Monthly Archives: August 2007

bonus feature: SVH for grown ups

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I wanted to put together a list of some SVH-esque “grown up” books. So if you love the ludicrosity of SVH, you can try these out.

Valley of the Dolls

You mom probably read this one. It’s so ridiculous. Three ladies in the sixties go to the big city to discover their dreams, but they all end up addicted to pills. I don’t even know what kind of pills. THe cheesy dialogue, stereotyped gender roles, the cheesy lovey dovey talk, the insipid plot twists- it’s all there.

Flowers In the Attic

My father bought me this when I was about ten years old to read in our car trip to Florida. I was kind of horrified that my father liked this book, and wanted me to read something about incest. It’s pretty much about 30 SVH plot points combined, in a book that is actually good (the rest of the series deteriorated into total trash, but good trash).

Prep

Let me note that this is probably one of the best books I have read in my life. This might have been my autobiography if I attened a boarding school. The actual book is not like a SVH book, but it is about a “normal” character thrust into a Sweet Valley-esque world.

Less Than Zero

Bret Easton Ellis is not everyone’s cup of tea, but he paints such a bleak view of listless, rich kids in California.

The Other Boleyn Girl

Oh my god, this was horrendous, but I could not put it down. It is essentially SVH transplanted into Tudor England. The backstabbing, the deceit, the shallowness, etc. Essentially, Anne Boyelyn is Jessica and Mary Boleyn is Elizabeth.

Any others?

The one where the Swiss invent the miracle cure for deafness, or #18 Head Over Heels

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Sorry, going old school for this one. Regina and Bruce are in lurrrrve. You know how we know they are in lurve? They sit in Bruce’s Porsche and murmur sweet nothings to each other. Except Regina needs to be looking right at Bruce, since she lipreads, so I don’t know if and how that interferes with the cuddling. Anyway, Bruce is a changed man. No more date raping girls with amnesia or anything like that. In fact, Regina is the first girl he tells he loves, and Bruce is the first boy that Regina has kissed. For a second, and I mean a SECOND, it kind of softened my heart a little.

Lila is still totes jealous of Regina, because there is only room for one rich brunette. Apparently there is room for two size six blondes, thank god. Jessica is still bitter Bruce dumped her ass and is basically a selfish heartless cunt, so she doesn’t want to see anyone happy, so she really wants them to break up. Jessica and Lila make a bet about their longevity- and the loser has to write the other person’s history term paper. AND it’s 15 pages long. Remember is high school when anything over 5 pages was like writing a novel? Of course this is the mid-80s so no computers, so maybe it’s handwritten. Anyway, why I am fixated on that?

Meanwhile, SVH is holding a carnival (along with dances, they have picnics, carnivals and talent shows ever week) and oh guess who is chairing the committee. Yes, fucking Liz Wakefield. The committee consists of what I guess is the only members of the junior class, so Liz, Todd, Enid, Ken Olivia and Roger, and Todd. Todd acts like a tool at all the meetings and makes bad puns. Winston won’t shut up and keeps trying too hard. Mr. Collins is advising, duh. Apparently you have to run a campaign to be president of the Centennial Committee. [Did I dream it, or is there another book in which they have a Centennial Carnival? Anyone? Anyone?] Ken wants to job, put is peeved when Bruce signs up to run also. Bruce is actually doing it as a surprise fo Regina (yea, cuz that’s the way to woo a high school girl).

Meanwhile, Regina’s fam breaks the news to her: there is a doctor in Switzerland that can cure her deafness. Wow! That’s amazing! That is great news for the deaf community! It’s a mirac–oh. It cost a thousan jillion dollars and only super-rich deaf people can benefit. Fantastic. Regina has to move to Sweden to undergo the treatment. She doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t want to leave Bruce. She doesn’t tell Bruce so she won’t feel guilty.

Jessica, wanting to win her bet, tells Regina that Bruce is only dating her so he can gain credibility and win the Centennial committee election. Only a moron would believe that. So, naturally Regina does. So she breaks up with Bruce and decides to go to Switzerland after all. Liz of course becomes Meddley McMeddlesalot and and tells Bruce about Regina’s cure and how he can’t tell her he loves her so she may not go. So essentially, they manipulate her. Bruce writes Regina a letter to read on the plane, and it is so awful (awesome) I have to reprint it.

Dear Regina,

By the time you read this, it will be too late to change your mind about the treatments. And you musn’t change your mind, my dearest. [Yes, teenage boys love to use musn't. And dearest? Is he in the Victorian era?]- not for anything. Elizabeth told me everythind, and I must admit that at first all I could think of was rushing over to your house and putting things right again. I never cared about anything but you. I signed up to run in the election last Thursday- exactly five days ago. I was wrong not to mention it to you at once, but I wanted to surprise you if I won. I can’t believe you could ever imagine my using you. I love you with all my heart, and always will [unless you one day die from a drug overdose]. In fact it’s because I love you that I can’t explain this all to you before Friday. If there’s the slightest chance that you might be able to hear again one day after these treatments, you must go through them. I’m, not selfish enough to let you stay in Sweet Valley for my sake, Regina. But I’m too selfish to let you go thinking badly of me. You must know that I’ve loved you with all my heart from the first. [first what? Ghost writers, finish the phrase!]

Awwww. This sounds like my fifth grade self attempting to write a romance novel. Which I did attempt, by the way. Don’ even ask me about it, it is long gone. I made sure I burned that shit. Anyhoo, Jessica obvs loses the bet and Lila writes her history paper and gets a bad grade. So I guess that is supposed to teach you not to cheat? Or that if you do cheat, make sure you pick someone who is smart? Oh and the carnival is a success, blah blah.

Covergoodness! Sorry to say, but Regina does not look like model material. And Bruce is a hottie pitottie. It’s that cleft chin, gets me everytime. Or maybe it’s the pleated chinos. And the fearthered hair. He looks about 30 years older than her.

Other stuff:

Regina has dinner at the Patman estate. Bruce’s mom yells when she is talking to Regina. Marie Patman is such a peach.

Winston runs a booth at the carnival where people can pay to throw pies at him. Oh Winston, making people laugh with you is not going to stop them from laughing at you.

Jess describing Olivia Davidson: “she dresses like a freak in Indian cotton dresses and funny sandals and doesn’t care about anything but drawing and poety. A fate worse than death”. Actually, for me, a fate worse than death is to hang around with a vapid blond twin. But that’s just me.

Oh, Lila flirts with a construction worker she meets at her dad’s office. Ooooo, a working class man! Hawt. I think it’s the setup for the next book.

In the back of the edition of the book I have, there is an exerpt from a Francine book called Loving, about a rich, pretty vapid girl in a boarding school. I think I did read this series. Anyway, if you have the book and read it’s it’s awesome, and actually even more awesome (worse) than SVH. I wish I could find it somewhere.

My grade: B-

Okay, let’s get down to the nitty gritty with this week’s poll. It’s going to be your old standard “who would you rather do”

Nicholas Morrow / Steven Wakefield

Bruce Patman / Ken Matthews

Next time: the miniseries where the twins’ mother and Bruce’s dad supposedly have an affair, Todd moves in, and Liz gets with Bruce again. In other words, awesomeness. I know lots of you have been requesting stuff, but some of the books I don’t have (yet). I am currently on ebay bidding on Return of the Evil Twin and the pom-pom wars miniseries, but I don’t want to jinx it.

The one where all of Jessica’s boyfriends die or #100, The Evil Twin

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As someone mentioned earlier, Margo, aka the evil twin, is good because she “gets shit done”. I totally agree. But let’s go back to the beginning.

So as I started reading this, I realized it was sixth in a miniseries and was worried that I should have read the first few before this. Then I realized that my IQ is over 40 and I would have no problem. Some background: Jess and Liz were in competition for Jungle Prom queen, and Jess wanted Liz to look like an idiot so she spiked her punch. She accidentally spiked her boyfriend’s Sam’s punch too, and then they drove off and Liz killed him. There was a trial and shit, and in the meantime Jessica stole Todd for a while but then there was a not guilty verdict and Todd is back with Liz, but needless to say, Jess and Liz are talking. Meanwhile, Margo, who is a fucked up foster child who HAPPENS TO LOOK IDENTICAL TO THE TWINS, is on her way to SV to take over Liz’s identity after seeing her picture in the papers. Along the way, Margo killed lots of people, including some boy named Georgie. Georgie’s bro, Josh, is on Margo’s tail to take her down. Margo also hired some guy, James, so spy on the twins, but meanwhile he has fallen in love with Jessica. Because no one can ever not fall in love with them.

I feel bad for Jess- all her boyfriends dying. I mean, I hate Jessica, but isn’t that a little much to put her through? I did start to feel a lil bad for her. And why the hell do boys always fall in love with her? I mean, in high school years “love” really means “lust” but let’s just call it like we see it and not have guys professing their innermost feelings for her, but rather just trying to get into her pants.

Oh, and Jess and Liz are not talking to each other. Because at one point during the trial, Jessica intercepted some love letters from Todd and had her way with them. Also, Liz doesn’t know that Jess was the one that spiked the punch. They both have dreams about the incident, cuz their twins, they have a connection. I guess it must be the matching size six figures.

Finally, Margo gets the same dress as Liz and goes to Lila’s New Year’s Eve ball and lures Liz into a boathouse intending to kill her, but Jessica and Josh show up in time to push Margo through a glass window onto concrete, and a shar of glass goes through her jugular. Didn’t that happen in Ghost?. Good times. Murder always makes for a happy ending.

Ok, plotline out the way.

Showing you the cover here is kind of pointless, because it is a SPECIAL fold out cover, and the inner flap shows Margo dressed as Elizabeth weilding a knife, and Liz showing fear. Also, an inset of the twins in bathrobes opening presents under the tree, and they look about 47. If you own the book you can enjoy it yourselves.

Margo is batshit crazy. No doubt. Something about her growing up in foster homes and being abused. Okay, I’ll give her that, but she kills anybody in her way just for the chance to become a Wakefield. Seriously, Francine makes it seem as if you don’t grow up in a heterosexual nuclear family, you are a lunatic. Suzanne Devlin was a sociopath because she had neglectful parents, Lila is all fucked up because of her broken home, Tricia Martin and the whole town drunk dad thing, etc. etc. Like the Wakefields are the perfect family- pshah. Do Alice and Ted realize one of their twins is a raging cock tease and the other one is a condescending hypocrite?

Speaking of Ned and Alice, Margo hatched a plan to send them on a fake trip to San Francisco on some “lawyer consulting” thing. With a big-shot lawyer that Ted is, why in the hell did he fall for the bait? Well, as soon as they get to San Fran of course they do the toursity stuff- Fisherman’s Warf, Golden Gate, blah blah. I’s like to see Alice end up at Haight-Ashbury and reminisce about her hippy days. Anyway. Alice starts getting mother’s intuition that something is wrong and they try to get home despite train derailings and shit. I hate when they write from the adults’ point of view. It’s insulting.

Ok, so Margo apparently looks so much like the twins she sneaks into the house a lot and pretends to be them. Uh, even their mother couldn’t tell them apart? She also goes shopping with Lila and hangs out with Enid, and they are none the wiser. They just think their friend is in a weird mood. Whatever. Also, didn’t they have a dog, Prince Albert? Where did it go? Wouldn’t the dog detect strangers? Ghost writers, check your notes!!!!

Margo also went out with Todd and they made out and shit, and Todd didn’t say anything. He just thought it was Jessica. What a dick boyfriend.

I love how it is ony Christmastime, and apparently everything that happened in the last 99 books took place over three months. Including several spring breaks, summer trips, etc. Gotta love warped Sweet Valey time. Also, the day before Christmas vacation, every class at SVH has a party. Wtf?

Ken Matthews dressed up as Santa to deliver candy canes. What? Is he showing a hint of personality?

Also, a Jungle Prom? What is going on with that? I’m kind of offended.

Jessica’s friends really don’t offer her support after James dies, because they don’t know what to say. Assholes.

Can I mention that I am still reeling at the possibility that there is a lunatic foster child that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE TWINS??? This is the likedaytime soap fodder.

Now, here is the big question. Why does everyone worship the Wakefield twins? People are dying to be friends with them, idolize them, and go on a killing rampage to become one of them. Surely, SOMEONE must hate them with a passion. Even when they treat one like shit (ahem, Robin Wilson) they still come crawling back for approval/acceptance, and this drives me fucking crazy. My god, Jessica has screwed over countless boys, I am sure they are not too happy with her. She basically hates and ridicules other girls, so there must be some goth/alterna chick at SVH who hates her. And Liz…she acts all perfect and sweet, but we know she is a hypocrite. If we ever saw them in classes, I have a feeling that Liz would be such a know-it-all and a teacher’s pet. Even through grad school there was always one of those in every class and I always loathed them. I mean, this is high school. Jealousy and exclusion are enough to fuel school shootings. Also, have you ever known someone where other people keep telling you how awesome they are and that alone makes you kind of hate them a little? Maybe that’s just me.

My grade: B. The later ones seem to have a totally different feel, and are way dumber. In a good way.

Next time: I got a whole new batch of books from ebay, so I don’t know. I want to get into the trilogies, but there are so many other shit-tastic ones from the 50s and 60s. We shall see.

Today’s poll: If you could look identical to a SVH character and murder them and take over their life, who would it be? I would say Penny Ayala, and turn the boring Oracle into an underground anarchist publication.

The one with the star-crossed lovers or #34, Forbidden Love

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Ok, I want t get through this one quickly, because I just got a whole new batch of SVHs in the early 100s and am anxious to do those. Like when they get chased by werewolves and shit. Someone gave me an ebay gift certificate from my birthday and I was in a major biddng war for a set of books. You’d think at age thirty I’d be, I don’t know, buying property, but no, I buy SVH books.

Enough about me, let’s talk about these two crazy kids, Michael and Maria. They get engaged. In high school. Everyone thinks its seeeewwww romantic. But wait! They are forboden to see each other because their parents hate each other. Not because of an old family fued or because they come from different sides of the tracks, but because their father got into a fight over a business merger. Only in Sweet Valley can capitalism tear lovers apart.

Conveniently, in one of heir classes, they are doing the whole thing where they are paired up in marriages and have to do budgets and shit. Did anyone ever do that in school? I had a home ec class where I baked muffins and sewed a pillow, but that was about it. Well, wouldn’t you know, Michael and maria are paired up there too. They fight a lot about the budget and Michael wants Maria to stay home with the kids and wash his feet and be subserviant.

Meanwhile, in real life, they are having problems. Namely, Michael is a controlling, dominating sexist asshole. Maria wants to tell their parents but Michael doesn’t. Maria is Winston’s campaign manager for PTA representative and Michael is controlling and jealous and forbids her to do it.

Lila throws a surprise engagement party for them but M & M have a big fight in the middle and their parents find out about the party from aother SVH parent. When they arrive to confront their kids, they have a big laugh about their fight, and Maria makes out with Winston. The end.

The best part of this one: The cover. No way in hell these kids are sixteen. It looks like the cover to a shitty romance novel, you know the ones without the sex scenes. Or for an advertisement for Summer’s Eve. Michael looks like Ken Marino (go see The Ten if you can). Those are some serious pleats.

Other thoughts:

This was just overall dreadful.

Wow, apparently the campaign for the PTA rep is really huge, and I have no idea why. At least five people are running and candidates have actual speechwriters. it sounds like a shitty job to me. They have to attend PTA meetings and have no power in student governent. I really don’t get this school.

They do another chapter from the perspective of the adults- namely their parents. It is such bad writing, I can barely read it without cringing.

Winston was actually cute in this one and kind of makes a good boyfriend. I’m glad he gets some in this book.

Did I mention that this one was fucking awful?

My grade: F

Next time: THE EVIL TWIN!

Poll: which is the lesser of evils?

a. being Lila’s maid for a day
b. listening to a story Liz wrote
c. having unprotected sex with Bruce Patman
d. being Jewish in Sweet Valley

The Fresh Prince of Sweet Valley, or #16 Rags to Riches

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Just a warning, this one is so beyond ridiculous. Everyone’s annoying personality traits are magnified by about a thousand. And I want to fucking kill them all.

Jessica’s boobs look really weird. And Roger looks…not right. Like he has the smirk of an annoying sitcom little brother. On the body of a 35 year old. If his collar was popped anymore, it would turn into a display rack at Hollister.

If you remember, Roger is so poor that -gasp!- he has to work as a janitor after school to support his single mother. Apparently, at the end of the past book, Roger’s mother dies of cancer. After she dies he finds out he is part of the Patman family and heir to the Patman inheritance- his father was actually Bruce’s dad’s brother. So now he is living in the Patman estate. And the patmans are planning on throwing a big party at the Sweet Valley country club to instroduce Roger as a patman into a society. Almost like a debutante coming out thing, I guess.

How convenient that at the beginning of the book Roger is recapping the last few weeks’ events to his girlfriend Olivia. Ok,so his mother worked for Henry (Bruce’s dad) and Paul, his brother. Paul had an affair with Mama Barrett, got her knocked up and then died in a fiery crash. Unbeknownst to everyone, he left his inheritance to Rog. As he tells it,

“I guess my mother fell in love with Paul Patman, and they spent more and more time together, and-” Roger stopped, his face turning red. “I understand, Roger” Olivia said softly.

Mama Barrett was fooling around with Patman and gets knocked up. AND ROGER IS TOO EMBARASSED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Like 16 year old boys are embarassed to talk about sex. I swear, everyone in Sweet Valley has no genitals, like Alan Rickman in Dogma.

Jessica feels she lost her chance to hang around the Patman family when she struck out with Bruce, so she decides she wants to be Roger’s date to the big party, not Olivia. So they are at a BBQ at the patman’s and she sucks up to Mrs. Patman, Bruce’s mom and Roger’s aunt. Mama Patman likes Jessica’s je ne sais quoi (i.e., her Aryan good looks) and helps Jessica plot to get Olivia out of the picture. See, the Patmans don’t approve of Olivia, because-gasp!- she has frizzy hair! And wears flowy skirts and sandals! And likes poetry! How is she not stoned on the streets of Sweet Valley?

Meanwhile, Roger is having a hard time living at the Patman’s. Bruce is being a big dick to him, and Mama Patman hates him. Because he likes to run and not play tennis. Or some other dumb reason. He feels out of place at the Patman estate. His bedroom is large and wooden and has a large four poster bed. What? They don’t let him decorate? He has to live in a replica of a Tudor’s bedroom? He is at a dinner party for the Patman’s friends and he spills wine or something and Bruce and mama P act as if he killed someone. Papa Patman (who we are told is called Henry Wilson Patman) is the only one that is nice to Roger and tried to make him feel welcome. How is he not aware that his wife is a wicked old harpy and his son is a date rapist?

Meanwhile, Jess starts sucking up to Olivia and pretends to help her become someone the patmans would approve of. Liv continually feels like an ass and assumes she is embarassing Roger. For one, at a BBQ she feels like an ass because…she has a full plate of food. Yup, that makes her an ass because she eats more than 400 calories a day.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

This is incredibly infuriating. If Olivia is supposed to be all independent and free spiritied, why should she care about changing her image and fall for Jessica’s manipulations? And if she and Rog are supposed to be so close, WHY DOESN’T SHE JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT? Ugh. Way to make your semi-respectable characters act like shitheads.

Oh wait, it gets worse. Olivia is supposedly one of Elizabeth’s bffs, so you would think she would get suspicious of Jessica’s interest and I don’t know, maybe defend Olivia? But no, Liz decides she should just mind her own business and let Olivia suffer alone. What an asshole.

Jessica takes Olivia shopping at a trendy boutique, and Olivia remarks that she can’t tell which are the salesgirls and which are the mannequins. Apparently, she’s retarded.

Liz is busy being a total douche to another friend- Reginia Morrow, the rich deaf girl, has been leaving early from school. So, instead of just, oh, I don’t know, asking her friend if she is okay, she and Todd gossip like little girls about it and sneak around and follow her when she leaves after school. They see her with an older ma downtown. Lila is totes jealz of Regina because Regina usurped her position as the only rich brunette teenager in Sweet Valley, and also sees Regina with the older guy and spreads the rumor round that Regina has a sugar daddy. Obvs, this is juicy news over in SVH because they give a shit about the dumbest things.

Oh, so it turns out the older guy is the editor of Ingenue magazine (I guess it is like Cosmo?) and his job is to scout out young teenage girls to profile and model for the cover. Yup, that’s his job. Also, how convenient that the headquarters of a major mag is in SVH.

Reginia is profiled because of her ability to overcome the struggle of being deaf. Okay, no disrespect to the deaf community, but….has Reginia really struggled? her parents are loaded and therefore have been able to get her every treatment available and even had her in a special private school for the deaf her whole life. Not everyone deaf child has that luxury. Also, she is lauded for being able to lip-read perfectly and speak “perfectly”. Again, isn’t that conforming to dominant society and seeing her deafness as abnormal?

In reading this I was already up to my armpits in ridiculousness, but here is the kicker. We learn why Regina is deaf. Her mother used to be a famous model, and when she got preggers with Regina, she was going to quit, but she got one more offer to do a swimsuit shoot, but was told she needed to lose ten ponds, so she took a lot of diet pills which ruined Regina’s ears in the womb. THE FUCK? This made mama Morrow have to give up modeling, and ever since Regina was born, she also had hoped that Regina could model omeday. EVER SINCE SHE WAS BORN? Isn’t that the most awful expectation for a child? Francine thought she was making a tragic background story, I guess.

So back to the Patmans. Jessica tells Olivia the dress she made for herself is fugly, and embarasses her while playing tennis with Bruce and Roger, and other stuid manipulative stuff. Olivia finally breaks up with Roger over it. Both of them are so fucking stupid about it. Jessica convnces doormat Roger to take her to the country club. When they are there he realizes his mistake and declares his love for Olivia in front of everyone, much to Mama Patman’s chagrin. Papa Patman sets her straight and says that Roger is part of the family, so fucking deal with it. Papa patman is the only bearable person in the story.

Other thoughts:

Roger really doesn’t ever mention his grief over his dead mother…

Mama Patman walks around is silk loungewear holding a martini glass. What is this, Falcon Crest?

The SVH cafeteria serves Hungarian ghoulash, in case you cared. Why is Lila eating school lunch anyway?

In his free time, Bruce heads up to the university to cruise on college girls. Do they really want to hang around with a high school boy?

Also, Bruce apparently wears a teeny tiny speedo. Todd says it looks like a band-aid. Gay much?

Contiuity error: is this really the first time Jessica is meeting the Patmans? When she was dating Bruce, didn’t she hang around with them at the country club?

Do these kids ever go to a class?

In every book, one of the twins thinks about how lucky they are to live in Sweet Valley and how they couldn’t believe anyone would want to live anywhere else. Except for the racism, close-mindedness and lack of bars, it sounds like a dream.

Starting a new tradition: a poll with each entry. Today’s question:

Who is more of a DILF?

a. Ned Wakefield
b. Henry Wilson Patman
c. George Fowler
d. Roger Collins

Bonus features: auto edition

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So I was wasting time before a meeting today and was searching randome crap and we had been talking about antiques cars lately, so I thought I’d actually try to get an idea of what a Fiat Spyder actually looked like. For research purposes, obviously, so I can make a more critical analysis of the complex lives of the Wakefields.

Pretty cute, right? I nver really understood the appeal of a convertable until I moved to California a few weeks ago. This is what Liz drives home after a grueling meeting with Mr. Collins and the Oracle staff. Or what Jessica takes to the beach.

A black Porsche, duh, but I searched for one from about 1985. Here’s a visual for when Bruce drugs young impressionable girls and has his way with them in the backseat while parked at Miller’s point.

Finally, Lila drives a lime green Triumph. Francine is really into antique cars. You would think Lila would have a lexus or a beamer. Well, I guess new money buys you a Triumph. It’s pretty cute.

The one with the crash landing or #20 Crash Landing!

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Ok, when I say this one was bad, I don’t mean like so bad it was good, I mean so fucking stupid. George Warren, Enid’s boyf, has fallen in love with former fatty Robin Wilson while they are taking flying classes. [cue needle scratching across record]

Um, what? Flying lessons? The last I heard of any teenagers taking flying lessons was when Theo and Cockroach convinced their parents to let them do it and then decided it was too expensive. Why the fuck is Robin taking flying classes? Isn’t she too busy cheerleading and losing weight at explosive rates? I know they are rich kids, but please.

So George takes Enid up in his plane one last time before he plans on dumping her (uh, why?) but they crash land in the water. See how the book got its title? So Enid is now paralyzed and George feels guilty for wanting to dump her and reluctantly stays with her. Enid knows about him and Robin but manipulates George into staying with her. They even go to a dance (it is Friday, after all) and Enid really sees that George is really in love with Robin and needs to let go. Um, sad?

But, she still can’t walk and Liz thinks it’s psychosomatic. So she hatches a plan using Mr. Collins son Teddy. This is rull appropriate. She leaves him in the pool with Enid and Teddy pretends to drown and Enid is forced to jump up and save him. It was totally like when Nellie Olsen fell off Laura’s horse and pretended to be paralyzed but then Laura pushed her into a lake forcing her to stand up. Except that it wasn’t as cool.

And here’s the icing on the cake: Liz is a HERO after playing that trick on Enid. People at school run up to her and cheer. Errrrr, isn’t Enid the one who just became unparalyzed? Shouldn’t someone give a shit?

Um, the cover? It makes it look like Liz is saving Enid right after the crash. Or, if they are in the hospital, shouldn’t she not move Enid around like that?

Other thoughts:

Robin Wilson gets all stressed and guilty, so of course she starts stuffing her face. Eating is weakness. The book takes place over the span of a week, and she puts on ten pounds. And both Liz and Jessica both take notice in the form of condescending thoughts in italics.

So high school kids and their love lives can often be shallow, but I really don’t know why some of these kids are together. They never really talk about why why and how George and Robin fell in love. Their love of planes? Their burning desires for mainstream acceptance?

Sorry y’all, I couldn’t give you more. This one was dreadful.

My grade: F

Next time: Rags to Riches: it is so fucking ridiculous you won’t believe it.

The one where Amy Sutton returns a changed woman or #27 Bitter Rivals

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Wow, I forgot what a disgusting waste of human space Amy Sutton was. So, here we head back to the pettiness and shallowness that is the hallmark af our beloved SVH. It was actually kind of refreshing since the last book was actually proactively positive. Anyway, Liz gets word that Amy Sutton in moving back to SV after she moved to CT fir a few years. Liz is stoked, but Enid starts getting jealous after hearing how fabulous Amy is. Because she feels soooo honored to have Liz as her best friend, and doesn’t want to lose her. Gag.

I love how in the BSC they often describe outfits, but they don’t do that much in SVH except say that Liz wears cardigans and jean skirts, and Jess wears low cut dresses and skimpy bikinis. But this cover alone makes up for it. Enid has a mega-perm! And belted pleated pants (could they be Z. Cavariicci?) Liz has some matching pants! I think the belt is attached to the pants!The polo isn’t bad, it looks kind of hispterish. Amy’s got a wicked pink dress with a matching belt. Sadly, this would pass as pretty retro-stylish right now. In fact, I’m wearing leggings right now. (Shut up! They’re from American Apparel!)

Amy comes back and is not the fun-loving, tomboy that Liz remembers, she is so stylish and pretty and of course, very skinny. She also won’t shut up about all her boyfriends. Amy also doesn’t give a shit about Enid and is mean to her, but Liz doesn’t notice. Finally, at school, Amy is all popular and shit and makes the cheerleading squad and is all bffs with Lila, Cara, and Jessica. She has an actual crowd of admirers that literally follow her around.

If my memory serves me correctly, those three were horrendous towards Amy in the Sweet Valley Twins series. But, just as we learned in Power Play, the best revenge on your enemies is to conform to them and gain their approval. Sigh. If Amy was so fantastic, she should have arrived and when Lila and all them kissed up to her, she could be all fuck off and start her own clique.

Amy keeps standing Liz up and taking her for granted, but Liz is a total pushover and takes it bending over. Seriously, Liz is supposed to be sooo sensitive and a good friend, but practically forgets Enid at the drop of a hat if Amy calls. She and Enid are trying to plan a magical skiing weekend, and Liz insits in inviting Amy, but Amy keeps making them reschedule and Enid is PIIIIIISSSSED. For once, I feel bad for Enid.

So, Lila is having a party (as she does every fucking day) to introduce her friends to her cousin Christopher. Based on pictures and stuff, Amy has declared that she is in LUUUUVVV with him, and Lila plays pimp and decides that Christopher will be Amy’s boyf. It’s a costume party (a-gain) and Liz and Enid both come as skiers…without each other knowing. Theis makes Liz realizes that Enid is her true best friend. Also, it turns out that Christopher and Enid were actually camp counselors together a while back, and hangs out with Enid the whole party. Amy gets mad and confronts Enid and is all, back off bitch, you can’t have Christopher or Liz, they’re both mine. Great, just what SVH needs, another borderline personality disordered evil blond cheerleader. Liz finds out and FINALLY realizes Amy isn’t who she used to be. The moral is…I don’t know.

Other thoughts:

Lila’s parties are always large, catered affairs with themes and like, small, cut-up cucumber sandwhiches and pastries. These sound pretty hot for a Bat Mitzvah, but do you really expect high school students to show up and be okay with the fact that there is no booze? Oh, and Jessica goes as a sexy Cleopatra.

Amy wears a black jumpsuit and black cowboy boots out to lunch. Hawt.

Amy no longer gives a shit about schoolwork, because it takes a lot of time being popular, pretty and thin. Great role modeling, Francine.

Liz is so excited and takes like months planning a brunch with her Amy and Enid….at the Pancake House. Real classy. But then Amy only orders a grapefruit and judges Enid for getting pancakes and bacon.

There is something off about Enid and Liz’ relationship. It’s true that it is great when you have a friend you can talk about your problems with or talk about your life goals or whatever, but that is all Liz and Enid do. Seriously, they could have a little fun sometimes. Or just laugh as stupid shit. They never do. Sounds kind of boring. I’m just sayin’ you need a little of both.

My grade: B

What’s next? I haven’t really decided yet. Maybe the one where the Morrows move to town. Or maybe the one where the two students are engaged. I kind of feel like ragging on Bruce Patman, so maybe one with him in the central story, Or maybe when Todd moves away. The possibilities are endless!

The one where we learn a lesson, or #50, Out of Reach

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20

MEMO

To: ghostwriters
From Francine

Well, despite our best selling storylines that have made me rich by not even picking up a pen, I got some word that we have to add some “diversity” to our books. I am not even sure what that means. Apparently the one about the poor boy who works as a janitor didn’t count. I thought maybe something about Lila’s maid would be fun, maybe a storyline where Lila loses some designer shoes and blames the maid, but that didn’t sit well with my publisher. So I am throwing it out to you all. We should have a dance in there. And maybe a desciption of Lila’s house. Make sure there are no fat people involved. Have it on my desk by Tuesday. If you need me, I’ll be out shopping for taffeta skirts and culottes.

Francine

I was really wanting to hate this one. I mean, it was no literary feat, but it actually had- gasp!- a positive, healthy message. When I read the back cover I was fearing (hoping) that they would use every stereotype under the sun. Well, they did and they didn’t. Jade is Chinese-American and her parents keep her sheltered. Her father is strict and only wants her to interact with other Chinese-Americans. This has made Jade really reserved and shy. Oh, she’s also a good dancer. So, SVH is putting on a dance showcase (uh, why) and Jade auditions and gets the lead, but doesn’t tell her Dad. She also kinda gets cozy with the set director, David Prentiss, who is poor and has a single Mom and has to –GASP!- work a part-time job after school. What a FREAK! Because of the uptight classist wasps at SVH, he keeps it a secret. Jade keeps rejecting his invitations for a date, because her dad doesn’t allow her to date non-Chinese men, but Davey thinks it’s because he’s poor. Star-crossed lovers!

So Jade is all happy that she is involved with the show and it brings her out of her shell and introduces her to a lot of new people. She is rully excited to get to hang out with Liz Wakefield, cuz she’s soooo pretty and popular, Liz is the stage manager, obvs, and acts like typical Liz and a total meddling mother and takes jade under her wing and acts like she’s ten years older. Ugh. Jade doesn’t want people to know about her strict family, especially that her grandparents run a laundry business- because it is so stereotypical, I guess. So, Amy Sutton, mega-sociopath, is toooootally jealous that Jade got the lead over her, finds out about it, and sreads the rumor everywhere. Okay, so they are petty close-minded high school students, but why is this the talk of the school? I know kids can be cruel and incredibly racist, but it disturbs me that SVH would totally alienate someone for this. . But maybe I have too much faith in Chrome Dome’s leadership skills as a principal. You also gotta remember that they gave a crap about Enid and her letters to George and that was the talk of the school.

So, finally Jade’s dad comes around and comes to see her in the show and is really proud. Also, a talent scout for a dance fellowship is in the audience, and offers the opportunity to Jade, but is all, we don’t want someone too…ethnic, you need to change your name. Jade is all, fuck you, take me for who I am or don’t take me at all. That was actually the one moment in SVH where I actually was proud of one of the characters. Jade learns that she should be proud of who she is and her heritage and is all “yea so my grandparents run a laundry business, wanna make something of it?” Like I said, it’s kind of a positive message, I have no criticisms. But wait…I’ll try.

So Jcredibly strict parents do a complete turnaround and let her dance her heart out anywhere and give David their blessings to boink their daughter. That was a little much.

Ick. I can’t stand Elizabeth’s condescending look. Jade is pretty. Nice mock turtleneck, Liz.

Not much Jessica in the book, there’s a stupid side story about how Ned Wakefield has a mid-life crisis over his twentieth high school reunion and tries to act all young. Alice and the twins hatch a plan to help him realize he should be happy about his age. So Jess takes him out with her to the Beach Disco and loud concerts and stuff. So then…oh wait, it’s just so dumb I can’t even get into it.

Other thoughts:

So, David’s set design is a picture of jade dancing, which will go behind Jade when she dances…yea, it’s really stupid.
Fucking Liz. She’s so perfect and give Jade a pep-talk about accepting her identity. Like Liz has ever been oppressed.

They actually give Jade’s Dad a history. He got his doctorate in physics and then worked as a consultant. I’m surprised they didn’t give him a fake university.

On the whole thing about Jade’s dad wanting her to meet more Chinese-Americans- they’re in Southern California for fuck’s sake, not Nebraska. I’m preeeeety sure there may be just a couple Asian-Americans living in the area. Just get her into another school district. Get her out of Sweet Valley while you still can!

Have you ever noticed the obsession with eye color? How many times do we have to hear about their sea-green eyes. Or they are always like “Todd’s brown eyes softened” or “Enid’s green eyes widened.” Amy has grey eyes. To be honest, I am not sure if I have ever met anyone with grey eyes. Then again, I am super-short, so I am usually looking at someone’s chest when I talk to them.

Aaaaaaannnd I am pretty sure jade will never end up in any other books.

My grade: B+

Next time: Bitter Rivals, where Amy moves back to Sweet Valley and we can delve into her complicated psyche.