The Dairi Burger

Robin Wilson should be in the X-Men

November 18, 2008 · 22 Comments

[photo from The Closet]

Can we come to a consensus that this may be one of the best covers ever? Robin is GORGE! FEROSH! FIERCE! (I’ve been watching Season 4 of Project Runway). She does look a bit like Britney Spears in the face. Also, cute shirt! But look, it’s so beeeg! She us just wasting away!

Ok, so this book was especially difficult to read, especially as someone who has struggled with weight issues since…well, birth.I will give this ghostie credit; they did seem to do some research about eating disorders.

We once again are from the viewpoint of Robin Wilson, only 70 books later and after her magical transformation. However, she is still unhappy, maybe even more so. She is really insecure about her boyfriend, George Warren, who isn’t coming home from college to see her as much and he is spending time with his attractive partner. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER, RIIIIGGHHHHT?

Robin is quite insecure, and acts all passive-aggressive with George and doesn’t say how she is feeling but acts all withdrawn and mopey. I want to hate her for it, but she does have some issues, and hasn’t exactly have friends who role model appropriate relationships. Which brings me to…Robin still hangs out with the cheerleader/sorority gang who she supposedly was shunning? I guess Maria and Sandra are alright (i.e. boring) but she is around Jessica a lot, and Jessica still hasn’t gotten over the fact that Robin was once fat. In fact, they all are planning a fundraiser with the world’s largest ice cream sundae, which Robin was in charge of, but Jessica keeps passive-aggressively taking over. Ugh. And Robin kind of takes it. And does she really want to be a cheerleader that badly? She’s also on the diving team. Which leads me to something else: Robin gets thin and suddenly she’s a superior athlete. Doesn’t that take some work? You can be thin and a shitty athlete, easily. This concept is insulting to athletes. Wow, is there anyone SVH doesn’t offend?

And since when are Robin and Elizabeth such besties? Of course it is convenient for Liz to be the friend so she can jump in and save her.

Robin at first feels that she needs to be skinnier so George will not dump her. But then it kind of spirals out of control and Robin stops eating as a sense of control because she is so anxious about planning the fundraiser and not being confident in her relationship with George. And it is pretty heartbreaking and shockingly realistic when she has a panic attack when trying to eat her lunch.

BUT as serious as her eating disorder is, about a week or two passes and suddenly her cheerleading uniform is 3 sizes too big and her bathing suit is practically falling off. I mean, seriously? This girl has insane metabolism. I mean, seriously, if skipping dinner one night allows her to lose 20 pounds, what the fuck? Either that or she has an insane mutant X-Men superpower.

Finally, at the fundraiser she collapses from pneumonia from having not eaten. I’m no eating disorder treatment expert, but at the hospital, a doctor comes in and curtly says “you have anorexia. So eat your breakfast.” Um, problem solved?

George comes to see her in the hospital and is concerned and apologizes for being distant. Now, the way this COULD have gone was that George could have said, I love you, you’re beautiful, and George’s love could have cured her and they all go laughing off to the Dairi Burger for triple cheeseburgers. (Kind of like that rad episode of Full House where DJ is ano for a day and then after the big family talk, they all have a spaghetti dinner and stuffs her face.) BUT, some credit here, Robin acknowledges that the problem lies within her and having George as a boyfriend doesn’t solve everything, and she needs to get help before she can be with him again. Well done, ghostwriter, whoever you are.

Lois Waller makes an appearance again, only for Robin to be mortified at how Lois can be so chubby and STILL have a boyfriend? I think Robin is more baffled by Lois’ apparently healthy attitude toward her body. Go Lo!

Um, yea. Pretty intense. I have to say it was handled better than I thought, but of course the issue is not brought up again and Jessica starts picking on fat girls again.

Quotes!

“Why is everyone in this country so obsessed with being skinny?” asked Elizabeth angrily. “it’s not right. Girls and women are made to feel ugly if they don’t look like models or beauty pageant contestants.” Um, maybe BECAUSE OF BOOKS LIKE THESE?

[Elizabeth] glanced over at Lois one more time. Lois would never be a fashion model, but she clearly had a great relationship with Gene, and her outlook on life was completely optimistic. So what difference did it make if she couldn’t wear size-six jeans? None at all, Elizabeth told herself confidently. None at all. SMUG BITCH!

→ 22 CommentsCategories: Sweet Valley High
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Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide, p. 2

November 16, 2008 · 21 Comments

Firstly, 5 reasons why you’ll hate the movie.

This week we have some key scenes from Chapters 3-5 summarized for you, so you don’t have to read it yourself. We are lucky to have Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart do a reading, to give them practice for their upcoming roles.

Lad-i-dah, lad-i-dee, I am just not paying attention in the school parking lot, because I’m so aloof and lost in my thoughts about being stuck in this hick town. Wait, what’s that? It’s a van coming right towards me!

To the rescue! Zap! Zoom! Woosh! I’ll use my my super fast but super secret vampire powers to save you Bella!

Oh my gosh! What happened? Edward, I know I saw you appear before me suddenly, and I’m the only one who saw it because these small-town idiots I go to school with are too stupid to realize anything is unusual until lil ol’ introspective me came along.

Oh Bella, you are such a fucking bitch. I hate you. Wait, I’m flirting with you. Wait, I’m hating you again.

Nothing turns me on better than being treated like shit one minute and nice the next. Have you heard of the behavioral psychology concept of intermittent reinforcement? That’s totally what’s going on here.

At the hospital…

All the unnamed kids at school, whose individual characteristics are too boring to differentiate: Bella, we are here to see if you are all right! We care about you!

Oh, your being here is such an annoyance. Especially since you all treat me so nicely and not like crap.

Oh Bella are you all right? I was so worried.

Dammit Charlie, your weak attempts to show concern do not fit my standards of parenting.

The next day…

Tyler and Mke: Bella, you must come to the dance with us! We love you! You are so amazing!

Ick, why don’t you all leave me alone? How dare you show interest in me, I am all so much better than you. Plus, I only date guys who are mean to me.

Ha, that was really funny! You don’t think for a second I would ask you, right? I have to appear so aloof and scary. Plus, we need to stay away from each other, we shouldn’t be friends. Stay away from me! [That sort of reverse psychology will make her drop her panties in a second.]

→ 21 CommentsCategories: Twilight

Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide, p. 1

November 15, 2008 · 40 Comments

Twilight is turning into a cult. I had to see what all the hype is about. My nature is to already hate it, and of course my nature is to rip anything to shreds. My experience thus far is that Twilight fans are rabid, no-mercy maniacs, so I am putting on my web armor for this one. My dream was to create a Cliffs Notes as seen here, but I’ll settle for an academic study guide. Hopefully I will finish this before the movie, which I will most likely see and hate on as well.

Chapters 1 & 2

In which we meet Isabella “Bella” Swan, who makes a large sacrifice to move herself to the small town of Forks, Washington. This sacrifice tells the reader that she is a selfless person, but will probably not let us forget it, because she will probably complain about the town ad nauseum. As a teenager, she feels pity for her father Charlie, who is probably overjoyed at reuniting with his daughter.

Despite being nervous about fitting in at her new school, many of the other students welcome her and pay loots of attention to her, Because Bella still thinks of this place as a small town, she does not appreciate the attention, probably because the students are not attractive enough.

The attractive kids, are the Cullens and the Hale clique, who despite being assholes to Bella, she feels they are the ones worth knowing. In fact, Edward is disgusted by her and begs to be transferred out of her biology class.  This utter lack of disgust only turns Bella on, going against the grain of a healthy sense of self.

When Edward decides she is worthy of talking to, Bella jumps at the chance despite the fact that she is unsure if he is mocking him. In the end, it doesn’t matter because when attractive people pay attention to us, we must always heed their requests.

Discussion questions:

How does Bella’s transformation to a single-parent father household contribute to the overall theme of patriarchy in society?

How does Bella’s displacement to a small town society illustrate the curse of modern sociological-behavioral theory?

What did all the small town hicks in the school do before someone as exciting as Bella came into their lives?

Themes explored: isolation, father-figures, teen angst, teen hormones, the Greenhuse Effect.

→ 40 CommentsCategories: Twilight

Yea, because that’s the most logical explanation.

November 13, 2008 · 28 Comments

[photo from The Closet]

Andrea Slade is the new girl, that’s who. Instead of Liz putting her hand on her shoulder, we have the other option, Jessica looking with such hatred that it may cause the person to try to kill themselves. However, love Andrea’s “bish plz” look.

So Andrea Slade is the new girl, and her appearance causes many an internal monologue.

  • Liz: Oooooo!!! A new girl! I must insert myself directly up my ass and help her! New girls are usually a pathetic mess, so it can be a project for me! Plus, I am getting bored of this Enid girl who keeps following me around.
  • Nicholas Morrow: Thank god there’s a new girl in the junior class! I’ve dated my way through all the high school girls, and I thought for a minute there I would have to date someone my age.
  • Andrea: Oh my god, thank god I moved to Sweet Valley from New York City. I mean, Sweet Valley is so damn perfect people who don’t live here must be jealous!
  • Jessica: Ugh, any new girl is bound to take any attention away from me. I’m going to completely ignore her. Besides, anyone Liz likes must be boring.

Conveniently, this is then first book we hear about Jame Peters, the hunky rock star that makes Lila, Amy and Jessica squirm in their panties. Conveniently, hmmm, Andrea is secretive about her father…and conveniently, Jamie Peters mentions that he’s going to move to a small town in Southern California.

If you are not a complete moron, you’ll figure out that Jamie is Andrea’s father. She wants to keep it a secret because people will treat her differently when they know her father is famous. I’ve learned this lesson from watching numerous episodes of Hannah Montana. Not only that, it must be weird and icky to hear people mention all the time that they find your father hot. However, from the way he is described, Jamie Peters appeared in my mind as the douchey singer of Puddle of Mudd.

After spying on Jamie Peters’ backyard, the bitch trifecta (Lila, Jessica, Amy) see Andrea hanging out at the house and jump to the conclusion that Andrea is Jamie’s underage girlfriend. Yea, because that makes the most sense? You’d think that being his gf would make Andrea more popular and the envy of the other girls, but in bizarro Sweet Valley World, this makes her someone worthy of being burned at the stake. Because she is judged for supposedly having sex.

So everyone finds out, and Andrea runs away to sit forlornly at the marina, and then who does Jamie call for help- ELIZABETH! Because he’s heard Andrea talk about her new friend Elizabeth a lot. Barf. Nicholas ans Liz find her, bring her back and they all hang out at Casa Peters and make nicey nice with Jamie.

is Andrea never mentioned again? She is another blond, pretty nice girl, who in my mind is played by the same actress as Heather Sanford. She really should tell people Jamie Peters is her father, because really there’s nothing else about her that screams interesting personality.

Also, a funny secondary storyline, and I mean for real ha ha funny, is that Lila decides she’s going to be a musician and is working with a hippy drippy music teacher who tries to find an instrument that speaks to her, which is the marimba. Lila gets all into it and forces Jessica and Amy into listening to her play all the time, and they give her shit for it. I know it doesn’t seem funny when I write it, but seriously, it’s nice to see some scathing humor make into these books.

And do we ever hear about Jamie Peters again? I am surprised he doesn’t write a song dedicated to Elizabeth and her kind heart. Maybe he can perform at a school dance and give the Droids the night off for once.

→ 28 CommentsCategories: Sweet Valley High
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Ooooohhhhhhhhhh! [warm squishies]

November 11, 2008 · 30 Comments

All this talk about dance books on the Center Stage post made me think of the Jill Krementz books for children, ” A Very Young [fill in the blank] “. My favorite hands down was a Very Young Dancer.

This was a photographic journey of a girl who took classes at the School of American Ballet and got the lead in George Balanchine’s The Nutcracker. Either it was fixed, or it was awful lucky that she got the part because it started before the auditions. Secondly, it was created in the seventies so yea, awesome. I read the shit out this one and a few years back snuck into the children’s section of my library and hid in the stacks and read it again. I loved looking at the pictures of all the costumes and performances and jealous of the attention Stephanie got and the fact she lived in New York City. Also, I was irked by her Frankenstein forehead.

My second favorite was A Very Young Skater, starring a girl with a distracting overbite.

She got to wear pretty skate costumes and competed in competitions. This one talked a lot about the technical details of skating, which I remember loving.

There was also A Very Young Rider, which I avoided because of my intense phobia of horses, and A Very Young Circus Flyer, which I avoided because it was about a boy and therefore lacking any pretty costumes, and I recently discovered that there was also A Very Young Actress, which was about a girl who got to play Annie in Annie II in Connecticut regional theater. I am pretty sure I probably read A Very Young Gymnast, but can’t remember the details. Anyone?

→ 30 CommentsCategories: other books

Baby-Sitters useless vacation

November 10, 2008 · 40 Comments

[photo courtesy of Dibbly Fresh]

Is it that as the series went on, the series got worse, or is it just my perspective now that these books are horrendous? Were the girls always bratty, selfish, bitchy girls that were passive-aggressively mean to each other? Or is that how I perceive them now? I do remember a world where Kristy had great ideas and Marianne stood up to her father and they all had fun walking around Dawn’s haunted barn, so there must have been some good times. Is it just me?

This book however? Steaming pile of crap.

The plot- it’s yet ANOTHER summer vacation. SMS has teamed up with a French-Canadian school to take a week-long trip around Europe. Of course, all the touristy parts where middle and upper class people feel most comfortable visiting. However, Stacey, Kristy, Mallory, Jessi and Abby go on the trip and the rest of the gang stays behind to…oh, it’s bad. Let me get through the Europe part first.

It seems that the BSC get to do whatever the fuck they want on this trip. if there is a place where they want to visit, they get to just run off and go, or the WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL HAS TO GO THERE TOO. Ugh. And they don’t even seem to have any sort of itinerary, they just make shit up as they go. Good job, SMS. And each of the girls are fucking infuriating.

Stacey: her mom is one of the chaperones on the trip, and she’s all annoyed by it. Stace, she is probably doing that so she can AFFORD to send you, she’s raising you as a single parent, show some RESPECT! Stacey picks up the wrong suitcase at the airport, which is a plot device of every book involving travel, am I right? She is super annoyed and bratty and so annoyed that she has to wear some of her mother’s clothes. Ms. McGill, give her a slap across the face and let her go naked, I say. The suitcase she has belongs to an elderly man who is coming to France to spread his friend’s ashes on the beach and Normandy. They meet up with him and Stacey totally invites herself to go with him. Fuck off Stacey, this is a moment for him, don’t use his pain to make an entry for your travel journal.

Oh yea, Kristy makes them all WRITE ANOTHER DAMN TRAVEL DIARY.

Speaking of Kristy, she is off the charts obnoxious. Talk about immature and self-centered. She meets this French Canadian boy named Michel from the other school and they continue to have pent up sexual frustration between them the whole book. But that whole thing about kids teasing each other when they like each other, taken to the extreme. Kristy is shrill and idiotic (”You’re name is MICHEL? That’s a GIIIIRRRLLLS NAME! EEEEWWWWW”) but for some reason that turns Michel on. Finally they admit they like each other and he comes up to Kristy’s room and they kiss on her balcony. How are they allowed to be up there alone together?

Jessi. Ugh. Really, she may the worst. Apparently she went to this month-long program at this program called Dance New York, and the company there was beeeeggging her to be part of the company because she is so damn amazing. Yea, at eleven years old. And she chose to stay in Stoneybrook because she loves baby-sitting too much. However, she seems to not let us forget that she COULD have been part of this amaaaaazing ballet company. The company is performing in London when they are there so of course Jessi and the crew get to go and leave the group and see it. Jessi visits the company backstage to everyone can remind her again how amazing she is and uh oh! Someone is hurt! So Jessi goes on in her place and it gives the chance for the rest of the BSC to kiss her ass again. Hate.

Mallory has the most boring plotline, and I kind of appreciated it. She meets some distant cousins of hers that live in London, and finds out that she is distantly related to William Shakespeare. Honey, you and hundred thousands of others. He probably had illegitimate children all over London. Of course, she gets to spend the day at their house, while the other kids have to, I don’t know, stick with the group because they are eleven fucking years old?

Abby: I mean this in the most literal sense: I think Abby may be developmentally challenged. Something about her is not quite right. Her plot is that she will visit Victoria Kent, a kid they all used to sit for in Stoneybrook. Newsflash to the BSC: these kids are not your friends! It’s creepy how you think they are! She goes with Victoria to meet the queen and makes an ass of herself by stepping on the foot of the crowned prince. He was okay about it and Abby had a shit fit and…yawn.

There’s also a chapter from Robert’s perspective, who is Stacey’s ex-boyf, and I used to be really excited to get chapters from boys’ perspectives, but they are always pretty boring. Robert basically pines after Stacey and avoids the advances of some girl Jacqui. And talks about how he is depressed. Boo fucking hoo.

Ok, subplot for the rest of the gang- they stay behind because they “get” to be counselors at a local camp. Ghosties, I think you already did this plot. Firstly, what camp hires counselors that are all thirteen? One that would be arrested, that’s what. I couldn’t be an official counselor until I was at least 17, and the thirteen year olds were the Counselors-in-training that I got to order around. Janine is also the head counselor and orders everyone around but then gets to be the hero when she stands up to the dominating male head counselor. Fight the power, Janine!

The camp down the street for special needs children has a counselor sick, so they request someone from this camp to take their place. Yea, like that would happen. Dawn, apparently because she knows a girl with Downs-Syndrome in California thinks she’s the expert and jumps at the chance. And at the camp is Susan Feldman, the autistic girl that Kristy failed to cure! I thought she never made another appearance. The camp has a hugging machine used by individuals with autism, which is really weird that it was mentioned in this book because without background or explanation, it can not make any sense to anyone. I happened to know about it from reading Animals in Translation. We get it Ann. You know lots about kids and about kids with developmental disabilities.

As is with the tradition of Super Specials, there are illustrations, which do not do the girls justice. Maryanne has a horrendous haircut, Kristy looks six, and they always looked…unkempt. I can’t explain it, but in all the pictures, to me, it seems that the girls need showers and a comb through their hair.

However, the book was redeemed for me none other than the awesome Cokie Mason. At the camp, the gang comes in after a rainy day. “Well if it isn’t the Baby-sitters Club wet t-shirt contest. Not that anyone would notice.” BWAH! Can Cokie get her own series?

I really want to forget this book ever existed and go back to a world when Maryanne met Logan, Mallory wanted her ears pierced and Toby and Stacey were in LUV in Sea City.  Viva la old school BSC.

By the way, Jessi is black.

→ 40 CommentsCategories: bsc

How did she put those cornrows in her hair so fast?

November 7, 2008 · 59 Comments

So, by special request, I read book #2 from the Satin Slippers series, called Center Stage. No not that Center Stage….yet.

Well, not much to snark on, it was pretty good! What more can you ask for, a boarding school, San Francisco, and dancing! The author clearly knows her shit about dancing. Leah is the up and coming dancer at the school, and the school is doing tryouts for showcases, and Leah gets the coveted lead as Juliet in the Romeo and Juliet scenes. There’s some tension and jealousy among her friends and enemies.

Some of the tension occurs when she is partnered up with boy dancer James, the best male dancer at the school. James is all mysterious, snotty, anti-social and totally into his dancing. In other words, smokin’ hot. I don’t know if you’ve picked this up by now, but I am into the cocky guys. Except that, when he gets injured and doesn’t want Leah to tell anyone, he threatens her with bodily harm. Oh James, why do you have to be like that? Turns out he’s a shoe-in to be on the company and he doesn’t want anything to ruin that.

There’s all sorts of fucked up dynamics at the school, even the teachers being asses to the students because the students can always take their place in the company. Yeesh! I hate anything catty and cutthroat. One of the reasons I don’t want to go to law school. Well that, and I have no interest in law.

My experience with dancing is zilch, unless you count the ballet classes I took when I was four and had a small solo in our recital in which we did a routine to Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds.” But, it was pretty gripping and Leah’s relationships with the people around her were a bit more complex than most YA novels. In the end, she didn’t end up with James in a happy ending.

So yeah. Those of you that read this, anything else you want to share? What eventually happens to Leah and the gang?

But obviously, I can’t mention this book without mention the horrendously awesome movie, Center Stage, about kids at ballet school. The last ten minutes is some of the best stuff ever to grace the cinema. The kids in the school perform in showcases in which they will be recruited into ballet companies. The main character, forgot her name, not even important, is the star in the radically rebellious dance instructor’s piece. Of course, the whole thing that he choreographed chronicles her experience. Kind of like how the musical in High School Musical 3 was all about the experiences of 4 kids on the school, and everyone was ok with that.

Believe me, this is the best 10 minutes you’ll ever spend. Keep in mind this gal is 16 and a student and the teacher is supposedly in his late 20s. And they simulate sex onstage. As a ballet. While her parents are in the audience. And the costume changes are redonculous (especially at the 1:02 mark). And suddenly she has corn rows in her hair. Okay, I’ll just let you see it for yourself.

→ 59 CommentsCategories: Satin Slippers

Election Day Special

November 4, 2008 · 20 Comments

I don’t really need to remind you all to vote today, because if you are on Facebook, you’ve already received about a thousand annoying applications asking you to do so. Also to remind you that The Dairi Burger does not endorse a particulaur candidate, do what you want and don’t be afraid to vote for third party candidates! Okay, now I’m getting a bit political. Anyhow, the Sweet Valley City Council race is pretty heated this year, and there’s been a record number of candidates! Here are some of the platforms that are causing a stir.

  • Mr. Bacon want to bring back segregation
  • Mr. Collins wantw more funding for afterschool program and to lower the age of consent
  • Mrs. Wakefield wants to give more funding to police to curb kidnapping, psychotic murderers and cults in Sweet Valley
  • Ms. Whitman wants more funding for sex ed in the schools
  • Mr. Patman wants to lower taxes on the rich
  • Ms. McKay wants to legalize same-sex marriage
  • Mr. Martin is running for re-election as the town drunk

And, to top it off, Liz is offering any candidates her services as a speechwriter. And Jessica has offered up the cheerleaders to do a car wash fundraiser to help her father’s campaign! Lila will fund any campaign that will promise her a $150,000 wardrobe allowance.

→ 20 CommentsCategories: Sweet Valley High · bonus

The Mexican Festival comes to Sweet Valley.

November 1, 2008 · 26 Comments

Yay, because one West Side Story rip-off is not enough.

Here’s what you need to know about Manuel:

  • He’s Mexican, and usually hangs out with the other Mexican students in school. What there’s other Mexican students? Oh yea, there is. One other person.
  • He’s totally in love with Sandra, even though she seems to have zero personality.
  • He and his family are totally stoked for the upcoming Sweet Valley Mexican festival. Yes, you heard me right.
  • He’s pissed that Sandra won’t tell her parents about him and feels totally disrespected.
  • He actually seems like a decent guy.

Here’s what you need to know about Sandra:

  • She has no personality and is supposedly a cheerleader and in Phi Beta Pi.
  • Her parents are country-club membership carrying, old-fashioned racists. In fact, her father wrote a letter to the Sweet Valley News”complaining how minorities and immigrants are ruining the community”. I was thinking about trying to recreate that letter, but maybe that would be going too far?They are also the kind of racists that cover it up with “we just want what’s best for you Sandra, and you will have a hard life if you associate with ‘that sort of crowd’”.
  • She hides her relationship with Manuel from her parents and makes everyone cover for her. Manuel feels disrespected but she ignores that. Good job Sandy.
  • She appears to be 37 years old.

How does Liz get involved?

Well, it wouldn’t be an SVH book if Liz didn’t get to stick her nose in people’s business and tell adults how to raise their children.

Suddenly, she is Sandy’s best friend. Considering Sandra is a cheerleader, why wouldn’t she go to Jessica? Anyway, Liz is about to print something in Eyes and Ears about Sandy and Manny and Sandra asks her not to print it. Liz gets all huffy and spouts off about journalistuic integrity and takes this opportunity to coach Sandra on the right thing to do. And then wonders to herself that she’s soooo lucky that she has such a tolerant and accepting family. I’ll let you do the vomit noise.

Then, to further assert her whiteness, Sandra asks Manuel out on her sailboat, but she needs to tell her parents that she’s taking a friend. So that friend gets to be Liz. Miracle of all miracles. the engine catches on fire and Manuel saves both Liz and and Sandra, but Sandra tells him to scram when the police come and to let Liz take the credit for saving them. Sandra’s a real peach.

Lix secretly loves being the hero, but still urges Sandra to tell her parents, especially after bystanders report seeing a MEXICAN BOY tampering with the motor. So now the police suspect Manuel! And when they bring him in for questioning, Sandra pretends that she doesn’t know him. Why in the fuck does he not dump Sandra?

Finally, her parents found out that Manuel was the one who saved her, they totally absolve their racism, decide to go to the Mexican Festival with Manuel and his family, and invite him to the dance at the country club. Yea, because that’s all he ever wanted, so be accepted into the snooty white crowd. Of course every person of color in Sweet Valley’s ultimate dream is to be treated just like the white people! Happy Ending!

→ 26 CommentsCategories: Sweet Valley High
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Veronica: misunderstood?

October 28, 2008 · 16 Comments

Veronica is a show-off because she’s obviously insecure and she thinks that showing off will win her friends. I kind of feel bad for her because she’s clearly a smart, creative kid. She constantly tries to befriend the popular girl, the bitching blond laughing at her. The weird girl in school, Hilary, tries to befriend Veronica but Veronica’s not having that because Hilary is small, wears her hair in a bun, wears lacy ankle socks, and carries a floral shopping back as a book bag. Oh, the horror! She realizes that Hilary reads the same books as she does, and she has a pretty cool family, so she gives in and is friends with her.

She hangs out at the library a lot (see? she is awesome!) and a book she wants has been out for a while, so she tracks down who has it and sends her hate mail. So, Veronica’s a little quirky, she doesn’t know correct social skills. However, the girl finds her and they end up being friends too. The moral? Just be yourself! Awwwwww.

I remember more in the series, where Veronica removes the side of her apartment to put in a baby grand piano. And the another one where she goes to California to visit her father and new stepmother. I’m off to track them down…

→ 16 CommentsCategories: other books

The Worst YA Boyfriends, Pt. 2

October 26, 2008 · 26 Comments

Check out Part 1. I feel that these top five are pretty obvious.

5.Kurt from Sunset Island. Waaaahhhhhh, he’s working class, it’s sooo haaard being on this Island with all these rich tourists,when I had to work for a living, waaaaahhh, they don’t appreciate it, so I’m going to date one of the richest on the island and then throw it in her face all the time. And pressure her to get married. And seriously? The fights with Emma rival the Liz/Todd fights. Who would play him? Jason Priestly and his denim shirts:

4. Bruce Patman, Sweet Valley High. Well, his yuppy Republican charm sometimes gets through to me, but there’s no way we can forgive him for trying to take advantage of Liz while she was in her coma-induced slut phase. That, and the way he wears sweaters tied around his shoulders. Who would play him?


A young John Barrowman.

3.Mars from Pen Pals. Shanon’s pen pal was the goofy one. Firstly, he called himself mars, so there’s that, and he just tried way to hard to be goofy. He invented a pen holder, which was a handle to attach to a pen. I hate him. Who would play him?

Dustin Diamond.

2. Jed from the Caitlin series. Well, attempted sexual assualt is kind of an automatic guarantee to get on this list. But okay, we get it. You’re from Montana, You’re rugged and likem ranching. And you never really have anything interesting to say. Who would play him?

Anotnia Sabato, Jr. in underwear.

1. Todd “Wizzer” Wilkins from Sweet Valley High. Do I even have to justify it? The salty sweet kisses, the bad lovey dovey talk, the fighting, the cheating, the punching. And the fact he dates Liz. Who would play him?

C.Thomas Howell!

Alternative option: a giant douche.

Open -ended survey: Who did I miss on this list?

→ 26 CommentsCategories: Caitlin · Sunset Island · Sweet Valley High · bonus · other books

Great find!

October 24, 2008 · 11 Comments

Donna sent me this pic of an album cover for the Australian band TISM.

Look familiar? Donna says”The tag line reads “Will Greg destroy Melissa and Jason’s happiness?” Unfortunately the lyrics do not parody SVH (the song is about speeding) but I really really wish I had a picture of the back of the cover of the single because I remember that it read like a blurb to any SVH book and concluded with “and does anyone really give a shit?” which pretty much sums up our feelings now towards SVH.”

I also love the name of the album. Kind of in the same way I love the band name “Hey that’s my bike!”.

→ 11 CommentsCategories: Sweet Valley High · misc

Worst YA Boys, Pt. 1

October 23, 2008 · 35 Comments

To refresh your memory, the “best” YA boy toys are here and here. But of course, doing the worst ones are way more fun.

10. John Pfeiffer, Sweet Valley High: He went from being your friendly Oracle news reporter to a mad rapist. All because he was scorned by his ex-girlfriend. And we all know you don’t fuck with Lila Fowler. Who would play him?

Zabka, obviously.

9. Lenny from the Linda books, as in, My Heart Belongs to That Boy. Break up and made-up almost as much as Liz and Todd, However, his bad boy image didn’t make up for all his whining and neediness. Who would play him?

Jared Leto, the Jordan Catalano years.

8. Chad from Fall Into Darkness. Yea, so he kind of likes to murder girls that scorn him. Which, is like a lot of Christopher Pike male characters, but he was the one that was mostly all evil. Whop would play him?

Jonathan Brandis, duh.

7. Presley Travis from Sunset Island. We get, you’re Southern. And flirty. And named after Elvis, because you were born to rock. Also, he feeds Sam’s ego, which is annoying. And then he cheats on her with Emma. And he’s no Billy Sampson. I also will never forgive him for wearing bike shorts and a neon green tank top. Who would play him?

The Nelson twins would share the roll.*

6. Logan Bruno, The Baby-sitters Club. More Southern annoyingness! Maybe it’s how is accent is spelled phonetically, not that he is actually Southern. I could never really understand out what the big deal was about him. And then he tried to control Mary Anne’s life. And seriously, would a 13 year old boy really want to belong to a baby-sitting club? Who would play him”

Zefron! Don’t hate!**

Top 5 coming soon…..

*I have to share that in seventh grade I was BEYOND obsessed with the Nelson twins. It was almost clinical. I listened to the After the Rain cassette about a thousand times. I had a huge poster of them that I would stare at before I went to bed. [hides in shame]. Between them and Sebastian Bach and all the other hair metal guys in mnakeup, I was really into men that looked like women. Hmmm. Not sure what that means.

**This also made me think that Troy and Gabriella are kind of like Elizabeth and Todd. She’s the brainy studious one, he’s the tool on the basketball team. Quarrels and misunderstandings are almost central to their relationship. Does that make Sharpay Jessica? If you have no idea who these people are, you’re obviously a mature adult who doesn’t watch made for cable Disney Channel movies.

→ 35 CommentsCategories: Sunset Island · Sweet Valley High · bsc · other books

Preppy jock douchebags have feeings too!

October 21, 2008 · 35 Comments

Whoever mentioned that a non-SVH book would be a good palate-cleanser between SVH books is totally right. I’ve been home sick for the past few days and yesterday I read 3 SVHs in a row, and it does have an affect on one’s psyche. So excuse me if I express more rage that snark on this one.

So much hate, so little time. I am not even sure where to start. Should it be on Liz’s all knowing meddling? Her bitchy attitude towards Heather Sanford? The way that everything wraps up so neatly? The COVER? Yea, ok, let’s start there.

Jeffrey looks pretty bangeable there, albeit looking about 32 and like a Ken doll. The other preppy douche is Aaron Dallas, someone we always hear about but don’t really know about. Well, now we get to get inside his head. Oh, and the best for last– Liz, Liz Liz.  Nevermind the matching pink barrettes. We’ll leave those alone. But those elastic-waist chinos with the shirt tucked in. Well, that just writes itself. Her outfit is identical to the one I wore on the first day of second grade. That my mother bought me at Sears.

Aaron’s parents are getting divorced which makes him so MAD inside! He’s so MAD! Why is everyone making him so MAD! Meanwhile, he’s losing his temper and beating everyone up on the soccer field.

And now, the reasons that Liz is a fucking beast in this book.

1. She knows Aaron is Jeffrey’s bff, yet shit talks about him to Jeffrey and tries to tell Jeffrey that he needs to be mad at Aaron and doesn’t support him when he tries to defend Aaron. I think Jeffrey secretly hates Liz, because he gets annoyed with her but with silent annoyance. I love it.

2. Elizabeth acts all annoyed and holier-than-thou with Aaron’s new girlfriend Heather Sanford and gets all put out when Heather tries to befriend her. Because all Heather cares about “are silly things like clothes.” Uh, Liz, because you don’t know ANYONE like that. At a party, Elizabeth makes fun of Heather and does an impression of her speaking babytalk to Aaron. Oh like you NEVER said stupid shit to Todd. HATE.LIZ.SO.MUCH.

3. Liz is covering a soccer game for the Oracle (John Pfeiffer is too busy date raping to write it, I guess) and in the game Aaron hits another player, which will get him kicked off the team if anyone finds out. Because Liz HAS A DUTY AS A REPORTER, she reports it so the school finds out. Jeffrey gets pissed at her, she uses the whole “journalists have an obligation to be objective!” excuse. Jeffrey needs to dump her ass. And she makes Jeffrey defend her to Aaron! HATE HATE HATE!

So anyway, there’s this big intervention moment with Aaron, and they convince him to see the school guidance counselor. After a 10 minute session, all is solved and Aaron is skipping around the school apologizing to everyone he has ever wronged. Crisis solved! Liz and Jeffrey kiss! World peace happens!

So here’s the part that made it all fine for me. Liz and her boring friends are sitting in the stands at the game, and they all ask Liz to do her impression of Heather doing her babytalk. Liz feels a little bad, but the rest of the group does it, and Heather overhears and comes over and does her own impression of Liz. “What did E.W. say that made A.D. so mad?…And they say J.F. avenged his ladylove with stern words. A bout of ferocious fisticuffs followed.” Ok, it could have been more clever, but Heather was totally calling Liz out as a self-absorbed writer snob. So, Heather Sanford kicks ass. Also, she’s totally into clothes because she loves fashion design and sews all her won clothes, and gives Aaron tough love about dealing with his shit. And Liz realizes this too late, and instead of Heather telling her to fuck off, they become friends. Because no one can resist being friends with a Wakefield.

Meanwhile, Jessica tries to sell Tofu-Glo products, but they suck and she forgets to refrigerate them and she cries over her foiled business plan. Elizabeth voice overs, if Jessica did try to sell health and beauty products, she had to be successful because she was so healthy and beautiful, a walking advertisement. VOMIT! And because no Wakefield can ever fail, Ned finds out through his lawyer networking that the company lost a lawsuit, so Jessica would get all her money back. A little failing couldn’t hurt these twins.

[Enid, watching the soccer game with Liz:] “Jeffrey really looks great, Liz. I don’t know how you always manage to get the cutest guy around, but you do.” “Oh you poor thing,” Elizabeth said, teasing her. Remember, you had your chance.” GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

[Jessica has a party to sell the Tofu-Glo to her friends]. Lois Waller, a shy, overweight girl, raised her hand timidly. “Is the dietary supplement part of a diet plan?” Oh, of course the chubby girl is afraid of a diet plan, because it would get in the way of stuffing candy bars in her mouth all day. Fuck you, ghost writers.

[Liz, making Aaron and Jeffrey's problems all about her, goes to Mr. Collins for advice.] He chuckled. “Liz, why are we having this conversation?” his eyes twinkled again, and Elizabeth grinned. “Maybe I need a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure. “Oh please! Never call me that!” Mr. Collins, I’m gonna go ahead and stop you there, and say that you probably should call youself that more often than you do.

I may as well continue by Liz-fueld rage with today’s poll.

→ 35 CommentsCategories: Sweet Valley High
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The Odd Couple

October 16, 2008 · 30 Comments

You ask, you shall receive. Recent polls indicate you all would like some non-SVH stuff, and would really like the BSC. I also just spent some time locating some Sunfire romances, so stay tuned for those. One day. I will admit, I didn’t reread this one, but it was very memorable.

Dawn looks gorg, as usual and I totally wanted to look like her. MA looks beyond horrendous. She looks about 45, and has the highest waisted jeans I’ve ever seen, and don’t even get me started about women over the age of 12 who wear their hair in pigtails. Or even women in their twenties, who think it makes them look adorable. And if you reading this do that, even at the gym, I am so judging you. Live with it.

Speaking of judging, the one thing I remember from this book is that MA is getting ready to go to a dance with Logan, and Dawn is at home but not going, and MA pulls some shit like “Dawn, when you get a boyfriend, you’ll understand about making yourself more attractive.” ZING! Seriously, the BSC are constantly looking for ways to insult each other and put down their friends.

But let me back up. This one takes place right after meth-addicted Sharon and anal retentive Richard get hitched, and MA and Mr. Spier move into the farm house. Instead of taking the spare room, Dawn and MA decide to share a room. For real? What 13 year old girl wouldn’t want her own room? And then, I believe, they push the beds together. Wtf? Isn’t that a little much? Are they going to spoon or something?

Eventually they make up and I think they realize that they should have separate rooms. And then fast forward a little and the farm house burns down. ZING!

And you know I love this new poll feature, so here’s one that gets to the heart of MA’s core.

→ 30 CommentsCategories: bsc