touring the US. They stop in Kansas City and Katherine is sweating and a strapping young lad offers her lemonade. And wouldncha know, it’s John Patman, the son of James Patman, our friendly slave-emancipator. And like in true Sweet Valley fashion, they are suddenly in love and want to make babies.

John comes to every one of her shows and sits in the front row. Creepy. Then he spends his earnings at the local saloon on an engagement ring which he plans to give Vanessa on her last night so that she will stay in Kansas City with him. He might as well pee in a circle around her. Right as he is closing up the saloon, two bandits come in and hold up the place. I think the ghostwriters did their historical research by watching Back to the Future III. So he never makes it to the play and Katherine heads off to New York, heartbroken. Somehow in New York, she learns about the hold up so she simply hops a train back to Kansas City to find John. She goes to his house where he finds his brother Brewster who is essentially, “John’s not here, but I’d hit that.” Katherine hops the train back to New York. Then she gets a telegram in New York that her parent’s theater burned down in London and her whole family was killed. What?? They really like to drop bombs in this one.

First of all, I love how Kathrine just hops a train back and forth from New York to Kansas City. Google maps tells me it’s 18 hours with modern cars, with trains it must take I don’t know, 2 weeks? Furthermore, the men in the Patman line get to do heroic shit like help slaves to freedom, and the women are all about lost loves. I know the times weren’t exactly ripe for women’s lib, but come on here.

Next up: John Patman joins the Rodeo. Think Gyllenhaal in Brokeback. Hawt.

This is surreal. It’s like I am relieving the early 90s. I am writing this as I am watching the My So-Called Life dvd box set that I just got. Angela went to the Buffalo Tom concert hoping to hang with Jordan but he totally snubs her. “By the way, I spell my name with one L!” Go girl.

Speaking of historical fiction, I thought I’d recommend the House of Elliot series. It is awesome. Two sisters start a fashion design house in 1920s London, and all sorts of dramatic Sweet Valley High-esque drama happens. Someone tries to sabotage the company, there are all sorts of romantic drama, etc. And amazing clothes, obvs.

updates

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Another bout of insomnia has made me attempt to list as many students at SVH as I can think of (and looking at my collection to remind me). I used to think that the world revolved around the twins and their friends, but with a junior class of about 50 students, that could be a realistic number for a high school in a small town, I guess. Although, some we hear of for a book and they magically disappear. Others are mentioned in a book in one line. But that counts! And all this talk of Jessica dating around- not much to choose from.

I randomly found a blog of someone who is writing a parody SVH novel. It’s pretty hilarious. I know that there is tons of fanfic out there, but that is a can of worms I don’t want to open.

Also, you can read some full BSC books here. Yippee!!