Monthly Archives: October 2007

help me out!

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Hi all, I have a couple of questions that have seriously been keeping me up at night, and maybe you can help.

In the SVH I am currently reading, they keep alluding to an instance where Todd was involved in some really bad pledging stuff that Bruce was organizing (typical). Is this an actual book? Does anyone know which one?

In what book do A.J. and Jessica break up?

I know that SVH was the original series, but when was the Sweet Valley Twins series created? Which came first, the Amy Slutton of high school or tomboy Amy?

Are the Sweet Valley Junior High Series and Sweet Valley Senior Year series in the typical SV universe? Or are they in an “alternative” reality? Meaning, do they fit into the SVH timeline? There are characters introduced senior year who never appear in the Sweet Valley University series, for example.

When does Ken go blind? What book is that? I’d love to do that one.

I’m away for a few days, but great things ahead! I started rereading the Pen Pals series and omg they are fucking awesome. Does Simmie Randolph the Third ring any bells? I’ll write it up soon.

If you like movies, wear red to school tomorrow or Taffy Sinclair and the Secret Admirer Epidemic

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Holy high-waisted pants, Jana! Mischa would approve. Mel looks great, I always thought she was pretty. The other girls look 35. And you can’t tell who they are. I am guessing Christie and Katie?

Jana is really getting on my fucking nerves. I wish now at age 29 I had her sixth-grade self-confidence. Even then its would be a bit much.

I jumped ahead: Randy and Jana are apparently a couple, and Melanie is now thin (the books where this happens is pretty sweet, son’t worry, I’ll get to them). All the guys are planning a trip to the movies and bringing dats. Scott Daly asked Mel, but Randy hasn’t asked Jana. Oh noes! Taffy moves in and flirts like crazy, careful not to show her crooked bicuspid.

Finally Jana gets a secret admirer notes and oh my god, it needs to be the topic of conversation among her friends at every second or else she gets pissed. In order to figure out who it is, Jana makes her friends track what boys look at her throughout the day. We have to read a couple of painful chapters of this and Jana proclaiming how popular she is with the boys.

Meanwhile, Christie has a crush on the Assistant Principal. Getting the idea from Jana’s letters, she starts sending him letter. Okay, creepy. She says she hopes “one day he will like her back.” I know she’s just a kid, but has REALLY thought through the logistics of that? Christie’s mom, who happens to be the principal, gets word of Jana’s letters and hints that she thinks Jana wrote them herself. Bwah!

Furthermore, Jana feels bad for her single mom and feels bad that her mom’s life is not as EXCITING as hers (shut UP Jana) so she decides she needs some excitement and writes her mom some secret admirer letters. Jana’s mom thinks it is from a psycho and gets all paranoid. Nice, Jana.

So, if you haven’t found out already, Taffy really wrote the notes to Jana, hoping that she’s forget Randy Kirwan and Taffy can get a grip on him. Turns out Randy can’t go the movie because he has to be in a wedding and wear a tux and he’s embarassed. I keep forgetting he IS just an eleven-year old boy. Finally he does go and take Jana and he smooches her in the back of the car.

Oh, eleven-year old dating:

I had finally decided on my lavendar pants and matching top, and I could tell by the way Randy looked at me when I opened the door that I had made the right choice. His dark green polos shirt was open at the neck, and his jeans were practically brand-new. He had never looked to handsome in his life!

I think I remember Jana chilling out a bit in the Fabulous Five series, but SERIOUSLY! She is incredibly immature and irritating. If I were Taffy, I’d fuck with her too.

TEAM TAFFY!

Bring It On! or #113 The Pom Pom Wars

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So, last time we left the gals, Jessica quit the team and found out about Liz and Ken’s torrid affair. Which still totally infuriates me, because it was so thrown in there after the affect! And with Ken, of all people! And suddenly Liz’s obsession with ken comes out of the woodwork! Even last miniseries when she was all up in Bruce’s speedo!!!

Ken actually does something useful- suggests that Jessica start her own cheerleading squad. So Jess goes out and recruits good dancers and gymnasts, along with Lila and Maria and Jean, who Heather booted. And…Jade Wu! I totally thought she would never appear in the series again. I must eat my words. And some gal Patty Gilbert, who I am apparently supposed to know about.

Jessica also blackmails Liz to be on her team. Either she joins or Jess tells Todd about Ken. So, um, yeah.

Lots of pages that throw in some cheerleading terminology and how Jessica is getting frustrated with her team. Blah blah blah. Apparently one can learn to do backflips and extensive pyramids within two days practice. Including Liz.

Lots of instances where Liz is crazy jealous of Ken and Jessica and mean to Todd. Seriously, this needs to get resolved quick because these scenes are just the same things over and over again.

Heather’s squad only has four people: her, Annie Whitman, Amy Sutton, and Sandra Bacon. And she forbids them all from talking Jessica. Although that is mean, I love how Jessica has tasted her own medicine and IT IS BITTER! I would have loved for Annie Whitman to be all, “remember when you made me feel so horrible I tried to kill myself when you kept me out of the squad? Payback’s a bitch!”. And didn’t Jessica once keep Amy Sutton off their stupid fucking baton twirling team once in the twins series? Maybe I just dreamt that.

Ok, so a scout came to one of the games and wants Heather’s team to go to the nationals. Ooookaaaayyyy, I was not a cheerleader in high school (surprise) but I don’t think that is how the national cheerleading competition works. First of all, you need an ADULT SUPERVISOR which they clearly don’t have.

Jess wants to be recruited to the nationals too, so she has her squad show up to the scout’s house. Listen, i am sure his wife is pissed enough that her husband watches high school girls shake their asses all day, he doesn’t need them showing up at his house. So he loves them but tells them that Heather already has the team that is going. On the way back they decide to stop at the football game in progress and sabotage the halftime. Jess gives her cassette to the PA guy and they come out and do their thing before Heather’s squad can. And the crowd goes wild!! Also, every student is at the football game, apparently.

Jessica get a brilliant idea that the school should VOTE on who gets to go to nationals, and approaches Chrome Dome with the idea of a cheer-off. NOTE TO ADULTS: IT’S OK TO SAY NO TO JESSICA. Ignoring any type of precedents, respect for the National Cheerleading Association, or boundaries, agrees to it. I think he even cancels class. What the fuck. Does everyone in the school really care? I’ll bet Lois Waller throws up in her mouth when she realizes she’s required to go to this shit show.

So both teams kick ass, and it’s a dead tie! The other members hatch a plan to tell both Heather and Jessica that they will each be the sole captains and to join the teams. Of course their egos both agree. So then they go to the regionals and win. Because forming a team within the span of three weeks makes you the best. But, I guess if you have the Wakefield twins, you’re the best.

MIRACULOUSLY, Heather and Jessica now get along. Nice plot consistency. At point, Ken comes up to Liz thinking she’s Jess and invites her out that night. Liz plays along and tells Jess that Ken had to cancel so she can go out with him. So they go to Miller’s Point or whatever and start making out and BAM! Ken realizes it’s Liz and BAM! Liz realizes she’s suddenly over Ken. If she got over him that quickly, did we REALLY need to hear all the incessant whining over her feelings?

They go to tell Todd and Jessica to come clean but it turns out that Jess and Todd found out and are super-pissed. Todd and Liz cheating on each other? It must be a Tuesday.

Can we talk about the cover? There are too many fucking blondes, I can’t tell who is who. First i thought the girls in the bleachers with the stringy hair were Liz and Jess, spying and plotting on Heather’s team, but then I realized that must be Heather and someone else spying on Jess’ new team. And that must be Jessica doing that spazzy jump. Isn’t Jade Asian and Patty is black? Where are they?

My grade: A-

Sunset Farwell (Sunset Island #4)

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I really never liked Emma’s drama. She and Kurt were too much like Liz and Todd. Anyway, it’s soooooo haaaaarrrd being a gazillionaire. Noooooooone undertaaaaaaands her.

I love the little inset pics- Emma is aerobicizing! Sam is playing a guitar! Carrie is…carrying a tire? Wtf?

Emma makes plans to do it with Kurt, finally. She also wears expensive lace lingerie from Paris. They get out to the dunes. The pour champagne on each other and lick it off. Seriously, Kurt goes as far as taking off Emma’s shirt and fondling the ladies and then they have a fight. Then Trent, Emma’s trust-fund boyfriend shows up and tries to get back in Emma’s life and blue-collar Kurt gets all insecure. Oh, and there’s more of Laurel and Diana being bitchy to the trio. Blah blah blah, same same. Can we get some rock star boyfriends in this one?

Oh, and Daphne the crazed anorexic tries to stab Emma in the Play Cafe but Kurt rescues her and they are all lovey dovey again. Blech. But wait- then Diana invites Kurt on a trip to NYC and Emma decides to also visit her aunt in NYC, and Kurt and Diana think that she is following them all to NYC. Then Kurt admits he slept with Diana, and they break up. Oh, and Carrie goes to a show in Bangor with Billy, and they do everything but.

There’s some stupid parallel storyline with the kids they take care of where the younger kid has a friend and his brother steals his friend. Whatever.

One of Sam’s outfits:
“She was wearing her favorite jeans, a white sleeveless men’s T-shirt without a bra, and a wild-looking multi-colored jacket with huge padded shoulders. Naturally she was wearing her red cowboy boots, her trademark.” Wow.

For gals that work as au pairs, they always seem to have the night off and have time to go jetting to New York and on tour with their boyfriends. Seriously.

The Quarks Club, or #13 Patti’s Secret Wish

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It’s a small pic, but the cover of this one blew my mind. The gals are spying on Patti from a book store, and you can see the books displayed are popular series books from the same era, like the BSC, the Gymnasts…and the Sleepover Friends. Wait, HUH? How is that possible? The book that they are in is a book in their world? Does that mean if they see that book a vortex to an alternate universe will open up? It blew my mind when I first saw that.

Anyway, Patti is being all secretive and sneaking off somewhere after school, and won’t tell the others, so they spy on her. She is spending time at the University, with an older, cute man and they think it is because Patti lurves him. Turns out she’s in the Quarks club, a special science club for smart kids and the guy is their teacher. Go, Patti! I love how they assume that Patti is meeting up randomly with some twenty-year old guy.

Also, Stephanie’s birthday is coming up, and she thinks her parents forgot because they are too busy thinking about their new baby and the addition they are putting on the house. Turns out that they surprise Stephanie with…her own separate house in the backyard? WTF? Why would you give that to an eleven year old? They say it’s so she will have a place of her own when the baby comes. AND they rent out the Pizza Palace for her surprise party. I know Mr. Green is a lawyer, but come on now. She is so spoiled. Also, once she becomes a teen, she will basically be bringing her friends back there and doing god knows what.

I was so jealous of Stephanie.

Hey Didi Darling!

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I had my parents send me more of my books from childhood, which they have in storage, so I’ve been skimming some that I remember that were pretty awesome. Did anyone ever read this one?

Holy shit, this book was my life. These teenage girls had a rock band and they became frustrated that no one was taking them seriously because they were women. So they decided to cross dress and pose as an all-boy group. Then they gain popularity and attract lots of adoring female fans and hikinks ensue while they try not to reveal their true identities. First of all, how in the hell did they even pass as boys? That astounded me. Looking back, I now see this could have been a statement of feminism/the glass ceiling and even on the effects of transphobia. Or maybe I am looking into it too much.

Some boy in their class finds out their secret and blackmails them into letting them join their band. They also enter a battle of the bands type thing and their identities are revealed and they still get chances to play. Their one fan, Didi is in love with their guitarist and follows them around threatening to steal their identity.

They also end up entering a battle of the bands and winning, finally revealing their identities to the world. This really should have been a series.

This patterned jumsuit will make you feel as pretty as Linda Ronstadt! or #28 Alone in the Crowd

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Raise your hand of Elizabeth’s all-knowing, demeaning look (plus her baby blue polo and matching barrettes) makes you want to punch her in the face! Also, Lynne is not bad looking. Those glasses…yikes. Although, take a trip to Williamsburg, Brooklyn. You’ll see some of the hipster kids wearing those.

Wow, Lynne Henry is a sad sack of shit. And the author really wants us to know that. This girl is actually someone that should be on suicide watch. And I’m not being fecicious. She wears dirty old clothing, has frizzy brown hair (because anything other than sun-streaked blonde is FREAKISH) and has glasses (THE HORROR). Plus, she looks like a stringbean, because she is tall and lanky and awkward. Wait, hold up, now that’s a bad thing? Of all the modeling that goes on in Sweet Valley, SHE should be the one who actually does the modeling. To make matters worse, her mother is head of a beauty salon and always trying to tell Lynne to take care of her looks. Could it get any worse?

She realizes what an unloveable loser she is when she hears Mr. Collins reading an Emily Dickinson poem: “I’m nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too?” She feels like Mr. Collins is saying this directly to her.
Check out more of these deep lyrics: “I never thought I’d be the one to say/A day is something more than just a day”. Wow…deep?

Ugh. Check out what Lynne thinks when she sees Jessica:

She couldn’t get over how grogeous Jessica looked in that shiny red sports car. She looked like an actress in a movie- her tanned skin, her perfect skin, her perfect hair, her sparkling bluish-green eyes. Lynne would have given anything in the whole world to be Jessica Wakefield just then. It just wasn’t her beauty, either, Lynne thought, Jessica was confident [I like to call it sociopathic].

Can it get worse? Yes it can. Guess who has taken an interest in Lynne? Yes, Liz “God complex” Wakefield. Liz bites her lip worrying about Lynne most of the time and thinks about how she can “save” her. Shut up and just go back to your privileged life.

The Droids are sponsoring a song writing contest. They don’t say why, but I am pretty sure that it is because since they play at every fricking school dance and they are running out of material. Lynne totally lurves Guy Chesney, the keyboard player, who lives in her neighborhood. They walk to school together and talk about music a lot. Lynne loves music and songwriting, but doesn’t tell anyone. At LEAST the girl has something she enjoys. I wanted to kill myself by proxy just reading about her. However, they talk about Linda Rondstadt and Lynne thinks Guy only likes attractive singers. [Checking date of book: 1987? Did teenagers seriously like her then?] I can see her wanting to look like Samantha Fox, Madonna or Susanna Hoffs, but Linda Ronstadt? Omg, remember Samantha Fox? Anyway…

Lynne secetly enters the singwriting conrest with a song about Guy. I seriously want to make fun of the song, but it is seriously so pathetic it hurts to laugh.

Day after day I’m feeling kind of lonely,
Day after day it’s him and him only.
Something in his eyes
Made my hopes start to rise.
But he’s a part of the world that doesn’t include me.
Nothing he says could ever delude me.
I’ll never win.
This is how it’s always been.
I’m on the outside…looking in.
Night after night I’m saying a prayer
Night after night…hat somebody will care!
Somebody to hear me,
Somebody to stay near me…
But nothing’s going to change. Dreams can’t deceive me.
I’m all alone. You’ve got to believe me.
I just can’t win.
This is how it’s always been…
I’m on the outside- on the outside…
Lookin’ in.

Oh, get a load of this. Jess and the cheerleaders need new uniforms, so they are sponsoring a fundraiser. (Why not give the money to the needy families of Sweet Valley? Oh yea cuz they are gross and deserve whatever they get.) So she decides to have a rock-a-thon at the gym where people will pledge the cheerleaders for each half-hour they rock. They turn it into a party and have the Droids play. (Won’t the dance cost money therefore eating their profits???) The Droids are going to annouce the winner of the contest at the dance.

Of course they are BLOWN away by Lynne’s song, and Guy practically goes insane with lust for the girl who wrote it. I think he actually puts the cassette down his pants. Lynne doesn’t want to reveal herself because she thinks Guy will be disappointed.

Elizabeth is at the guitar store (for no fucking reason) and hears Lynne giving lessons and realizes that she is the songwriter. She of course, gives Lynne the pep talk that only Liz can give In fact, Guy ALSO confides in Liz about his obsession with the singer. Why is Liz always the patron saint?

So, obviously, all the plot twists can only point to one thing: A MAKEOVER! Lynne decides that she needs to start taking care of her looks and puts on some stylish clothes- which includes a patterned jumpsuit and her mother’s earrings. HAWT! Her mother then takes her for a day at the salon and they do her hair and makeup. Lynne has “never felt closer to her mother”. Thanks Ms. Henry for withholding your love until Lynne wants some finger curls. Also, they have the requsite “self-esteem comes from the inside, not the outside” speech. So why the hell do we need this makeover montage? (Not that there is anything wrong with makeover montages. I happen to love them).

So finally, mentoning Linda Ronsdtadt to guy makes him realize it is Lynne Henry. Okay, random: he has a POLICE SKETCH artist sketch what he thinks the artist looks like and of course it looks like Lynne and she knows that he knows and BOOM! They fall in love and of course, everything is sealed with one big kiss. Isn’t that magical? [VOMIT]. I wonder if he would have kissed her pre-jumpsuit.

You can probably predict what I am going to say. Lynne’s happiness and “success” should be because she wrote a great song and won a contest, gained some self-respect, and finally connected with her mother. Instead, the ultimate end result is kissing the boy she likes. It seems that Guy’s and Lynne’s relationship is based on something deeper than most relationships, but it is so not going last. Lynne has dealt with serious depression issues and the second Guy doesn’t call her back right away or says something that she interprets wrong she is going to freak out and get seriously clingy. You can’t “cure” the years of depression and self-doubt with one kiss. She needs to be okay with herself before she is able to love someone else. I hate to sound like Dr. Phil, but that’s the reality. And I hate that this is sending the message that getting a boyfriend cures all ills. But am I really surprised at the lack of social accountability?

Other thoughts:

Guy actually seems like one of the more interesting guys at SVH. And thats not saying much.

Jess dances with Ken Matthews at the dance and Liz doesn’t blink and eye. Isn’t she supposed to be crazy jealous? Oh, that’s right, the writers put in that story AFTER THE FACT! CONTINUITY PLEASE!

Aside from her stupid rocking chair dance, Jessica actually did not do anything manipulative or assinine. it was kind of weird.

In case you care, the team DID raise enough money for the outfits. They bought ones that were super-slutty.

Classes are canceled on a Friday so the school can play a softball game in the park. You can guess who the members of the team are- the same ones on the volleyball team. How does the school allow this? The school board is probably in the Soviet Union again.

Grade: B

The Against Taffy Sinclair Club

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The Taffy Sinclair books were the shit. I think because they were written in a very realistic way and really captured the kids’ feelings and what their lives were like without being condescending. Seriously, I know they are only in the fifth grade, but creating a club to terrorize one girl in their school is out of control mean. And sounds like something I would have done. (Hell, I’m the president of such a club now). I actually feel kind of bad for Taffy. It’s totally obvious that they are all jealous and Taffy has no other way to act that being mean right back. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself here.

So Jana, the narrator and Beth, Katie, Melanie, and Christie have the titular club where they sit around and bitch about Taffy (but oddly, never make fun of her name). They have secret notebooks about her. On the first day of fifth grade, Taffy shows up to school with boobs. So the plan in for the gals to also grow boobs. Beth sees an add in a women’s magazine for the Venus Milo bust developer, so they all fundraise to get the $19.95 to purchase it. Christie proposes that they call their mission Lambda Rho, which is code for Little Raisins. I didn’t understand it then, and I am not sure I understand it now. And they are afraid that Mr. Neal will find out what it means.

They do a bake sale. Melanie, the “fat” one, has a secret recipe for “gorgeous brownies”. I am just sayin’, maybe her mother shouldn’t make brownies so much. No, I am not getting down on Mel for being overweight. I am just saying her mother shouldn’t contribute her Type 2 diabetes and years of social stigma. (Later Mel befriends Taffy and Taffy teaches her how to be bulimic, so that problem is solved, don’t worry.)

Also, Jana lives with just her mom and has a deadbeat Dad. Her father promised to take her on vacation, but never did, causing awful pain for Jana. She writes him a long letter about it and all she gets is a box of chocolates. It’s pretty shitty. To compensate, she write her “how I spent my summer” essay about the vacation, making up all the adventures. The school loves it and wants to publish it. Although Taffy knows its a lie and uses it to blackmail Jana. I have to say, I was on Taffy’s side. The other gals are clearly jealous. Taffy also finds the Against Taffy Sinclair notebook and threatens to show it to Mr. Neal, their teacher that they all have a crush on. Taffy is actually really hurt about it. I feel bad for her. I feel like she is mean and bitchy probs because the gals were mean to her first after being jealous.

Jana’s mom finds the notebook and the bust developer and talks some sense into Jana. The gals decide to form a self-improvement club, which will later become the Fabulous Five series, which I thought was pretty amazing.

This time around, I totally felt bad for Taffy and wanted to smack the rude out of Jana.

Why the hell does modeling always have to be part of a YA series plot? or Sunset Island #3, Sunset Dreams

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Okay, why the fuck is Sam wearing a big pile of hats? And who is the guy supposed to be at the bottom? Is that Billy or Presley? Because it doesn’t look like either of them.

So, now we get slutty Sam’s point of view. She takes care of twin 13-year old girls, who are total hussies. For instance, they have a rule where they don’t date boys under the age of 16. Nice.

Flash Hathaway, a creepy photog in a liesure suit who hangs around at teenage parties, claims that he can make Sam a famous model. So they set up a time for Sam to model some pictures. He has her posing like a porn star and in see-through lingerie. Sam stupidly thinks they are sophisticated. He sells them to a strip club and they use them as advertisements for exotic dancers. The twins and their Dad see them and Sam almost gets fired.

Meanwhile, things are heating up with Presley Travis, Flirting with Danger’s bass player, and I am not talking about the weather here. He speaks in cliched southern drawls and expressions.

Check out the baby prostitute ensemble Sam wears to her first meeting with Flash: “She had on her tightest white Lycra miniskirt and neon-orange bra top under a cropped white jacket. Her hair was sprayed into a huge mass of red waves and curls, and her orange matte lipstick matched the orange of her bra top. In her white high-heeled ankle boots she stood over six feet tall.” Wow. Orange lipstick? Waves AND curls? My head hurts from the ugliness.

Women’s Lib! or #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley

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Only in Sweet Valley: the Chamber of Commerce is sponsoring a Miss Teen Sweet Valley contest and holding it in the SVH auditorium. They are doing this as a fundraiser. How this will make them money I don’t know. I guess they are expecting all the pervs out there to buy tickets. And also, why the fuck is this allowed in the school? Am I surprised by it?

Liz and her fucking matching barettes.

Jessica is ecstatic of course, and is sure she will win. In fact, she waits a bit to sign up because she doesn’t want to make the other contestants scared.

It was hard to keep her intention of entering , and winning, to herself. But it was better to wait and see who else was signing up in order to evaluate her competition. If the other candidates knew Jessica was entering, they were bound to get discouraged and withdraw. In either case, the pageant would be canceled or Jessica would win simply because she was the only person in the contest.

How do the ghostwriters sleep at night?

Elizabeth, on the other hand, suddenly grows a spine and goes on a campaign to get it canceled, because she feels it is demeaning to women. She writes a long article in The Oracle. The Sweet Valley News reads it and wants to print it. Seriously, because the ONLY news worth printing in Sweet Valley has to do with the Wakefield twins. Plus, the local news LOVES the story and has the twins on tv to debate the issue. Please let that be a shitty local access channel, and not the nightly news.

Jessica really really wants to win. Why? So her brother’s college friend will notice her. And she’s an egomanical sociopath. Wow, great reasons. The guy, Frazer, actually ignores jess and doesn’t seem interested. Wh-wh-wh-what? How is it biologically possible that a guy ignores Jessica?

Meanwhile, Jess is taking modern dance lessons to work on her talent portion. Her teacheris very short with her and keeps giving her a hard time. That’s impossible! Jessica is amazing at everything she does! How dare someone day otherwise! Oh, actually, he’s hard on her because HE’S NEVER SEEN TALENT LIKE HERS…EVER. And it’s his duty to encourage such talent. Again, stop. validating. Jessica.

Liz finds a loophole in which she can get the pageant cancelled, but all for her love of Jess she lets it go on. Any person wishing to have an event in the school auditorium needs permision from the superintendent, who has been out of town “visiting the Soviet Uniton meeing with Soviet educators.” The fuck? He’s a superintendent of schools, not a spy for the CIA.

So Jessica fucks up during the dance portion, and is all ashamed and doesn’t want to go. In order to help her, Liz enters the swimsuit part posing as Jessica, because doncha know that she has a perfect size-six, tanned body.

So, Jessica finally wins. And she starts to think…I screwed up the dance portion…did I really win just because I’m pretty? Of course because she is about to have a profound thought about the superficiality of it all, it is forgotten of course. Through rumors she heard that the prize was 10,000 bucks and a shopping spree, but it turns out the prizes are reallya haircut at the new styling salon in the mall, a month’s free bowling at Al’s Alley, a set of encyclopedias (omg remember those?) a twenty-five dollar gift certificate for Things for Girls, ten free movie rentals at Quick-dash. Bwahahaha.

Ok, but then…this is infuriating. Frazer then shows up and is like, I’ve liked you this whole time but was afraid to ask you out. WHAT? It’s like even when Jessica doesn’t get what she wants it’s like it’s because she is so awesome that it will always work out in the end anyway.

Other thoughts:

One of the other contestants is deaf (not Regina, she’s dead) and Jessica was all, oh it’s okay because her hearing aids were hidden behind her hair.

Hey Dude! or Sleepover Friends #16, Kate’s Crush

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Just some SF tidbits: Merrie was gracious enough to dig up the recipe for Lauren’s favorite dip, from the Super Sleepover Guide:

Lauren’s Onion Soup-Olives-Bacon-Bits-and-Sour-Cream Dip

1 envelope onion soup mix

1 small can pitted black olives

1/8 cup prepared bacon bits or 3 strips bacon, fried crisp

2 cups sour cream

Slice 10-12 olives into small pieces. Mix together everything and try not to eat it all before your guest arrive. The Sleepover Friends like this dip best with barbecue potato chips, but try corn ships or chopped veggies.

Sounds like the appetizer at a bulimic’s convention. Just sayin’.

Also, I just bought these new Vans (I own like eight pairs of Vans) and I actually thought, “hey, these look like something Stephanie would wear because it looks liker her bedspread”. I am going to die alone.

I just reminded myself of that show Hey Dude with Blossom’s boyfriend and Christine Taylor and some gal named Brad. Anyhoo…

The gals are off to a Dude ranch with Stephanie’s grandmother. Why in the hell in YA novels did families take their kids friends on vacation? And why the hell does Nana want four girls with her? Anyway, they do fun dude-ranchy stuff like ride horses and take a boat out to an island and get semi-stranded on an island with tarantulas. They also meet a boy named Keith who is with his family who is really mean and never talks to them.

Stephanie gets the black and white horse to ride, natch.

The gals get riding lessons and every time they go Kate gets a headache and leaves to go to the lodge. The other gals think it is because she has a crush on Keith and is going to hang out with him. Turns out that Kate is just scared of the horses and is afraid to admit it. She also finds out that Keith just got braces and is embarrassed by them and doesn’t want to tell anyone. Actually, he and Pattie hit it off and talk about fossils.

I love how these fifth graders are more successful and proactive at meeting men then I am.

The cover: Patti (who I am assuming is the one on the left) never looks the same from cover to cover. Lauren looks annoying. Kate looks like a celeb I can’t think of right now. Steph’s wearing her favorite colors of course!

Linda Lewis books

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Anyone remember these?

There were a ton in this series, all about boys. I remember a couple of things:

  • It took place in Washington Heights, NYC.
  • They had a clique that used to hang out at the park wall
  • One gal went to an all-girls school and was peeved that she couldn’t be around boys.
  • One gal named Darlene already had hairy armpits and a D-cups in the fifth grade.
  • At one point, I think in the sixth grade, they all decided they would only like boys if they were in the eighth grade or older.
  • Eventually in high school the character dated this street kid and the whole book was basically them breaking up, making up, and making out.
  • It was awesome.

Also, if you want to read along; coming up: Miss Teen Sweet Valley, Regina’s overdose, and more cheerleading drama.

a record release party in Portland! or Sunset Island #2, Sunset Kiss

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Ok, this might have been the single most enjoyable reading experience of my young adult life. I was absolutely obsessed with this book. Maybe because the bookish, “curvy” girl gets the rock star. It can happen. It is still giving me hope that Jack White will divorce his supermodel wife and buy a condo with me. Anyway.

We start out at a Graham Perry concert. Apparently he does like a concert all the time on Sunset Island. And why does Sunset Island have a coliseum? Anyway, the gals are backstage because of course Carrie got them passes. She is borrowing Billy Sampson’s camera to take pics to try to sell to Rolling Stone. Um, yea. Billy is the singer of Flirting With Danger, who is the opening act. Because major rock stars always have shitty local unsigned bands open for them. Just go with it. I have.

Kristy Powell, local slut and columnist for Sunet Island’s paper is all over Billy and Carrie is jealous. Onstage, Billy dedicates his song (it’s called “What? U Lie”) and the gals think it is for Carrie, but Carrie thinks it’s for Kristy Powell, a local columnist that he has been hanging around. It’s probably for neither. Apparently when Billy sings, he sounds like Bon Jovi or Jim Morrison. Who sound nothing alike. Just go with it.

The next night at the Play Cafe Billy shows up. Carrie goes to the bathroom to put on makeup, and when she comes out she realizes her nipples are hard. Billy notices too and asks her out. Nice.

Problem: Carrie doesn’t have the night off so she decides to sneak out and leave the kids alone after they are asleep. I know the BSC wouldn’t approve!

So they go to a record producer’s party in Portland (Maine). Carrie’s date outfit, styled by Sam: an orange t-shirt dress that she rips a slit up the side to her waist, and safety pins up the slit. And another ripped down the front to her navel, also done up with pins. And no bra. Holy shit. Carrie also “borrows” Claudia’s five hundred dollar wedge sandals.

So she downs two glasses of straight vodka and has a blast at the party, until she realizes its almost time for the last ferry so she can get back in time to sneak back in. So Billy takes her and she yacks off the edge the whole time. Kurt, Emmas’ boyf, drives her back in his taxi and she gets in on time. Phew! It is nice to see characters who actually drink underage.

So later Billy asks her to some after hours clam bake or something and she buys a new suit with a thong back. Ew. So the party is crazy! Someone is smoking pot! Kristy the slut is there and is dancing topless! She and Billy are totally getting along and they make out for a lil. Then Kristy gets high and wants everyone to go skinny-dipping in the ocean. Billy doesn’t want to, but Carrie thinks it will make her look fun and exciting. So then the cops come and arrest everyone, and Billy is peeved that Carrie acted like an ass. Graham Perry and Claudia have to pick her up from the station and she admits everything and about sneaking out and all is forgiven.

Finally, on the beach the next day Carrie loses her three-year old charge on the beach and Billy helps her find her, and Billy realizes what a caring person she is. Then they talk about photography more and realize they are in LUV. And Billy likes Carrie the way she was, so why did she try and pretend to be a sex god?

The parallel kid story is that Ian Templeton, the other kid Carrie takes care of, wants to hang out with older kids but they make fun of him. I think that also results in the message that you should be yourself.

The good thing is, they even give descriptions of boy clothes! On their first date, he wears “a western style denim shirt and black jeans”. What, no bolo tie? The guys often wear denim cutoffs and neon muscle shirts. Ah, the 90s.

In high school, Kristy was voted “girl most likely to” as in girl most likely to do “it”. Seriously, these kids need to get out more.

Also, Cherie Bennett is pretty cool, despite not answering some of your fan mail! Since Wikipedia did not exist in 1992, I did not know that she wrote for a soap opera. And she wrote other series? Anyone ever read them?

The one with the artifical intelligence science project, or #36, Last Chance

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My god, Amy Sutton is a worthless, disgusting, soul-sucking piece of shit. And the thing is, I am not sure if her high school persona is supposed to be hatelful to the reader, or supposed to personify popularity. Apparently in junior high she was smart and nice and driven, and now she is anything but, and that is really never addressed. My god, even Jessica gets annoyed with her. And that’s saying a lot.

The Clark Kent guy is Peter DeHaven, someone who apparently is the shit at SVH and we are only hearing about him now. He’s a computer science genius, and he’s been accepted to MIT. Funny how he’s totally smart and the gals are all over him, but god forbid a girl does well in school and she’s a hideous dog. Oh, and he maaaaayyyy be wearing pleated jeans. It’s hard to tell. The blonde is Amy, duh. The other gal is Johanna Porter, sister of Julie Porter, the one who was caught up in the pledging mayhem.

Jo dropped out of school because she was failing and had no motivation. Her parents and sister Julie were way into music and she wasn’t, so she felt like the outcast of her family. She had no interest in music, so she felt she wasn’t repected. I actually felt for her a little. Then her mother was killed and felt even more alienated and depressed. She has been working as a waitress at the Whistle Stop which she actually enjoyed more than SVH because the people were real and she felt respected. Honestly, she is better off being there and making an honest living. But, she decides to give school another try. Once she arrives every is all bitchy and judgemental. She chats with Pete, who is a childhood friend, but is also going out with Amy. When Amy is away, he and Johanna hang out, although he only talks about himself and doesn’t seem to care about her. Although, she is starved for attention and sympathy and unfortunately totally falls in lurve with him. However, he is a total dick and won’t break up with Amy. He doesn’t even like her, he guesses it is just easier to be with her.

Meanwhile, guess who is assigned to tutor Jo to help her catch up? That’s right, our resident Ingalls, Miss Liz Wakefield. Not only does she tutor her in school, she tutors her in LIFE! Why the fuck does she always have to tutor people? Ken, Annie, and now Johanna! As if Liz wasn’t sticking her condescending nose into everything already, she goes and confronts Peter about how he is treating Jo. Yea, like she has the right to say how to treat people in relationships.

Finally Peter does realize he really does love Johanna but he is staying with Amy because he is not truly interested in her, so he never has to be vulnerable. Finally after Johanna drops out again, he finds her at the Whistle Stop and professes his love for her, but….she TELLS HIM TO FUCK OFF! And that she needs to get her life together for her, and not for anyone else! Can it be true? Does a character actually grow a spine? I am actually overjoyed that things don’t end up in a stupid cliched happy ending with a kiss.

Meanwhile, for now reason other than she is a manipulative sociopath, Jessica decides that she does not want Cara and Steven to go out anymore. She feels that since she got them together, she OWNS them and has the right to break them up. She makes each of them believe that they are seeing other people. They fight about it and when they realize that it was Jessica that was behind it all, she pulls this shit: “I was only testing you two…if you really loved each other, you’d never fall for any of that stuff I said.” And Steven and Cara bend over and take it. Cara: “She’s right, Steve. We’re really the ones at fault. We should have trusted each other.” And Jessica gets way with it!!!! Why does she get all this validation?

Other stuff:

It seems that every character is soooo beautiful and that has to be mentioned a thousand times. Is there anyone at this school who is NOT beautiful? If so, they never get any airtime. In fact, I think they have to take special classes. Joanna’s “long hair made her look old-fashined, and her eyes were such a beautiful shade of green. That afternoon she was wearing a flowered jumper and a Victorian lace blouse. She had a style all her own, which Elzabeth thought was charming. But she couldn’t help thinking that it was a shame it was that Johanna couldn’t show the same independent style when it came to expressing her ideas.” SHUT UP LIZ! Also, I think I wore that outfit for my secind-grade school pictures.

God, Amy is so dreadful. She hates when Peter talks about his science stuff because it bores her, so she doesn’t allow him to talk about it.

Steven has a math assignment from college that Johanna helps him with. It is pictures of pieces of paper with fold lines and you have to imagine the shape of the final folded project. Wtf is that? It’s like an IQ test. And, suddenly after one chemistry test, the teachers claim that Johanna is gifted and enroll her in collge courses. Wow. SVH has some great assessment tools.

The author uses “computer programs” very loosely here. Peter’s science project is one that he is writing a program for a robot psychologist. It will answer yes or no questions and from the answers determine the patient’s emotional state. Yes. The one part he gets stuck on is how to program it to determine love. And Johanna helps him solve that part too, because what do you know, she’s suddenly a computer whiz. And see what we did there? Johanna “helps” him learn love. Barf.

Of course, there is a dance in this book. A PTA dance. What in the hell does that mean? A PTA-themed dance? A PTA sponsored dance? Why in the hell would anyone go to it anyway? Jess and Cara look real classy. “Jessica fluffed up her hair and admired her leather miniskirt and skimpy white top”. Cara was dressed in “a pair of tight black jeans and a sparkly t-shirt” Actually, that sounds kind of cute. Anayway, I’m still baffled over this PTA dance. The Droids are playing, natch.

Did I mention I hate Amy?

Grade: C

Just where in the hell is this city you speak of? Or Sleepover Friends #5: Lauren’s Big Mix-Up

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The gals go away for the weekend to stay in “the city” with Nana, Stephanie’s grandmother. She just cannot get enough of these sleepover friends!

Now, the big question is, where in the hell is this “city”? They mention the Pequontic river, which, thanks to Google, does not exist. So, it can be either the Potomac (in Maryland) or the Peconic River on Long Island. And we know the city is on the East Coast, so it could be maybe NYC or DC. Here’s what I’m thinking: it’s NYC. I’ve lived in both NYC and DC and really, not a lot of people in the outliers called DC “the city”. But, people on Long Island did all the time. Plus, it seems to be bigger and busier than DC is. And, for some reason, I’m getting a Washington Heights vibe. I don’t know why. Then again, they go to a History Museum, which can either be the Museum of Natural History or the Smithsonian.

Well, anyway, Lauren gets the wrong suitcase when she is getting off the bus, and there is man’s stuff plus a tape of something. Kate and Lauren later find a dog and the owner invites them to the play she is putting on and they realize it’s the playwright’s suitcase. What a coinky-dink! The playwright goes through Laren’s stuff and finds her journal that says “Riverhurst Elementary” and the names Kate, Lauren, Stephanie, and Patti and calls the school asking if they’s heard of these girls. The school admin is all, “of course! Everyone knows the Sleepover Friends!” ICK! It just made me realize how clique-y these gals are. If I was in their class I’d be kind of jealous. No wonder jenny Carlin hates them. Also, I thought it was weird that this guy had to go through Lauren’s stuff to find her journal. Like her underwear and stuff. What a perv.

So, I need to back up. Stephanie’s friend Tiffany hangs out with them acts like a total “I’ a singer-actress-dancer” stuck up snob and the gals hate her. Kate is all”are all people rude in the city, or just you?” and Tiff storms off. I used to think Kate was a stick in the mud when I first read these, but now I kinda like her. The gang go out shopping IN THE CITY ALONE and Kate and Stephanie get into a big fight and Stephanie and Nana leave and the three rest of them continue to walk around the city. They are getting on the bus but patti gets on without them, and it’s a big drama. And then they go see Stephanie and Patti’s old school, and run into some girl Patti knew who sings in a rock band with seventh graders. Wow, what the hell? I’m impressed that thirteen year olds actually have the discipline and drive to have a band. Anyway, they hang out and make friends blah blah blah.

Other thoughts:

Kate is a film buff and way into obscure foreign films. What fifth-grader likes to watch black and white movies in Swedish?