Monthly Archives: November 2007

Overeaters Nonanonymous, or Sleepover Friends #3, Kate’s Surprise

Posted on by
20

I would describe this one as CLASSIC Sleepover Friends. As in, has all the hallmarks of the series. Unhealthy amounts of food, sneaking out, parents enabling behavior, fights, parties, shopping, outfits…wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The gals are making avocado face masks, and of course, Lauren wants to eat all of it. They also sneak back to Lauren’s house to watch her brother’s girlfriends’ surprise party. But Bullwinkle, Lauren’s scary Newfoundland dog, sees them and pins them and licks the masks off their faces. That dog scares the crap out of me. Of course, they get locked out of the house and they have to wake up Kate’s parents to let them back in. And of course, the parents don’t seem too mad. Why do they put up with the antics? These girls are not exactly evil, but they do wreak havoc when they have their sleepovers.

Meanwhile, the three are planning a surprise party for Kate, so they have to sneak around and get her present. Kate wants to go to the mall on Saturday morning but the other three were planning on going to get her gift. Steph lies and says she is getting her haircut. Well, the other three go anyway and Kate sees them there Steph has to keep her promise and get her hair cut! The horror! But, she ends up liking it because she thinks it makes her face look thinner. Oy, you’re ten, Steph.

The girls want to buy Kate a Calico kitten from a pet store, but it is expensive (so go to a shelter and get one…this annoyed me) so they get odd jobs to raise the money. Kate sees them hanging around together and gets more and more angry. Sally Mason has a party with seventh graders (WOW!) and they all go, but Kate ignores them and hangs out with the bitchy Jenny Carlin. In fact, the SFs planned on wearing “pants rolled up, two shirts (?) and colored sneaks.” Kate however, hangs with her new friends and wears “colored leggings and dangling earrings”. Um, that’s kind of how I dress everyday.

The kitten was sold so Lauren’s mom adopts a whole boxful of kittens. Because it’s all about their parents catering to every whim and then some. They use their hard-earned money to get Kate a singing telegram, a heart shaped pizza, and an ice cream cake. All is well and they sleep over Kate’s house the night after they had their sleepover. How is this healthy for children to stay up all night two nights in a row?

I saved the best part for last- the disgusting amounts of food that they consume. It’s really ridiculous and I never realized it the first time around. So, at the first sleepover of the book, they have marshmallow fudge, Lauren’s bacon and sour cream dip, a basket of BBQ chips, and an extra-large bottle of diet pepper. Haven’t these girls ever heard of popcorn? Or veggie sticks? After Kate gets mad at them, they do some comfort eating: two big bowls of Caramel popcorn, Dr. Pepper ice cream floats, plates (plural!) of nachos made with corn chips and nacho cheese, and a plate of chocolate chip cookies. For three girls! And then the next day, they all eat the pizza and entire ice cream cake! I especially love consuming food, but I got nauseous reading this. I am not saying that they should all be on diets, but all this sugar and fat plus the lack of sleep every weekend can’t be good for growing children. Again, can the parents step in and monitor this? Probably not. They are too busy building houses in their backyard for their eleven year old daughters.

Edit: I had a conversation about this post with someone, and I just wanted to add that I am criticizing their food consumption from a health and reality perspective. When I hear about eight year olds on diets, I want to rip my hair out. But when these girls do this, it will set them up with a really unhealthy relationship with food.  And they always seem to eat until they feel sick. Wtf is that about? Clearly, as if you couldn’t tell already, I am far from a Wakefield figure. Actually, I am the same size as the Wakefields, maybe both of them together.

I also foget to comment on the cover! Ummmmm, Lauren and Patti look 18. We finally see the infamous Roger, who looks younger than the gals. He’s the one inside holding the cake. I’m not impressed.

The Patmans of Sweet Valley: a plantation in Georgia

Posted on by
43

Previously on…

Ok, so when I realized that the next segment would take place on a plantation during the civil war. I got super excited because I thought that the Patmans would be totally ignorant and the ghostwriter would be incredibly racist. Excited of course, because I love nothing more than hating on them.

You know what? It wasn’t bad. This is actually some of the better writing I’ve read. They must have gotten a special ghostwriter for this one. And they actually did their research and included some historical info. Anyhoo, James and Sanford are the sons of Henry Patman, who, as you know, was banished from England after he tried to elope with Sophie Edmunson. He later inherited a plantation and made a fortune off of it. It’s called “Enchanted Meadows”. Bwah! And, apparently, also became a crusty racist slaveowner. Their plantation has over 250 “Negroes” and the threat of the impending war will have an affect on that. James disagrees and challenges his father and asks about the rights of the slaves, and they debate about the rights of landowners and draw parallels to the rights of the colonies under British tyranny. I’m telling you, it’s deep. Jame’s father in law responds: “It’s admirable that you have this humanitarian instincts for these poor, inferior creatures. But all this talk about education and freedom from them…next you’ll be supporting rights for ladies, like those ill-bred, bloomer-wearing Yankee women!” Noyce.

James decides he’s going to side with the North and leaves his family. Three months later, he is smuggling slaves from safe house to safe house with the Underground Railroad. He takes notice of Hope, one of the slaves that has taken the lead in helping. “Her face and hair were so dark he couldn’t see her until he was a few feet away.” WE GET IT! She’s black. It mentions how beautiful she is, and I am surprised they didn’t mention that her “dirty rags emphasized her slender waist.” Seriously.

They deliver the runaway slaves to a farmer’s house and Hope goes with him to rescue more slaves. Then boom, it says they are married and Hope’s preggers. And we missed that part of the book? That would be the interesting part. Later on, he leaves Hope at the Darby’s farm with some other runaway slaves to go and help others escape, and when he comes back he finds that the Darbys have been hung in their field, and Hope has been shot and killed inside the house. WHAT? That is some intense shit, even in an SVH book.

Wait, it gets worse! After the war is over, James heads back to Enchanted Meadows. All his family has died, his brother died in battle, and the place is in ruins. He leaves and says he is “heading west.” Oooooo, I am hoping for a story about the Great Land Race, a la Far and Away.

What does this tell us about Bruce? Ummmmmmm…that even though he and his family employ lots of servants in demeaning roles, he has a special place in his heart for them?

This has totally given me the urge to read some good historical fiction. Anybody have any recs? I don’t want mass-market-supermarket paperbacks, but it doesn’t have to be intense. I’ve read the Red Tent and basically all of Phillipa Gregory’s novels….

The Patmans of Sweet Valley: All the world’s a stage

Posted on by
17

Previously on our epic Patman saga…

So Emma Elliott, in 1846, who is Sophie’s daughter, who is now sixteen, wants to be an actress after seeing one play. Her father does not approve but her mother gives her a wad of money and tells her to follow her dream to London. She says that it is because she has too many regrets in life and tells her daughter about almost eloping with Henry Patman.

So Emma changes her name to Vanessa Saxton and tries to get jobs with theater companies in the “big city”. To show she is a naive, stupid woman, and to illustrate to all of us that women who venture out on their own deserve what they get, she goes to an audition “after hours” at a theater company and the guy tries to full on rape her. She runs out the street and uh oh, is basically raped by two thugs on the street. Seriously, women should know better! They need to stay in their place!

Some nice “bobby” rescues her and takes her in the live with him and his family. He is an Irish man named Patrick O’Sullivan, and he embodies every stereotype of an Irishman. I’m surprised they don’t have him walking around with a freaking cauldron of gold coins and a little green hat. And also, let’s talk about the improbabilityof that happening- I hate when that is used as a plot device. In reality, when does anyone just take someone in and care for them? It just happened in Enchanted, it happened in Showgirls, and in countless other movies I can’t think of at the moment. Bobby Patrick is of course in love with Vanessa and she agrees to marry him because hey, he’s there and has a pulse. A little while later she meets Grady Phillips who runs a theater company and after a three-second interaction invites her to join his company and tour the world. They end up falling in love later and getting married. Patrick O’who?

This segment was boring and pointless, and annoyed me because Vanessa’s success was due to incredibly lucky situations and others swooping in and rescuing her, and nothing she does for herself.

What does this tell us about Bruce Patman? He was a flair for the drama? I don’t know.

After this it gets really good, I promise. We get into civil war politics and the underground railroad. For reals.

For all Jane Austen fans

Posted on by
37

I thought I’d share this quiz. I for reals answered the questions truthfully and this is what I got. I think it is because I’ve been reading so many SVH books lately.

Which Pride and Prejudice Girl Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Mrs. BennetI am Mrs. Bennet. I love attention. I am not sensitive to the feelings of others. I am very greedy. I hold grudges, but can be won over with money or gifts. I exaggerate and love to complain, especially about “my nerves,” in order to manipulate other people.

Mary
80%
Mrs. Bennet
80%
Elizabeth
60%
Charlotte
55%
Jane
45%
Lydia
40%
Kitty
25%

Pen Pals #2: Too Cute for Words

Posted on by
10

I hope you can see this cover clearly. The girls are looking at a blow up poster of Simmie Randolph the Third, that he sent to Amy. Conceited much? If you look closely, his pose looks very similar to another iconic teen idol image.

Same pose! I don’t know why the hell I knew this. Prob because I was obsessed with Cocktail because when it came out I wasn’t allowed to see it but I saw it at a friends house anyway, and we tried to toss around paper cups.  Also, Simmie is a dick. Who sends a poster of themselves? That is such a Bruce Patman thing to do.

So Palmer see the poster and falls in LUV. She is so jealous that Amy has Simmie as a pen pal and is really bored with her current Pen Pal, John Adams, not because he shares a name with a president, but because he writes her emo poetry.

Palmer is also hanging out with a rich, snobby older girl named Germaine. (And I totally kept thinking of Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords, which would have totally made the story way more awesome.) Germaine convinces Palmer to go behind Amy’s back and steal Simmie. Palmer steals the questionnaires they had the boys fill out so she can learn Simmie’s interests. It includes:

If you were a car, what would you be? Red Jaguar, which I am getting in two years
If you were a book, what book would you be? Don’t know
Please write down your favorite subjects in school. None
Favorite food? Lobster, steak, chocolate cake
Please write down an interesting dream: I am riding my red jaguar, which I will soon own at age 16 as it has been promised to me by my father. And I am coming to a cliff. But wings grow from the tires and I start to fly.

What a peach, huh? Sounds like a future heartless frat boy. I am not sure if this was included to use this as the epitome of me of the “perfect guy” or maybe to show what a shallow alpha male he is. Sometimes I hope that the writers have some conscious and try to send good messages. But maybe I ask too much. Palmer starts sending him secret admirer letters.

Meanwhile there is a winter carnival coming up and they all invite the boys to compete with them in their favorite sport. Lisa and Rob get into a dumb fight about the abominable snowman or something. Amy is writing a song for the talent show. Palmer writes a letter to Simmie telling him to meet her in her yellow ski suit. John writes a poem and sends it to Palmer and Amy sees it and they start to collaborate on a song. Palmer encourages it because it makes her feel less guilty for stealing Amy’s pen pal. Palmer does not write to John inviting him, and he writes to ask her why, and she writes him the meanest letter evs that she is going but don’t bother looking for her. Ouch!

Meanwhile, there is a brand new “technology” that the newspaper uses to communicate with the journalism club. It’s basically instant messenger and they sneak in late at night to talk to John Adams who finally fills them in on the dirt- Simmie is all about this secret admirer and thinks Amy is telling everyone that she is his girlfriend and getting him mad.

The gals find out what Palmer has been doing and she goes out to ice skate with Amy to apologize and she falls and hurts her ankle, so she can’t go to the carnival. Bwah! Germaine ends up showing up in the yellow ski suit and tries to steal Simmie. Why is everyone all up on Simmie?

So, they all decide to forgive Palmer, although this is like the thirtieth shitty thing she does to them. I have no idea why. So, John and Amy meet and they are kind of vibing off each other. So Amy decides that switching pen pals may be a good idea. Meaning she just bends over and takes it from Palmer. They bring Palmer out to meet Simmie and all is well. Rob and Lisa make up and Mars and Shanon say dorky things to each other. The end.

Why do they put up with Palmer’s shit????

The Patmans of Sweet Valley: An English country estate

Posted on by
19

Have you been up at night wondering about the accomplishments of an incredibly privileged and hateful family?

Look no further. We get to meet the people that have built the Patman social strata. This one is a magna edition, which means it is over two hundred pages. I am going to split it up because the drama is so overwhelming!

So we start in an English country estate. Sophie is the daughter of the Duke. She is going swimming in her underwear. TROLLOP!! JEZEBEL!!! I am not even sure what trollop means.

So while she is swimming around, reflecting on her privileged life, a guy pops out of the trees. They have a convo that I am gonna summarize for you:

Sophie: hey, who are you?
Henry: Oh, I was just perving at you behind this tree. You look like a mermaid.
Sophie: well maybe I am
Henry: well I can see your shoes and stockings over there so you’re prolly not
Sophie: yea prolly lol
Henry: I’m Henry Patman
Sophie: I’m Sophie Edmonson
Henry: oh you’re the duke’s daughter, cool
Sophie: yea
Henry: ok gotta go, ttyl
Sophie: k bye

And from that stimulating conversation, Sophie decides she’s in love. They really really throw the word love around too much in these books. Sure, lust at first sight, but come on. I’ve had more thrilling conversations with my dentist.

The next day, the fam learns they are getting a new stable boy. Sophie’s sister Mel is swooning over him. Turns out it’s Henry Patman. Fast forward a few months, and Soph and henry are having a torrid, secret affair. When her father announces her marriage to Lord Elliott. So she and Henry decide to elope. Melanie is still jealous, reads Soph’s diary and tells on her. Lord Edmonson stops Sophie and threatens Henry and he leaves, and apparently is deported to America. Sophie ends up marrying Lord Elliott.

Then Henry Patman is in New York City, living on the streets among beggars, thieves and gangs. And it’s totally all Gangs of New York-y (awesome and underrated movie, btw). He vows to make something of himself and maybe one day finding Sophie again. He gets really good at gambling, and ends up winning a whole plantation. So he heads off the be a slave master. Great.

Whoever wrote this tried to write it in Jane Austen-esque language, and it is really embarrassing.

What does this tell us about Bruce Patman?
That his desire to see women naked in water is genetic. Now we know why he untied Jessica’s bikini top. It wasn’t his fault! It was a biological imperative!

We hear a thousand tiny violins playing for Jessica’s problems, or #21, Runaway

Posted on by
24

I feel like this storyline is repeated about a thousand times. The best part of the book is the cover.

Jessica actually looks really pretty! And now I see where American Apparel gets its ideas from!




For a mere $78, you can have this ‘Runaway Jessica” ensemble.

Poooor Jessica. No one cares about her. Her parents love Liz more. Whenever Liz says something they take her seriously. Well, Jessica, maybe if you stopped acting like a psychopath slut and manipulating everyone around you for five minutes, maybe they would take you seriously too.

Ok, there is also some big case that Ned is working on involving Ricky Capoldo, and quite frankly, I barely paid attention. There is some custody battle going on. You would think Ned took an oath to keep the details private, but he blabs it to his family. Liz is all, oooooo!!! a chance to meddle in people’s lives. And somehow she is writing about it for the Sweet Valley News. It must be a slow news day. Also, wouldn’t Ricky NOT want this broadcast everywhere? Jess is all grumpy because Ned asked Liz to go and not Jess.

BUT this is amazing, groundbreaking. Ned shows some decent parenting and actually calls Jessica out on her bullshit and gets snippy with Liz when she asks her dad to go up and talk to Jessica. Essentially, telling her father how to parent.

“Look Liz”, Ned Wakefield interrupted. “I know you have Jessica’s best interests at heart, but I don’t think your mother and I should have to bend to her every whim. First of all, you two are very different, and I just don’t think this is the kind of thing Jessica would be interested in.”

“But Dad, maybe if you just talked to her-”

Her father cut her off again. “No, Liz. We’ve always tried to raise you as individuals. Jessica can make up her own mind, and you have to start realizing that. There are lots of times when we do things for Jessica that don’t suit you. If Jess wants to come along, fine, but I’m not going to beg her.”

Hallelujah! So basically the trial happens and it’a all about family values, blah blah blah. Liz talks to Ricky and gives him saintly advice about his family and all is solved blah. Sorry I kinda skimmed that part.

Meanwhile, Jessica is all poor me and distances herself with her friends. She notices Nicky Shepard, who we never heard of before this and of course he notices Jessica. Nicky has a shitty homelife and is planning on running away to San Francisco. I thought that in the eighties, you ran away to San Fran to come out. Jess plans on joining him. Boo fucking hoo.

Jessica write a letter to Elizabeth for the purpose of her finding it and coming to beg her to come home. It’s pretty dumb, but the p.s. is priceless: “p.s., you can have my jeans because they make me look fat”. Jess continues to take the bus and gets more and more upset that her family doesn’t come to stop her. Turns out the letter fell behind the dresser.

She actually gets on the bus to San Fran and no one chases after her HAHAHAHA! Plus she’s stuck talking to an elderly woman. Because no one ever grows old and gross in Sweet Valley. Finally the family finds out and they go apeshit looking for her. Steven and Liz find her at the next bus station and BEG her to come home. Why did they give in to her manipulation and continue to kiss her ass? if I were them I’d be pissed at what a brat she’s been.

After she gets home, the Wakefields have a long talk. That’s exactly what the book says. They don’t even tell us what the talk was about– which is kind of important. Did they apologize profusely to Jess? or did they tell her to stop acting like a brat?

Meanwhile she stops giving a shit about Nicky Shepard, and he is never mentioned, he is probably living on the streets of San Fran now. That would be an awesome spin off.

Grade: C+

I want to lose my virginity to Johnny Angel or Sunset Island #5, Sunset Reunion

Posted on by
7

These covers always crack my shit up. So way over the top. Billy looks like a massive tool. Or is that supposed to be Presley? It’s such a 90s view of a rocker. He’s wearing a hat because it’s the winter break and the gals are planning to get together in Orlando because Sam is working as a dancer at Disney World. She dropped out of Kansas State and started working there. Reading this gave me the dry heaves because I, too, worked at Disney World when I was around Sam’s age and it was probably the most horrible experience of my life. So please don’t ask me about it.

No sooner are they there when Carrie gets a call from Rock On magazine. Graham Templeton (the famous rock star she was the au pair for) is doing a concert in Miami and they are doing a feature on him, and Graham recommended that Carrie be the photographer. So they all jet out there on a whim and hang around at the concert. Mega-hot singer Johnny Angel is the opening act, and of course he is curious if Sam’s curtains match the drapes.

Graham is also back on drugs, snorting lines in the bathroom between interviews and the mag wants to print that he fell off the wagon, but Carrie wants to protect him so she gets fired from the gig and who do they hire- none other than the creepy Flash Hathaway! He’s the one that took the porno pics of Sam over the summer. Like there are only 2 photogs in the world. Lorell, their enemy from the island, is with him and they are an item. Ick.

Ok, then it totally goes downhill and turns into a ridiculous SVH novel. They all go to a party on Graham’s yacht, and Emma flirts with a boy and realizes she misses Kurt. Flash flirts with Emma and Lorell gets jealous and proclaims her undying love for Flash. Sam goes down to the bunker with Johnny Angel and they almost do it when Johnny’s girlfriend walks in. Sam is upset because she thought Johnny was her soulmate so she goes and hides on the dingy. Carrie and Sam go to comfort her. While they are talking, Lorell in unhinges it and they are lost at sea. How many SVH plots can you count here?

So they are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on a dingy, and Emma totally saves the day because obviously her rich white ass has been sailing/boating before. They are obvs rescued, and Emma realized that she CAN set her mind to anything, and is encouraged to fill out her Peace Corps application.

Check out their outfits for their night on the town in Orlando. Emma wears a short pink dress with black bike shorts with lacy trim underneath, Sam wears a short denim skirt with a tapestry vest (remember those?) with no shirt underneath, and Carrie wears a white sheer bathing suit cover up over a white lycra miniskirt and a white sports bra. [Shudder]

These books were never really real, but when you start throwing in rock stars and stranded at sea crap, it makes me hate it.

Pen Pals: Boys Wanted!

Posted on by
37

I used to have such a fetish for boarding schools. I always wished I could attend one but as a preteen I was too scared to leave home. (And after reading Prep, I am glad I did not go.) Who am I kidding? I still am kind of obsessed with boarding schools. Despite the issues of privilege and access and class. After I graduated college, I worked and taught at Phillips Academy Andover and it was so fricking awesome. I’m forgetting that it was the same place that begat our president. Anyway, you can then imagine how much I lurrrvvvved this series. Reading it again totally gave me the warm squishies and longing for boarding school.

Well, let’s get the background stuff settled. There are 4 girls in their first year of school at the Alma Stephens School for Girls in New Hampshire. They are:

  • Shanon Davis” One “n”. That always annoyed me. She’s the token scholarship girl and kind of the killjoy.
  • Lisa McGreevy- the token I don’t know what. Ordinary girl?
  • Amy Ho: the token student of color- Chinese-American and from NYC. Is funky and plays the guitar. Plays the “funky Asian” first originated by Claudia Kishi.
  • Palmer Durand: from Palm Beach, FL. What is with the name? It’s like if my parents were to name me Long Islander. Think Jessica Wakefield and Lila Fowler combined into one character.

Shanon really wants to write for the school paper. So the older editor makes her a gofer. As in, makes her sweep the floor and get coffee. And she does it. Amy tried out for chorus but gets kicked out because she can’t read music. Palmer basically hates everyone and is judgemental and bitchy. They all kvetch about being at an all-girls school and they come up with the idea of advetising for boy pen pals at Ardsley Academy, an all-boys boarding school conveniently located nearby.

Writing to boys cute idea, of course shows the age of it, because if this happened now they would be posting naked pics of themselves on myspace and meeting up in TGIF restrooms to do it. They send out an ad, calling themselves the Foxes of the Third Dimension and finally get a suite over at Ardsley who call themselves the Unknown.

They almost get in trouble with the headmistress, Miss Pryn , thinks it’s an underground sorority prank. I feel like every headmistress character is named Miss Pryn. Finally she says something like, there’s nothing wrong with some old-fashioned letter-writing. Amen!

When I first remembered these, I expected them to be kind of shallow because it revolves round boys, and yes it does, but I think the message is way better. Obviously, they are getting to know the boys and lerning about ech other’s interests and insides (not like that, you perv). The boys seem pretty cute, and seriously very mature for thirteen year olds.

ALTHOUGH reading the letters they send back and forth made me physically cringe. Well, they ARE only thirteen. John writes really bad poetry and Palmer is really mean to him. He’s a redhead with big muscles (oooooh, me likey the redheads). I pictured him as Prince Harry. Minus the nazi costume. Rob Williams is Lisa’s pen pal, and apparently he’s the athletic type. Shanon has some guy named Mars who is basically a tool. Amy gets the infamous Simmie Randolph the Third. Think Bruce Patman. But dumber.

Shanon in her letter to Mars:

P.S. If I were a flower I’d be a petunia, and if I were a piece of music I’d be “The Star-Spangled Banner”. Isn’t that a riot?

No, Shanon, it’s really not.

John sends Palmer this poem:

This arch age
Over the mushroom sky
Roars with muzzled discontent
Tricked by rates of percentage
Until we are mortgaged
Ragged souls, sons of
Energy Wasted, spilled in the
Deep Ocean, but not deep enough

And it’s an acristic for TORTURED. Someone refer this boy to the counseling center.

They all decide to send pics so they take polaroids, but Shaonon has a zit so at the last minute she sends a pic of her older sister instead. Shanon’s insecurity and low self-esteem gets old really quick. So when they realize they are having a Halloween mixer, she gets nervous and decides to dress as an astronaut she Mars can’t see her face. When they meet up he thinks Shanon is playing a joke on him, so Shanon cried and mopes some more. Whatevs.

Well, finally they make up and decide to write more. This is the start of a beautiful friendship! Until Palmer screws them over about a billion times.

Ah, now the cover. I worked hard to find a pic that had detail, because the clothing is AWESOME. Sorry, that was the best one I could find.

Firstly Palmer: what is with the look on her face? Is she weating a SILK CAPE? Next, Amy Ho, who idolized Joan Jett. Noyce leggings. Shanon has on those brown leather lace-up boots that were ALL THE RAGE I had a pair, I thought I was awesome. They are kind of hard to exlain, they were like army boots but feminine. Ok, and Lisa has a shirt with her name on it. Wha? I had one with my name in puffy paint, but I was eight. I made it at a spin-art brthday party. Plus her shoes- I SWEAR THEY ARE PUNKY BREWSTER SHOES! I had a pair. Anyone else?

They also wear a bike pants. A. Lot. At school they need to wear conservative skirts and blouses, but in their dorm they can just go crazy!

The bike pants Lisa had chosen for herself were hot pink; her bright orange turtleneck sweater decorated with hot-pink sequins was set off by a long purple muffler wrapped several times around her neck; her dark hair was swept up on one side with a pink plastic comb. Amy had traded in her clunky shoes for some black cowboy boots with gold tips; she was wearing a black body suit and a Grateful Dead t-shirt. Palmer was dressed like a naturalist in a tweed pants suit, wide-brimmed hat, rubber-soled oxfords.

Lisa is auditioning for the Ice Capades. And Palmer is 62 years old.

I am kind of jealous. A part of me wishes I went to Alma Stephens.

some thoughts

Posted on by
21

Hi all, I am taking a quick break to get a bit mushy and sincere- I know, I know – to say a big thanks to all my readers. Some of you who read this lil ol’ blog were nice enough to write about it on other blogs, and I have gotten a great number of new readers and really awesome email from all of you. Thanks especially to those who posted this in the Seattle Times and in Feministing.

This started as a little project for me when I was having bouts of insomnia and now I feel fantastic knowing that I have exposed a shared experience for lots of women out there and helping you all remember your awesome tween years. And by awesome I mean horrible.

Just to note I just started watching the first season of Heroes and I love how Ali Larter’s “evil” personality is named Jessica. She kind of looks and acts how I would imagine Jessica would.

Also, because she was copied in an email where I was mentioning this blog, my mother now reads this blog too!!! Omg!!! She told me that she feels really bad for buying me all these SVH books when I was younger and she had no idea that they were sending such bad messages…don’t feel bad mom. You can make it up to me by paying my therapy bill. Hardy har!

Finally, just a quick plug for someone who made some awesome icons over at 1bruce1. These are fantastic! Sign up for a wordpress account so you can use one.

Ok, back to the snark. I’m pretty stoked because I did a bit of an ebay spree and got some Secret Diary books. Holy shit! It’s out of control. Liz and Jess have basically cheated on each other with every boyfriend. It’s out of control.

Jessica fights for gender equity, or #86, Jessica Against Bruce

Posted on by
32

I truly believe that there was a meeting room where all the ghostwriters came together to throw ideas around. One late night, when they were all depressed and realizing that this was the only job their English lit degree from Harvard would get them, they started playing a drinking game. They had to go around the table and think of the most absurd storyline ever. On a dare, once of them submitted a manuscript and bam, it later lined the shelves of B. Dalton as glorius #86.

Bruce is super-bored and complains that there is nothing to do in Sweet Valley. And by that he means there are no more girls to forcibly dry hump or formerly poor cousins to demean. The Scooby gang goads him into actually doing something to make SV more interesting….

….meanwhile, the whole school has an assembly. Probably because one of the Wakefields deficated in the shape of an angel and they want to show it to everyone. Nope, it’s because the “International Federation of Teachers” is sending a delegation to the school for the next three days, to observe their school. They are going to choose a host committee and Elizabeth practically pees her pants with desire to be on the committee. Why are teachers traveling from all over the world to observe them? Do you think this is anyway connected to the superindendent’s super secret rendevouz with Soviet educators?

Meanwhile, Jessica is mooning over the fact that her boyf Sam is away for a bit. Apprently he is at a month-long class for high school seniors interested in environmental science, somewhere in Colorado. So he missed a month of regular school? How is that allowed? Why am I questioning? Better get used to missing him, Jess. In a few books we all know that Liz is gonna off him. Anyhoo…

Bruce shows up in school the next day with a leather jacket with an X on the back. How did he get those made so quick? Ronnie Edwards (‘member him? He used to date Enid a while back. Now THAT was a crazy thing to do.) is also in it. Everyone confronts them at lunchtime and Bruce declares it’s a club for REAL men. Jessica implies that that means they play GI Joes in the backyard. Heh, that was actually funny, Jess.

Jessica asks why girls can’t join, and what begins is the beginning of a perfect setup if this was to somehow be made into a movie musical, and I am crossing my fingers like crazy that it does. Maybe Bruce and Jess can break out into some verses of that Broadway ditty “Anything you can do, I can do better” . It’s all girls suck, blah blah. Bruce is quite the misogynist. Finally, Bruce DARES Jess to join and see if she can handle it. Jessica, drunk of the attention this is getting her, agrees. She is such a pioneer for the women’s movement, that Jess!

So it turns out the club is based on dares and someone thinks of a dare, and they spin a wheel to see who does it, and if they don’t do the dare, they get another spoke on the wheel and increase their chances. I am going to ruin the plot now and tell you that Bruce rigs the wheel so it always lands on Jess. Jessica’s first dare is to drive to the bottom of Bruce’s driveway with no headlights on. Snore. The club seems to be a wayward home for minor characters. some football player named Tad and some guy Michael Harris.

Meanwhile, Liz is chosen as the LEAD delegate for the international teachers, and when they arrive, it’s very Goblet of Fire-y. Each one embodies a total stereotype of their country. I think the teacher from France does a mime routine.

Liz is all strung up about Club X, mostly because she is acared how it will look to the international teachers. So, she calls this Project X hotline, that is used in every book since the one where Tom went gay. Yea, because having Amy Slutton on the other end of the line is going to help.

“I don’t want to butt into her life, but I want her to stop doing what’s she’s doing. Does that make sense?”

“I know what you mean. Does it involve drugs or alcohol? Because if it does, you should butt in, whether you want to or not.”

Talk about a non-judgemental hotline.

So, Club X’s dares include:

  • diving into a public pool after it is closed
  • cutting the electricity in the school
  • putting glue in the padlocks of the lockers
  • smoking a cigarette in the principal’s office
  • hotwiring a car (Jess ends up stealing Bruce’s Porsche)
  • Walking along train tracks on a bridge (Stand By Me called and wants their plot back)

Meanwhile, Jess wants out but doesn’t want to give Bruce satisfaction. So she ALSO calls Project Youth. They are unhelpful. Surprise.

Jess re-rigs the wheel o’ dares so it will land on Bruce so she can give him the ULTIMATE dare. Are you ready for this? So much buildup. They are having another school assembly for the international teachers and during the assembly, Bruce needs to rerig the PA system so the radio station KZZP plays in the auditorium. What’s so bad about KZZP? They play HARD ROCK music! OMG! The horror! Apparently it is banned in some parts of SV. I didn’t know this was also Footloose.

Of course Jess is torn because Liz will be speaking during the assembly and Liz doesn’t want to be embarassed (i.e., doesn’t want the spotlight on her to be taken away). It still happens, and Bruce is caught and they all get called into the principal’s office for all their stunts. And they get dention for one week. GROW A SPINE, SVH!

Ma and Pa Wakefield grow a tiny spine and also ground Jessica for a week. That’s nothing. Although Sam is coming home that night and she can’t see him. So she convinces pushover Liz to switch places so she can sneak out and see him. She comes clean to him about what she’s been doing and all is well and they smooch.

Grade: B

Kind of a letdown. I thought the dares would be…well, a bit more daring. I can think of dares that would shake them to the core. How about Jessica step inside a synagogue? Or they send Jessica to downtown LA?

Let’s but Bruce under the microscope, shall we? He doesn’t really seem to have any real friends. Maybe his cold, mean exterior is for protection. I am sure he is incredibly insecure. It makes me feel bad for him, and maybe even want to make out with him for little bit. Is that wrong? I am a bad feminist.

Regina’s overdose, or #40 On the Edge

Posted on by
55

Let’s talk about this cover. Regina? Quite pretty in a “normal” kind of way. Also? Not looking like model material. And the pic of Bruce- is that a headshot? I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some made up. Also, thanks to Merrie who pointed out that Bruce looks like a young John Barrowman.

Good call. Also, Torchwood is pretty good.

Bruce, reverting back t0 his old ways, is fooling around with Amy Sutton. They are working on a project together about teen drug use. (Foreshadowing! Dun Dun Dunnnn…) Regina doesn’t know and Liz decides not to tell her. You could say that’s asinine of Liz, but I have been in the same situation and it is hard to be the bearer of the bad news. (Did I just defend Liz?)

So the Wakefields have a BBQ and Amy and Bruce fool around and everybody knows it is going on and Regina feels like an idiot. She gets mad at Liz for not telling her and basically tells Bruce to shove it. And he does, right up Amy Sutton.

Regina ends up hanging out with Justin Belson, who is a troublemaker with bad grades, who also hangs out with Molly Hecht and some badass named Jan. Honestly, these people actually seem interesting. She is invited to a party at Jan’s house, which will be WILD because Buzz the drug dealer will be there. And he doesn’t get his name from a bumblebee, if you know what I’m saying.Everyone warns Regina that he is bad news. God, they are so judgmental! Like BRUCE is so perfect?

So Bruce and Amy meet with Amy’s cousin Mimi about their drug project. I get the impression that Mimi is a social worker or someone who works in drug rehabilitation, but apparently she’s all that ans a police detective or something. She’s all, “we are hearing about a drug deal that is going to go down at a party with some guy named Buzz”. The fuck? Like there is only ONE drug dealer in all of Sweet Valley?

So Nicholas Morrow gets word about the party and jumps in his car and speeds towards the party. He gets stopped by cops because he was doing, I think, a hundred in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone and doesn’t have his license. He’s all “but there is a teenagers having a party! We must stop them!” Instead of cuffing him right then, the cops are all “we MUST get to that party! You’re right!”My head is in my hands.

Meanwhile, the party is in full swing. it seems WAY more fun that any party that Lila has with her fucking finger sandwiches and dumb decorations. Molly is peeved at Regina for hanging out with Justin, who is her ex-boyf and Regina actually feels bad because she knows the feeling. She wants to come clean with Molly, but big mean Jan decides to give her a hard time, goading her on to snort the cocaine. Regina does like three lines in a row, and I am no drug addict, but I know that is kind of a lot. She goes into cardiac arrest just as the cops and Nicholas burst in.

Okay the Scooby Gang are hanging out at Lila’s when they hear the news. Of course, Regina is kind of conscious for a bit and the first person she asks for is Liz. Because of course, the Wakefields are in the center of EVERYONE’s world, and if course you don’t want to walk into the light without getting one last glimpse of their sun-streaked hair!

Anyway, it’s too late. Regina is dunzo. It seems she suffered from a heart murmur and the cocaine gave her a heart attack. Ok, so, if the ghostwriters wanted to send a “drugs are bad” message, they totally fucked up. It comes across as, “if you are going to drugs, make sure you don’t have a rare congenital heart disease. Otherwise, go for it. Especially if you are ugly.”

Liz gets a letter that Regina wrote to her before she went to the party and mailed it. Who MAILS letters to their friends? Oh yea, this is before cell phones and emails. What would SVH look like with that technology? It forgives liz for everything and practically anoints sainthood on her for being a good friend.

Then, as you know, Justin and Molly become outcasts and of course Liz saves the fucking day.

I find it HIGHLY unlikely that Bruce or Lila have never done coke before.

Also, why is Enid and Liz invited to Lila’s? Don’t they all hate each other?

Speaking of Enid, she is all “I know what it’s like to run with the bad crowd”. Oh yea, like that one time you got a parking ticket? Shut up.

Grade: A-

Taffy Sinclair Strikes Again, or proof that Taffy rules

Posted on by
14

Reading these again has given me a totally new perspective: Jana is a supreme brat. And quite frivolous. And Taffy is kind of awesome.

Cover: great place to start. This scene never happened in the book, but kind of close. Taffy looks a good 22 years old. The other gals are hard to tell apart. Love the early 80s gear.

So the gals just started their new club, with the goal of becoming the most beautiful, popular, and sought-after girls in school. Well, starting a club and naming it is kind of negates this goal, doncha think? I am surprised the feminazi Katie Edwards agrees to this. They decide to start examining their faults. Jana, ever so kind to her friends, silently observes:

In fact, she takes every chance in the book to point out how fat Melanie is. They decide to make a list of each other’s faults nd show them to one another. Yes, THAT will end well.

Meanwhile, they get “Favulous Five” t-shirts but then checken out to wear them in from of Wiggins, the wiked old harpy they have as a teacher.

The big meeting with the faults: they all get peeved and everyone says that Jans is too “boy-crazy”. They all snub each other in school, which consists of “poison-dart eyes”, sticking out their tongues, and noses in the air. Jana decides to prove them wrong about the boy-crazy thing and make them realize that all the boys are crazy about her and so she can’t help it. And Taffy is supposed to be the conceited one?

Jana, desperate for attention, starts hanging out with Taffy Sinclair. Nice Jana. Make the girl you started a club against even more aware that you only talk to her when you need something. Taffy teaches her about body language, and how to send messages to cute boys and how to hate on people. She says her mother taught her these “when things were really bad”. In other words, when some bratty insecure girls FORMED A CLUB AGAINST HER. Serves them right.

Noe, here’s why I love Taffy. Seeing that Jana is in a vulnerble spot, decides to manipulate her for her own amusement. I would say it’s warranted, considering the shit Jana gave her. She tells Jana a cute boy has a crush on her, and Jana assumes it’s Randy Kirwan, man of her dreams. S she becomes all biy crazy about him and shit. Really, Taffy means Curtis Trwobridge and despite being a nerd, seems like a nice smart kid. Jana is all embarassed to be seen with him and acts like a totaly beotch to him. Because she’s a little bitch. Yes, I went there.

To make matters worse, all her friends make up and still hate Jana because she is hanging out with Taffy Sinclair. Thy get shirts that say “the Fabulous Four” and wear them to school. BURN!

Finally, Jana realizes that she is being manipulated and wants her old friends back…but realize, not because she misses them, but because Taffy screwed her over. If she and Taffy had remained friends, she wouldn’t have cared about them. It’s just all about Jana and her attention-seeking brattiness.

There ‘s a Halloween party at school and Jana’s por single mom spent her last dimes and time on a Jolly Green Giant costume for Jana (cute idea) but Jana secretly changes when she gets there into her Fabulous Five t-shirt as her costume to show her friends she still lurves them. All make up. Blah blah blah.

Oh, and Jana has a poster-sized pic of Randy in her room hidden behind her Miss Piggy poster. Kind of crerpy. Although I did know someone in junior high who had an honest-to-god shrine for the boy she liked, including one of his quizzes she stole and various pens he had borrowed from her. I was no winner in junior high, but even I looked at this girl in pity.

I am saving the best ones for later, like when Taffy’s diary gets stolen and she goes to Hollywood and stuff.

Francine plans to bestow a whole new generation with internalized oppression!

Posted on by
55

Reader Jessa Fields brought this to our attention: it seems that SVH is getting a re-release. Why? Trying to cash in? Will tweens of this generation appreciate it? I don’t think so. It’s so ridiculous and not like anything today. And think about how cellphone, internet and myspace would have affected the SVH kids. I don’t know if it would be better or worse. Plus, the Gossip Girl series is kind of the SVH of today.

I think SVH also epitomizes eighties culture. And not just because of the bad outfits. It represents the rise of the yuppie culture and obsession with the rich (Lila and Bruce’s homes and belongings always get a Cribs- like description) and it’s exteme un PC-ness and exclusion of anything different or not the white, rich standard. Sure, the token people of color are there, but that’s just it— as tokens. Yes, you are probably wondering why this is different from today, and sadly, it’s not. However, if you’ve ever read American Psycho* (which I considerone one of my favorite novels ever) you can see the eighties-esque obsession with excess.

I have heard the argument about some teen books as “well, at least kids are reading”. But my lord, do we really need to make teen girls feel anymore like the victims of shitty gender socialization that they already are? If you know any teen girls, KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THESE!

*Yes, I realize that this novel is incredibly misogynist, graphic, sexist, and downright sickening to read. Although I recognize that, I believe the author was using the character to make a statement about these oppressions and basically make an allegory for all the sick shit in the worls. And, although quite good, the movie version totally missed the point of the book. I am including this because when I tell people this is my favorite book it may give an impression of me that is actually quite the opposite. I promise to contunue to read cheesy YA series, don’t worry.