05
Jan
10

New Bachelor season begins: women to plotz, swoon.

By ihatewheat 5 Comments
Categories: bonus

Well, I didn’t even know this season was happening until about five hours ago. It just snuck up on me like…an irregular period? Garbage Day? I don’t know. So, for all of you who are second-class citizens and cannot marry your committed partner because of archaic, bigoted lawmakers, just sit back and watch how us straight folks throw the privilege of marriage around like it’s a prize on a game show! Yaaaayyyy!

I haven’t even turned on my Tivo yet, but here is what I predict:

Jake will look longingly into an ocean/field and “remember” back to his season via some slickly edited stock footage. Then we will see him in a plane, maybe washing a plane shirtless, make erotically stroking the plane controls. There will be so many metaphors about how love is like “taking off the ground” and “flying through the air” and that you can’t be “on auto-pilot” when it comes to love. And then my English teacher friend will have a brain embolism.

Then we’ll meet the fem-bots, er…”ladies”. They will all be dressed like its their 1997 sorority formal. They will exit a limo and greet Jake and it will give me douche chills. Someone will say they are already in love with him, someone will proclaim, “I’m not here to make friends”. Jake will marvel about how it is overwhelming to be on THIS SIDE of things and he didn’t realize how hard it was. The ladies look nicely photo shopped, and with ambiguous job titles like “entrepreneur” (got suckered into a pyramid scheme by her ex); “accounts manager” (books clients for an orthodontist); “spokesmodel” (I got nothing); “Wardrobe Consultant” (works at Forever 21); “Marketing Representative” (Telemarketer).

Ok, well here we go for real. Oh, Chris Harrison, you haven’t hung yourself yet. Fun fact: he was in an episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch.

Jake. What is there to say about Jake? He’s genetically engineered. He’s also very…white. And male. Like he was made from an LL Bean catalog, veneers, a cover of a 99 cents romance novel, and Aryan genetics. I guess he is what is considered good looking. And he is someone that would never go for me, but if I did have him, I would fall asleep during the very generic, very vanilla sex. We get a Jake montage, of him strolling in Dallas in a fitted thermal tee, drilling some wood with no shirt, walking on the beach with no shirt, reciting Shakespeare with no shirt…sense a pattern? Jake’s got a body that I guess would be on a flier for a gym. Big biceps and pecs, and a waxed chest. I guess that’s attractive, right? To me it’s boooring. Then again, I go for the schlubby nerds, so I’m not the one to judge him. Then, Jake in his pilot’s uniform- uniforms do generally do it for me, but this one looks too fake. Like he’s a stripper dressed as a pilot and it’s just cheap tear-away polyester.

Yikes! Your teeth are blinding me!

And yes, there is the talk with Chris. I’m not getting into it. You can guess what is talked about. Jake believes he will find true love, despite the odds of this show. Jake is fairly polite and non- threatening, it’s hard to make fun of him. But not too hard. It hits him most “on rainy days, when you are at home alone on the couch, when you could be snuggled in bed with someone. That’s when the loneliness hits”. Silly Jake, that’s why you get a cat. Or validate yourself with a reality show.

The gals arrive at the mansion, or, the walk of shame out of the limo. The gals do some douchey stuff, most notable someone bringing him soil from Texas, and playing the old “look something on your tie- woop! hit you on the face!” and one gal comes running in, arms out and making airplane noises. I am so clenched with embarrassment for these people that my couch got sucked up my ass. One woman, who tells us is Cambodian, says something to Jake in Cambodian. Jake looks scared, he only thought women came in white I guess? Poor gal, dark skin= first to be eliminated.  Some crazy girl with obvs hair extensions gives him a paper plate with a spinner on it, all of pictures of the two of them photoshopped together. He’s supposed to spin it ….and???? Was that supposed to be endearing? God, I miss the Andrew Firestone days.

Ok, so the next part is blurry because there are too many women and I can’t remember their names. The girls are squealing over Jake like I squeal over Adam Lambert. One q1uite-confident gal brings in a box of jellybeans to give out “as a consolation prize”, because everyone is going home but me”. I think the object of the game is to get the most camera time, not Jake. One gal, I think the one with the paper plate thing, comes out dressed as a sexy flight attendant. The other gals rolls their eyes at this, but Jake seems to like it. Another gal proclaims, “god, how desperate do you have to be to get him to notice you, you have to bring a costume?” and then she comes walking over with a football and asks him to play. Yea, like bringing that prop wasn’t a cheap ploy either. What’s next, a girl wheels herself out on a table with stirrups and gives Jake a speculum? All the gals, not to lose Jake’s attention (or camera time) kick off their heels and play. In other words to say “look at me! I’m spunky and spontaneous! And I like sports like you do!”

Then comes the time when a producer tells Jake he has to take the girls and talk to them one on one. This is where instead of asking about things like, say… what movies they like, the gals launch into their hopes and fears about relationships. You know, typical stuff you tell someone you first met. Someone asks Jake what his top three priorities are, and he says “God, family, friends, in that order.” And what that means is “I’m a virgin.” Someone asks for a kiss, and she gets one, and I have to say, it wasn’t good. Here’s hoping he’s not a Jason Mesnick-esque kisser. One gal, Michelle, with the crazy eyes, proves herself to be the crazy one. She sulks alone and starts crying because “she deserves Jake” and she didn’t like seeing him around these other girls. Woh boy. Has she never watched this show? She corners Jake and pours her heart out. Jake looks scared. (Then again, Jake really only has one expression). Good thing Michelle is smokin’ hot. On Barney Stinson’s crazy/attractive scale, she is above the line.

And hey, look who’s back/didn’t get enough air time! It’s Jillian “I have a great personality” and Ed “Jeffrey Dean Morgan” from last season! Dammit why do I find Ed kind of cute! They are here to interview the women, and help Jake make his decision, because they are bffs. And they’ve been through this before so they know what it’s like. Or something. Jillian looks like she’s wearing aluminum foil. Oh, look Jillian has a notebook to take notes. Also, shut up. “What do you think aboooot Jake?

The rose ceremony. There’s tension. Jake hates having to do this. Blah blah blah. Chris announces that it’s the final rose of the night when one is left, because these women can’t count to one? There are tears, goodbyes, and everyone’s push up body tape starts to wilt. True to form, Cambodian woman is gone. Michelle is called last for dramatic affect. Of course, it also helps to be crazy so the producers will allow her to be on the show.

And then…previews of the season. No joke, Chris tells us “IT’S THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR. EEEVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRR.” Montage of dates and kissing, jake’s pecs, planes, blue eyeshadow, and Forever 21 wardrobes. They go to San Francisco at some point and ride a trolley. Why did I not know they were filming here? And then, some big drama. Jake is in an interview and says “I can’t even talk about it. I’m done. Interview over.”  And kicks a lamp. He’s a horrible actor. And he’s crying on a balcony (or is that stock footage of Jason?). And then someone voiceovers “how can you do that? Be here but still pursue another relationship” and then they show two of the gals hugging on a couch and giggling. Oh PLEASE tell me two of these woman start a lesbian affair on the show. But, doubtful.

I gotta tell you, I don’t know if I can do this weekly. Especially if each episode is 2 hours long. But I’ll try.

Regarding Jake: Unfortunately, I don’t think it will be easy to make fun of him, other than he’s just kind of…boring and ordinary. At least Jason had the “I’m a fun-loving Dad” going for him. And wasn’t that one lumberjack guy secretly a criminal? And Bob Guiney was like a modern-day Winston Egbert. Jake really has nothing interesting about him. He’s no Andrew Firestone, I’ll tell ya that.

But, people seem to love Jake, because apparently, people thought he had one of the best dates ever on the show. If that includes trying on gay cowboy gear and looking up Jillian’s dress, then ok. See for yourself. (The date actually starts at 2:17).

03
Jan
10

I guess this makes Jessica “Deepthroat”

By ihatewheat 20 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , ,

Cover Courtesy of The Closet

Ned Wake field is running for mayor of Sweet Valley! Here’s his campaign platform:

Qualifications: he’s handsome, dark and broad-shouldered. He’s a successful lawyer who practices all kinds of law: criminal, family, litigation, corporate, you name it!

He’s a family man- he’s so virile that he has identical twins! Oh, except for the fact that he is currently separated from his wife, Alice. Don’t let that get out to the press.

How does he stand on the issues?

ENVIRONMENT

We must protect the environment! Secca Lake must be kept to a standard! How else will the teens have a picnic! Miller’s Point must be registered in historical places so no mall will ever be built on them!

SAFETY

We really need to eamine our police department. We have the highest rate of murder, stalking, kidnapping, bombing per capita of any city on the world!

COMMERCE

We need to shut down all seedy bars, like Kelley’s. And open more joke shops whwere high school kids can get props for their comedy.

TOURSIM

We need to keep spreading the word that Sweet Valley is the best place to live in the world! We need more photo essays of this town! And for more teenagers to make documentaries about it!

—

Ok really folks, Ned is running for mayor but there  is no mention of his ideas, or even who he is running against. But anyway, who cares,right? it reminds me of when someone bought me the Barbie for president doll and her campaign platform was something like “kindness to animals, physical fitness, and world peace” or something like that.

Again, another misleading title and cover. It makes it seem as if the twins are hatching dueling schemes to get their parents back together. Really, it’s just Jessica being a selfish brat and seeing her parents’ separation as fullfilling her needs. In fact, she goes out of her way to try and set Alice up with men. One of them being Mr. Collins. He takes Alice out to dinner, probably to squint at her and pretend she’s Elizabeth. Elizabeth schemes to get her parents back together because…if they can’t be in love, THEN HOW CAN LOVE EXIST???

Oh yea, there’s a political scandal. If you were hoping for semen on a dress…come on this is Sweet Valley! You know better. Apparently some evil consultant, Mr. Knapp, framed Maria Santelli’s father, which is why he resigned as mayor. Now Mr. Knapp is helping Ned, and somehow tricking him into campaigning for a commercial development to be built on the beach. I don’t know, don’t ask. But, not their precious beach!!!! How will they still hold surf contests, have romantic strolls in the moonlight, and meet random men who turn out to be psychopaths??

But of course, Ned is clueless and the only ones that can help them are the Scooby gang. The twins and friends hideout in the campaign office and videotape Mr. Knapp or something. I’m being vague because I don’t really give a shit. Mr. Wakefield realizes that Peter Santelli was framed and should be reinstated as mayor.  Ned’s holier-than-thou behavior gets Alice all hot and bothered, and they get back together.

Oh, and Ned wants to better understand the plight of Sweet Valley’s homeless, so he wants to sleep out on the street for a night to understand. That’s right up there with blindfolding yourself so you know what it feels like to be blind.

30
Dec
09

I liked Robin Wilson better when she was fat.

By ihatewheat 25 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , , ,

Cover Courtesy of The Closet

I feel bad for Robin Wilson. Not only does she no longer remember what cheesecake tastes like, but she really is miserable all the time. So much for losing all that weight, winning Miss Slut Teen Valley or whatever, and being co-captain of the cheerleading team. And she doesn’t have those two candy bars smushed in her purse to look forward to as an afternoon snack. She must have lost her personality and backbone from dieting so much. All she does is mope around school with no true friends, and mope around until the weekend when she can see George Warren, and then mope when she’s out with him. This girl is just screaming for some Cymbalta, because her depression hurts everywhere. But she’s a cheerleader! And thin! Life should be perfect.

To make matters worse, her own mother sold her out for a new kitchen! Aunt Fiona, and it’s never explained whose aunt she is, has offered to pay for Robin to go to Sarah Lawrence College. If she enrolls, and a year early, not only will she pay, but she will also remodel the Wilson’s kitchen. Ms. Wilson already had her tiles picked out before she considered what Robin wanted. Robin has no backbone the entire book and misses out on every chance to stand up for herself. She is seething inside, and everyone talks about how Robin is independent and makes her own decisions…but Robin, you need to let people know what those are instead of just walking around, being all emo. Also, is Sarah Lawrence code for lesbian?

Well, Robin has a big diving match coming up, and everyone who’s anybody is going to be there, simply because Elizabeth wrote a feature on it in The Oracle. (Technically, shouldn’t John “Rapey” Pfeiffer be covering sports? Detail, details. ) Robin’s family and Aunt Fiona don’t come because they think it is a waste of time. And Robin’s mother is too excited on the plans for her new kitchen. Why don’t you take that money and get some psychotherapy for your daughter? George is at the match, and realizes that Robin’s family should be there, and goes home to get them. Robin, meanwhile, watching from the diving board, suspects that George is cheating on her and has a mini-mental breakdown. Yea, this girl’s self-esteem is through the roof! George brings her family back, Aunt Fiona has a change of heart, and Robin tells them that she doesn’t want to go to college early because she’s so happy in Sweet Valley. Really? All is well. Until Robin develops a raging case of anorexia.

Robin is Jo from The Facts of Life, and George is 39 years old.

This is definitely in the top 5 worst.

Oh yea, even the subplot is…what’s the word?…oh yea, FUCKING RETARDED. I hate to use that word, but nothing else really fits. Jessica has to make some money (I think to pay off a credit card debt or something) so she takes a babysitting job. A college guy who writes music needs someone to watch his sister so he can have time alone to compose music. Of course, this guy is the most!gorgeous!guy!Jessica’s!ever!seen! so she plots ways to be around him, and manipulating his sister to get his attention. When the guy seems annoyed by Jessica, she is dumbfounded- how is it possible that anyone can resist her? he must be faking it. Jessica tells him that she’s a master at the recorder* to impress him, so she figures she can learn to play the recorder in a day. She buys one, but of course gives up after five minutes because it’s not lip gloss or the local escaped mental patient she can flirt with.

Elizabeth wanders into her room one day (but how can she find anything? It’s like a TORNADO struck Jessica’s bedroom!) and picks up the recorder and plays it a little. Turns out she’s FANTASTIC at it, and loves it. However, she doesn’t want to tell Jessica, because she knows that she is always better than Jessica at everything and doesn’t want to make her feel bad once again. Chyah. So she sneaks around with the recorder while Jessica is not home. She shows more guilt over the recorder than she does when she cheats on her boyfriend of the moment. To not keep you in suspense, Jessica finds out, doesn’t give a shit, and Liz becomes a recorder virtuoso. Fuck a duck.

Oh yea, Jessica and her soulful musician. Finally, she resorts to fainting in front of him to get his attention. Musician guy is so upset that he reveals that all along he’s secretly liked Jessica (DAMMIT! Can anyone please reject Jessica? And not validate her selfish behavior?) and asks her out, although he’s off to Julliard in a few weeks. Jessica loses her boner because she doesn’t do long distance relationships. Well, at least she’s aware of it, considering she threatened suicide when her boyfriend was away for the weekend.

*Before you make fun of the recorder, I’ll have you know it’s way more than the plastic instrument you played “Hot Cross Buns” on in grade school. My mother is quite the accomplished player and performs with legit ensembles (and sometimes at Renaissance faires, to her chagrin). Shout out to my Mom! [waves].

28
Dec
09

The object of my camp fetish

By ihatewheat 14 Comments
Categories: other books

Check out those hunks in the background!

Caroline B. Conney, I salute you. How can I begin to thank you for bringing this book into my life? It has everything I love in a camp book: multiple perspectives, quirky campers, crushes, a harem of cute boys to pick from, bffs, nasty bosses, overnight trips, bitchy co-counselors, and a bittersweet ending.

Sadly, I am at a lost for words when I want to blog about something that is good. (Maybe I should explore that with my therapist?) If you didn’t catch this one the first time around, it’s worth seeking out. The main characters are Marissa and Violet, who at first seem very different, but end up uniting over their hatred of bitchy dance instructor Cathy (think Jessica Wakefield). Vi is a real girly-girl, and brought a trunk of makeup, but ends up proving herself. Vi wanted to be a counselor because her cousin met her husband working at a camp, but Vi doesn’t think about all the responsibility that camp brings. She ends up loving her campers and crushing on the various boys they work with. There are almost too many, I lose track of them.

Marissa is really relatable. She’s been a camp counselor for many years, and loved it, but as she’s gotten older and dealt with more teenage stuff, camp starts to suck for her when she’s not the popular one and she doesn’t really fit in with the cool crowd. She’s upset that camp just doesn’t do it for her anymore. She’s lusting after Sinclair, who is lusting after Cathy. She ends up becoming friends with a guy named Heath who is working at camp to hide out from the media, his father pulled a Bernie Madoff and it is all over the news.

Among other fun camp hijinks.

Ah, camp books.

23
Dec
09

Wow, did anyone ever tell you that you should be a model?

By ihatewheat 10 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , ,

Well, this will be an easy one to sum up. Just reread Alone In the Crowd and replace songwriting with basketball. And being frizzy-haired with being very tall. And Guy Chesney with Jim Roberts, who is apparently 43 years old.

Shelley Novak? Really tiresome. She’s super awesome at basketball, but that doesn’t stop her from moping around 24/7 because she’s too tall for boys to like her. She meets Jim at a dance lesson** and he takes pictures of her. CONVENIENTLY there’s a photo contest but Shelley makes him promise that he won’t submit any pictures of her because-my god, she’s so tall! And so thin! And athletic! God, it is so embarrassing! Well, Jim does submit it, he wins, Shelley gets mad, makes a hundred people tell her a hundred times that she’s gorgeous and should be a model, realizes Jim is the same height as her, they kiss, and everything is fantastic. Nevermind that she’s a talented athlete. At the final game, everyone in the universe shows up to cheer her on and of course she wins the championship game through the power of having a boyfriend. Aaaaannnd the women’s basketball team is never heard of again. The SVH cheerleaders also cheer at this game- I am surprised Jessica doesn’t protest because it’s not a men’s game.

Again, Shelley’s life problems are solved once she gets a boyfriend. And is being tall really that awful? Shelley is six feet tall and very thin and pretty, and apparently in Sweet Valley, there are model scouts crawling the place, but they never see Shelley? I’m also sick of these non-Wakefield characters moping around and thinking their lives suck and being totally self-absorbed. Yes, they are teenagers, but please, Sweet Valley needs to put Zoloft in the water pumping to all non-Wakefield homes. That or their parents need to smack some sense into them. In Ms. Novak’s defense, she does try. But of course, a mother’s love is no match for the kiss of a teenage boy.

**Yea, this happened. In order to create a plot device where Jim and Shelley meet, they have a college student majoring in dance just randomly offer to teach dance classes after school. And Jim and Shelley sign up, which is so ubnlikely because they are both really shy. There are no  other teachers/chaperones present, of course. It turns out this dancer guy is the most!gorgeous!guy!Jessica!has!ever!seen! and she and Lila and Amy make fools of themselves trying to get his attention. Turns out he has a girlfriend. In reality, he would likely be gay. Wahhh-waaaahhhhh. Wacky hijinks all around.

Wow, and the title- see what they did there? It’s a pun. And has not two- but THREE different meanings! Shelley does “perfect shots” in basketball, and she has the “perfect shot” at love, AND Jim takes the “perfect shot” of Shelley to enter in the contest. Bravo, writers. [slow clap]

18
Dec
09

Choose your own (mis)adventure: Two Boy Weekend

By ihatewheat 33 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , , , ,

You’re a popular, blond teenager. Your boyfriend is going to be away for four days. Do you:

  • (A) Pine after him by listening to your favorite songs that remind you of him, and spend the time hanging out with your girlfriends- it’s fun to have some girl time anyway!
  • (B) throw a massive temper tantrum, try to convince said boyfriend to cancel his plans despite it being important to him, practically threaten suicide, and sit on the beach for hours crying and feeling sorry for yourself

Great! You chose (B). Now, while you sit on the beach contemplating how awful your life is, you see a cute guy on the beach. Do you:

  • (C) Be faithful to your boyfriend for two fucking seconds. Maybe just admire him.
  • (D) Decide that he is the best looking guy you have ever seen and declare yourself in love with him. Of course agree to go out with him because he is instantly in love with you.

Great! You chose (D) You guys spend the whole weekend together. He doesn’t share anything about himself, but spends hours listening to you babble on about yourself.  After that weekend, and after your boyfriend returns, this guy, Christopher calls you incessantly after you ask him not too. Finally, you agree to go out with him one more time, and he threatens to smash into a brick wall with you in the car unless you promise to go out with him. Do you:

  • (E) tell your parents and seek help immediately. Maybe even call the police?….
  • (F) Decide to go out with him anyway, because you don’t want your boyfriend finding out about him. After all, your boyfriend is getting an award at a dance at the country club, and that will make you and him king and queen of the party, so you don’t want to miss that opportunity and therefore will continue to let Christopher harass you and threaten you. After all, you got a new dress!

You’ve chosen (F). Great! It’s the day of the party. However, Christopher finds out about the party, since he’s been stalking you. He shows up to break the news to your boyfriend, and probably to physically harm you for not choosing to be with him. When he arrives, he sees your identical twin sister and thinks it’s you. He starts talking to her and trying ti win her over. Should your twin sister:

  • (G) avoid this psycho, reveal herself to be your twin, alert some security at the party…or get the fuck away from this guy, or
  • (H) pretend to be you and agree to take a walk in the deserted woods with Christopher, so he won’t ruin your chances of being queen of the country club dance.

Well you chose…(H). Way to go…I guess? Still thinking your sister is you, he ties her up and shoves her in the trunk of his car in hopes of kidnapping her. This brings up some major issues because this is not the first time your sister was kidnapped. Not long ago, she was held hostage and fed frozen pancakes. Finally, after about an hour of dancing in the spotlight, you begin to feel a TAD BIT worried about your sister. You find her boyfriend and go off to find her. Just your luck! You catch them just as Liz is being thrown in the trunk. Jeffrey punches him out and you free Liz from the ropes. Yay! Does Liz:

  • (I) freak out from the incident, go ballistic on you, screaming for the police and have a flashback to her earlier ordeal?
  • (J) Hop out of the car, smooth her sensible skirt and laugh the whole thing off.

Great, you chose…..give me a fucking break. You chose (J)? Really? Really? Well, ok. So Christopher gets hauled off by security. Turns out he’s an escaped mental patient who has done this to girls before. Tee hee! Silly you! You probably should have asked more about him and not talked so much about yourself. You all head back to the party. Your boyfriend, A.J., asks you where you’ve been. You:

  • (K) Explain that you were cheating on him and because of your selfish actions, almost got your sister raped and/or killed.
  • (L) Say that things just aren’t working out, maybe you need time apart, and end up parting amicably so that the break up is NO FAULT of yours and he actually apologizes to you.

of COURSE you chose (L). You’re Jessica Wakefield.

—-

Francine, stop trying to make rape-chic happen. Seriously, were we supposed to think Jessica was dumb? Or that this was funny? What is the lesson learned? That they should just expect it because they are Wakefields, it’s part of life, if this happens it will all work out? That if they just ignore the guy threatening them, they can work it out themselves? That girls are powerless about the men that threaten violence against them? There was no lesson learned….Jessica has NO consequences from cheating on her boyfriend, not telling anyone about the guy threatening her, almost getting Elizabeth killed. She learns nothing. Elizabeth, as usual, enables her by cleaning up her mess.

Meanwhile, Jessica may be an even bigger sociopath than this Christopher guy. I’ve GOTTA transcribe Jessica’s reaction to A.J. having the NERVE to go away for four days. And when her friends wouldn’t wallow in her self-pity with her.

Her friends’ laughter drifted to her, and Jessica felt a surge of loneliness and betrayal. They were acting as if nothing was different, she thought. They weren’t making the least effort to cheer her up, and they were all going to Ken Matthew’s party later and didn’t even care if she went or not. I could disappear off the face of the earth, and they’d never know the difference. Feeling completely rejected, she dove into an oncoming wave and swam a few quick strokes out. She cut through another wave and felt her hair drag out behind her. They’d be really sorry if I drowned, she added silently. Then they’d wish they’d been nicer to me when they had the chance.

I call your bluff, Jessica. Drown yourself.

06
Dec
09

Mean People Suck.

By ihatewheat 79 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , , , ,

[Cover from The Closet]

So, Enid’s grandmother movies in with Enid and her mom and…

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Yea really, it’s that bad. There’s a reason that this was one of the first books I found but put off reading it. Grandma Rollins, who throughout the book is referred to as Mrs. Langeven, which really annoyed me, moves in after her husband dies, and proceeds to act like a manipulative self-centered wench. Enid feels bad and drops plans with her friends and her boyfriend Hugh to spend with her co-dependent grandmother. Gram, ehm, excuse me, Mrs. Langevin, sees the error of her ways after one outburst from Enid and decides to move back to Chicago. Case closed. The end. Whatever, I don’t even need to go into detail. (Although props to Ms. L for saying that Liz seems bossy.)

The subplot is infuriating. Susan Stewart’s famous director father (wow, she’s mentioned again?) has too much time on his hands, I guess, and sponsors a documentary film making contest. The Scooby gang decides to enter and make a documentary about…what else…. A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE TOWN OF SWEET VALLEY. We.get.it. You love it, it’s wonderful. Of course, Jessica is the host, and of course what’s featured is the beach and all the students of SVH. Of course, there’s no mention of the poor shitty area where Betsy Martin lives and where the Good Friends cult house is, or the Shady Lady. During one taping, Winston Egbert comes out of a joke shop (yes, in Sweet Valley it is possible for a joke shop to thrive) wearing an arrow through his head and follows Jessica around and stands behind her in the shots. Omg, he is HILARioius! He should be a comedian! They have a world premiere at the Wakefield’s split-level house, but then…the winner is never announced? This writing is so sloppy.

What I want to talk about is the very weird friendship between Liz and Enid. I know people have joked that they are lesbionic for each other, but I’m not really referring to that. Best friends in high school, no matter what “type” you are, share private jokes and laugh a lot. I mean, at any age, that’s what a best friend is. They just don’t do that. Enid’s whole world revolves around Liz, and doesn’t really have any other friends. They go to craft fairs and play recorders together. Whenever Enid is upset I half expect Liz to run over, whip out a boob, and start nursing Enid. Check out this exchange.

Elizabeth and Enid found an empty table [at the Dairi Burger] across the room and sat down gracefully. “You stay here,” Enid suggested, instantly rising to her feet, “and I’ll go get us some sodas. It’s so crowded today we’d probably lose the table if we both went. ” Elizabeth grinned up at her friend. “Ok- make it my usual, bartender. ” “One root beer, coming up!” With a salute, Enid turned and picked her way across the popular after-school hangout.

Shut up. Just shut up.

In other news, please read my column in the Oakland Examiner.

29
Nov
09

The ten commandments of the Wakefields

By ihatewheat 27 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , , ,

1. Jessica acts like a sociopath but everyone forgives her because…gosh darn it, it’s so hard to stay mad at her for long!

Jessica wants Liz to try out with her for a part as twins on a soap opera. Liz is like, above all that nonsense (despite filling in at the Miss Teen Sweet Valley Pageant, and appearing on the talk show as Jess) so Jessica tricks her into going by making her believe she’s been invited to a focus group about twins. Which of course, Liz is stoked about, because it’s super-important research . Then they have a fight in the waiting room for the audish, and they are so awesome they are hired right on the spot!

2. Liz Wakefield is an amazing writer and reporter, and we always need to be reminded.

Jessica finally convinces Liz to do the show when she sends her stuff to the Los Angeles Times and offers Liz up to write articles about the experience for the. The editor of the times says he knows her work because HE SCOURS HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPERS LOOKING FOR TALENT. Oh, jesus.

3. Ned and Alice come in last place for parents of the year.

Not only do they let Jessica go and party with the cast, she allows her to spend the weekend in LA with Lila and Amy under the watchful eye of Mr. Fowler. She also lets the star, Brandon Hunter, take her to a rock star’s house in the Hollywood Hills. Where they just hang around playing charades, not doing coke off every surface like it would be every week (Hey, I’ve seen Californication). Speaking of…

4. Famous movie stars and rock stars fall in love with one or more of the twins.

Jessica starts dating Brandon,despite him being twenty-two and she sixteen. Really? parents are ok with this? And the tabloids? pedo much?This is not the first time this has happened- Didn’t Elizabeth date some rock star in Malibu? And then later Jessica dates some guy in Manhattan? Not to mention Jeremy Frank, Jamie Peters…

5. The entertainment industry has no realistic rules.

Wouldn’t Jess and Elizabeth have to be supervised on the set?  Aren’t there child labor laws? Do all actresses really get to keep their outfits? Also, when Jess and Liz decide to get back at Brandon for being such a douche, they fuck up the scene to make him confused. Sure, great, waste the director’s and the crew’s time to suit your own needs. Furthermore, the show airs the same afternoon as it’s filmed. Really? Also, the director did not like how one of their final scenes worked out, so they DECIDE TO DO THE SCENE LIVE during the airing. REALLY? REALLY?

6. Everyone gives a shit about what the Wakefields do.

Apparently, everyone hears about Jessica’s dates with Brandon because they are ALL OVER THE TABLOIDS. I know soaps were way bigger in the early 90s, but really? All over the tabloids?  Perhaps in a sad little soap opera rag you see at the checkout stand. Everyone at Steven’s college is jerking off to the twins pictures apparently. And probably also Steven.

7. Once again, everyone forgives Jessica because she’s just so…well, she’s Jessica!

Elizabeth thanks Jessica for tricking her into doing it because she had so much fun. And Jessica basically cuckolds Sam in the tabloids, but he forgives her only after Jessica realizes Brandon is a douche. So she goes to her backup boyfriend. Sam, dieing a fiery death is much better than having to deal with this fucking maniac Jessica.

Also, this is an Elizabeth gem. The director asks her how she likes working on the show.

“I have to admit that at the beginning, I was skeptical, maybe even a trifle smug. I thought soap opera actors were overpaid and underworked, and I really didn’t see the appeal of watching a bunch of people dig themselves into one problem situation after another.”

“Liz!: Jessica tried to shush her.

“It’d alright,” William said, his eyes twinkling. “I appreciate her honesty. What do you think now?”

“Now I realize how hard everyone works to put out a good product. I plan to talk about the glamor and the hard work aspects in my latest article. And I appreciate how the cast and crew has been so open and helpful with me. “

Oh, gee Liz, thanks for giving your approval to soap operas, they were going to cancel them because of your disdain. Oh, and people digging themselves into one problem after another? Shall I count the number of times you’ve been threatened by a killer? Or saved someone’s life? Or started a class war? And did she use the words ‘a trifle smug”?

But, as a postscript, this is one of the “better” SVHs. And by “better” I mean quite entertaining with all the random shit they throw in and the ridiculous events. Also, Lila is the schemer who comes up with the ways to trick Liz. Lila is at her best when scheming.

Oh yea, that’s only seven commandments. Whatevevs.

22
Nov
09

Caitlin XXX

By ihatewheat 32 Comments
Categories: Caitlin

Caitlin: Always and Forever from Robin Hardwick on Vimeo.

The penultimate installment of Caitlin is seriously boring. It’s about business ethics and horses. Seriously.You can imagine my excitement at discovering that someone produced an “adult entertainment” version.

[CAITLIN]Oh, my life is wonderful. Here I am looking out from the balcony from my huge mansion at my engagement party. My life is perfect. My servants spent hours making the hoer d’oeuvres, the imported Tiki lamps cost more than what it would feed a family of three, my taffeta blue dress was custom made for me. And I am marrying my high school sweetheart, Jed. Never mind that most of the time I am with him we are fighting or he breaks up with me over suspicion of cheating, it’s love!

[MELANIE] Wow, I’m all growns up! No more am I Jed’s lil sis, I am a lady of the world. Hey, look, there;s Laurence Baxter, someone Caitlin used to date and who she set me up in New York with!

Hey little lady, you look all grown up! Let’s have a grown up conversation and a grown up date where you come back to my place!

Okay, let’s go! Never mind Caitlin told me you have a boyfriend, I’m a woman about town! A wo-man!

[They go back to his place and do it]

—

omg, I can’t believe that Grandmother, Regina Ryan, head of Ryan Mining, has died! And now she has left the company for me to run! I mean, in reality she would leave it to the board of trustees, but this is my book! It’s named after me!

[JED] Dayum Caitlin, I know this is your grandmother’s funeral, but you look super smokin’ in that sophisticated black dress. Also, I’m worried that you will want to stay in Virginia forever and not in New York with me, like I wanted. Remember, your needs don’t count as much as mine. I want you in the same city as me so I can treat you like crap in person.

Oh Jed, don’t you worry. This is only temporary.

[They do it in the graveyard. The other mourners watch for a bit and then join in.]

Wow, my first day on the job as the president of a corporation! The first thing I want to do is to make sure we don’t exploit all the natural resources and we don’t take advantage of the miners doing all the manual labor! Even though I am rich, I care about the poor! First, though, I need to redecorate my office. Let me call in expensive interior designers and also to put some of my original Rodin sculptures in here. I like to look at them when I work to remind myself that I’m the rich and I’m the por.

[The interior designer comes in to "take measurements" and "try out some furniture" if you know what I mean]

Well, now that that’s done, I’ll spend the afternoon redesigning the mining technology. Never mind that I no bippity about technology, these are things that a president of the company knows! Then I’ll sign some checks and read important documents. All that should take an hour, and then of course I am going to do a big tv interview, because America gives a crap about the president of a mining company.

—-

[HOWARD] Hey there! I’m the big-shot lawyer your father hired for you to take care of whoever is trying to bring down Ryan Mining! Did you know that your stock has been going down fast?

That’s not the only thing going down fast…

[78 minutes later]

Anyway, as I was saying, there are a few people I am going to go investigate to see if they are the culprit.

I thought you were a lawyer, not a private investigator…

Yea, but job titles don’t mean anything in this book.

Yea, here’s a job that matter…

[They do it on the desk.]

—

[COLIN WOLMAN]: Damn that Caitlin! It’s been a few years since she found out my scam to get her grandmother’s money, but I am still harboring on it because Caitlin is just so damn pretty and important not to obsess over.

[EVIL HENCHMAN]: Hey guy. You got the money? I’m ready to burn this gal’s barn down. I gotta know, what’s the reason?

I just want to watch her suffer! BWAHAHAHA!

Yea, well, it’s going to take more than two thousand bucks to get me to do this.

Oh yea, what will it take?

[They do it on the bar.]

—

Caitlin! Caitlin! I know who was trying to ruin your company! It was Colin Wollman! I stopped him. It will never happen again! He won’t try to do anything to you again!

Oh thank god! Thanks so much for saving my precious company. I really care about the less fortunate that my company employs. How about some caviar served by my house servants!

Hey Caitlin, I……oh Howard, I didn’t see you here.

Well, well, who do we have here?

[They do it while Caitlin watches. Some of the butlers and servants join in.]

Melanie, I can’t believe you are sneaking around and sleeping with Laurence! He has girlfriend! YOU TROLLOP!

I know, I am so ashamed. I need a man who can handle me better! Like this guy…what’s his name?

Omg, what’s that smell?

Well, you know, it’s …

No, something’s burning! I think it’s the stables!

[Outside]

Omg, I must save my precious horses! They’ll burn alive!

[sexily] Neigh! Neigh!

[Caitlin rushes in and Howard gets knocked unconscious.]

Oh my god! Someone help me! I’m just a woman!

Hey never fear! I just happened to jump on a plane to visit you at the exact time to get here and help you save everyone!

[Jed rushes in and pulls Howard from the wreckage.]

Well, Howard, looks like you need some mouth to mouth.

[They do it, while Caitlin and Melanie throw burning shrapnel on them.]

Wow, it looks like everything worked out!

Well, not EVERYTHING. I’ve decided that we are going to get married here and stay here. We’ll live at Ryan Acres and you’ll still be the head of Ryan Mining. Screw New York and our dreams!

Oh Jed, really? I can’t wait until we get married! Then we can finally have sex!

***This is actually the only time when the sex actually happened in the book. Before you get too excited, it was portrayed as Melanie and Laurence going to a romantic dinner, and skip to the next chapter where she is making breakfast for him while he is in the shower. I know, lame, but for a Francine Pascal book? Scandalous!

11
Nov
09

Working Class: Only if they are hot, please

By ihatewheat 27 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , , ,

I can’t believe at only book #19 the ghostwriters went downhill so quickly. Also, I was kind of saving this one for a bit because I thought it would be one of the more fun ones. Why do I continue to have expectations?

What this book could have been:

  • Lila and Jessica both have an interest in the same guy.
  • The guy seems mysterious and too good to be true.
  • Lila and Jessica both try antics that result in hijinks to compete for the guy
  • They both realize the guy is not worth it and decide to remain friends (frenemies)
  • OR the guy realizes the girls are mean-spirited and dumps them both, both teaching them a lesson

What we get is:

  • Jack is a LOWLY construction worker that Lila meets, and everyone is all judgmental and disgusted by that. However, Lila’s digging it and declares him her new man. Everyone is convinced that Jack is really hiding some secret identity, like he’s the prince of some tiny nation, because no one can REALLY be just a construction worker. Ugh, the working class!
  • Jessica proves her insane sociopath personality and hits on Jack at Lila’s party while Lila is not looking and gives Jack her phone number. Really Jess? You are a disgusting, mentally ill manipulator.
  • Jack begins to date both the women, but only Jessica knows. Jack convinces Jessica that he went out with Lila because he felt bad for her. After one, date, Jack and Jessica are walking on the beach and Jessica declares she is in love. From what? He smells her hair and he talks about how hot she is. Furthermore, Jack, who is older and has his own apartment, doesn’t even try to tap that ass. yea right.
  • After one weekend together, Jack tells Lila he wants to marry her. Because…why? All we see is them making lovey talk over lunch. Francine, can you please show the normal steps of attraction? Even with teenagers?
  • Coincidentally, Nicholas Morrow sees Jack out with Jessica and recognizes him as someone he used to go to prep school with in Connecticut. What are the odds? Also, Francine, did you know that there are other states on the east coast besides Connecticut? Nicholas remembers that Jack had an evil side and held a girl at knifepoint at school and was kicked out. Also he had violent mood swings that made him like “Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.” In other words, he was probably bipolar. But god forbid these books are medically correct.
  • Nicholas uses this an excuse to go impress Liz by being the hero and saving Jessica. Nicholas, Liz, and Nicholas’ unimportant friend go to Jack’s apartment to save Jessica. Well, good! They are just in time! Jessica, determined to find Jack’s real identity, rifles around in his bathroom and finds a shoebox of pills and marijuana. Oooooo nooo, teh drugs! If having a shoebox full of pills and a pinch of skunk is a crime, than put me away forever. When Jessica confronts Jack, he holds her at knife point. Good judgment on guys, Jess! Well, this wouldn’t have happened if Jack worked at, say,  his father’s company, but he was a construction worker, for god’s sake.
  • The Scooby squad bursts in and saves Jessica at the last minute! Boy was that lucky! They all laugh about Jessica’s shenanigans with boys and then go out for a triple bacon cheesburgers at the Dairi Burger. You know, normal reactions when your life is threatned by the man you thought you loved. Deb Morgan would agree.
  • There is never a g-damn SHOWDOWN between Lila and Jessica, so wtf? Liz calls Lila to find out Jack’s address, Liz tells her that Jess has been seeing Jack and now Jack is probably trying to kill Jessica, Lila responds with “thank Jess for saving me the trouble!”. Ok.
  • Oh? And the subplot? Penny Ayala has mono (what? I thought guys didn’t want to kiss her? ZING!) so Liz of course is taking over as editor and she’s a fucking martyr about it. Turns out there’s a fantastic photographer at SVH who leaves their photos under the Oracle door. Liz wants to find out who it is, and it turns out that it’s Tina Ayala, Penny’s sister, who doesn’t want Penny to know its her because Penny never takes her seriously. Liz, always happy to tell families what to do, and convinces Tina to tell Penny. Well, this happens “offscreen” and all is well. Way to build up tension and suspense, ghostwriters. NOT.

Wow, what. an. absolute. stinker. The plot made no sense, had no purposeful plot turns and devices, and none of the conflicts were ever resolved thoroughly. Why was Jack even manipulating the two girls/ just because he was crazy and on drugs? Well, the one thing we got was a great cover, loving Lila’s pearls and general hotness, where Jess looks like an anorexic soccer mom.

Jack has got some game! Here’s how we wooed the ladies:

The ocean wind blew softly as they strolled down to the water’s edge. “It’s so vast, so wild,” Jack reflected as he stared out at the seemingly boundless sea. “It makes you feel like nothing more than one of these tiny grains of sand. Know what I mean?”

and here’s the deal sealer:

“I think I’ll name a star after you.” He and Jessica looked upward. Every star in the sky sparkled like a cut diamond. “That one,” Jack proclaimed, reaching his finger out to point towards the star. “Because it shines more brightly than all the rest.” Jessica followed his outstretched arm with her eyes. “But, Jack, that’s the North Star!” “Not to me, it’s not. Not any longer.” Jack carewssed Jessica’s cheek with his fingertips. “From now on that star is called Jessica, and every time I look at it, I’ll tink of this wonderful evening.”

Wow, it was great seeing my lunch again.

02
Nov
09

“Bruce Patman’s Advice for Dating”

By ihatewheat 29 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , , ,

Actual product sold at the fund raiser*.

I find it interesting, since the last post about Lila’s Story, all the love for Lila coming through. I’m not excluding myself from this, you all know my love for Lila. In fact, so much that I role play Lila (halp!) I also know a good chunk of us would consider giving it up for Bruce Patman in the backseat of 1BruCE1 (again, myself included, god help me).

The question is, even today, as adult, smart, strong, independent women, we still find Lila and Bruce to be the “favorites.” Why is that? Shouldn’t we, looking back, realize that the characters we should like the most are, say, Olivia Davidson? She’s smart, artsy, independent and likes to go against the crowd? What about Liz, who is loyal to her friends, likes to write, and is passionate about issues? We still find them irritating. Yet we find a gal who is essentially a spoiled brat who gets her rocks off putting down others. (Sorry Lila, you know it’s true girl)

It makes sense for us as pre-teens to love them because as pre-teens we are told through peers and media that money and looks are what matters. True, that message is still around us all the time, but as adults, shouldn’t we have a better time seeing through that? I think it is that Francine (aka ghostwriters) did such a good job of consciously AND unconsciously validating the characteristics of the rich, good looking characters and making them the protagonists, and having the other characters always ruining their fun. So much to the point that even today, we as adults rereading them root for the Bruces and the Lilas of the story.

I’m not calling anyone else about that, because I consider myself one of these people. I find myself cheering when Lila makes a snarky comment or devises an evil plan and rolling my eyes whenever Liz brings up some issue about basic human goodwill. If all of us smart women of today are buying into that, what hope was there for us as awkward tweens?

Anyway, moving on to Bruce. I gotta say, I wanted more insight into Bruce’s mind. How does he feel about all the women he’s (supposedly) conquested? Does he keep a Barney Stinson-esque list? What are his techniques? How often does he look at himself naked in the mirror and talk to his cock? Does he even have any male friends? Does he actually talk to anyone in the senior class? Sorry, none of that. We get a watered down narrative about Bruce’s temper tantrums and his rich white man problems.

I want to take a swim in his chin cleft.

Furthermore, Bruce doesn’t even get the point of view narrative through the whole thing! The twins even get some screentime! And, as we are reminded for the gazillionth time, Roger has just moved in after he found out he is a Patman, and he is having a hard time adjusting to the new lifestyle. Ok, we get it. Just eat some caviar and enjoy it already. He is happy that Bruce is finally acting like a friend. The ice queen Marie Patman still hates him. Man, she is a piece of work.

Strangley, we get a Claudia Kishi-esque description of Bruce’s outfit:

Bruce was wearing a navy linen sports coat and an imported silk tie. The creases in his gray trousers looked as if they’d been cut with a knife. He had even slicked his hair back with a dab of gel. Bruce looked fantastic- his dark, chiseled good looks shown off to their best advantage.

Grandpa Patman is paying them all a visit, who started the big Patman fortune (I thought they were old money?) Gramps prides Bruce in being Bruce, and chides Roger for having his shirt untucked and not caring about the family business. Like Bruce does? He spends most of his time stroking 1BRUCE1, pressing pleats into his chinos and lightly brushing girls’ breasts.

A typical Friday night for Bruce.

Gramps proposes a contest between the two boys- he gives them two thousand dollars each, and gives them four weeks to see who can make the most profit off of it. What then ensues is some of the dumbest hijinks ever. Hold that thought.

Meanwhile, SVH has dopted project SAVE, and one member of each of the grades is selected to the committee. I’ll give you three guesses who the junior class rep is. Tracy Atkins is the senior class rep, and Bruce is getting a hard on for her because she just got a new haircut that according to him, makes her look like “a supermodel”. Bruce is obsessed with her, despite her disinterest in him. She’s got no personality, kind of a hybrid of Liz and pe-makeover Lynne Henry. Oh no wait, her “special needs” little brother goes to the Nicholson school that project SAVE is fund raising for. Apparently, the school needs five thousand dollars to stay open another year. Jeez. What sort of crap school is this? Taught out of a cardboard box? That pays for crayons, maybe.

Also, Regina is never mentioned by Bruce, nor is Bruce’s feelings about her death. Supposedly it happened during that school year, but either he is totally over it or the ghostwriters didn’t want to bother with that extremely important plot point. Also, he interacts with Liz, who finds him slightly annoying. Did he not remember the coma-date-rape incident? Tracy Atkins asks Liz for advice about Bruce, and Liz is all, “if you like him go for it!” What a friend.

Bruce has a 1BRUCE1 fender-bender and needs it fixed, so that’s $500. Then he decides to buy $100 concert tix to surprise Tracy with. Who declines him after Bruce shows up at her house unannounced expecting her to drop everything and go with him. The nerve of that girl! Bruce can hardly believe it either. Then Bruce plays poker with some guys from the country club, and loses seven hundred dollars. Roger meanwhile, is unsuccessfully at the stock market. Yes, this sounds riveting, doesn’t it?

Liz and her saint-in-training Tracy think of the perfect fund raising idea: Harbor Days! For two Saturdays, vendors will set up booths in the park and give half the profits to the charity. Any SVH student can also set up a booth. That is….not really a good fund raising idea. Plus, the four students seem to pull this together in about three days with no adult help. Chya right. Bruce first decides that he wants to sell copies of his black book of all hot girls’ phone numbers. For real, he really thinks this is a good idea. Luckily Tracy come up with the idea that Bruce should sell “Bruce Patman’s advice for Dating” books. So, he writes the book in like a day and they create copies and are ready to go. Here’s a sample:

What do you say to a girl you’ve just met who you want to go out with? A. You’re gorgeous, B. I dive a Porsche. Want a Ride? C. You’re in for the best night of your life now that you’ve met me. D. All of the above.

Roger decides to sell white caps that he will custom make for people. What? Who will buy those? Since when is he a good artist? Oh, it was the eighties. Bruce, being Bruce, sabotages his paint and trades the waterproof paint for water soluble paint and gets a kid to start throwing water balloons on them. Ruh-roh! For the second Harbor Days, Roger sells enlarged photographs taken by Jim, that guy who started the photography club. Bruce decides to sell homeade ice cream. Yes, it is that ridiculous. Bruce has a plan to once again sabotage Roger’s photo paper, but doesn’t at the last minute. That makes him think he is a hero.

Tracy finds out about Bruce’s antics and breaks it off with him, and Bruce gets a bit of a guilt complex and ends up just giving all his money to the SAVE charity. And, fior that matter, why is SAVE always capitalized? Is it an acronym? So, at his parents coming-home-from-vacation-surprise-party-that-for-some-reason-SVH-students-were-invited-to, Grandpa Patman wants to declare a winner of the contest. Turns out Roger also gave his profits to charity, so they are both broke. Grandpa Patman realizes the error of his ways and apologizes for the contest. Hank Patman also says that Patman industries will be the benefactor of the Nicholson school and it will never have to close. Seriously, he could have decided that sooner so the Project SAVE committee wouldn’t have to go through all the trouble. A tie is declared. Does that mean they will both run the company? Neither? Never really resolved. Are we surprised? Nope.

I wish this never existed. It didn’t do anything to redeem Bruce, and it didn’t to anything to make us hate Bruce, in a good way. Only when he is a secondary character in other books do we get his one-eyebrow-raised, smarmy remarks that we love so much. Here he seemed- developmentally challenged. And not just immature in the way he deals with girls, but seriously challenged socially and mentally. He is completely clueless on picking up the social cues of others, and not just because he was too confident. But because he just…couldn’t. And aside from a brief fling with Tracy and a poker game with someone he knew somewhat, no friends were mentioned. Really, Bruce? Is that why you try to fill that void in your soul with fast cars and innocent women? We can’t expect the ghostwriters to be that deep.

*Cover done by my amazing friend John who has an uncanny talent for creating fake album/book covers.

20
Oct
09

Poor Little Rich Girl

By ihatewheat 54 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , , ,
Courtesy of The Closet

Courtesy of The Closet

Oh Lila. Why do you have to be this way? We love your cool, snarky exterior but when you got your own Super Star, we thought we’d see the real Lila, one that was actually cool and smart and had it together. Unfortunately, it took for you to experience sexual assault until you had feelings and dealt with your problems and had emotions.

Mr. Fowler (who I imagine as John Hamm) has a new ladyfriend, Joan, who has a daughter Jacqueline. Fuck, I have to type that name every time. Lila suspects Joan is after her father’s money, because she never pays for anything and they always are staying at Fowler Crest (in the guest room of course!). Lila tries to tell her father but he won’t have it, he’s totally hot for Joan. Lila and her father have an odd relationship, but that’s the most obvious statement ever. Also, did you know that the Fowlers have a housekeeper named Eva? Who Lila has known since she was little? Not like we ever hear from her. And I hope Eva gets a good fucking salary, because you wouldn’t believe the crap she needs to do. Joan and Jacqueline are over for lunch, and Eva has to prepare lobster tails and shrimp cocktail, creme brulee and swan ice sculptures.

Meanwhile, Lila’s got problems of her own. She meets Evan Armstrong as a concert, and decides she’s in love. Evan is nuttin’ special. Kind of a cross between Todd and Ken Matthews, if you can imagine that snoozefest. Problem is, he’s dating some gal named Sonia. Lila enlists Bruce into luring Sonia away. And damn! The sexual tension between Lila and Bruce jumps out of the page. Bruce of course has Sonia dropping her panties at the first revving of 1BRUCE1, and Lila seduces Evan with her womanly wiles.

So, Lila’s scheming to get Evan is pretty much like Joan scheming to get George Fowler, amiryte? You’d think it was a parallel story, right? Let’s not give the ghost writers that much credit. Joan and George leave for the week and leave the gals at Fowler Crest. Jacqueline reveals herself to be a scheming shrew, and steals Lila’s car to go off and jaunt with Lila’s friends who love her.

Finally, Lila is able to reveal Joan’s true intentions by hiding microphones in her dressing room before the wedding, while she conveniently talks about her scheme to marry him and take his money. George apologizes profusely to Lila, and somehow is not too upset, and decides to make the wedding a party for Lila instead. Woopsies! No real adult reactions allowed in Sweet Valley. Meanwhiles, Lila finds out that Evan has been canoodling with Jacqueline, but dumps his ass before he can dump hers. So really, Lila didn’t really learn a lesson, she just got away with her bratty tactics. And the universe is aligned in the world of Sweet Valley.

You know what? I don’t even think Liz was in this book. So it had that going for it.

07
Oct
09

Project Youth: solving your teen’s problems, one condescending phone call at a time

By ihatewheat 39 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High
Tags: , , ,

I don’t think I even need to describe the plot of this. If you’ve seen The Truth About Cats and Dogs, you are all set. Denise and Ginny are best friends who obviously don’t matter because this is the first time they are mentioned. Ginny is shy and mousy, Denise is popular and pretty. Denise is tired of Ginny being such a sack of pathetic shit, so she convinces her to volunteer at Project Youth, where local teens call in the get help with their problems, like which silk jumpsuit to where to Lila’s party. On her shift, Ginny talks to Mike, who is having problems with his new stepdad, and wants to run away from home. Ginny talks him out of it, and Mike is in love with her. He asks to meet in person, and since Ginny is a brunette and “mousy”, knows he will vomit when he sees her. So she convinces Denise to meet him instead and pretend to be her. Mike is really hot and Denise gets all hot for him, so she continues to date him. Mike is a moron and can’t tell that it’s not really Ginny. Denise brings Ginny along for a date, and she and Mike hit it off. Okay, some mixups and tears happen, and Mike figures out what happened and he and Ginny fall in love and suddenly all of Ginny’s self-esteem issues are solved, natch. Also, Mike is not really all that (see cover pic). Also, did you know that Denise Hadley sits with Lila and Jess and the crowd at lunch? Yea, me neither until now.

Meanwhile, Amy Sutton shares with the twins that a girl called the PY hotline complaining that she was being sexually harassed by a teacher. (This is at a school other than SVH. Let’s say it’s Big Mesa. They’ve got all sorts of fucked up stuff going on there, like making the kids go to eight periods a day). Liz gets all in a huff and decides she MUST write an expose on this. Yea, of course Mr. Collins is a bit uncomfortable, but probably thinks it’s some sort of hint from Liz, and goes on and supports it. Liz goes off and makes love to her typewriter, meanwhile Chrome Dome gets word of it and decides to forbif it because…well, he’s the fucking principal and it’s a dinky student newspaper. Liz gets all huffy and claimes that the way the admin is shutting her down is akin to how some girls are shit down by being sexually harassed. Surprisingly, Bruce Patman and Rick Andover were not contacted for a counter-point editorial. Liz decides to print it anyway, on separate paper that she hads out. Ah, the world before blogs. Obvs, the article is so amazing and she is so strong in her convinctions that Chrome Dome backs down and apologizes to Liz profusely.

Let’s get back to Project Youth. What the fuck? Are they really that busy that they have like 5 volunteers at a time manning the phones? Also, they let Amy Sutton answer the phone. That should tell you something. It is also revealed that the Morrows gave a generous donation to Project Youth in memory of Regina. Because “If a teen line had existed sooner, Regina would have had someplace to turn when she was in trouble.” Uhhuh. Also, didn’t the Morrows contribute to the new darkroom? What’s next? A new hamburger at the DB named for Regina?

Some quotes too good to ignore:

Lila being awesome:

“It’s not nothing” Penny cut in. “I’m taking this very seriously.” “So am I,” Elizabeth said. “OK, now we’re all curious,” Enid said with a smile. “What are you two getting so worked up about?” Lila yawned. “Probably something like whether or not to change the typeface in the newspaper.”

Make sure you haven’t eaten anything for the last four hours before reading this.

Todd leaned against the wall and folded his arms. “Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that you care more bout your word processor than you do about me.” “Don’t  say that!” Elizabeth smiled. “My word processor doesn’t kisss the way you do.” “Yeah, but it’s better at spelling,” Todd murmured,pulling her close for a kiss.

28
Sep
09

An Open Letter to Diablo Cody

By ihatewheat 76 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High and bonus

Hey Diablo! I hear you read this blog on occasion, so I thought I’d give this a try. A few days ago I posted my first reactions to the news that you are going to adapt Sweet Valley High into a movie.  I have to say I was premature in my judgement. I’m waving the white flag here (or a purple one, if The Unicorns designed it) As far as calling yo0u overrated, that was perhaps kind of hasty as well. I found Juno enjoyable, but I believe what made me kind of annoyed by it was all the hoopla around it- people were quoting it constantly who shouldn’t be quoting it, and it kind of became like Napoleon Dynamite, which is a good movie, but now seems kind of annoying because people quote it too much, you know? I haven’t seen Jennifer’s Body yet, and I do plan to- despite if I enjoy the movie or not, the whole concept is completely awesome.

And then my brain fart- I had totally forgot about United States of Tara, which is fantastic. How could I forget that? And then, reading your twitter posts, you get it. You are one of us! Not someone who will take our beloved book series and make it into some Hollywood rom com or typical teen comedy! You won me over when you told Bruce Patman: “Bruce, you’d better stop lightly touching breasts.” and then you told Liz: “You’ll need to suffer personality-changing skull trauma if you really want to be popular. Now get on that motorcycle.”

Many of us are still holding onto the dream that Sweet Valley Heights will still be published. [Damn you Francine!] I’ve already given up on that, but now I have the new hope that I will see Sweet Valley High on the screen as it should be! From someone who read all the books! From a quick imdb.com check, we are exactly the same age, so I’d imagine we first read the books around the same age, and possible had the same reactions.

I also want to give my support to a woman working in the film industry who doesn’t just write rom com vehicles for Katherine Heigl. Or whose female characters sole purpose is to have a happy ending with a guy. On a shallow note, who also wore leopard print to the Academy Awards, which was so Very.

I know as the writer you don’t have complete control over every aspect of the film, but I am sure the community here has some suggestions for you. I wrote up mine but I can’t publish it here because I’ve already published it at film.com so please check it out over there.

I know that other folks in this community are extremely excited and invested in the idea, and have suggestions as well, and I am sure will leave them in the comments.

Love,

Robin (aka ihatewheat)

22
Sep
09

Harder Better Faster Stronger

By ihatewheat 24 Comments
Categories: Sweet Valley High

Let’s not beat around the bush on this one. Tony Esteban is a fucking idiot. And rarely ever heard from again. And possibly a token non white person, although it was kind of ambiguous.

Tony is the star athlete of the track team (wasn’t that Roger? Never mind.) And his father has high hopes and lives vicariously through Tony because Papa Estaban had a promising football career but then his wife got sick so he had to give it up. Seriously, what a fucking wench. Isn’t that the plot of every book having to do with an athlete?

Tony hurts his knee during a big match and is paranoid that he won’t do well for an upcoming meet where an Olympic coach is looking for recruits. Tony works out at the local gym and hangs out with a gym rat named Lou who gives him “magic vitamins” to make him do better. The fact that Lou likes to hang around with teenage boys at the gym is the first of many red flags.

Tony is dating Annie Whitman. Apparently he doesn’t mind that she’s a dirty whore and dated over two guys in her life. Annie gets concerned about these “magic vitamins”. Tony is in denial that they are steroids. And seriously, the amount of times “magic vitamins” is printed in this book makes me want to scream. So, Annie has a cousin who is some biology lab mad scientist creates fake placebo pills that she replaces the “magic vitamins’ with to prove to Tony that they are just having a placebo affect. And the writers just shot themselves in the foot with that one because earlier in the book they mentioned that Tony was becoming all aggressive and irritated without him knowing why, so how is that placebo affect?

Meanwhile, Roger has a family friend, a kid named Mitch who is sent to stay with the Patmans because he was misbehaving at home and was caught drinking (and apparently, the Patman estate is liquor free and reeks of high morals). He ends up idolizing Tony and it makes Tony realize that he can’t take steroids because he’s a role model! Or something. And yea, he does the right thing and turns himself into the coach and all this shit and everyone forgives him and Liz takes credit for turning his life around. And Tony’s Dad suddenly is all good and tells Tony that sometimes parents learn lessons from their children and of course isn’t mad. And Annie and Tony smooch and make up.

and OH MY GOD the subplot. Todd is getting annoyed because he and Liz never get any time to themselves so they can spend time not having sex, because they are SO POPULAR that they can never get away from their friends. Life is hard. SO unbeknownst to each other, they both hatch the same plan to kidnap each other to go to a fancy inn for dinner. And Todd has Winston grab Liz, blindfold hwer and force her into his car. Yea, great fucking idea Todd, especially since LIZ WAS ACTUALLY ONCE KIDNAPPED. Way to be sensitive about it. However, Liz doesn’t even seem to make the connection or mention the other kidnapping thus proving that these suck so bad that even the ghostwriters don’t read the ones they don’t write. Surely that came up in an editorial meeting, but someone gave the go ahead because they were too lazy to think of something else.

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