Monthly Archives: September 2007

Todd is from Mars and Liz is from Venus, or #78 The Dating Game

Posted on by
21

Suddenly, all these other SVH students come out of the woodwork that we’ve never heard of before. Scott Trost, Danny something, Zach something, all football players. You’d think Jessica would have dry humped them all by now. I think the enrollment of SVH just tripled. Why haven’t we heard of them before? Especially since so many of them are on the football team???? Why am I still under the assumption SVH storylines are logical?????

Sigh. Here we go. Jessica is having reocurring dreams about some guy named Jackson who lives in Hawaii and feels she is meant to be with him. Gross thing is, she tells her parents all about it. I still can’t talk to my mother about boys, and I am 30. Alice agrees that if she can earn the money to go to Hawaii, she can go and look for this guy. In order to make money, she offers up her services as a dream interpreter. So we spend a lot of time hearing about the cheerleaders dumb dreams. Befoe you call Alice a bad mother, she probably figures out that Jessica won’t end up making the money. Somehow I am hoping that this guy Jackson actually turns out to be Jackson Ripner.

Meanwhile Liz tried to be all investigative reporter and is doing a feature for the Oracle on what attracts men. Yes, you heard that correctly. Mr. Collins, can you please do you job correctly and put a stop to this? So she makes up a survey to give out. The other suggest that a picture of she and Todd go with the article because they are “the perfect couple”. We are on book 78- shall we tally up the fights and indescretions? Nothing I love more than heterosexism and validation about a social contruct. Liz claimes that guys only go for looks, while women look for deeper reasons. Todd disagrees and writes a letter anonymously claiming that both women are equally shallow. Viva La equal rights.

That’s really the secondary storyline, because there is an inane plot about Jean West and Claire Middleton (the gal who tried out for the football team- don’t actually know if that worked out). They both go one Saturday night without a date and suddenly they are old maids. They both get the same cheesy love letter from Scott Trost, the quarterback, who we’ve barely heard of until now. They both realize they’ve been two-timed, but instead of confronting him, they play along with his game. Finally, when they confront him about it, he decides that there should be a contest between them about who is a better dater and the prize is him. They plan to go along with it and when he announces the winner at a fucking school assembly they will both turn him down. Although somehow, Jean still has the hots for him. They go on several cliches dates, so the ever fancy Box Tree Cafe and mini-golfing. Yes, there is nothing hotter than some manipulation and oppression. So Scott explaines that he only asked out both of them because there was pressure from his teammates to be macho. That only makes Jean want him more. They fall in love. The end.

Meanwhile, Claire really loves Danny Porter. I don’t know what happened with that, the whole plot of this book is so fucked up, like the ghostwriter wasn’t even trying. Seriously, nothing made sense.

Meanwhile Jessica won’t shut up about her dream, and even her father wants her to shut up. She goes in to business as a dream interpreter. It turns out that her dream was only because she saw a magazine ad about Hawaii. I think that storyline was for comedy. I’m not sure.

Other thoughts:

Jeez, these kids are so date-y. As in the guys wear suits and they go out to dinner. Did sixteen year olds EVER do this? You see this a lot in 80s teen movies too. Maybe I am just jaded, because nowadays sixteen year olds have orgies in their finished basements.

Check out this nugget of feminism from Jessica: “If you think about it, when someone asks you out, it means you’ve won a competition , with all the other girls he could have asked out. We’re competing all the time!”

Another great quote: “It’s just that I don’t know what people do who don’t go out do on Saturday nights. Are there special shows on television for them, or something like that?” Yes, Jessica, it’s called Battlestar Galactica, and it’s fucking amazing.

And now it’s time for a new segment I like to call When Todd Says Things That Make Him Sound Gay. You’d be surprised, it happens a lot: [about Scott Trost]

“He’s a hard worker, and also a terrific team player.” He winked. “And even you can’t deny that he’s attractive”.

What’s with the wink, Todd? Are you trying to tell us something?

My grade: D-

Today’s poll: isn’t the Gossip Girl show a piece of shit? I wanted to give it a try to perhaps be one of my guilty pleasures, and thought it would be more sardonic, like Mean Girls. The books are for the generation that came after me, but I assumed they were like SVH. I mean, in the first episode alone, there was a character who attempted to sexually assauly two girls. Please make this go off my television.

p.s. Since I had a great response to my Sleepover Friends post, I am thinking of recapping some other series on here. I just had my parents ship me a whole carton of my books from when I was a kid/teenager. Don’t worry, I am still loyal to our aqua-eyed. sun-streaked twins.

Black, white and red are my favorite colors too!

Posted on by
39

Wow, what a nice break from Jessica and her bullshit antics. A series about friendship! And fun stuff! And making fudge! And riding bikes! No cheerleading crap! Or comas or werewolves! I’m taking it way back to Sleepover friends.

Basically, the plot is…these 4 gals have sleepovers every Friday. And that’s about it. That’s the premise. Simple but genius. Although, that’s kind of unhealthy. After I slept over a friends house and got 2 hours of sleep, I was a wreck and for kids that’s not so good, I guess. So every week? Dayum.

Believe it or not, these were written pretty well for kids without being condescending. Although…these gals act as if they are 30, not in the fifthgrade. As in, they go to the mall by themselves and eat at restaurants by themselves. The gals in the back on the bed look kind of old as well.

So, plot? In the twelve minutes it took me to reread this, here’s the gist: Lauren, Kate and Stephanie have sleepovers every week and Patti is new to town, so they invite her to join them. Kate jokingly puts a curse on her, and then unlucky shit happens, like she spills stuff, let’s Lauren’s huge dog loose in the neighborhood, and after they put glittery purple gel in their hair there is a water main break and they can’t wash it out. Oh the hilarity!

The gals are:

  • Lauren: the narrator of the series, who quite frankly, doesn’t have much personality except that she eats a lot
  • Kate: the anal retentive bitchy one
  • Patti: the new gal, who is shy
  • Stephanie: the boy-crazy trendy one who used to live in the city: I am assuming they mean NYC? She moved to the ‘burbs in fourth grade and always talks about the crazy shit she did before she moved. Like go to Bungalow 8 and have cosmos? At age EIGHT? Also, her favorite colors are black, white, and red, which I totally remembered. Sadly, I am looking around my apartment and it is decorated in black, white, and red, which happen to be MY favorite colors. Oh my gosh, is this because I read this series and I was brainwashed? I’d like to think my love for the colors are more because of The White Stripes, so let’s just pretend that is the cause.

Oh, and fun stuff they do at Sleepovers:

  • wet their hair and braid it, let it dry so they have wavy hair
  • make fudge out of Hershey’s kisses
  • call boys in their class and hang up
  • knock on their neighbor’s window and run
  • watch old sci fi movies

Seriously, after reading the first page, all this series came flooding back. Ah, good times. A good break from the cruel, cruel world of Sweet Valley. I may make this a regular thing.

The one where we learn that sluts don’t make good cheerleaders, or #10 Wrong Kind of Girl

Posted on by
40

Annie looks like Brittany Murphy, pre-anorexia and cocaine. Like in the Clueless days. Jessica’s smirk and stupid wavy bangs make me want to punch her directly in her size-six stomach. Ugh.

Okay, just a warning: I’ll be quoting verbatim from many parts of this one. Because it is so fucking horrible you won’t believe it. First:

The cheerleaders at Sweet Valley High were the cream of the crop- the prettiest, most sought after girls not only in the school but in the town of Sweet Valley, California. They included Robin Wilson, the current Miss Sweet Valley High; Helen Bradley, a stunning redhead, Jean West, a pixie brunette; and Maria Santinelli, who could do backflips that took everyone’s breath away. Finally, there was Jessica, who at five feet six, with a crown of glorious, sun-streaked blond hair, and sprakling blue-green eyes, was the envy of most of the girls in Sweet Valley High…..Of course, looks were only part of it. It took more than that to make the SVH cheering squad…you had to keep your grades up…and the cheerleaders had some indefinable style….above, all she had to have talent.

Great! If they are unique women, they shall only be known by hair color and looks. Second of all, there doesn’t seem to be an adult coach or anything overseeing the team, so wtf? Can a school really allow the students to pick their own members based on looks? ARRRGGGHHHH!!!

So Jessica labels Annie a slut because she has “dated” several different guys, including Rick Andover, Bruce Patman and others. As far as I know, Annie hasn’t slept with any of them, but gets the nickname “Easy Annie”. And she doesn’t want a tramp on her team, because others will start thinking they are tramps. Is it REALLY not possible that someone at SVH does not already think that Jessica is a slut? Can someone PLEASE call her out on her hypocracy? I think the real reason she doesn’t want her on the team is some jealousy thing, because Annie is really thin (we have to hear about it every page) and talented and may move in and steal the attention from guys.

Oh another reason Annie is a vile outcast: she lives in AN APARTMENT! AND HAS A SINGLE MOM! OMG! THE HORROR! Her mother had her at sixteen (wow, at least some teenagers in SVH are having sex) and kind of doesn’t act like a mom and I get the feeling this is why Annie gets her validation from male attention. Which, is a legit reason, but can we please have some characters with non-traditional family structures that are well-adjusted? Because, you know, it does happen. And by my calculations, Annie’s mother is my age. Wow. I need to sit with that thought for a while. Again, Francine implies that if you don’t grow up in a family with 2 straight parents, 2.5 kids and a dog, you are a ruined and tainted person.

Liz is tutoring Annie to get her grades up to she can be eligible to try out for the cheerleading team. And Liz can’t stick her nose out of people’s business and thinks that without her help people will fail.

Oh right, Annie and Jessica have a dance-off at the Beach Disco. How Britney and Justin of them.

Oh, Annie did some modeling when she was thirteen. Who HASN’T been a model in Sweet Valley? The hell? The writers need to understand that pretty people don’ t automatically become models. There is an in-between on the scale of attractiveness.

Annie makes it through the semi-finals and finals and impresses everyone, apparently she is good. And thin and pretty. But Jessica schemes and wines and bullies the rest of the team to pick Cara Walker and Sandra Bacon. I wish Robin Wilson, as co-captain, would stand up to Jessica. I wonder how she even puts up with her.

Also to mention that the team has a manager, Ricky Capuldo, who is shy and is afraid of dating girls, but loves to hang out with the cheerleaders. Um, gay much? But he does have a major thing for Annie. And calls Jessica out on her shit, so that put him on my short list of SVH characters that are bearable.

So Annie doesn’t make the squad, and she tried to kill herself. I guess I should feel bad, but I feel like this does not do justice to the notion of suicide, and glosses over it and suggests people try to kill themselves are just overreacting about an event, and ignores any deep-rooted depression and issues. But why would I even expect Francine to take this seriously? The doctors say she has “no will to live”. Jessica suddenly feels guilty and realizes what a cruel, heartless, selfish wench she’s been. However, that doesn’t carry past the last page of this book, so don’t get too excited.

The twins come in and explain the situation to her doctor, and

Dr. Hammond pressed his hands together and stared at Jessica for a long time. “Do you really want to help Annie?” he asked….”I don’t know” he said slowly, “Perhaps…it’s possible. Now Jessica, you must tell me something. Are you willing to have Annie on the cheerleading squad? If you aren’t, then please say so right now. It would be terrible to raise her hopes and then let her down again. That would be quite traumatic.”…

Wtf? Why does the doctor even entertain this thought? Seriously, if someone was brought in because of an intentional overdose, they would be sent to psych to be under observation for a few days, and here this doctor is prescribing a talk from a stupid teenager to help Annie. HE THINKS THAT BECOMING A CHEERLEADER WILL OVERCOME A SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION. Someone take his license away! ARRGGHHH! THE RAGE! So anyway, Jessica asks Annie to be on the team and that wakes her out of her coma or whatever. And all is happy and well. You’d think that maybe Jessica would learn something, but we have a hundred or so books after this that prove she learned nothing.

So…[taking deep breaths]…what is the moral of this one? If you want to change your life for the better, you need to be validated by an exclusive group that bases people on looks. That’s one. The other one is, just as we saw in the Robin Wilson weight-a-palooza, was that the best way to get revenge on those that are being mean and judgmental is to become just like them and be accepted. Seriously, if Robin and Annie are that talented and good looking, they could go off by themselves and make their own clique. Thirdly, if you are blond and pretty and come from an upper-middle class home, it is okay to date around. However, if you are poor and brunette and come from a single family home, it’s considered slutty. These are great messages, Francine. Thank you.

Other thoughts:

They mention that Mr. Collins is in his late-twenties. So, Mr. Collins is actually younger than I am. Yikes.

Want to hear some gross Lizz-Todd lovey dovey talk?

Elizbeth felt Todd as he put his strong arms around her, hugging her tightly. “When we hold each other like this, I believe you. But you had me scared.” “Scared? You? The star basketball player of Sweet Valley High is scared by little old me?” she teased. “I’d better run right down to the Oracle office and stop the presses.” Todd’s response was a tender kiss. “if the opposing team had five beautiful blondes exactly like you, I’d be helpless,” he confessed when they finished their embrace. “But that’s be impossible, because there is no one exactly like you, Liz”.

I threw up in my mouth when I read this. Also, what Todd says is actually kind of gay when you think about it.

Grade: B-

Rage factor: 146 million

ode to Sweet Valley

Posted on by
12

In some of the books, there is a “reader of the month” section where readers send in essays kissing Francine’s ass and they publish them. This one was in the back of one of the current one I am reading, and it had to be shared. This was written by Robbenmarie _____ of New Jersey. I hope she does not do a google search of herself, because I feel bad for making fun of her, but really, she put herself out there, so all’s fair I guess. Anyway, she wrote a poem, and I wish I wrote it myself.

Tell me a place where the romance is hot:
Where the parties never stop:
Where I can find so many gorgeous guys.
And identical twins with blue-green eyes;
Where sports cars are fiery red,
A Saturday night without a date
Is cause for dread!
Still haven’t guessed?
I’ll tell you on the sly,
I’m talking about Sweet Valley High!
It’s so fun to read;
It has all the dating tips you need!
In the end, the good guys always win,
With a little help from the Wakefield twins.
If you are looking for fun, the come on!
We’ll go to Beach Disco
And hear the Droids play their newest song.
Don’t get hurt
When Jessica decides to flirt with your guy;
But Elizabeth’s there
And on Jessica she’ll keep a close eye.
Come along if you choose;
This is Sweet Valley High
You’ve got nothing to lose!

Yea, well, there it is. I hope Robbenmarie has kept this poem to justify the hours of therapy she will need as an adult. And also, her rhyming pattern isn’t consistent. And there is some awkward passive voice in there. I think Mr. Collins would write a red “see me after class” on this one. Maybe the droids could set this to music.

Edited to add: thanks to Erin, we learned that Robbenmarie is actually a practicing lawyer. I took out her last name at the top to save her the humiliation and a possible libel suit. But congrats on being a lawyer! See, SVH didn’t ruin her life like it did to mine.

The one where yet again no boy can resist Jessica or #107 Jessica’s Secret Love

Posted on by
30

Jessica’s guy looks like an insurance salesman.

Wow, I gess after the whole getting chased by lunatic werewolves, I guess plots that matter are hard to come by. This was written by a 12 year old. Sigh. Another book where Jessica is validated simply for being a skinny blonde. So the twins are home from a stint in London and are at the beach, and some guy hits Jessica on the head with a frisbee! He come over to apologize and BAM! within three seconds they decide they are soul mates. Maybe I am just too old and cynical to buy this. So they make out after saying 2 words to each other. Then the guy runs off and says he can’t be with Jessica. After this encounter Jessica decides that Mystery Beach Man is the most. important. man. she’s ever. met. She claims to care for him more than she did for Sam, the alleged love of her life that Elizabeth killed when she was driving drunk. Who boy. So Jessica mopes around and Liz totally enables her.

So if you are still awake to be involved in this plot, Sue Gibbons is Alice’s friend’s daughter who is coming to Sweet Valley to get married. And she’s eighteen. And her mom just died so she decides what better to share her wedding joy with than complete strangers. And the Wakefields are totally the Ingalls here. In case you don’t have the intelligence of at least a first-grader, I don’t have to tell you that Sue’s fiance turns out to be the beach guy. And his name is Jeremy Randall, and he’s twenty-three. And works for a nature non-profit in nyc. Okay, so I am sure he finds some hot blonde teenager while visiting CA and decides that she is the love of her life, rather than some girl he wants to bone. We further learn why J & J are menat for each other: they both like the same engagement ring, they both want a wedding on the beach, and their names begin with the same letter. Yes, for real.

Sigh. What else? Jess convinces Bruce to take her to the same restaurant Jeremy and Sue are at and to pretend to be her date so make Jeremy jealous. She tricks Jeremy into taking him in to going to Miller’s Point (what a cock tease). Oh, and Lila falls in Lurve with Jeremy’s friend Robby who pretends to be rich to pretend to impress Lila, but in fact he is bone broke and then Lila’ all conflicted about it.

Jess somehow tricks Jeremy into trying on his tux and then she puts on Sue’s wedding dress and that’s when they realize they were really meant to be. There is some sobbing and ego-stroking galore.

The whole werewolves in London thing happened right before this, and Liz is traumatized because she fell for a serial killer. So she starts going crazy with self-help books and attending “Primal Woman” seminars. During the seminar Liz picks a new name, which is Runs-with-the-Wind. She suggests the name She-Who-Shops-A-Lot for Jessica. See? Once every few hundred books there is something REMOTELY funny.

Jessica’s outfit choices for her fake date with Bruce: white palazzo pants, sheer babydoll dress over leggings, or a fitted coral suit. Hawt. She ends up wearing a silk aquamarine dress with an elastic back holding the bodice in place, with a matching bolero jacket piped in white. SWEET! I think I wore that at my Bat Mitzvah.

Oh, it magically happens to be summer again. Love how the time warp continuum works in Sweet Valley.

Sue Gibbons is annoying. She supposedly works for an environmental group but is quite shallow and materialistic. Liz is all condescending and points that out, and for once I have to agree with her.

Aother thing: when Jessica raids Elizabeth’s closet, she chooses the dress that Elizabeth wore to the jungle prom. THE ONE THAT SHE WAS WEARING WHEN SHE KILLED JESSICA’S BOYFRIEND. And she doesn’t bat an eyelash. ghostwriters, get a grip! Copy Editor, get on your game!

Also, this whole love thing was insulting. They really throw around the word too much. I can understand that Jeremy and Jessica may want to fool around with each other, but this whole true love thing in ridiculous. And he’s twenty-three, so ew.

You know what? Bruce Patman was eerily charming in this book. He agrees to pose as Jessica’s date then kind of makes fun of her and makes her pay for his dinner. It’s a sad sick world when Bruce is the character I am enjoying.

Grade: F (I would go lower if I could)

This mini-series drags on for like another four books, and I don’t know if I can bear it. Just by reading the backs it looks as if Jeremy is faking with Jessica to somehow get Sue’s inheritance, and I don’t understand the logic of that and quite frankly I don’t care.

Also, didn’t the Wakefields have a dog? Did something happen to it or is it lazy writing?

On deck: the Pom Pom wars, some AJ Morgan action, Annie Whitman slutfest, Club X, Steven Wakefield drama….

The one where Tom McKay is too gay to function, or #75 Amy’s True Love

Posted on by
22

Wow, this is crazy! There are characters calling each other out on their faults! And character growth! And accountability for actions! And GAYS!!!!! Of course, within 132 pages all is resolved and homophobia is eradicated, but at least its better than using date rape and parties as a centerpiece of the plot.

We get some Amy Sutton point of view. She thinks her parents ignore her because they are famous (Mom’s a sportscaster and Dad’s a photographer) and she is mad because she thinks her dad likes spending more time with her mother than her. (Wow, and I thought Lila had daddy issues). And I think they are hinting that that is the reason that she seeks approval from men. When her parents ask her what is new, she talks only about boys and nothing else. Mama Sutton tells Amy that she needs to stop being so shallow and start thinking about her future. Yay! A parent doing her job! Take note, Alice Wakefied!

Amy is also failing sociology [hold up. They offer sociology at SVH? I am so jealous. All schools should do this, instead of trying to get everyone to simply regurgitate dates from eurocentric history. You'd think the kids from SVH would be more aware of race/class issues. But why am I even putting faith in the SV public school systems? They practically sponsor orgies and pledging]. For extra credit, the teacher reccomends that Amy volunteer at Project Youth, which I guess is a like a counseling center for troubled youth. Amy doesn’t want anyone to know she is doing it, because it may ruin her image. There is another student, Barry Rork who works there, and of course loves Amy but she thinks he is beneath her because he wears glasses. I think they try to infer that he is Jewish.

So Amy’s solution is…to get a boyfriend. Yes folks, that is how she thinks her parents will take her seriously. This gal needs therapy, stat. Also, Lila and Jessica are being cunts as usual and getting annoyed at Amy for being so self-centered and boy-crazy. I don’t even have to say hypocrite alert. So they freeze Amy out.

So Amy’s target is Tom McKay, tennis player extraordinaire and otherwise nondescriptive jock. Amy tries way too hard and Tom is obvs not interested. Barry is a friend of Tom’s and promises Tom he will try to keep Amy away and promises Amy to help her get Tom. Wheeee! I feel a spin-off rom-com coming on! Although Amy really comes on strong and chases him around and is totally oblivious to the fact that Tom is getting creeped out by her. Heeee! I love it when these broads get rejected.

Meanwhile, Enid’s cousin Jake comes to visit, and everybody loves him, and Jess and Lila try to get with him. And Tom plays tennis with him and when he is with him, he feels warm and fuzzy …down there. Alas, Jake is GAY!!!! I didn’t think that gays existed in Sweet Valley. Or were allowed to set foot in the town. Enid is a big ol’ homophobe when Jake tells her and Tom gets all weird when he finds out because BAM! suddenly he realizes he is gay. So he goes to Pro-Yo (Project Youth, duh) to talk about it and runs into Liz there (she is inerviewing Amy and Barry for The Oracle) and runs into Tom and of course has to meddle and becomes Tom’s informal counselor because she can’t help but stick her fucking nose in everyone else’s problems.

And Amy actually likes working at Pro-Yo and realizes she likes Barry, and Barry has glasses and thus no self-esteem to he settles for being second choice. So she gains some purpose and builds some character. Well, good for her I guess.

Finally Enid realizes that Jake is a person too, and Tom comes out to his friends, and everyone skips of hand in hand into the rainbow-colored sunset.

Thoughts:

Amy was always annoying, but reading this from her point of view made me think she is retarded. As in, actually retarded.

I love how the ghostwriter justifies that Jake is gay: he’s from San Francisco and that he has no attraction to either Lila or Jessica (because if you are guy and you don’t like them, there is no other possibilty…HATE!)

Ugh, the cover. Is that supposed to be Tom? And how does no one know he’s not gay? I think he is wearing foundation. And jeez, Amy looks BUSTED! A little like Sloth from the goonies.

I expected a post-script from Francine talking about how it’s okay to be gay and maybe a hotline, but maybe I expected too much, because all there was some feature on the reader of the month. Shannon Allison from Hawaii claims, “Reading about Regina’s death really taught me about drugs.” BWA! Reading about the twins size six figures gave me an eating disorder, so Shannon, we have something in common.

I’ll bet anyone a sundae at Casey’s that no book ever touches on sexuality issues ever again. Although….

Next time: Sweet Valley holds its first gay pride parade, and Elzabeth is in charge of the committee but falls into conflict when she cheats on Todd with the lesbian co-chair, but of course they make up in the end. Meanwhile, a new gay club opens up in town and Alice is called upon to design the interior, which makes her spend less time at home driving Ned into the arms of a wayward go-go boy. Mr. Collins moonlights as a shirtless bartender which gets him in trouble with the schoolboard, but the kids stage a sit in demanding they let him keep his job. In order to be more inclusive, Liz makes sure she adds gay rumors to her Eyes and Ears column. Meanwhile, Jessica is mistaken for a drag queen and asked to compete in a drag show., which she does just to win but then Lila gets jealous and also enters. At the last minute Jess gets hurt forcing Liz to compete at the last second, thus saving Sweet Valley Pride from cancellation. Bruce heads up the Sweet Valley Committee Against Gay Marriage, but then changes his tune when Tom and Jake ask him to officiate the wedding. Meanwhile, Winston discovers the cure for AIDS.

Grade: A

bonus: trainwreck

Posted on by
15

I posted some of this before, but here is the entire first episode in 2 parts. It is painful to watch. Every muscle in my body has cringed. I want to pretend this doesn’t exist, but it is worth it for the dance scene. Oh, bonus German Dutch subtitles. Were the nineties really that bad? Did we really dress like that? Notice they can’t get through the first episode with a Todd fight, a college guy, attempted rape, and a dance.

The one with the infamous Jessa Fields #32 The New Jessica

Posted on by
60

Firstly, I love the way people find their way here through internet searches.

Here are the most popular searches that have gotten people here:

  • Jessica boobs
  • touching boobs
  • Amy Wilkins (some fanfic maybe?)
  • bulimia tips

Nice, guys. Nice.

This one comes right after the whole Jeffrey French hoopla. Jessica is getting all pissypants after maybe one or two people mistake her for Liz. She is wearing Liz’s peach sweater knit dress (ew) so what should she expect? She feels she doesn’t have her own identity (I could call her some things that could give her an identity) so what better to solve this than…A MAKEOVER! Makeovers give her a sense of control in a world of chaos. Luckily, Lila’s Dad just recently tried to buy his daughter’s respect by bringing her back tons of stuff from Paris. I am surprised she lets Jess borrow it.

So Jessica’s makeover consists of:

  • dying her hair black
  • appearing paler
  • losing more weight to be “gaunt” (those exact words)
  • speaking in a “slightly” British accent (wtf?)
  • reading European fashion magazines
  • sipping capuccinos at Sweet Valley’s Eurotrash coffeeshop
  • renaming herself “Jessa Fields”

Of COURSE she makes a splash at SVH. I hate how Jessica always gets so much attention, it totally validates her borderline behavior. And the kids of SVH (all 5 of them) canNOT stop talking about Jessica. In fact, the day she shows up in school with her new look, “girls were jumping up to surround Jessica, touching her hair, walking around her to inspect her outfit, exclaiming excitedly”. Fucking please. And Ms. Dalton totally allows it.

One of the best.covers. ever!

Liz is rocking the Mom jeans. And the goddamn barettes, again. This is the sad part- Jessica’s outfit is kind of what people are wearing lately. In fact, I am a lil ashamed to say I wore something similar yesterday, A Blazer over a tunic with a chunky beaded necklace. Don’t worry, I’ll burn it. The belt over the shirt is even “back in”, as they say. I still don’t like it, I can’t stand clothes that defy functional purposes. And the hair would look good if it weren’t for those awwwwful bangs. I hate how it makes the wave over the forehead. It’s almost a little Donald Trump-esque.

Also, the one disappointing this is that SVH never really detailed outfits, which was my favorite part of most YA novels (I had a field day with Claud and Stacy’s outfits from the Baby-Sitters Club, and loved Sam’s stupid Mickey-Mouse boxes, suspenders, and red cowboy boot ensembles in Sunset Island) but here we get full descriptions!

  • “She had tied her hair back in a lose ponytail, and a few tendrils curled in wisps at her cheeks [I hate this look. Very Laura Ingalls Wilder]. Her eyes were drakened with lavish makeup- definately sultrier than her usual look. White powder helped achieve the ethereal , pale effect she was striving for….she was wearing an olive green leather skirt with a slit up the back. The skirt was so straight it was hard to walk. Matching hose with a lacy pattern and three-inch heels…a silky, oversized blouse and green leather belt worn on her hips…a chunky necklace and big gold earrings” ICK! So matchy-matchy!
  • “a black silk jumpsuit [cameltoe central] and red high-heeled boots…a red scarf completed the look…along with oversized earrings that Elizabeth thought were a but much for everyday.”
  • “a new outfit from Lisette’s [where else?]…a white, really slim-cut skirt that that was several inches longer than what she usually wore, with a white sweater with sequins on it. A white beret completed the look”. [I think this was the outfit I wore to my sixth grade class photo].

Liz gets really upset because she loves being a twin…I guess she forgot all the times Jessica fucks her over and stole her boyfriends. Liz even thinks Jeffrey likes Jessica’s new look and they have a dumb fight and Jessica even tries to make a move. Blah.

How many books does modeling have to be a central plot point? So everyone obvs tells Jess she should be a model so she goes to a photographer who tells her about a gig in the local dept store, but then they see Liz and they’re all, THAT’s what we want, a gorgeous, perfect size six California blonde with silky blonde hair and blue-green eyes. Well, not in those words, but you know what I mean. So finally Jess drops her look so she could be in the show, and then the twins BOTH get to be in the show! Yay! Happy ending! The moral is, beauty is more than skin deep. And by that I mean, you should always base your appearance on what a model casting agent tells you.

I was feeling very listy today!

Other thoughts:

Jess uses shampoo-in black dye that supposedly washes out after 2 washings. Uh, wouldn’t that rub off everywhere? And does that mean she didn’t wash her hair throughout the whole book?

Jessica thinks her new look makes her look “slightly Eastern”. Does she mean Eastern European? Middle Eastern? Wtf?

Oh, there’s a subplot where Liz thinks she loses her diary. Snoozefest 2007.

When complaining about her chores to Cara, she assumes Cara does the dishes and her brother takes out the trash. Obvs, how dare we go outside the gender norms.

Mr. Collins recognizes the peach dress that Jessica is wearing as the one that Liz wore a couple days ago. Why in the hell does he remember that? Dirty old man.

Jessica’s white outfit, the whole thing, cost $67. I know there’s inflation, but I thought Lisette’s was high-end fashion, not a loosely veiled version of Mandee.

Fun fact: the twins’ grandmother has a PhD in history. Random.

Also, I just realized that this book contained no school dance/picnic/auction/big game/danceathon! Omg! How did they survive?

Grade: A + +

Today’s poll: was there ever an outfit from tv/movie/books that you tried to emulate? Many of you know that I rocked the Brenda Walsh bangs through much of high school and college. I also was OBSESSED with the outfit MaryAnne Spier wore to the dance with Logan- the skirt with pictures of the Eiffel Tower and the words “London” and “Paris” and whatnot. I wanted one so bad, so my mom bought me some E.J. Gitano version of it. I can’t believe I admitted that.

The one where Liz and Todd go to the videomat, or #102 Almost Married

Posted on by
44

Alrghty, if you remember last time, Bruce’ Dad and Liz’s mom were supposedly having an affair. Liz’s Mom is jetting off again to Chicago to work for Hank “Hanky Panky” Patman and Ned is off in a lawyer business trip. I think these ghostwriters actually have no clue what lawyers/interior designers do. You’d think they wouldnt be so keen on leaving when last time, say, AN EVIL PSYCHOPATH TRIED TO KILL LIZ. Just a thought.

Todd’s parents are away too, so they decide to live together! Wh Wh Eh what? Don’ even worry, Todd is sleeping on the couch. What is the point? And they can’t tell anyone because it is seeewww scandalous! And we know that SVH loves meaningless, non-scandalous gossip!

So in order to keep Jess fom yapping, she has Todd do all her chores like cook her breakfast. You would think this is awkward, considering he and Jess had a thing. But hilarity ensues when Todd tried to make bacon and French Toast.

So Liz is a total BEAST this whole time. You would think I couldn’t hate her more. Oh, but wait. Liz is supposed to be all sensitive and shit, but she keeps running off with Bruce because they have a connection. And if Todd looks at her the wrong way, she has a hissy fit and the world stops, but she can blow off Todd while he is living at her house to go splash around with Bruce in the pool. Her parents aren’t here, and she can bone her boyfriend on the kitchen table whenever she wants, and she is running off to do research on her parents.

Bruce and Liz spend time on campus where her parents met and relive the memories. Alice was a activitst (read: dirty hippie) and Hank was a frat boy, but there ws a sit-in and and Hank drove a fucking helicopter and dropped some food for the activists. Uh, okay. Liz declares she’s in love with Bruce and its weird because they may be siblings. They really throw around the word love too much. I know they are teens, but come on here.

Finally there is a party and Bruce and Liz make out and Todd finds them and then Liz dives in the pool, hits her head and Todd relalizes he loves her and all is well.

Edited to add: the parents come home during the party and Liz gets in trouble for having a party and have Todd stay over. In yer FACE Liz! Also, the parents are not having an affair. Alice left Hanky at the altar. They are just friends now.

Bleccccchhhhh.

Thoughts:

Gradually people find out they are living together and it is the talk of the school! Because the Wakefields are always the center of attention.

Bruce is supposed to be in love with this Pamela gal, who- you won’t blieve this- ia actual nice and down to earth, and not annoying. Bruce dumps her ass.

I actually like the way the twins look at the top of the cover. They have some wicked bangs, the kind that start way far back. And actually their faces are round and full, which I am inclined to say look really great but we really know what it means…bulimia bloat. And Todd actually looks 16. He has an overbite, it’s kind of cute.

In the back of this book, there is the opportunity to join the SVH fancub! Here’s what you get for the low price of $6.25:

  • A membership card with your own personal Fan Club ID number
  • A Sweet Valley High Secret Treasure Box
  • Sweet Valley High Stationery
  • Official Fan Club Pencil (for secret note writing)
  • Three bookmarks
  • A “Members Only” Doorhanger
  • Teo Skeins of embroidery floss with flower barrette instruction leaflet
  • Two editions of The Oracle newsletter

Did anyone have this? Sounds like a fucking blast. Did it also come with a raging STI and some laxatives/diet pills?

Anyone join this?

My grade: C-

Next time: Jessa Fields, anyone?

The one where Jeffrey French moves to town and everyone wants a piece, or #31 Taking Sides

Posted on by
34

I especially hate this cover. Elizabeth’s yellow barettes match her yellow shirt. Jessica’s hair irritates me. She is really balding, it seems. And it’s all feathered. It looks like what happens when I leave my hair wet and unbrushed and let it airdry. Ick.

Jeffrey French is making a big splash- Enid and Lila both like him. So Liz helps Enid get with him and Jessica helps Lila get with him because she can’t stand to see a hottie like Jeffrey with a drip like Enid. Kind of have to agree with her. So Lila turns on the usual charm and Enid acts like an ass and whines and never does anything to approach Jeffrey, she relies on Liz to set things up. Lila does what a usual 16 year old would do, which is a have a pool party and invite Jeffrey and purposely not invite Liz and Enid. Liz decides to get to know Jeffrey more so she can help him get with Enid. He works on the Oracle as a photographer so they chat a lot and of course like each other because if you don’t want to date a Wakefield twin, there is obviously something wrong with you.

Ok, stupid school event: a charity auction that students use canned food to bet and then the proceeds go to charity. I am not sure what they will do with all the food, the one poor person in Sweet Valley just became a Patman. Maybe give it to Betsey Martin’s drunk father? Or Jade Wu’s friend with the single Mom who we never hear from again? Guess who is the chair of the auction? Fucking Elizabeth. So Enid convinces Liz to make Jeffrey auction off himself so Enid can bid on him. Great idea Enid, pay to go out with him. Fucking idiot. The auction is for services, and here are the things being auctioned off.

  • A tape of the Droids playing live (barf)
  • A home made dinner cooked by Mr. Collins (please help this man set professional boundaries)
  • A pen that the history teacher used to mark papers (I’ll bet Liz bet a million cans on that)
  • A candid pic of Bruce in his bathing suit (BWAH!)

Again, WHERE ARE THE ADULTS? That is so not appropriate to do. Seriously, I am sure Bruce loved the attention, but I small a lawsuit.

Subplot: The Wakefield’s “little” cousin Jenny comes to visit. She is fifteen, a year younger, and they make her act like a mentally challenged eight year old. Guess why she’s annoying? Sigh. I can’t even say it. Because she’s a few lbs overweight, which is the kiss of death in Sweet Valley. And wears glasses. OH MY GOD DOES SHE HAVE NO SHAME? She clings to Jessica because obvs Jessica is the epitome of what every teen should be like. She tags along with Jessica on some dates with this guy Eddie, and Jessica gets annoyed that Eddie seems to be polite to Jenny and talking to her, but it turns out he likes Jenny because they like “stupid” things, like books, old movies and classical music. Yea, that’s bullshit, real people just like cheerleading, Pi Beta Alpha, and shopping at Lisette’s. HATE! At least Jessica didn’t get the guy.

Thoughts:

This time when describing the twins, ghost writer adds: “they had the kind of looks that make California girls famous around the world”. First of all, HATE! Second, I believe David Lee Roth gets the credit for that.

Oh, and throughout this thing, Liz HAD NO IDEA why she felt weird around Jeffrey. How in the hell did she not realize she liked him? They’re sixteen, hormones are raging.

Well, we do learn some things about Jeffrey- he is from Oregon (woot!), likes soccer and photogaphy. That description alone makes him about 100% more complex than all the characters combined. Also, he’s kind of a tool. And probably gay.

Alice actually acted like a parent and told Jess to stfu when she was complaining about Jenny. Thank you for finally disciplining your spoiled, sociopath daughter.

Grade: C-

Poll: which one of the auction items would you take? They are all pretty bad. Sadly, I’d take the pic of Bruce.

The one where someone actually allows Jessica near their children or #101 The Boyfriend War

Posted on by
22

Seriously, did it really take a 100 books to use this title? I feel like it could be the title of every SVH book.

Ow wow, Jessica and Lila are brutal! First of all, it is nice to see that Jessica has completely forgot about when some crazy lookalike tried to murder her sister and several of her boyfriends died horrible, gruesome deaths. Well, who wouldn’t? it’s Spring Break! WOOO HOOOO!!!! Jessica is bragging to everyone that Lila invited her on a trip to the Carribean to her Uncle’s resort. It totally sounds like its a Sandals resort, which on my list of places to go on vacation, would be my absolute last place to go. Well, second last. Disneyworld is my last.

Liz is staying home working on a school project, because she is a fucking nerd. Todd is away with his parents, so for this book we get a break from his doucheyness. Olivia and Enid are in town, so the nerd brigade goes daily to see old classic movies. Okay, I have to admit, I can’t make fun because I actually wish my friends were organized enough to have a somewhat cool activity like that. But these gals are sixteen, it seems a bit off.

Alice, on the other hand, got offered a consulting job (aren’t all interior designers consultants? I mean, they don’t just keep redesigning the same place over and over again. Anyway.) with Henry Wilson Patman in Chicago, so she is off to there (no doubt filling her days with eating deep dish pizza and seeing the Sears Tower) Bruce has his speedo in knots because his parents are fighting and he suspects that Alice W. and Hanky are having an affair. He’s not upset about his parents, he’s upset that it breaks the perfect image of his family. Omg, that is like sooooo Bruce.

So Elizabeth’s school project is doing some research and a report on a family members life. She is reseacing her mother, because Alice is so fascinating! And successful! And blonde! And this! And could be the twins’ older sister! She finds a wedding picture of Alice and Hank and suspects that they were once married and confirms her suspicions about the affair.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila arrive at Club Paradise, and Jessica finds that they are to be counselors for the week at the Kiddie Kabana, and Lila tricked her into coming to do it. That was pretty fucking mean of Lila, so she and Lila stop talking. [Why does Lila have to do this? Can't she get out of working? Doesn't make sense at all.] Jessica is in charge of seven kids, and they all have names and personalities but honestly I just skimmed because I personally dislike children, and what is this a Baby-Sitters Club book? For real. Anyway, they are unruly, and I honestly can’t blame them because their parents are taking a vacation to an island resort and don’t want to spend time with them. However, Jessica is horrible to them and calls them brats to their faces and yells at them to shut up. Yeesh. They also embarass her when she does her morning perfance (don’t ask).

Of course, she is totally judgemental about the other couselors. They are not pretty enough to hang out with and one of them – OH MY GOD – is overweight. ick! How do they let her walk around in public? Apparently, the only person worthy of being her friend is Lila, but they are still ot speaking and Lila totally has control over her kids. We get a pov from Julia (the chub) and of course she is in awe of Jessica and Lila and the only thing to boost her self-worth is to gain acceptance from them.

So starting with this book, I think they totally overhauled the ghost writing team, because this almost seems like a different book. I am not saying the themes and characters get any better, but for some reason the writing is…a bit snarkier. But the plots get more and more ludicrous, so that’s always fun.

Meanwhile, there is a beefcake windsurfing instructor at the resort named Mick and he is apparetly the most.gorgeous,guy.ever. He is described is being tall and lean, broad shoulders, and incredible tan, and hair that shone like silk. Here’s the first thought that popped into my mind when picturing him: a teenage Fabio. Complete with the accent. So of course all Jessica has to do is flick her hair and put on a skimpy bikini and he runs up to her and professes his love. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why these ruined my childhood. I of course believed that I just had to wait around for a guy to randomly profess his love for me, and it was unecessary to be proactive or show anything about my personality. Unfortnately, my extra llbs and Brenda Walsh bangs didn’t invite this much, so I was a bit crushed.

Mick professes his love to Jessica after 5 minutes on their cheesy date. He speaks in stupid cliches and puns. He is a total ass and Jessica falls for it. Meanwhile, he is also professing his love to Lila. Mick is a alsoa dick and conceited. He’s literally all, “Aren’t I your type? Do you go for tal, attractive guys with great bodies and long, sexy hair?” and “Our kids would be gorgeous and blond, because we are gorgeous and blond”. Gross.

They STILL fall for it, and one day meet each other on the beach and play a game of chicken with Mick and another guy from the club, and they beat the shit out of each other. Hence the cover:

Uh, I presume the guy on the left is Mick. EEEEWWWW he’s got a bowl cut and is wearing bike shorts. Lila looks purty, and I want to smack Jessica, which Lila does. Hard.

So finally, they find out about his two-timing and make up so they can scheme. Turns out Mick is also dating about 6 other girls at the time, including Julia and omg HOW DUMB of her to think that a guy like Mick could like a chub. Take that lesson home, folks. They get back at him at the camp talent show and use him in their magic act, and chop of his prized locks and dye it purple. Don’t tease the queens of all teases, folks!

We end with Liz imgining Alice and Hank getting married, and she and Jess becoming Bruce’s stepsisters. Now THAT is a book I’d want to read.

Other thoughts:

I hate Jessica. Just so you know.

Amy Sutton wants to be a pain in the ass and borrow Elizabeth’s great great grndmother for her own project- the bitch who was in the circus. We totally get reference to the Sweet Valley Saga, where we hear about all the perfect, size six blonde ancestors of the twins.

Finally, after about 95 books, Bruce acknowledges the amnesia incident:

Bruce had never liked Elizabeth Wakefield- in fact, he thought of her as one of the most uptight, sanctimonius kids at schoo. [I'd actually have to agree with Bruce there.] Actually, he reminded himself, there was that one time, early in the school year. Elzabeth had amnesia and her defenses were down. Bruce had tried to take advantage of her- what guy wouldn’t?

WTF? Way to excuse yourself from your behavior. Yea, any guy would have probably tried to rape her, so he was just doing what any guy would do, so he is not at fault.

Grade: B+

Poll: If you could have SVH do a crossover with other dumb YA series, what would it be? I’d like to see a Sunset Island crossover series, where Jessica and Samantha would dress is hideously slutty 80s outfits and fight over the members of Flirting With Danger. And Liz and Carrie can nerd out together. And Lila and Emma can play “who’s richer?” I should start writing fanfiction. Or not.