Monthly Archives: May 2007

The one where we find out that Enid was a slutty criminal, or #2, Secrets

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What’s that pink thing? Is it a…phone? Why is there a cord attached to it? I don’t understand.

Ok, so the title is a little obvious. Enid, Liz’s nerdy best friend, has a secret. She has a police record! And she’s been writing letters to her old boyfriend! She has a new boyfriend, Ronnie, and she doesn’t want him to find out because he’s an abusive prick and she’s a pathetic doormat. Thanks Francine, I learned everything about how boyfriends should treat me in high school from you. Boyfriends are not about talking and joking and making life plans together, they are about not upsetting them and going to makeout point when they want. When we do talk to them, we should only talk in lovey-dovey flirty talk. I digress.

Jessica is an insane, manipulative cunt and she hates that Liz has any other friends but her (but she can hang out with Lila and Cara and the cheerleaders, and it’s okay). So she finds the letters to Enid’s old boyfriend and spreads it around school. Liz is the only one Enid told, so she gets mad at Liz and makes her cry about a thousand times. The funny thing is, the rumor is all over school! People actually give a shit that SOME GIRL WRITES LETTERS! Again, this is social suicide for Enid, because everyone in SVH are the uptight moral police.

So, blah blah, Enid reunites with her old boyf George who is now hot and has cleaned up his act, and Liz gets back at Jess by makinf sure that the class nerd Winston Eggbert wins Homecoming King so Jessica has to dance with him when she wins homecoming queen.

What, another dance? I think that SVH holds dances every night.

Francine has also introduced us to the timeless madonna/whore theory, best illustrated by the twins. Once can either be completely pure and no backbone and a pushover, or a raging slut with no other thoughts or ambitions.

When I first read the books, I imagined the characters as the drawings, but I am getting a Jake Gyllenhaal vibe from Todd.

God Francine, we GET IT! The twins are beautiful. You don’t have to make all the characters mention it all the time. If I hear one more thing about “perfectly toned legs” or sea-green eyes, I will scream. Funny, but today’s standards, the twins are LARD ASSES. Size six? Omg!!! Not size zero? Seriously.

I also love how this takes place about 5 seconds after the last book, and Todd and Elizabeth already have regular places and places they frequent. I think they’ve been dating for about a day.

Elizabeth is a fucking grandma. To cheer Enid up, she invites her over on a Friday night to bake cookies. Ok, so I think I did that last week, but believe me, it’s so dumb! “Enid Rollins was spending the night at the Wakefields’, and Elizabeth initiated Project C.C. Cookie in the hope it would distract Enid from whatever it was she’s been so jumpy about.” Oh my god, so stupid. Francine, hire a better ghost rider.

My grade: F

The one where Todd and Liz get together (for the first time), or #1 Double Love

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Well, book one seems like the logical place to start? Because if it’s one thing that Fran Pascal and her ghostwriters know about, it’s logical plot devices. Ok, so we meet the twins and their annoying perfect selves and all the gang briefly. Liz has a crush on Todd. Scratch that. She’s in LOVE with him. After he looks at her in the caf and then they have a five minute convo about some chemistry exam. But Jessical also likes him. No, she doesn’t actually like him, to her he’s just another notch on her belt to validate herself through her sexual attractiveness. So Jessica basically goes after Todd, and Elizabeth basically wants to commit suicide when she hears Jessica talking about him. In all fairness, Liz never even tells Jessica her feelings. Ugh. I hate defending Jessica.

Then Jessica walks home from cheerleading practice instead of catching a ride from her friend because she “enjoys the attention she will attract” if she walks home. Ugh. Then the town punk picks her up and asks her for a date (in Francine’s world, a boy always asks for a proper “date” even though he is a complete fuck up). Of course, because it strokes Jess’ ego, says yes and lies to her parents and goes with him to Kelly’s, the town bar (Sweet Valley has one bar, apparently), and she gets into a brawl, or caused a brawl, or something, and the police come. Because the system is unfair and Jess is a manipulative skank, she convinces the cop to let her off. So he gives her a ride home. THe policeman calls her Elizabeth on her way out of the car, and Carline Pierce, the school gossip, overhears and then spreads it all over time that Elizabeth was at a bar and arrested.

The next day it is all over school and I am surprised that they don’t brand a letter “A” into Liz’s chest. Because she was out at a BAR! And possibly DRINKING! Jayzus. Kids these days have blow job parties and cook crystal meth after school. But apparently no teenagers drink at SVH. Jessica let’s them believe it, and Liz’s friend Enid is ahamed and breaks off their friendship. Todd of course sees Liz in a different light and decided to go to the dance with Jess.

After the dance, Todd doesn’t want to make out with Jess, which of course if a man doesn’t want Jessica, there MUST be something wrong with him. So she tells Liz that he tried to sexual assualt her. Because Francine likes to perpetuate the sterotype that women often cry rape. Thanks, Fran. So then Liz thinks Todd is a creep and there is more miscommunication.

Finally, somehow, it is all worked out, and Todd and Liz kiss and use stupid metaphors about their love. So, at least Liz grows some balls and tries to get back at Jessica. Ok, back up. Liz writes the gossip column for the school newspaper, The Oracle, and no one knows who it is. When they find out, they throw the person in the pool. Liz lets everyone think Jess is her, so they storm Jess and throw her in the pool. Oh, those SVH kids and their hijinks!

Oh yea, the twins’ brother Steven, who is in college, keeps coming around. It’s because he is secretly seeing Tricia Martin, but he is embarassed about it because she comes from a bad family, and her father is the “town drunk”. Because there IS ONLY ONE DRUNK IN SWEET VALLEY. Well, I guess that can happen when there is only one bar.

Some other points.

  • First, the twins are rushing Pi Alpha, the “best” sorority on campus. And they have to pledge and be hazed. (Liz was forced to have a pizza delivered to her science class). If your high school had a sorority, please let me know because WTF???? How is that allowed and sanctioned by the school? How do they allow hazing? WHERE ARE THE ADULTS?
  • Ok, my high school had a joke of a newspaper. So it took them half a school year to print a story about a tree that was planted outside or something like that. This is like a full time endeavor. I also get it confused with The Blaze and expect Andrea Zuckerman to be shouting orders at everyone. And they have a gossip column? How is that okay? Can Mr. Collins, the pervy advisor, please put a stop to it?
  • I hate how Jessica never wears a watch, because things don’t really start “until she gets there.”
  • If someone wants to make a statement, is mad at someone, or wants to flirt, they use the person’s full name. “I’ll get back at you Jessica Wakefield, if its the last thing I do!”; “Todd Wilkins, you are one hunk of man!” When Todd and Liz fight (which is uh, ALWAYS) they call each other Miss Wakefield and Mr. Wilkins. How…kinky?
  • Francine aka Kate William does not understand how a sense of humor works. Do teens ever/have they ever talked like this?: When Rick asks her out again, she’s all, “No thanks, I’d rather go on a date with an Octopus!” HAR HAR HAR!
  • The Fowlers and Patmans are set up to be this Hatfield and McCoys of Sweet Valley. They are both fighting over property of the SVH foodball field.Like they’s give a flying fuck.

Two words ladies: hot oil treatment. What’s with the bangs? Oh I forget, it’s 1984. That denim jacket should have more pins on it, Jess. Oh, and btw, you have a combover.

My grade: C+