There’s nothing worth recapping this week except for the most! shocking! thing! ever! to! happen! on The Bachelor. In fact, it wasn’t too shocking, and the producers milked it for high drama. Chris marches in doing his best “I’m still acting like I’m needed” face and pulls Rozlyn out of the COCKtail party, leaving the other fair maidens to gossip it up. Chris then condescendingly tells Rozlyn she had an “INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP” with a staffer on the show. So what do they define as inappropriate? Oral? Anal? And that she needs to leave. Roz actually handles herself well, not turning it into the high drama the producers want. She agrees to leave. Too bad, her hair looks super cute. And she flashed her vag during the photo shoot date. Do I not even have to rant about this disgusting double standard? Jake gets to date 37 women at once, but Rozlyn has to remain chaste? Is calling this show misogynist even possible? Is that like calling Gary Unmarried not funny? Sorry I just don’t even have the energy right now.

Rozlyn: a cautionary tale for women everywhere who are dating a guy who is also dating 15 other women

Chris goes to tell Jake, and Jake employs the Meisner method in his reaction. Wow, he shows range. We can now add “mildly irritated” to his range of emotions, added to the “golly gee!” we’ve seen so far. Jake dumbly asks “can I get my rose back?” Jake insists on marching right in there with Chris to lecture the harem. The harem, meanwhile, just heard what happened and are in shock! In fact, they all dismantle the set and create a makeshift pyre to burn the jezebel witch at the stake. Jake and Chris come back and Chris comes in and lectures the group about how they were all supposed to be there for one reason: to win Jake’s heart! Jake, nearly in tears (good acting?) asks anyone else if they want to leave now because this is real. And they should only be there for him! And they signed a contract! Meanwhile, we get five minutes of Rozlyn packing her stuff. She’s pretty straight-faced and won’t give into the drama. I like her! Can we make her the next Bachelorette? Subtitled “nail this one down before she seduces the entire production crew!” It will be like a Paradise Hotel Crossover!

So yea. Other stuff happened in this episode. And, after 34 seasons, you’d think the editors and producers would not use the same damn format. Thus presenting the rules of The Bachelor:

1. If one of the women in heavily featured early on in the episode, she will either be sent home or given the last rose to create dramatic tension. (Vag flashin, camerman seducin’ Roz)

2. One gal will proclaim herself “different from the other gals” and spend the episode feeling physically inferior to the others. (This Christina gal with the dark eyebrows.)

3. Once Jake takes some alone time on a group date, it is up to the others to “steal him away” as a method of courtship.

4. If the Bachelor is in the pool with some women, he must have a woman on his shoulders to play “chicken”.

5. The harem must screech every time the Bachelor enters a room.

6. If it is a large group date, the Bachelor must engage the women in a totally shallow activity based on their ability to gussy up and look sexy for him; i.e., a photo shoot, a shopping trip, a spa trip.

7. A one on one date must include a private performance from an artist featured on the adult contemporary charts (was that Peter Cetera?)

8. A woman who is too overdressed for the rose ceremony will be sent home. This isn’t a debutante ball, ladies.

9. The “date boxes” have the ability to ring doorbells.

10. A one on one date must include a diamond necklace.

11. A date must also include a helicopter or plane ride to induce bad metaphors about “hearts racing” and “taking a risk” for love.

12. If strawberries are anywhere in the vicinity, they must be fed to each other.

13. All conversations at the cocktail party are limited to talking about the extent of “feeling a connection.”

14. The woman that all the other hate is guaranteed a spot in the top three.

15. A woman suspected of having a boyfriend at home is guaranteed a spot in the top five.

16. The woman who is barely featured in the first three episodes will be the “winner.”

Well, I didn’t even know this season was happening until about five hours ago. It just snuck up on me like…an irregular period? Garbage Day? I don’t know. So, for all of you who are second-class citizens and cannot marry your committed partner because of archaic, bigoted lawmakers, just sit back and watch how us straight folks throw the privilege of marriage around like it’s a prize on a game show! Yaaaayyyy!

I haven’t even turned on my Tivo yet, but here is what I predict:

Jake will look longingly into an ocean/field and “remember” back to his season via some slickly edited stock footage. Then we will see him in a plane, maybe washing a plane shirtless, make erotically stroking the plane controls. There will be so many metaphors about how love is like “taking off the ground” and “flying through the air” and that you can’t be “on auto-pilot” when it comes to love. And then my English teacher friend will have a brain embolism.

Then we’ll meet the fem-bots, er…”ladies”. They will all be dressed like its their 1997 sorority formal. They will exit a limo and greet Jake and it will give me douche chills. Someone will say they are already in love with him, someone will proclaim, “I’m not here to make friends”. Jake will marvel about how it is overwhelming to be on THIS SIDE of things and he didn’t realize how hard it was. The ladies look nicely photo shopped, and with ambiguous job titles like “entrepreneur” (got suckered into a pyramid scheme by her ex); “accounts manager” (books clients for an orthodontist); “spokesmodel” (I got nothing); “Wardrobe Consultant” (works at Forever 21); “Marketing Representative” (Telemarketer).

Ok, well here we go for real. Oh, Chris Harrison, you haven’t hung yourself yet. Fun fact: he was in an episode of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch.

Jake. What is there to say about Jake? He’s genetically engineered. He’s also very…white. And male. Like he was made from an LL Bean catalog, veneers, a cover of a 99 cents romance novel, and Aryan genetics. I guess he is what is considered good looking. And he is someone that would never go for me, but if I did have him, I would fall asleep during the very generic, very vanilla sex. We get a Jake montage, of him strolling in Dallas in a fitted thermal tee, drilling some wood with no shirt, walking on the beach with no shirt, reciting Shakespeare with no shirt…sense a pattern? Jake’s got a body that I guess would be on a flier for a gym. Big biceps and pecs, and a waxed chest. I guess that’s attractive, right? To me it’s boooring. Then again, I go for the schlubby nerds, so I’m not the one to judge him. Then, Jake in his pilot’s uniform- uniforms do generally do it for me, but this one looks too fake. Like he’s a stripper dressed as a pilot and it’s just cheap tear-away polyester.

Yikes! Your teeth are blinding me!

And yes, there is the talk with Chris. I’m not getting into it. You can guess what is talked about. Jake believes he will find true love, despite the odds of this show. Jake is fairly polite and non- threatening, it’s hard to make fun of him. But not too hard. It hits him most “on rainy days, when you are at home alone on the couch, when you could be snuggled in bed with someone. That’s when the loneliness hits”. Silly Jake, that’s why you get a cat. Or validate yourself with a reality show.

The gals arrive at the mansion, or, the walk of shame out of the limo. The gals do some douchey stuff, most notable someone bringing him soil from Texas, and playing the old “look something on your tie- woop! hit you on the face!” and one gal comes running in, arms out and making airplane noises. I am so clenched with embarrassment for these people that my couch got sucked up my ass. One woman, who tells us is Cambodian, says something to Jake in Cambodian. Jake looks scared, he only thought women came in white I guess? Poor gal, dark skin= first to be eliminated.  Some crazy girl with obvs hair extensions gives him a paper plate with a spinner on it, all of pictures of the two of them photoshopped together. He’s supposed to spin it ….and???? Was that supposed to be endearing? God, I miss the Andrew Firestone days.

Ok, so the next part is blurry because there are too many women and I can’t remember their names. The girls are squealing over Jake like I squeal over Adam Lambert. One q1uite-confident gal brings in a box of jellybeans to give out “as a consolation prize”, because everyone is going home but me”. I think the object of the game is to get the most camera time, not Jake. One gal, I think the one with the paper plate thing, comes out dressed as a sexy flight attendant. The other gals rolls their eyes at this, but Jake seems to like it. Another gal proclaims, “god, how desperate do you have to be to get him to notice you, you have to bring a costume?” and then she comes walking over with a football and asks him to play. Yea, like bringing that prop wasn’t a cheap ploy either. What’s next, a girl wheels herself out on a table with stirrups and gives Jake a speculum? All the gals, not to lose Jake’s attention (or camera time) kick off their heels and play. In other words to say “look at me! I’m spunky and spontaneous! And I like sports like you do!”

Then comes the time when a producer tells Jake he has to take the girls and talk to them one on one. This is where instead of asking about things like, say… what movies they like, the gals launch into their hopes and fears about relationships. You know, typical stuff you tell someone you first met. Someone asks Jake what his top three priorities are, and he says “God, family, friends, in that order.” And what that means is “I’m a virgin.” Someone asks for a kiss, and she gets one, and I have to say, it wasn’t good. Here’s hoping he’s not a Jason Mesnick-esque kisser. One gal, Michelle, with the crazy eyes, proves herself to be the crazy one. She sulks alone and starts crying because “she deserves Jake” and she didn’t like seeing him around these other girls. Woh boy. Has she never watched this show? She corners Jake and pours her heart out. Jake looks scared. (Then again, Jake really only has one expression). Good thing Michelle is smokin’ hot. On Barney Stinson’s crazy/attractive scale, she is above the line.

And hey, look who’s back/didn’t get enough air time! It’s Jillian “I have a great personality” and Ed “Jeffrey Dean Morgan” from last season! Dammit why do I find Ed kind of cute! They are here to interview the women, and help Jake make his decision, because they are bffs. And they’ve been through this before so they know what it’s like. Or something. Jillian looks like she’s wearing aluminum foil. Oh, look Jillian has a notebook to take notes. Also, shut up. “What do you think aboooot Jake?

The rose ceremony. There’s tension. Jake hates having to do this. Blah blah blah. Chris announces that it’s the final rose of the night when one is left, because these women can’t count to one? There are tears, goodbyes, and everyone’s push up body tape starts to wilt. True to form, Cambodian woman is gone. Michelle is called last for dramatic affect. Of course, it also helps to be crazy so the producers will allow her to be on the show.

And then…previews of the season. No joke, Chris tells us “IT’S THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR. EEEVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRR.” Montage of dates and kissing, jake’s pecs, planes, blue eyeshadow, and Forever 21 wardrobes. They go to San Francisco at some point and ride a trolley. Why did I not know they were filming here? And then, some big drama. Jake is in an interview and says “I can’t even talk about it. I’m done. Interview over.”  And kicks a lamp. He’s a horrible actor. And he’s crying on a balcony (or is that stock footage of Jason?). And then someone voiceovers “how can you do that? Be here but still pursue another relationship” and then they show two of the gals hugging on a couch and giggling. Oh PLEASE tell me two of these woman start a lesbian affair on the show. But, doubtful.

I gotta tell you, I don’t know if I can do this weekly. Especially if each episode is 2 hours long. But I’ll try.

Regarding Jake: Unfortunately, I don’t think it will be easy to make fun of him, other than he’s just kind of…boring and ordinary. At least Jason had the “I’m a fun-loving Dad” going for him. And wasn’t that one lumberjack guy secretly a criminal? And Bob Guiney was like a modern-day Winston Egbert. Jake really has nothing interesting about him. He’s no Andrew Firestone, I’ll tell ya that.

But, people seem to love Jake, because apparently, people thought he had one of the best dates ever on the show. If that includes trying on gay cowboy gear and looking up Jillian’s dress, then ok. See for yourself. (The date actually starts at 2:17).