Monthly Archives: June 2007

The one that begs the question, just who really is Winston Egbert? or #56 Lost At Sea

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SVH has Saved By the Bell syndrome. This is a syndrome that affects fictional high schools, where it seems the whole school is composed of 7-10 students, all whom would not actually hang out together in real life. I know you can’t focus a book on every student in the school, but doesn’t it seem the Wakefields and their crew are the only ones that go to the school? Supposedly they hate Bruce and find Winston irritating, but they are always there.

Case in point: they are going on a field trip to some island to study marine biology, and it says that 16 students are going to be attending. I don’t think I can name 16 people that go to SVH. So, I was kind of excited to see who else was there. They further divided into groups of four, and one group was Liz, Enid, Ken Matthews and Tom McKay (who seems to often play the dumb jock space-filler). The other group was Winston Egbert, some science wiz, and Lois Waller, who was “chubby and quiet”. Jaysus, Francine hates overweight people. They are also needy and desperate for friends and approval. And are only accepted when they conform (I’m looking at you, Robin Wilson.)

So, anyway, Jess is mad because she wanted to flirt with Ken Matthews, but Winston is all up in her grill being annoying. I actually think he seems kind of endearing. Trying too hard maybe, but at least as more of a personality than Ken “Ken Doll” Matthews. On their way back from the island, there is a big storm and the boat carrying their class capsizes, and Jessica ends up losing the lifeboat and swimming ashore a nearby island. Winston ends up there too. Winston basically saves Jessica’s ass because he knows survival skills. I am surprised he helped Jessica too because she was being such a cunt to him previously (and every book before this). She wants to sunbathe, but he insists they need to build shelter. Jess whines and whines, and finally he relents and gives her the task of “decorating” the shelter. She is happy, but I think (hope) he is secretly demeaning her.

Threy go off to forage for berries, and they run into a bear (on an island? idk) and Winston freaks out and Jessica actually saves them. Winston later feels like such a failure and is so embarassed and he and Jessica have a heart to heart where Winston reveals his insecurities and why he always needs to be the class clown, making others laugh so they will accept him. But Winston, who makes the clown laugh? He also is scared that his girlfriend, Maria Santelli, will dump him for a much better looking guy. Aw, Win. I think it is great that Winston is fun to be around, but my advice for him is to not be so much a gag-and-impressions guy. It’s like he brings props to school and uses pencils as cigars and breaks out into Groucho Marx impressions.

Meanwhile, Liz and the Wakefields are all worried, but they still go on with their lives. Liz even writes her fucking gossip column, Alice goes on interior-designing, and Ned goes on laywering. Seriously, Jessica could be dead. Finally, Bruce helps out by arranging for them to get on a yacht to go looking for Winston and Jessica. It’s great he cares, despite the fact that he has attempted to sexually assault both twins at one time or another.

Then they are saved, la la, and there are paparazzi everywhere and Jessica takes credit for everything and steals Winston’s thunder. And Winston just takes it. HATE!

Cover: nothing exciting. Jessica looks wet and tired and lost at sea. She looks more bratty than scared.

Other thoughts:

Jeffrey is such a nerd. Team Todd!

Lila gets very upset when she thinks Jessica is dead, and tries to reach out for Liz for comfort, but Liz totally blows her off. HATE! Liz thinks she is so caring. What a hypocrite.

Winston basically cooks some random fish and pusts them on a palm leaf with some sort of garnish. What is this, Top Chef?

In Sweet Valley world, you need to be blond, thin (women) and super buff (men). Winston, is decribed as “lanky”. Um, that seems kind of hot. In fact, I remember him being hot in the tv show.

Small pic, but he was played by Michael Perl, an obvi Jew. Which leads me to say: anyone get the feeling that Winston is Jewish? He has glasses, kinda nerdy…”Eggbert” is mildly Jewish, is pretty much the outsider in waspy Sweet Valley.

The one with all the humiliating pledging, or #47, Troublemaker

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So, Julie Porter is a total nerd. She’s mousy, a brunette (which is the kiss of death in Sweet Valley) and she likes to play music. The recorder, actually. Ok, before you judge, my mother runs a recorder ensemble and it’s pretty hardcore. They really practice a lot and perform all over Florida. My mother is also 63.Of course,Liz is friends with her. In fact, they stay after school and play recorder duets together. Ok, again before you judge, I used to stay after school to hang out in the music wing and play string quartets. Then again, I was a fucking loser in high school.

Josh Bowen, another character we haven’t met before this, is a friend of Julie’s and is currently pledging Phi Epsilon, the fraternity. Bruce is being a total dick and giving all the pledges are hard time. They do typical pledge stuff. Ok, everyone say it with me: WHY THE HELL IS THIS ALLOWED? Josh totally hates it but his older bro was in the fraternity, so he wants to get in.

Julie looks about twelve. Josh looks hot, 25, and basically like a gay Abercrombie model. You can’t really tell from this picture, but Bruce’s eyebrow is raised to his hairline. He’s also wearing a sweater cardigan. Which would make him a hipster by today’s standards. Speaking of Bruce, I had mentioned that I was getting a James Marsden vibe, so here are some pics looking all Bruce Patman-esque.

Blah blah blah, Julie hates that Josh is pledging the fraternity. Bruce, for some reason starts flirting with Julie. Because she has zero self-esteem, she goes for it. She invites him to the frat party at his house, and despite every telling her that Bruce is a dick, she goes with him. So, Bruce brings her to this dark room and starts macking, but then gets up to go to the bathroom somewhere. Then someone she thinks is Bruce comes in and they start making out. SURPRISE! It’s Josh, not Bruce. Bruce set it up as a pledging prank because….I don’t know. I don’t even know why it was funny or clever. It turns out he told Josh there was a girl in the room who would be judging them to see who was the best kisser. I think Francine didn’t know how to end the story.

Ok, so the next day at school in the caf, Bruce gives Josh another pledge task: mash a whole bunch of jello together and give it to Julie. That’s uh…horrible? Josh doesn’t want to bother Julie again, and Bruce keeps egging him on, so Josh throws the plate of food on Bruce. Um, chyello? Isn’t that how Jessica got back at Bruce as well? Bruce seems to always have food thrown on him. The manuscript editors should have caught that one.

Ok, stupid sidestory: Jessica wants the lead in the school production of You Can’t Take It With You, but never reads the script and worries about having a good ballet routine. Well, she fucks up the audition, but gets the lead anyway, because the character she is playing is supposed to be clumsy. Jessica, always the brat, throws a hissy fit that she doesn’t want to be portrayed that way. However, she get s standing ovation, and because she is an egomaniacal beast, comes out on top at the end. I HATE when Jessica gets what she wants. Which is like, aways.

Other thoughts:

Bruce wears a gold watch and Italian glove-leather loafers. Not only is he in high school, he’s also a mob kingpin.

God, do these kids really talk like this? Jeffrey and Elizabeth are making out in the hallway, and Enid yells, “Hey, let go of that woman before I report you with intent to kiss!” Elizabeth responds, “Just in time to save me from the Sweet Valley Maniac!” and then Enid says to Jeffrey, “This is a high school, not a professional wrestling arena, you know.” God, I cringed just writing that.

At Bruce’s party, the pledges have to walk around in ridiculous costumes and act as servants. Josh has to dress up like a woman and Bruce keeps telling him he’s made a good housewife. Uhhhh….

My grade: D+

The one where Jessica blushes a lot, or #48 Slam Book Fever

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Let me start by saying that I love describing anything as ____ fever. I’m going to make a conscious effort to use it in my everyday vernacular. I am moving next week and my apartment is like “box fever”. Like tomorrow at work I am going to casually say, “It’s like paperwork fever in here!” I’ll let you know if it catches on.

Also, this is a PRIME SVH book. Blackstabbing, gossip, crushes, etc.- this is SVH at its best! (worst)

Ok. Amy Sutton wants everyone to start Slam Books. Apparently, they were all the rage when she lives in Connecticut. Wait, hold up. I lived in CT for three years and I did not see one Slam Book. Damn, Francine, everything else is so realistic, why make stuff like this up? For those of you not in the know, Slam Books are where you write categories like “biggest flirt” and “best couple” and all those catty categories and people anonymously write in people’s names.

So, are you ready? This one is confusing. So, Jessica has a crush on the new boy, A.J., but feels all awkward and shy around him, so she doesn’t want anyone to know she likes him. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is jealous because her boyf Jeffrey (Todd moved to Vermont like, 20 books ago) is spending time with Olivia Davidson working on a literary magazine. So, someone writes in the Slambooks that Jeffrey and Olivia are the “couple of the future” in order to make Liz suspicious. So she gets mad at Jeffrey and decides to flirt with A.J. after someone but her and A.J. as the couple of the future, which makes Jessica furious at Liz. Finally, they find out Lila is behind all of it, because she wants Jeffrey for herself. Oh, that Lila. Also, A.J. is interested in Jessica, because he thinks she is shy and reserved, and Elizabeth is too pushy and flirtatious. OH THE IRONY!

Some thoughts:

I love how Amy Sutton introduces the concept to them and is all “make sure everyone knows it was my idea”. That’s kind of something I would do.

I am pretty sure Jeffrey French is gay. I am going on pure stereotypes here, but

1. He insists on being called Jeffrey, not Jeff.

2. He works on a literary magazine.

3. He mostly hugs Liz, whereas she and Todd would suck face all the time.

This was totally fake. A.J. was standing around talking with Aaron Dallas (captain of the soccer team) and som other jock discussung the twins. He says something like “Jessica seems so quiet and friendly. I’d love to get to know her.” Yes, I am sure that is exactly how high school boys talk.

Mr. Collins, The Oracle Faculty advisor, threw a party for Olivia when she finished the literary magazine. As in, brought in tons of food and hung up banners. Get a life! Also, you’re a pervert! Stop spending times throwing parties for high school girls.

Someone wrote Jessica in the category: “Most Likely to Have Six Kids”. Hahahaha, they called her a whore.

At the beach, Lila’s beach towel says “THE RITZ HOTEL” on it, and she perches on the edge so everyone can see the writing on it. Bwah.

Blech, Elizabeth and Jeffrey. Their dates consist of things like a picnic in the park after school. They are sixteen- what happened to groping each other in her parents’ living room? They act like they are 80. I never thought I’d say I prefer to read about her fights with Todd.

Now, the cover.

God, Jessica looks so annoying. By the looks of Amy’s face, you can tell she’s thinking “bitch please, leave me alone so I can write your ass in my slam book.” I also had a sweater exactly like Jessica is wearing. Or did I have it BECAUSE Jessica was wearing it? Hmmmm.

WHERE ARE THE ADULTS TO MONITOR THE SLAM BOOKS? How is this appropriate for school? I also love how when Amy tells them about it, they all think it will be a great idea and it will be harmless fun.

Ok, so you would think the lesson of this story is that slam books and rumors and gossip are destructive. Good old Francine, trying to make a buck. Here was an add in the back of the book. Your for only $3.95! Plus $5.96 shipping and handling!

If you’ve read Slambook Fever, you know that Slam Books are the rage at Sweet Valley High. Now you can have a slam book of your own! Make up your own categories, such as “Biggest Jock” or “Best Looking”, and have your friends fill in the rest! There’s a four page calendar, horoscopes and questions most asked by Sweet Valley readers with answers from Elizabeth and Jessica.

Did she read her own book? Did she not see what damage it did? And before you ask, yes, I do want to get my hands on a copy. I’ve already combed ebay looking for it.

Ok, confession. I read this when I was 10, and I decided to try and start a slam book in my fifth grade class. I wrote people’s names on some pages, but ended up only writing descriptions of the people like, “Sue has brown hair”. God, I sucked at slam booking.

My grade: A-

The one where Bruce touches Jessica’s boobs, or #3 Playing With Fire

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With some consutation of my peers, this was considered one of the more “racier” ones, and the one we all felt we had to hide from our parents. I found it to be the most damaging to young girls (i.e. me) about their perceptions of self (i.e. my perception of my self).

So it starts out at – SHOCKER! – a school dance, this time a Sweet Valley High dance contest (wtf?) and Jessica was voted skankiest of the dance or something, and she finally gets Bruce Patman to notice her. Bruce, if you didn’t know, duh, is allegedly the hottest guy at school, he’s also the richest. And the cockiest. And the preppiest. And the one most likely to date rape. I envision him somehow as James Marsden, but not X-Men Marsden, more like Sugar and Spice Marsden, with dockers and lots of Izod. However, the cover makes him look about 46.

Nice chokehold on Jessica. Well, this book does make Jessica the posterchild for dating violence. So, after the dance, they all go to a party and Bruce and Jessica are in the pool and he UNTIES HER BIKINI TOP! I just remember that being sooooo scandalous. To be honest, at the time I wasn’t even sure what he was untying for, but I knew Bruce was naaasssty. Also, that was about the most sexually explicit and SVH will go in about 80 books. So don’t expect anything else that’s above PG. Then they go to make out in the woods. Elizabeth is worried about Jessica so she goes to spy on them and confronts them basically while they are dry humping, but Jessica insists she knows what she is doing. Oh, and Francine (i.e. ghostwriters) deliver the most fabulous SVH writing ever: “He responded by turning his face to hers and kissing her hard, his arms crushing her against him, his mouth demanding what his body wanted to take.” Imagine my eight-year-old self trying to wrap my mind around that.

I have to hand it to Liz, she kind of handles this one alright. She wants Jessica to see what a douche Bruce is, but as soon as she confronts Jessica, she knows she will push her right into Bruce’s arms. So she just lets it ride and hope Jessica sees it. Which she doesn’t. She sits around waiting for Bruce to call, and will drop everything to do what he wants. They play tennis together and when she doesn’t let Bruce win, he throws a tantrum. It was awesome.

Yea, so they also make out all over the lawn in school everyday and Jessica skips classes and steals from tests so Bruce can cheat. Blah blah blah. You’s think that based on Bruce’s aversion to women wearing tops he would try to go further with Jessica, like cop an under-the-bra feel, but that doesn’t seem to happen, which I call bullshit on. So, finally Bruce has a birthday party of whatnot, and takes Jessica there and he tells her she needs to sit and wait for him to talk to her and for her not to talk to anyone else. Great. So then Bruce pretends the party is over and Elizabeth schemes to pretend to drive Jessica home but then pretends to forget something back at the party, and they go back so Jessica can see that Bruce is still at the party, but this time he brought another girl back with him. Jessica finally sees the light and throws pizza and soda on him. If my book had a tiny audio implant, Aretha Franklin’s “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” would play at that part.

What pisses me off is that it is that Bruce was not monogomous to her that breaks Jessica, and not the emotional manipulation. Cheating sucks, but the abuse was fine when Jessica was the only one he was manipulating. Sigh.

Oh, there is a subplot about how the Droids, a student band (they play at all the dances- the ones that happen three times a week) get noticed by a manager who promises to get them a record deal but the pressure almost breaks them up. I think this was added to send a message about being yourself is the best way to be. Sorry Francine, don’t even try to bring morals into this. Just stick to dry humping in the woods.

Oh, and here is the other subplot. There is a girl that follows Jessica around because she wants to pledge their sorority (don’t even get me started with that) but she is nerdy an socially awkward. And surprise, surprise- she’s overweight. Because that means she’s a total nerd and loser. Of course, I forgot Francine, thanks for teaching me about body image. Jessica promises to get her into the sorority if she does shit for her- like keep Winston occupied, and steal test answers. Of course, Robin agrees and Jessica gives her makeup and shopping lessons or some shit like that. But, and I quote, Jessica feels that “this girl can’t seriously believe that anyone would want a butterball like her for a sorority sister”. HATE!

Yea, so I am not sure if we learned any lessons, but we’ve now established Bruce as a a complete misogynist, capitalist. materialistic douche.

Can we talk about the gossip column that Elizabeth writes for the school paper:

The halls are buzzing with the news of a hot and heavy thing going on between Lila F. and a certain blond football player. Chalk up one more for Lila…Three cheers for Lois W. ! John P. showed up at her party. Guess sometimes dreams DO come true…Bill C.’s found another surf bunny…Enid R.’s packing her suitcases for another weekend visit with G.W.- fourth in a row, but who’s counting? …Cara W. has her eye on a basketball-playing senior. Maybe she can get him interested in something besides dribbling!…Danger: Toni J.s now on the roads. Pedestrians beware…

Firstly, she’s calling Lila a slut. And does anyone care if she went to visit her boyfiend? for the millionth time I ask, HOW IN THE HELL DOES THE SCHOOL ALLOW THIS?

My grade: B+

The one where they think they’re in a baby sitters’ club book, or Super Edition: Malibu Summer

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I don’t know what makes this a super edition. Maybe because it’s about 20 pages longer than the usual book? In case we forgot that Elizabeth is the Madonna and Jessica is the whore, Liz gets to wear a hideously conservative suit and Jess gets the bikini.

So, it’s summer vacation and I am pretty sure the next book after this they are back in their junior year. Whatevs. That won’t keep me up at night. Jessica wants to work in Malibu as mother’s helpers, so she convinces (i.e. manipluates) Liz into giving up her job at the Sweet Valley news to do it with her. She even makes Liz interview for her as well. That’s ethical. Jessica takes a job at a small house with a baby because the family are cousins of Tony Sargent, a famous singer. This is someone that was just mentioned here, and I am pretty sure will never be mentioned again after this book. Liz gets a job in a large rich house for a girl that is unloved and neglected. Weird, because I just caught Uptown Girls yesterday. Of course, Liz, at sixteen, teaches them how to raise their child and how to treat each other. Blech.

This one was so bad and tedious I can barely tell you the rest. If I wanted a book about mother’s helpers, I would read Sunet Island. For reals. So….Tony Sargent, the singer, needs to hide out because apparently he banged a groupie and now her boyfriend wants to kill him. So he hides out at his cousin’s house and poses as a Yale senior. Elizabeth meets him when she is over covering for Jessica and they fall in love. Because he likes books. But he is 21! and too old! Her parents won’t approve, so she is struggling. Yelllooooo, you’re in Malibu without them, stop being such a LOOOOOOSSSSER, Liz. Seriously, this is so unrealistic. I think they are trying to create a good role model character, but Jesus H Christ I want to fucking punch Elizabeth. Ok, so there is some sort of big rainstorm and the little neglected girl runs away and Liz runs away with the singer. Jessica saves the little girl from being swept away by the storm and the stalker finds Elizabeth and the guy and attempts to kill him. Ho-hum.

All is well, but Elizabeth is mad when she finds her lovah is really Tony Sargent undercover. She is mad? Pleez. Also, they can never really have a relationship because he is such a big celeb. So she has to give him up. um, WHAT? This put me over the edge. Yea, it couldn’t work, but if you had the chance to DATE a celeb, you TAKE IT! I am nearing thirty and if I made out with a celeb, even B-List, I’d do it! Liz is such a fucking grandma!!!!!!! I am acting as if I am surprised that SVH is unrealistic.

Other thoughts:

Elizabeth talks shit about Lila yet hangs out with her all summer. Just sayin’.

Because Jessica and Lila are sooooooo pretty, they pick up guys wherever they go. Lila picks up a guy at the mall (so unlike her). Turns out he is a younger guy and he hides that fact from her (geeeee, we’ve never seen THAT plot device before.

My grade: C-

The one with the socioeconomic issues, or #9 Racing Hearts

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When I read these the first time around, Lila Fowler was my favorite. Probably because she was rich, pretty, and popualar (supposedly). Criminy, her house actually had a name- Fowler Crest. I totally got a Sarah Michelle Gellar circa Cruel Intentions as my picture of her. I would say I still do like Lila. She is a total beast. but at least she is honest and not manipulative and borderline like Jessica. Plus, she’s got MAJOR daddy issues, so cut her a break.

Roger Barrett is sooooo poooor. Bruce Patman is soooooooo rich. In case you didnt already know, Francine, has to mention it about a thousand times. And she only thinks in extreme binaries. Roger is totes channeling Edward Norton. And ick! He has to wear a sweatshirt. Cuz he’s so poooor!

Ok, so there is this big annual race happening at SVH. It has never been mentioned before this book, so I am pretty certain it will never be mentioned again. The winner get some cash plus a scholarship to Sweet Valley College. Uh, okay. A track scholarship? They don’t mention it. Also, there is a big dance that follows the race. Because Sweet Valley can’t go five fucking minutes without having a dance. Lila suddenly shows interest in Roger once he becomes a strong contender for the title, because she “wants to be seen at the dance with the winner”. See, she’s a cold-hearted beast, but at least she’s straightfforward. But uh oh! Roger actually can’t make the race because on Saturday afternoons he is at his job as a janitor in an office building. BECAUSE HE’S POOR! God forbid a teenager has an afterschool job in Sweet Valley. And he couldn’t work at the mall?

Oh wait, Jessica decides she is totally mature and wants to go work at her father’s law office. Seemingly because she wants to learn more about it. But she delivers this gem, probably influences tons of preteen girls to apply to law school.:

It was one thing to defend lost causes but quite another to have to defend really grizzly, dangerous criminals. Civil law, something more along with the lines of her father’s practice , was much more better, she concluded. Conferring with other lawyers-including lots of handsome men- certainly had to be exciting , and a lot less dangerous

But about eight books ago, she was okay with giving it up to the town criminal when he picked her up on the walk home from school. Anyhoo, about five minutes into the job, she got annoyed that she actually has to make copies. What is this, Heidi from The Hills? But, she sneaks out and meets another guy working at the law office across the way. Because she is soooooo pretty and soooooooo popular (as we are constantly reminded) he asks her out. Except that he never wants to go out. They meet in the copy room after everyone goes home. Well, what is the purpose of this subplot? Well, I love when Jessica gets embarassed. Turns out the guy doesn’t take Jessica out of the building because he can;t drive because he’s really fifteen. Oh! The horror! Jessica’s a shallow cunt so breaks it off. But during her late night rendezvous, she sees Roger working as a janitor in the building.

Ok, so of course Liz always has to be so condescendingly moral, she asks her father to ask Roger’s boss to give him the time off work so he can run the race. Oh, because his boss is making him work on Saturdays because he’s just a mean bitter guy. Not because he actually needs to get the office clean because the big shot lawyers like Ted Wakefield will complain. No, he’s just mean. I can’t wait til the class riots overtake Sweet Valley and loot the Dairi Burger.

Yes, Roger wins big shock and realized Lila is not the girl he wants, so he gets together with his friend Olivia. You know, the weird girl who eats alfalfa srouts and wears peasant skirts.

Snore.

Oh wait, Lila may be mentally retarded. Check out the poem she wrote for Roger:

Roger Barrett, a boy so fine

His speeding runner is so divine

In school, too, he is very smart.

He’ll walk away with the trophy from the Bart

In everything he operates in the highest stratum.

We at Sweet Valley are so proud we have him.

Wow Lila, great use of active voice.

My grade: D +

The one where you think Jessica has sex but the title and cover are misleading, or #5 All Night Long

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I was totally not allowed to read this one. For the apparent sexual content it promised. BUT….when I did read it, it did not deliver. Jessica was out all night because she wouldn’t sleep with a college guy on the first date and she couldn’t get a ride home until the morning. LAME!

I digress. First, let’s start with the cover. Why did Jessica and her date stop at the Sears portrait studio? Why in the hell does Scott have a porn moustache? He looks old enough to be my father. Or a little bit like a drag king. Creepy. And Jessica and her damn feathered hair.

Jessica hangs out with aformentioned moustached college guy, Scott, at a beach party. They are drinking! SHOCKER! And they are passing around a joint. This is how Jessica knows she is in the “fast lane”. Jessica has no real contact, just talks in sexual innuendos and acts like a third grader, like dumping mud on him and runs away. Hot. I’ll have to try that one. They go to some abandoned boathouse or something and Scott starts kissing her “like he means business”. She protests and he pins her down and threatens that he won’t let her leave until she “gives it up”.

Hold it there. Here is the chance for the issue of date violence and date rape to be addressed, but good old Francine decides to go with the blame the victim route. Scott says, ” Go ahead, Jessie baby. Tell them. Tell them how you lied to [your parents] so you could sneak up here with me. Tell them how you just happened to be in a deserted boathouse, practically naked, when I came along and tried to take advantage of you.” Great. Fantastic. He leaves her in the boathouse to find her way back.

The All Night Long refers to the time it takes Jessica to find her way back and get a ride home. When she gets back she bullies into covering for her. Elizabeth is a total doormat, so does it and has multiple panic attacks in the process. Oh, and fights with Todd. Big shocker. Jess actually makes Liz feel bad for not helping her enough. She even has to pretend to be Jessica in front of her Mom so that she can cover. How does her Mom not know? Jessica basically blames her whole situation on Elizabeth, justifying her dumb actions as Elizabeth not stopping her. Whoa. Some serious denial. And totally yells at Elizabeth that she hates her once she gets back, and Liz just takes it and begs for forgiveness. Based on the novel that is about an inch think, I’ve diagnosed Jessica with Histrionic Personality Disorder:

    • Constant seeking of reassurance or approval.
    • Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions.
    • Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.
    • Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.
    • Excessive concern with physical appearance.
    • A need to be the center of attention (self-centeredness).
    • Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
    • Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear shallow to others.
    • Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details.
    • Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
    • Make rash decisions
    • Threaten or attempt suicide to get attention

Yep, seems about right.

Other things:

When describing Olivia Davidson, the arts editor for The Oracle, it mentions that she is “big on anti-nuke rallies and eats alafalfa srprouts and whole-grain breads”. Oh come on, Francine, we know what you really want to say- that she’s a dyke. Just say it.

Enid also recouts a college party she heard about from her cousin. “It was kind of a grown up pajama party, with everyone wearing nightshirts and nightgowns, and on the floor strewn with mattresses for them to sit on instead of chairs. According to Enid’s cousin, things had gotten pretty out of hand, especially with all the drinking that had been going on.” The fuck???

These characters either have no sense of humor, or they were purposely written with the sense of humor geared towards four year olds. When Todd and Liz are fighting over the fact that Liz is being manipulated by Jessica, she calls off their Saturday night date. “I’d rather go out with Jaws!” is her retort. Okay, maybe the reference meant more in 1982. That would mean today, that insult would translate to “I’d rather go out with Shrek!” Okay, it still doesn’t work.

I think Bruce Patman is a thinly veiled allegory for free market capitalism and corporate greed. And Liz represents socialism. It’s like Animal Farm with teenagers.

The moral: if you manipulate and emotionally abuse your sibling long enough, you will finally break them down. Or something.

My grade: B